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Terminally ill Loved ones....

Posted by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 10:53 PM
  • 40 Replies

When a terminally sick loved one starts to decline they really start declining. It's fast and without notice.


One day they get this burst of wind and energy. Just like their old selves. This wind is deception though. In truth it could be their last before the final countdown. This is what the doctors don't tell you. That this final burst of energy is only the beginning of the end. Instead of telling you the truth, they let you hang on to hope with all your might. Thinking, just maybe, just maybe.


Reality sits in today. My very special loved one (This person has not yet announced things to everyone, so to keep from spilling the beans, or causing family drama, I will say loved one for now, until they tell the rest of the family first), is about to tank out on us.


There's an infection brewing in her lungs. On top of that she is having multi organ failure. Kidneys are going, and now she's hooked up to that machine, her liver is apparently at 50%. Reality sits in more. 


Standing in a hall way, I learn this. Standing in a hallway holding my 5 month old child, I realize this loved one, may not make it to see him turn 1, she'll be lucky to see him hit 6 months at the end of the month.


As I sat quietly on the drive home; pain, frustration, anger, sadness all roars inside me. My husband desperately trying to find the right words of wisdom and comfort, I slip in and out of consciousness. I barely know my child in the back seat jabbering, and playing to himself. 


One right after another, a wave of shock, followed by disbelief, followed by sadness, then anger, then frustration. One by one, they rip through me. One by one, I fear the most. I fear, any day now, I will get THAT call. One by one, They send tears, of all sorts.


I have heard that when you are dying, you see your life flash before you eyes. However what they don't tell you is that your loved ones, lives with you flash before their lives. 


I start seeing my earliest memories with this loved one. I start remembering Christmas's of childhood passed. I'm filled with Ghost, of should have's, could have's, and want to's. Is this really the end? This can't be happening. No, no, someone pinch me, wake me up, and let me know it was just a really bad dream.


The shock starts to wear off a little bit. Then open the gates here it comes. What am I mourning for? She hasn't passed yet? There's still hope still! Right? It isn't over until the fat lady sings, and she hasn't yet! But yet, I'm mourning. I sit here thinking, to myself, "Why me God. Why her? Why does Jayden not get to know the ONE "G" that wants to know him and love him, and be there in his life? Why not So and so, who could give two cents about him?" 


I find myself bargaining with God. I find myself trying to make a deal with God, so that he doesn't take her. "Take me instead" is what I want to say. However, I don't. Because it would be far worse to leave my husband alone in this world with out son, and my son without a mother. "What can I give you God, to leave her be, until a ripe old age?" 


Are these words falling onto deaf ears? Impossible, I know He is there. He is everywhere. I know He is listening to me, but why wont He answer me?


Is this just a preparation for whats to come in the end? Or is it the real deal? Is it just a low? How am I suppose to know?


Instead, I sit here. Waiting, patiently. Waiting. What else can I do.


I wanna feel numb, but I can't. I have a husband who needs his wife, and a child who needs his mommy. So what do I do? What else can I do?


I start to think, am I going to be okay? Is it going to be painful for her? How can I stop it? How can I make her okay? How can I comfort her? How is this fair? 


Indeed, I sit here, after feeding my son, pushing around some food on my dinner plate, I play with him, and watch him play a tad bit. I sit here after bathing him, folding all the laundry and doing the dishes,  I sit here after laying him peacefully in bed. I just sit here and wonder.... Why us God? Why now? Why?


It's hard not to think about the future, when the future may not exist. It's hard not to cram as much time into a small amount of time, when time may stop.


Please God, Please, hear my prayer. Not yet. Just give us a little more time. Please, Not yet. 


That's what is on my heart today. Have a good night.


                                         

                                  

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by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 10:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
BleedinHeartMom
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:10 PM

My uncle passed away on thanksgiving last year, from lung cancer, he was diagnosed in September of 09, it was very shocking,  I seemed to be the only one who knew he was going to die..and listening to family say things like hes really not sick, hes gonna beat this just tore us apart even more..H was only 16 yrs old than me and were like best friends and I'm still pissed off at my self to this day that I did not go visit and be with him more, it hurt me to see him deteriorate and shrivel up the few times I would go to see him he would be in the fetal position on the couch in agonizing pain, all double heaping of morphine and oxy morphine.

All the while asking over and over, why him? he was a simple man, had dyslexia, learning difficulties didn't do much in life and never strayed to far from his mom

It wasn't 2 mos after his diagnosis I already started the funeral arrangements because my grandmother was not gonna b strong enough to lay her 48 yr old baby boy in the ground, I had to be the tough one, and in my alone time would break down and cry like a baby..

I too tried bargaining with God, and pleading but I never offered myself as a sacrifice, I,too have a husband and 3 babies that would be heartbroken and lonely with out me...

He had the burst of energy Thanksgiving morning he wasn't in pain and was smiling laying there in the hospital bed, he had Thanksgiving dinner and said he was tired and gonna rest for a while, he closed his eyes and he was gone, I knew he had gone , but my mom and grandma and aunt were in denial and hysterical..they could never bring their self to believe he was gonna be dead before he is 50

And when death hits this close to home it does make me think about death on a more profound level then had it been an elderly person or a friend..

I;m not afraid of death its the dying that scares me

mcclellanlass
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:15 PM

Thank you. It's my mother.

 

We found out in January of 2010, the same day we found out I was pregnant with my Son Jayden.

She fought like hell to make it to at least his birth. She continued to take the treatments an chemo. She continued to fight. Every day was a fight for her, and still is as of yet.

 

She is determined to see him grow up, to see us give him a sibling.

 

She is my rock. I'm a new mother. Isn't this the time I need my mother the most? 

 

I'm really just, really lost at the moment. I'm feeling so much at once. 

 

I feel selfish, I feel sad, I feel mad. I want to "wake up" run away. I just don't know what to do. 

 

I feel bad because I want to break down, but I can't. there's dishes, and laundry and whatever else, oh yeah, the grocery shopping I've been procrasting all week on doing. There's being a wife, and a mother. 

 

I'm just really, kind of beside myself. It's like I'm watching myself. It's not me. Hard to explain. 

 

Death doesn't scare me. I've lost plenty of loved ones. All before I was a wife and mother of course.

 

What scares me, is I will be a first time mother to a 5 month old, without my mother helping me. 

 

What scares me is I don't know if I can be strong for her, for the rest of the family, or for my small family. 

wulfbourne
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:17 PM

*giant hugs*

Dealing with a terminally ill family member sucks ass.  My stepfather passed last September.  He went into the hospital thinking he had pancreatitis again and ended up with a diagnosis of esophageal cancer.  3-6 months left with no treatment, 1 year with chemo was what they gave him.  So they put a temporary stent in him so he could eat and sent him home on a Thursday.  He was supposed to go in the next Wendsday for a picc line for his chemo, but on Saturday I got a frantic call from my mother that he died.  Less than two weeks after diagnosis and he was gone.  Most days I'm still not sure I really believe it.  Even as I sit here crying, thinking about it, it's hard to really realize he's completely gone. 

BleedinHeartMom
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:20 PM

But your mother will send an angel into your life when you least expect it, to be all the things you are gonna need and ask about, 

your mom knows your gonna do well, she taught you everything and its stored away in your heart and mind..and you can access it anytime but just drifting back to a memory,lecture,or argumet you 2 may of had, and it will put a smile on your face because you know mother knows best :)

mcclellanlass
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:29 PM

Man, hugs go out to you! I'm sitting here whinning about the end to come, and you've already experienced it. That breaks my heart for you! And you only got two weeks!


I cried reading your response so much. =(


Thank you for your story. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. I truly am. 

Quoting wulfbourne:

*giant hugs*

Dealing with a terminally ill family member sucks ass.  My stepfather passed last September.  He went into the hospital thinking he had pancreatitis again and ended up with a diagnosis of esophageal cancer.  3-6 months left with no treatment, 1 year with chemo was what they gave him.  So they put a temporary stent in him so he could eat and sent him home on a Thursday.  He was supposed to go in the next Wendsday for a picc line for his chemo, but on Saturday I got a frantic call from my mother that he died.  Less than two weeks after diagnosis and he was gone.  Most days I'm still not sure I really believe it.  Even as I sit here crying, thinking about it, it's hard to really realize he's completely gone. 



                                         

                                  

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mcclellanlass
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:32 PM

Thank you. I hope you are right. 

And yes, she taught me everything I know. Including being a good mother. I know she showed me how to be the best mother I can be. It's just hard, I know I wont be able to text or call her for advice, help, or to watch my son while I run errands, or grocery shop. It's just gonna be hard without her here. 


Thank you! Thank you for your words. 

Quoting BleedinHeartMom:

But your mother will send an angel into your life when you least expect it, to be all the things you are gonna need and ask about, 

your mom knows your gonna do well, she taught you everything and its stored away in your heart and mind..and you can access it anytime but just drifting back to a memory,lecture,or argumet you 2 may of had, and it will put a smile on your face because you know mother knows best :)



                                         

                                  

Lilypie Breastfeeding tickersLilypie First Birthday tickers

Lizardannie1966
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:38 PM

OP-I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I really do not have any words of wisdom for you but merely this...(((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))

My dad passed away in 1994 at the young age of 59 from pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed with it 16 days before he died from it. He went very fast but by the time they did diagnose him properly (they had thought that at first,  he had diabetes because his pancreas was "acting up." Then they thought he needed an angiogram due to blockages throughout his body which we later found out was because his body was already shutting down from the cancer), it hit all of us upside of the head with shock.

A month after he passed away, my Dh and I suffered through a horrible miscarriage at 18 weeks pregnant. We had only found out I was pregnant a couple of days prior to losing her.

Life is definitely a mystery. No matter how much research and even understanding, it is never easy to see a loved one suffer.

My thoughts are with you, your family and your Mom in this very difficult time in your lives.

You don't have to be anti-man to be pro-woman~Jane Galvin Lewis

mcclellanlass
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:44 PM

Wow. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for your words of support. =( Thank you. I do appreciate it. 

Quoting Lizardannie1966:

OP-I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I really do not have any words of wisdom for you but merely this...(((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))

My dad passed away in 1994 at the young age of 59 from pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed with it 16 days before he died from it. He went very fast but by the time they did diagnose him properly (they had thought that at first,  he had diabetes because his pancreas was "acting up." Then they thought he needed an angiogram due to blockages throughout his body which we later found out was because his body was already shutting down from the cancer), it hit all of us upside of the head with shock.

A month after he passed away, my Dh and I suffered through a horrible miscarriage at 18 weeks pregnant. We had only found out I was pregnant a couple of days prior to losing her.

Life is definitely a mystery. No matter how much research and even understanding, it is never easy to see a loved one suffer.

My thoughts are with you, your family and your Mom in this very difficult time in your lives.



                                         

                                  

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wulfbourne
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:45 PM

It all sucks, no matter where in the process you are.  When I thought I was going to have time left I was planning how to rearrange my life so I could support my mother, not completely abandon my role as wife and mother, spend time with him before he passed, etc..  Then the immediate time after is a huge limbo as you plan for memorial services, deal with burocratic stuff, try to deal with grieving, and still manage to continue life.  None of them are easy and it's all a juggling act no matter what.

The best thing you can probably pray for right now would be inner strength.  It will help you to be there for everyone and hopefully maintain some sanity during this time.  You'll be in my prayers as well.

Quoting mcclellanlass:

Man, hugs go out to you! I'm sitting here whinning about the end to come, and you've already experienced it. That breaks my heart for you! And you only got two weeks!


I cried reading your response so much. =(


Thank you for your story. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. I truly am. 

Quoting wulfbourne:

*giant hugs*

Dealing with a terminally ill family member sucks ass.  My stepfather passed last September.  He went into the hospital thinking he had pancreatitis again and ended up with a diagnosis of esophageal cancer.  3-6 months left with no treatment, 1 year with chemo was what they gave him.  So they put a temporary stent in him so he could eat and sent him home on a Thursday.  He was supposed to go in the next Wendsday for a picc line for his chemo, but on Saturday I got a frantic call from my mother that he died.  Less than two weeks after diagnosis and he was gone.  Most days I'm still not sure I really believe it.  Even as I sit here crying, thinking about it, it's hard to really realize he's completely gone. 



mcclellanlass
by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 11:50 PM

Thank you. I just, thank you. Trying desperatly not to fall apart. Trying is the key word. 

Quoting wulfbourne:

It all sucks, no matter where in the process you are.  When I thought I was going to have time left I was planning how to rearrange my life so I could support my mother, not completely abandon my role as wife and mother, spend time with him before he passed, etc..  Then the immediate time after is a huge limbo as you plan for memorial services, deal with burocratic stuff, try to deal with grieving, and still manage to continue life.  None of them are easy and it's all a juggling act no matter what.

The best thing you can probably pray for right now would be inner strength.  It will help you to be there for everyone and hopefully maintain some sanity during this time.  You'll be in my prayers as well.

Quoting mcclellanlass:

Man, hugs go out to you! I'm sitting here whinning about the end to come, and you've already experienced it. That breaks my heart for you! And you only got two weeks!


I cried reading your response so much. =(


Thank you for your story. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. I truly am. 

Quoting wulfbourne:

*giant hugs*

Dealing with a terminally ill family member sucks ass.  My stepfather passed last September.  He went into the hospital thinking he had pancreatitis again and ended up with a diagnosis of esophageal cancer.  3-6 months left with no treatment, 1 year with chemo was what they gave him.  So they put a temporary stent in him so he could eat and sent him home on a Thursday.  He was supposed to go in the next Wendsday for a picc line for his chemo, but on Saturday I got a frantic call from my mother that he died.  Less than two weeks after diagnosis and he was gone.  Most days I'm still not sure I really believe it.  Even as I sit here crying, thinking about it, it's hard to really realize he's completely gone. 





                                         

                                  

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