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You're lazy parents!...(ADHD/ODD)...

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I've been thinking of a remark I saw a few days 'round here. It's not an uncommon remark or judgement. I've heard it (and others) before. "People with ADHD (and/or ODD) are just lazy parents".. "They just need to give their kid a good whoopin'"... "They just need to discipline their kids and quit being lazy"... etc...

My first thought is how uneducated these remarks and judgements are. My 2nd, is that when you have a child with ADHD and/or ODD, the last thing you can do is be lazy. It's a daily energy drainer to say the least. I have 6 kids and one ADHD/ODD child. He drains my energy more than my other 5 combined.

Everyday is a battle. It's a battle of wills between him and me. It's a battle just to maintain sanity and patience. There are numerous, daily meltdowns. Sometimes I'm the one having the meltdown, and I have to momentarily hide in the bathroom while I have a good cry.

People think they know what they're talking about... they have no idea until they're faced with a child who never gives. ADHD and ODD combined- You've got a child with energy levels that never drain. He can stay up til' 2am (or later) and be the first one wide awake in the morning with the chickens. His ODD is a constant factor, and he can argue likewise. He doesn't take no for an answer like all my other children. Everything is open to debate for him. Everything must be his way because he believes he's always right.

Think you can give him a 'good whoopin?'.. He'll laugh at you. His high strung nature somehow ties into pain. He rarely feels it. He's compulsive and appears to lack common sense most of the time. When you should be able to trust your 9 yr to responsibly take a shower (alone) he'll have you racing to the ER because he thought it'd be a good idea to climb the walls and fell, giving himself a fracture in his skull. ( He didn't even cry. He laughed. ) It's been 9 years of endless scary moments (and I don't say 9 yrs lightly, I recognized his differences in infancy), to say the least. He can't be unsupervised and even when he is supervised, there is no limit to the amount of things he can do in a blink right before your eyes. His compulsiveness works faster than I can fly across the room. It's like riding on the edge of a roller coaster, everyday.

Think you can take his things away for punishment? He's already broken them all anyhow.

Time outs?- They work if you have the energy to interrupt what ever you're doing every 30 seconds and physically place him back in his room (or the corner)... he's got enough energy to go at it all day and all night. The question is, how much do you have? Don't forget your other kids in the meantime.

Scrubbing walls or physical labor for punishment?- See above... and that's if you're lucky enough for him to make it to destination of work within the house. He'll most likely get sidetrack within 5 inches and completely forget what he was doing.

"Talk" to him about right and wrong & see if you can reason with him?- You better get it all out in 30 seconds or less. By the way, he'll forget what you said within 2 minutes, if you got him to even listen. He will also have an opposing thought to every reasoning you can throw at him.

These are just a few examples of what it takes to show an ADHD/ODD child some 'good discipline.'

I medicate my kid so I can be lazy?- Tell me that after you've spent his first couple of school years not medicating. You will have picked him up, at least once a week, for being uncontrollable in class. He will have spent most of the week in ISR as well. He will have also been suspended from school numerous times, and oh, he's failing every subject because he can't complete one simple worksheet. He'll doodle instead and find every reason to get up from his seat multiple times, and bother and disturb the other children from learning while he does it. An alternative- Put him with the special ed kids, even though his intelligence is above average.

I opted for the meds- He doesn't get sent home anymore. He's not been in ISR since. He's not only an honor roll student, he's in gifted classes as well and scores above average on all his state tests. Lazy parenting? No, I just believe enough in my child to make sure he gets all the same opportunities as anyone else so that he can excercise all of the potential and intelligence I know he has. In no way do the medications make the previously stated challenges 'go away.' But he's just a little more able... his possibilities are endless.

Don't worry about him being a 'zombie.' That's what regular dr visits, blood tests, and medication control are for. He's not a zombie because we don't overmedicate our child. He's just more able to function properly on them, enhancing his natural abilities- leadership, intelligence, and a huge heart are just a few.

While I'm talking about medications and what a lazy parent I am- Dr visits require regular care, and not just his regular dr, but his ADHD dr. It also requires weekly behavioral therapy sessions with another dr in conjuction with his medications. Because the medications alone are not what it takes to help my son manage his conditions.  

He needs the therapy in order to learn the skills he needs to manage his conditions and control his behaviors so that one day he can function as an contributing member of society. He needs the sessions so that when he is weaned off his medications as a teenager, he won't need them anymore... because he'll have the tools he needs to manage his conditions himself. Medications, at this time, serve as an aide for his brain that is not yet fully developed enough to be able to control his illnesses himself. My goal is to make sure he has the tools he needs when his brain is developed enough to function without medications one day. These things require work and effort on my part and my husbands. We also, as a family, have to engage in therapy as well in order to have tools we need as parents to effectively help our son manage his condition... and I'm barely scratching the surface here... believe that. Lazy? Quite the contrary.

His illness isn't real? We're just not good parents?- Come back and tell me that after you've lived it and are privy to an opinion. Come back and tell me that when you've got 5 other kids who don't behave the way he does by far...when you're other school aged children are on the honor roll, in gifted classes too, and function as happy, healthy children that are well taken of.

Come back and tell me what a lazy, horrible mother I am after you've walked an inch in my shoes. All the reading material in the world will never educate you like experience. Be thankful you don't have to be educated with the experience of it instead, and I'll continue to be thankful that I am.

 

 

 

 

by on Oct. 29, 2011 at 5:58 PM
Replies (31-40):
LilyofPhilly
by Gold Member on Oct. 29, 2011 at 7:18 PM
1 mom liked this

Agreed. I also left the medication decision up to my child from the age of 10 on. I knew he needed to feel in control of his treatment. If I had forced him, he would have likely rebelled as so many boys do once they are older. 

Quoting DuchessTara:

What he 'became' is typical.. adults will self-medicate with drugs & other things.. this is why I make such an effort to make sure my son has therapy in conjuction with his meds. I pray that through therapy, that's exactly the adult he doesn't turn into because I know it's what can happen. You can't just medicate a child. Meds serve as an aide while their brain is still developing, because contrary to opinion, they can't control it as children because their brain doesn't have the skills yet, it's not developed enough. People don't understand that a child with an illness like that can't control themselves like other children because they have an ILLNESS. Those who 'grow out of it' do so because their brain developed enough for them to be able to control it. Others, unfortunately, self medicate and fall into drugs & other chemical addictions as adults, recieving no treatment or any help.

Quoting FromAtoZ:

Thank you for taking the time to answer.  I appreciate it.

My sister wrote several papers, years ago, about children with ADD and medicating.  She was so against it, for so many reasons, in regards to her son.  She tried all she could and finally realized that medication could help.  I can't recall what he was on, for how long, how much or any of that.  But I do know that with a little help from the meds and how attentive she was to his needs, he certainly was able to become more productive.  Then he hit the age of 16, started smoking too much weed, quit school his senior year.  He had never scored any thing less than a A since the 9th grade.  Off the meds and any thing his mother ever did for him was wasted.  He is now 26, a complete loser and well, just an overall mess.  Of course now he blames his 'troubles' and his record on his being ADD.  *sigh*

I don't know why I typed all of that.  I think I just find him to be rather frustrating.   



The declaration that a god exists, is an arrogant period where there ought to be a humble question mark.

Heather_the_Mom
by Bronze Member on Oct. 29, 2011 at 7:19 PM

OMG.... I HEART YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!!!

My son is six, and has ADHD, but luckily no ODD.  I recognized he was different as an infant as well.

I abso love this post, and you have said everything that mothers dealing with this want to say! 

again, I HEART YOU

you rockbowing downblowing kisses

LilyofPhilly
by Gold Member on Oct. 29, 2011 at 7:20 PM

LOL, yeah, I can't remember who, though.

Quoting silvercrow:

Lily that is adorable but i have one question is someone sitting on the couch on the right hand of the screen? all i see is a white face and its kinda creepy

Quoting LilyofPhilly:

Really, big trouble maker there.....obviously the result of lazy parenting, right?!




The declaration that a god exists, is an arrogant period where there ought to be a humble question mark.

DuchessTara
by Bronze Member on Oct. 29, 2011 at 7:27 PM

Thank you... you've reiterated my intentions and made it all worth while (:

Quoting Heather_the_Mom:

OMG.... I HEART YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!!!

My son is six, and has ADHD, but luckily no ODD.  I recognized he was different as an infant as well.

I abso love this post, and you have said everything that mothers dealing with this want to say! 

again, I HEART YOU

you rockbowing downblowing kisses


LilyofPhilly
by Gold Member on Oct. 29, 2011 at 7:29 PM

I do think a distinction needs to be made between ADHD and ODD. ODD can be caused by purely environmental factors and ineffective parenting. That's not to say the parents are lazy. This disorder usually coincides with some other condition-such as ADHD. Many parents are at a loss as to how to deal with an ADHD child, or a child with some other mental condition. Some swing between overly-strict discipline and giving in to keep the kid temporarily appeased and in control. This can cause the oppositional defiant disorder.

I have known parents that tried to discipline problematic behaviors out of kids, and parents that completely over-indulged their kids to gain some peace from the little terrors. Neither works long term. It's a delicate balance, and constantly second-guessing ones parenting skills.

FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Oct. 29, 2011 at 7:29 PM


Quoting DuchessTara:

What he 'became' is typical.. adults will self-medicate with drugs & other things.. this is why I make such an effort to make sure my son has therapy in conjuction with his meds. I pray that through therapy, that's exactly the adult he doesn't turn into because I know it's what can happen. You can't just medicate a child. Meds serve as an aide while their brain is still developing, because contrary to opinion, they can't control it as children because their brain doesn't have the skills yet, it's not developed enough. People don't understand that a child with an illness like that can't control themselves like other children because they have an ILLNESS. Those who 'grow out of it' do so because their brain developed enough for them to be able to control it. Others, unfortunately, self medicate and fall into drugs & other chemical addictions as adults, recieving no treatment or any help.

Quoting FromAtoZ:


Quoting Tanya93:

My first teaching job.  The school nurse had noticed things about me and things students said about how I would totally go off topic class if I noticed something that interested me.

So I was tested by 3 doctors and all concluded i was ADD.  I just have trouble focusing and staying focused.  I have more energy than about 98% of the country, but the energy doesn't help if I am bored with something because it sucks.

I am not medicated.  I learned early on how to get things done even if I hated them.  But I did have to struggle daily to always stay on topic and stay on task when teaching.

Quoting FromAtoZ:

One of my older sisters has told me that I was ADD as a child.  That our mother refused to acknowledge this as others would look at HER differently.  Of course two other sisters have said that was not true.  One of those things in life I will never be certain of.  But I would not have put it past my mother to dismiss any thing that might have made her look less than such the perfect mother.

Those who are ADD as an adult, what lead to your diagnosis.  What are the 'symptoms'? 


Thank you for taking the time to answer.  I appreciate it.

My sister wrote several papers, years ago, about children with ADD and medicating.  She was so against it, for so many reasons, in regards to her son.  She tried all she could and finally realized that medication could help.  I can't recall what he was on, for how long, how much or any of that.  But I do know that with a little help from the meds and how attentive she was to his needs, he certainly was able to become more productive.  Then he hit the age of 16, started smoking too much weed, quit school his senior year.  He had never scored any thing less than a A since the 9th grade.  Off the meds and any thing his mother ever did for him was wasted.  He is now 26, a complete loser and well, just an overall mess.  Of course now he blames his 'troubles' and his record on his being ADD.  *sigh*

I don't know why I typed all of that.  I think I just find him to be rather frustrating.   


I understand what you are saying.  He had every tool he needed, every avenue open to him.  His mother made sure of this.  He was in therapy and even continued with that for quite a few years.  My sister fought long and hard to do what she felt her son needed and would benefit him.  He resisted at every turn and once he turned 18 it only became worse.  

He is extremely intelligent. It is such a shame to see that intelligence go to waste.

He has been babied far too long, not necessarily due to his ADD but due to his mother being far too overbearing and protective of him.  Once he found himself in trouble with the law and such she was always there to 'bail him out' and blaming his actions on the ADD.  She lost herself along the way.  It has been quite sad to watch as the  years have gone by.  When her husband, his father, passed away this past June of cancer, we all feared what the future would hold for her and her son.  To be quite frank, we fear that one day he will kill his mother.  He is not a good person, regardless of any illness.  

Family members have often thought that he is bi-polar.  God love my sister but she has been blind to him for far too long and we fear now it is too late.  She fought such the fight for him for so many years.  I think once she realized he would never do as she hoped, he would never be able to stick it out with any one thing in life because he did not want to, that all she could do was sit back and pray he would come to her for help one day.  She has enabled him but does not see it or refuses to accept it.  He truly has wasted his life thus far. 

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you’ll be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.
Arthur Gordon
DuchessTara
by Bronze Member on Oct. 29, 2011 at 7:50 PM

A lot of people also don't understand exactly what ODD is though. They think it means a 'bad' kid. So it gets passed off as a crack diagnosis, fake, etc. But a little google searching, they'll find that it's actually just a child diagnosis of adult bipolar. They have the same symptoms (and the dr will tell you what I'm saying too.) They don't like to diagnos a child with bipolar right away because it's one that would stick forever, and some children don't stay ODD (I don't think dr's are quite sure which ones are chemical imbalance and which aren't, so they are careful in their diagnosis.) Children who do stay ODD, get diagnosed with bipolar a teenager or adult.

 I agree, some ODD diagnosis can be an enviromental factor, or even a development delay or problem, and not a chemical imbalance. That's why dr's won't call it 'bipolar' because if they do, that child will have that diagnosis forever. ODD doesn't stay forever. They either 'grow out of it' (their enviroment changes, their brain developes more, etc) or they are diagnosed as bipolar as an adult. Dr's know they're not all chemical imbalances and so they treat it for the 'now'... On the other hand, many ODD diagnosis are a chemical imbalance. My childs dr has already told us to be prepared, he will most likely be diagnosed as bipolar. She's come to this conclusion because of his mood stabilizer meds. The dose is as high as it can go.. children who don't have the chemical imbalance (and just have the ilness for what ever reason) can usually do well on a low dose stabilizer. My son on the other hand, is on a high dose, so high it can't go any higher, and it still doesn't work completely. It only takes the edge off. It's been raised several times through the years and the dr said that only happens when they're more likely bipolar, a chemical imbalance. She has already said he's bipolar, she just holds off on the official diagnosis because of his age. It's a permenant thing once it's diagnosed.

ODD was really a bad name to give the illness. It's very misleading. But it's because some children display bipolar symptoms and don't have the chemical imbalance, so they have to generalize the term for all of them. They can't call it bipolar if they don't have a chemical imbalance and there's no way to tell until their brain is more developed & the symptoms are going to obviously stay.

When people actually understand what ODD actually is, they might see it in a different light. It doesn't mean this out of control monster who needs better parenting. Its bipolar and those symptoms are different. It's just not a chemical imbalance for all children diagnosed with it.

It comes as no surprise that my son is leaning toward bipolar, he's got it running on both sides of his genes.

Quoting LilyofPhilly:

I do think a distinction needs to be made between ADHD and ODD. ODD can be caused by purely environmental factors and ineffective parenting. That's not to say the parents are lazy. This disorder usually coincides with some other condition-such as ADHD. Many parents are at a loss as to how to deal with an ADHD child, or a child with some other mental condition. Some swing between overly-strict discipline and giving in to keep the kid temporarily appeased and in control. This can cause the oppositional defiant disorder.

I have known parents that tried to discipline problematic behaviors out of kids, and parents that completely over-indulged their kids to gain some peace from the little terrors. Neither works long term. It's a delicate balance, and constantly second-guessing ones parenting skills.


Ashley_Carlson
by on Oct. 29, 2011 at 8:02 PM

I'm not saying you're a lazy parent, but medication alone is not enough. He can't be dependant on a pill forever. He'll also need some intense therapy. 

LilyofPhilly
by Gold Member on Oct. 29, 2011 at 8:05 PM

I did not know that about the bipolar. That is very worrisome for you, my sympathies to you. I'm sure you will stay on top of your child's issues, and he will get the best of upbringing for it. (((hugs)))

Quoting DuchessTara:

A lot of people also don't understand exactly what ODD is though. They think it means a 'bad' kid. So it gets passed off as a crack diagnosis, fake, etc. But a little google searching, they'll find that it's actually just a child diagnosis of adult bipolar. They have the same symptoms (and the dr will tell you what I'm saying too.) They don't like to diagnos a child with bipolar right away because it's one that would stick forever, and some children don't stay ODD (I don't think dr's are quite sure which ones are chemical imbalance and which aren't, so they are careful in their diagnosis.) Children who do stay ODD, get diagnosed with bipolar a teenager or adult.

 I agree, some ODD diagnosis can be an enviromental factor, or even a development delay or problem, and not a chemical imbalance. That's why dr's won't call it 'bipolar' because if they do, that child will have that diagnosis forever. ODD doesn't stay forever. They either 'grow out of it' (their enviroment changes, their brain developes more, etc) or they are diagnosed as bipolar as an adult. Dr's know they're not all chemical imbalances and so they treat it for the 'now'... On the other hand, many ODD diagnosis are a chemical imbalance. My childs dr has already told us to be prepared, he will most likely be diagnosed as bipolar. She's come to this conclusion because of his mood stabilizer meds. The dose is as high as it can go.. children who don't have the chemical imbalance (and just have the ilness for what ever reason) can usually do well on a low dose stabilizer. My son on the other hand, is on a high dose, so high it can't go any higher, and it still doesn't work completely. It only takes the edge off. It's been raised several times through the years and the dr said that only happens when they're more likely bipolar, a chemical imbalance. She has already said he's bipolar, she just holds off on the official diagnosis because of his age. It's a permenant thing once it's diagnosed.

ODD was really a bad name to give the illness. It's very misleading. But it's because some children display bipolar symptoms and don't have the chemical imbalance, so they have to generalize the term for all of them. They can't call it bipolar if they don't have a chemical imbalance and there's no way to tell until their brain is more developed & the symptoms are going to obviously stay.

When people actually understand what ODD actually is, they might see it in a different light. It doesn't mean this out of control monster who needs better parenting. Its bipolar and those symptoms are different. It's just not a chemical imbalance for all children diagnosed with it.

It comes as no surprise that my son is leaning toward bipolar, he's got it running on both sides of his genes.

Quoting LilyofPhilly:

I do think a distinction needs to be made between ADHD and ODD. ODD can be caused by purely environmental factors and ineffective parenting. That's not to say the parents are lazy. This disorder usually coincides with some other condition-such as ADHD. Many parents are at a loss as to how to deal with an ADHD child, or a child with some other mental condition. Some swing between overly-strict discipline and giving in to keep the kid temporarily appeased and in control. This can cause the oppositional defiant disorder.

I have known parents that tried to discipline problematic behaviors out of kids, and parents that completely over-indulged their kids to gain some peace from the little terrors. Neither works long term. It's a delicate balance, and constantly second-guessing ones parenting skills.



The declaration that a god exists, is an arrogant period where there ought to be a humble question mark.

DuchessTara
by Bronze Member on Oct. 29, 2011 at 8:15 PM

I understand exactly what you're saying. The father of my ADHD child is just exactly the man you're describing. (Thats why we're not married anymore.) He was never diagnosed as a child, in fact, not much attention was paid to his behaviors. He was just a 'bad' kid and got put in special ed class when he didn't need to be. He began what he actually called 'self-medicating' as a teen, weed, and his life never got better. He never sought help or even tried to find out why he was the way he was. The only reason it was diagnosed was through instances of forced rehab centers & such. He has never continued care or gotten counseling. His mom too, babied him and always bailed him out. He turned into a meth addict and was very abusive to me during our marriage... I divorced him and his life just kept getting worse. He lost custody of his kids from his first marriage (that he still had when I was there, because of me).. they got put with his family members through dhs care, and he can't see any of kids unsupervised. He doesn't even see the ones we have together at all, he doesn't try. I didn't know he was the way he is when I married him. I had no idea. I was 18 and he was 8 yrs older than me. I was young and naive. My husband and I are doing everything we possibly can to make sure our son goes down a better road. We know my ex was highly intelligent too, he just never learned how to excercise it.

Quoting FromAtoZ:


Quoting DuchessTara:

What he 'became' is typical.. adults will self-medicate with drugs & other things.. this is why I make such an effort to make sure my son has therapy in conjuction with his meds. I pray that through therapy, that's exactly the adult he doesn't turn into because I know it's what can happen. You can't just medicate a child. Meds serve as an aide while their brain is still developing, because contrary to opinion, they can't control it as children because their brain doesn't have the skills yet, it's not developed enough. People don't understand that a child with an illness like that can't control themselves like other children because they have an ILLNESS. Those who 'grow out of it' do so because their brain developed enough for them to be able to control it. Others, unfortunately, self medicate and fall into drugs & other chemical addictions as adults, recieving no treatment or any help.

Quoting FromAtoZ:


Quoting Tanya93:

My first teaching job.  The school nurse had noticed things about me and things students said about how I would totally go off topic class if I noticed something that interested me.

So I was tested by 3 doctors and all concluded i was ADD.  I just have trouble focusing and staying focused.  I have more energy than about 98% of the country, but the energy doesn't help if I am bored with something because it sucks.

I am not medicated.  I learned early on how to get things done even if I hated them.  But I did have to struggle daily to always stay on topic and stay on task when teaching.

Quoting FromAtoZ:

One of my older sisters has told me that I was ADD as a child.  That our mother refused to acknowledge this as others would look at HER differently.  Of course two other sisters have said that was not true.  One of those things in life I will never be certain of.  But I would not have put it past my mother to dismiss any thing that might have made her look less than such the perfect mother.

Those who are ADD as an adult, what lead to your diagnosis.  What are the 'symptoms'? 

 

Thank you for taking the time to answer.  I appreciate it.

My sister wrote several papers, years ago, about children with ADD and medicating.  She was so against it, for so many reasons, in regards to her son.  She tried all she could and finally realized that medication could help.  I can't recall what he was on, for how long, how much or any of that.  But I do know that with a little help from the meds and how attentive she was to his needs, he certainly was able to become more productive.  Then he hit the age of 16, started smoking too much weed, quit school his senior year.  He had never scored any thing less than a A since the 9th grade.  Off the meds and any thing his mother ever did for him was wasted.  He is now 26, a complete loser and well, just an overall mess.  Of course now he blames his 'troubles' and his record on his being ADD.  *sigh*

I don't know why I typed all of that.  I think I just find him to be rather frustrating.   

 

I understand what you are saying.  He had every tool he needed, every avenue open to him.  His mother made sure of this.  He was in therapy and even continued with that for quite a few years.  My sister fought long and hard to do what she felt her son needed and would benefit him.  He resisted at every turn and once he turned 18 it only became worse.  

He is extremely intelligent. It is such a shame to see that intelligence go to waste.

He has been babied far too long, not necessarily due to his ADD but due to his mother being far too overbearing and protective of him.  Once he found himself in trouble with the law and such she was always there to 'bail him out' and blaming his actions on the ADD.  She lost herself along the way.  It has been quite sad to watch as the  years have gone by.  When her husband, his father, passed away this past June of cancer, we all feared what the future would hold for her and her son.  To be quite frank, we fear that one day he will kill his mother.  He is not a good person, regardless of any illness.  

Family members have often thought that he is bi-polar.  God love my sister but she has been blind to him for far too long and we fear now it is too late.  She fought such the fight for him for so many years.  I think once she realized he would never do as she hoped, he would never be able to stick it out with any one thing in life because he did not want to, that all she could do was sit back and pray he would come to her for help one day.  She has enabled him but does not see it or refuses to accept it.  He truly has wasted his life thus far. 


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