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You're lazy parents!...(ADHD/ODD)...

Posted by on Oct. 29, 2011 at 5:58 PM
  • 112 Replies
12 moms liked this

I've been thinking of a remark I saw a few days 'round here. It's not an uncommon remark or judgement. I've heard it (and others) before. "People with ADHD (and/or ODD) are just lazy parents".. "They just need to give their kid a good whoopin'"... "They just need to discipline their kids and quit being lazy"... etc...

My first thought is how uneducated these remarks and judgements are. My 2nd, is that when you have a child with ADHD and/or ODD, the last thing you can do is be lazy. It's a daily energy drainer to say the least. I have 6 kids and one ADHD/ODD child. He drains my energy more than my other 5 combined.

Everyday is a battle. It's a battle of wills between him and me. It's a battle just to maintain sanity and patience. There are numerous, daily meltdowns. Sometimes I'm the one having the meltdown, and I have to momentarily hide in the bathroom while I have a good cry.

People think they know what they're talking about... they have no idea until they're faced with a child who never gives. ADHD and ODD combined- You've got a child with energy levels that never drain. He can stay up til' 2am (or later) and be the first one wide awake in the morning with the chickens. His ODD is a constant factor, and he can argue likewise. He doesn't take no for an answer like all my other children. Everything is open to debate for him. Everything must be his way because he believes he's always right.

Think you can give him a 'good whoopin?'.. He'll laugh at you. His high strung nature somehow ties into pain. He rarely feels it. He's compulsive and appears to lack common sense most of the time. When you should be able to trust your 9 yr to responsibly take a shower (alone) he'll have you racing to the ER because he thought it'd be a good idea to climb the walls and fell, giving himself a fracture in his skull. ( He didn't even cry. He laughed. ) It's been 9 years of endless scary moments (and I don't say 9 yrs lightly, I recognized his differences in infancy), to say the least. He can't be unsupervised and even when he is supervised, there is no limit to the amount of things he can do in a blink right before your eyes. His compulsiveness works faster than I can fly across the room. It's like riding on the edge of a roller coaster, everyday.

Think you can take his things away for punishment? He's already broken them all anyhow.

Time outs?- They work if you have the energy to interrupt what ever you're doing every 30 seconds and physically place him back in his room (or the corner)... he's got enough energy to go at it all day and all night. The question is, how much do you have? Don't forget your other kids in the meantime.

Scrubbing walls or physical labor for punishment?- See above... and that's if you're lucky enough for him to make it to destination of work within the house. He'll most likely get sidetrack within 5 inches and completely forget what he was doing.

"Talk" to him about right and wrong & see if you can reason with him?- You better get it all out in 30 seconds or less. By the way, he'll forget what you said within 2 minutes, if you got him to even listen. He will also have an opposing thought to every reasoning you can throw at him.

These are just a few examples of what it takes to show an ADHD/ODD child some 'good discipline.'

I medicate my kid so I can be lazy?- Tell me that after you've spent his first couple of school years not medicating. You will have picked him up, at least once a week, for being uncontrollable in class. He will have spent most of the week in ISR as well. He will have also been suspended from school numerous times, and oh, he's failing every subject because he can't complete one simple worksheet. He'll doodle instead and find every reason to get up from his seat multiple times, and bother and disturb the other children from learning while he does it. An alternative- Put him with the special ed kids, even though his intelligence is above average.

I opted for the meds- He doesn't get sent home anymore. He's not been in ISR since. He's not only an honor roll student, he's in gifted classes as well and scores above average on all his state tests. Lazy parenting? No, I just believe enough in my child to make sure he gets all the same opportunities as anyone else so that he can excercise all of the potential and intelligence I know he has. In no way do the medications make the previously stated challenges 'go away.' But he's just a little more able... his possibilities are endless.

Don't worry about him being a 'zombie.' That's what regular dr visits, blood tests, and medication control are for. He's not a zombie because we don't overmedicate our child. He's just more able to function properly on them, enhancing his natural abilities- leadership, intelligence, and a huge heart are just a few.

While I'm talking about medications and what a lazy parent I am- Dr visits require regular care, and not just his regular dr, but his ADHD dr. It also requires weekly behavioral therapy sessions with another dr in conjuction with his medications. Because the medications alone are not what it takes to help my son manage his conditions.  

He needs the therapy in order to learn the skills he needs to manage his conditions and control his behaviors so that one day he can function as an contributing member of society. He needs the sessions so that when he is weaned off his medications as a teenager, he won't need them anymore... because he'll have the tools he needs to manage his conditions himself. Medications, at this time, serve as an aide for his brain that is not yet fully developed enough to be able to control his illnesses himself. My goal is to make sure he has the tools he needs when his brain is developed enough to function without medications one day. These things require work and effort on my part and my husbands. We also, as a family, have to engage in therapy as well in order to have tools we need as parents to effectively help our son manage his condition... and I'm barely scratching the surface here... believe that. Lazy? Quite the contrary.

His illness isn't real? We're just not good parents?- Come back and tell me that after you've lived it and are privy to an opinion. Come back and tell me that when you've got 5 other kids who don't behave the way he does by far...when you're other school aged children are on the honor roll, in gifted classes too, and function as happy, healthy children that are well taken of.

Come back and tell me what a lazy, horrible mother I am after you've walked an inch in my shoes. All the reading material in the world will never educate you like experience. Be thankful you don't have to be educated with the experience of it instead, and I'll continue to be thankful that I am.

 

 

 

 

by on Oct. 29, 2011 at 5:58 PM
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Replies (1-10):
DuchessTara
by Bronze Member on Oct. 29, 2011 at 6:00 PM

BUMP!

kailu1835
by Ruby Member on Oct. 29, 2011 at 6:02 PM
3 moms liked this

 From what I've seen ODD is mostly a crack diagnosis.  I know several kids who were diagnosed with this but did just fine when they were given rigid structure and expectations.  I think a lot of kids get diagnosed with ODD because the parents don't have the time to make sure that they are making good parenting choices, for whatever reason (I don't think laziness is the case all the time, though it CAN be... I think having to work is a pretty good reason, especially if there isn't a lot of support).  As for ADHD kids, it is possible to teach them self control.  I know PLENTY of kids and adults with this diagnosis who were perfectly capable of controlling their behavior, and some of the parents of said kids did make them do manual labor, and yes, they stood over their kid until the chore was done.  Difficult and time consuming in the short term, well worth it in the long term.  Just because a kid has been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD/ODD, or whatever other acronym out there, does not mean that structure and expectations should be lessened... if anything the bar needs to be raised.

Tanya93
by on Oct. 29, 2011 at 6:03 PM
1 mom liked this

As someone who was diagnosed with ADD as an adult, I find these arguments saying it isn't real to be really amusing.


I'm lucky in that mine was not severe, so I managed to get through school without problems.  However, even though I was never diagnosed, I think many educators throughout my life got that there was something different about me.  I was placed into GT at an early age and allowed to find ways to focus my energies on things I found interesting to help balance out having to learn math and science.

FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Oct. 29, 2011 at 6:05 PM

I have no personal experience with ADD/ADHD/OCD.  Well, not outside of my 26 year old nephew but he doesn't really count.  

I cannot make remarks such as the ones you hear or read.  I have heard them and read them myself.

I am very thankful that my three children are not ADD/ADHD/OCD or any thing else.  I truly do not know that I have the patience required.  I admire some who handle these situations with grace and what 'appears' to be ease.

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you’ll be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.
Arthur Gordon
kailu1835
by Ruby Member on Oct. 29, 2011 at 6:07 PM
Quoting Tanya93:

As someone who was diagnosed with ADD as an adult, I find these arguments saying it isn't real to be really amusing.

 

I'm lucky in that mine was not severe, so I managed to get through school without problems.  However, even though I was never diagnosed, I think many educators throughout my life got that there was something different about me.  I was placed into GT at an early age and allowed to find ways to focus my energies on things I found interesting to help balance out having to learn math and science.

 What is GT?  It's great that you were given avenues to help you succeed :)  I wish everyone understood this.  I was just talking to a friend of mine who has a daughter with some sort of social anxiety disorder... when she gets upset she stops talking.  Most of her teachers give her a few minutes to relax before expecting anything of her.  ONE teacher sends her to the office the minute she stops talking, and they do not allow her to go to lunch.  It's extremely shameful :(  It is so easy to make one simple accomodation for most kids with various disorders.  Expectations are still high, structure is still there, but kids need to have breathing room.

DuchessTara
by Bronze Member on Oct. 29, 2011 at 6:08 PM
1 mom liked this

Who said there wasn't structure and all that other stuff? Did you even read all of what I wrote? smh...

Quoting kailu1835:

 From what I've seen ODD is mostly a crack diagnosis.  I know several kids who were diagnosed with this but did just fine when they were given rigid structure and expectations.  I think a lot of kids get diagnosed with ODD because the parents don't have the time to make sure that they are making good parenting choices, for whatever reason (I don't think laziness is the case all the time, though it CAN be... I think having to work is a pretty good reason, especially if there isn't a lot of support).  As for ADHD kids, it is possible to teach them self control.  I know PLENTY of kids and adults with this diagnosis who were perfectly capable of controlling their behavior, and some of the parents of said kids did make them do manual labor, and yes, they stood over their kid until the chore was done.  Difficult and time consuming in the short term, well worth it in the long term.  Just because a kid has been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD/ODD, or whatever other acronym out there, does not mean that structure and expectations should be lessened... if anything the bar needs to be raised.


Veni.Vidi.Vici.
by on Oct. 29, 2011 at 6:11 PM
ODD isn't a crack dx. I realize it isn't always recognized by behavior analysts, but that does't change the behavior of many that are diagnosed. I will agree that sometimes parents add insult to injury by not making responsible choices...but that isn't ALWAYS true.
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Tanya93
by on Oct. 29, 2011 at 6:12 PM

Gifted and Talented.  It was an avenue that let me explore stuff I was truly interested in because I was already way above my classes, even in things I didn't like.

Quoting kailu1835:

Quoting Tanya93:

As someone who was diagnosed with ADD as an adult, I find these arguments saying it isn't real to be really amusing.


I'm lucky in that mine was not severe, so I managed to get through school without problems.  However, even though I was never diagnosed, I think many educators throughout my life got that there was something different about me.  I was placed into GT at an early age and allowed to find ways to focus my energies on things I found interesting to help balance out having to learn math and science.

 What is GT?  It's great that you were given avenues to help you succeed :)  I wish everyone understood this.  I was just talking to a friend of mine who has a daughter with some sort of social anxiety disorder... when she gets upset she stops talking.  Most of her teachers give her a few minutes to relax before expecting anything of her.  ONE teacher sends her to the office the minute she stops talking, and they do not allow her to go to lunch.  It's extremely shameful :(  It is so easy to make one simple accomodation for most kids with various disorders.  Expectations are still high, structure is still there, but kids need to have breathing room.


LilyofPhilly
by Gold Member on Oct. 29, 2011 at 6:12 PM

As a mother who pulled her kids out of school, and taught him myself for 7 years, I laugh at the idea that kids with ADHD are the result of lazy parents. I equally scoff at anyone who thinks he's getting off easy because he works for his dad now.

DuchessTara
by Bronze Member on Oct. 29, 2011 at 6:14 PM
3 moms liked this


Quoting Veni.Vidi.Vici.:

ODD isn't a crack dx. I realize it isn't always recognized by behavior analysts, but that does't change the behavior of many that are diagnosed. I will agree that sometimes parents add insult to injury by not making responsible choices...but that isn't ALWAYS true.


It definately isn't. Matter of fact, it's basically the childhood diagnosis of bipolar. But those uneducated on it wouldn't know that. They don't like to diagnosis them as bipolar because SOME children grow out of it. Children who don't, get a new diagnosis of bipolar as a young adult.

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