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Republican Jesus.

Posted by on May. 21, 2011 at 1:03 PM
  • 13 Replies

Republican Jesus

“Looking for Mr. Theocracy”  or  “How I Learned to Stop Thinking for Myself and Just Trust Republican Jesus.”

When I was a kid, I was taught that the Pilgrims fled to the New World to escape religious persecution.  Somewhere in there, I learned that we don’t have a national religion and people were free to practice whatever religion they wanted.  That was kind of it as far as religion went in my history classes and overall education.  Sure, Jews were mentioned in the context of the Holocaust but more as a race than a religion.   I did, however, attend Synagogue for a few years as an adolescent.  I viewed it more as learning my heritage as opposed to actively worshipping.  Even then, I was not inclined towards belief.  Probably because my parents were more interested in making sure I was curious about stuff instead of learning any particular dogma, religion was, for me, just something that other people did.  It would be many years before I understood I was an atheist and even more years until I stumbled across Dawkins, Hitchens, et. al and learned how to verbalize it.

Through all of this, it never occurred to me that I would ever have to worry about a particular set of religious values being forced upon me.  I always assumed that religion was a private thing, practiced in one’s home or place of worship that was it.  Even in college, I rarely came across any real religious zeal.  I once took a trip down to Washington DC with the Young Republicans club because they were my friends and they invited me to go.  I got to meet Oliver North (yay me?) who was so exact in his pose with each of us, from me at 6’2” to little Jen, all of 5’1”, that, to this day, I cannot convince people the pictures are not of us next to a cardboard cutout.

Even with the Young Republicans during that first Bush presidency, I wasn’t assaulted with any kind of religious politics.  I did find a good deal of racism which gave me a big clue about how Republicans see the world.  I was totally apolitical at the time and had no idea what the difference between a Democrat and a Republican was since I didn’t read, or watch, the news and no one had ever mentioned it in any of my classes.  My political education was also sorely lacking.  It irritates me when I think back on it.

Fast forward to the Bush years.  I had been aware of the Evangelical movement back in the 80s but Creationism still wasn’t being taught in schools and Roe v. Wade hadn’t been overturned on religious grounds.  But during Bush’s tenure, I started hearing the more than occasional remark about how not believing in God makes you a bad American and if you were a LIBERAL that didn’t believe in God?  Scum of the Earth!

Wait a minute.  Not believing in God (or, more precisely, not believing in a very specific version of God) makes me a bad American?  How does that even work?  This country was founded on religious freedom and the explicit separation of Church and State, wasn’t it?  And that’s when I became acquainted with Republican Jesus™.

Who the hell is Republican Jesus™?

Republican Jesus™ is very different than the Jesus you and I are familiar with.  First off, he is White.  Not just white, but White.  Republican Jesus™ has a special place in his heart for America.  Specifically, White America.  Do you doubt this?  Ask yourself why anyone who believes in a colorblind Jesus would even conceive of praying for the death of Obama?  No, only those who follow Republican Jesus™ would even think that such a prayer could, or should, be answered.  If you are currently thinking that racism has nothing to do with the unprecedented hatred of Obama, go away, I’m talking to the grownups.

Republican Jesus™, by the way, is a big supporter of the Confederacy.  Why he let them lose the War of Northern Aggression is a mystery.  But all “real” Americans know that the South will rise again and Republican Jesus™ will lead the way back to glory.  Or something like that.  How the Northern and Mid-western Red states fit into this Southern revival is also a mystery.

Republican Jesus™ loves guns.  Loves them!  Never mind all that silly talk of beating swords into plowshares!  Every good member of the church of Republican Jesus™ should have, at minimum, enough armament to hold off an invasion by those commie Nazi liberal hordes that are coming any day now.  Or the ATF, whichever shows up first.  Or maybe just enough to wipe out a school room filled with kids when their excellent parenting skills manifest themselves in the next Columbine tragedy.

Remember, conservatives, to complain about anti-bullying programs being government overreach afterwards!

Republican Jesus™ loves the rich.  Ignore that whole “camel through the eye of a needle” garbage.  Republican Jesus™ wants you to be prosperous!  It’s called “prosperity theology” and it percolates throughout the conservative religious fervor.  God rewards the faithful with material wealth.  Very spiritual stuff.  If your idea of spiritual is a McMansion.

But Republican Jesus™ is not just about love.  Republican Jesus™ also hates and, boy, does he hate!

Republican Jesus™ hates the poor.  This is the flip side of “prosperity theology”.  If God rewards the faithful with riches, than the poor are obviously NOT of the faith and deserve what they get.  This is, in part, why conservatives hate the social safety nets of welfare, food stamps and Medicaid.  Those (and by “those” I mean those) people don’t worship Republican Jesus™ and are unworthy of being helped.  Besides if you feed them, they’ll just breed!

Republican Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer of South Carolina actually said that. And he meant it.

Republican Jesus™ hates The Gay.  They’re sinners, after all.  It says so right there in the Bible next to the part about shellfish being an abomination.  Nothing demonstrates the compassionate conservatives’ dedication to the teachings of Republican Jesus™ like blocking legislation for same sex marriage and calling homosexuals pedophiles while enjoying a nice shrimp cocktail before a delicious lobster dinner.

Also, Republican Jesus™ gave us AIDS, and STDs in general, as punishment for homosexuality.  Of course, this ignores the fact that lesbians (a well known subset of homosexuality) have the lowest rate of STDs, including AIDS, among all adult population groups.  So as far as punishment goes, half of the “sinners” are better off than the rest of us, statistically speaking.  Maybe Republican Jesus™ likes him some girl on girl action?

Republican Jesus™ hates Muslims.  Muslims are scary because some of them do bad things to innocent people.  That makes them all evil terrorists. This is not to be confused with White Christian Militia types who blow up abortion clinics or plot political assassinations in Republican Jesus’™ name.  Those people are martyrs and heroes.  Or they were crazy lone wolfs having nothing to do with Republican Jesus™.  It depends on which channel you’re interviewing on, Fox or MSNBC.

Republican Jesus™ totally hates Liberals.  Liberals are the pawns of Satan George Soros trying to destroy the greatest country ever made on this 6000 year old planet (conservative moderates are almost as bad and must be expunged!).  Compromising with a Liberal is a terrible sin in the eyes of Republican Jesus™ and must not be tolerated.

Finally, Republican Jesus™ hates science.  With a passion bordering on obsession.  And that’s the topic of my next ivory tower snobby liberal thesis:  “Why DO conservatives hate science so much?”  Or “How I learned not to learn and trust my beer gut instead.”

Feel free to tell me what a terrible person I am on my FB page http://www.facebook.com/Jrosario1701

Images from http://patriotboy.blogspot.com/


Thoughts?


Sherri

by on May. 21, 2011 at 1:03 PM
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Replies (1-10):
shadowladie01
by on May. 21, 2011 at 1:14 PM

sleep

Della529
by on May. 21, 2011 at 1:19 PM

 I think he nailed it.

PurdueMom
by Sherri on May. 21, 2011 at 1:33 PM

BUMP!

Mom2Just1
by Platinum Member on May. 21, 2011 at 1:37 PM
I like
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Jenniejen77
by on May. 21, 2011 at 1:41 PM

LOL

BleedinHeartMom
by on May. 21, 2011 at 1:49 PM

\
V
Republican Jesus
BleedinHeartMom
by on May. 21, 2011 at 1:49 PM

And Lo, did Republican Jesus come down among the masses and holding his tablet PC, did he give unto his disciples the NEW (and improved) Ten Commandments.  “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Socialism, out of the house of Communism.”

1. You shall have no other gods before me, especially that terrorist monkey god, Mohammed.[i]

2. You shall not make for yourself any carved image; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them except for the Holy Benjamins.  For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting poverty of the fathers on the children of those (those) who hate me, but showering material riches unto thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.  Also, you shall have guns.  All you want.

3. You shall not take the name of your God, Ronald Reagan, in vain, for the Lord will hold him guiltless of treason and malfeasance.

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. If you are a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, six days you shall labor and do all your work, that should just about do it for the year[ii], but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor the stranger who is within your country illegally unless they are off the books then they shall work all seven days without respite. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, including dinosaur bones and rested the seventh day.

5. Honor your father and your mother by ensuring that they keep their Social Security even as you shall taketh it away from all others.

6. You shall not murder unless they are Muslim.  Or gay.  Or abortion doctors.  Or government workers.  Or black.  Or whatever group is currently out of favor with mine chosen White (not white, White) People.

7. You shall not commit adultery and get caught during an election year.

8. You shall not steal unless it’s from the workers’ pensions.[iii]

9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.  Just kidding, Glenn.

10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.  Instead, you shall go forth and buy these things for yourself on credit and keep the “too big to fail” banks happy

BleedinHeartMom
by on May. 21, 2011 at 1:50 PM

shadowladie01
by on May. 21, 2011 at 3:55 PM

thanks for the laugh. This is one I haven't heard before.

Quoting BleedinHeartMom:

And Lo, did Republican Jesus come down among the masses and holding his tablet PC, did he give unto his disciples the NEW (and improved) Ten Commandments.  “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Socialism, out of the house of Communism.”

1. You shall have no other gods before me, especially that terrorist monkey god, Mohammed.[i]

2. You shall not make for yourself any carved image; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them except for the Holy Benjamins.  For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting poverty of the fathers on the children of those (those) who hate me, but showering material riches unto thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.  Also, you shall have guns.  All you want.

3. You shall not take the name of your God, Ronald Reagan, in vain, for the Lord will hold him guiltless of treason and malfeasance.

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. If you are a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, six days you shall labor and do all your work, that should just about do it for the year[ii], but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor the stranger who is within your country illegally unless they are off the books then they shall work all seven days without respite. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, including dinosaur bones and rested the seventh day.

5. Honor your father and your mother by ensuring that they keep their Social Security even as you shall taketh it away from all others.

6. You shall not murder unless they are Muslim.  Or gay.  Or abortion doctors.  Or government workers.  Or black.  Or whatever group is currently out of favor with mine chosen White (not white, White) People.

7. You shall not commit adultery and get caught during an election year.

8. You shall not steal unless it’s from the workers’ pensions.[iii]

9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.  Just kidding, Glenn.

10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.  Instead, you shall go forth and buy these things for yourself on credit and keep the “too big to fail” banks happy


LillyJD
by on May. 21, 2011 at 4:01 PM


Quoting Della529:

 I think he nailed it.

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