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WWYD~Your young adult child

Posted by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 9:36 AM
  • 18 Replies

 Yesterday I spent time with a woman who is having trouble with her 18 y/o son.

Apparently he is using drugs, and hanging around bad people, and hugely disrespecting his parents. (he actually calls his mother a "stupid bitch", ugh)

She shared with me that if he continues on this path she will not lose him; she will, in fact, forfeit her marriage and leave her other child, also a teen and flee the country with her son...to "save him".

What would you do?

If your child was taking a path you vehemently disagree with, would you kick them out of the house? Would you allow them to stay in your life, regardless? Could you "live with the guilt" of kicking them out?

The young man refuses counseling.

by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 9:36 AM
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Replies (1-10):
SuperChicken
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 9:38 AM

So she won't lose this child but is willing to lose her other child?   Your friend sounds kinda  loony.

heidimoose134
by Momma Moose on Nov. 9, 2011 at 9:39 AM
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It's hard to say what I would do and I hope to never have to face this situation.

You can only help people who want help. If he refuses counseling or rehab, imo there's no point in letting him stick around and treat you (general you) like that. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they realize they messed up royally. 

It's complex, though, because drugs are involved. 

I'm curious if anyone has been through this, what their answer is. 


I don't think that abandoning her other child is a very good idea, though.

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romalove
by Roma on Nov. 9, 2011 at 9:40 AM

 At 18, he is no longer a minor.  It is one of the most heart wrenching things a parent can do to their own child, but if he will not follow the rules of the house and is a disruption, he would be out.

I have young adult kids living at home (26 and 22).  There is NO way I would tolerate them using drugs, not being industrious either working or in school, and being disrespectful to me.

TruthSeeker.
by Milami on Nov. 9, 2011 at 9:41 AM

 Oh boy. My children are so young that I can't imagine what I would possibly do. I can only guess.

 If my child was not stealing from me, I would probably not put them out.  I think having a safe and warm place to crash when they need or want to get away from that lifestyle is important. I would continue to tell them how much I love them and offer help in anyway possible. I would try to solicit Intervention counselors to help.

 If my child became violent or began to steal from me, I would have no choice but to put them out and do all that is left and pray and hope for a good outcome.

Radarma
by Ruby Member on Nov. 9, 2011 at 9:42 AM

 

Quoting romalove:

 At 18, he is no longer a minor.  It is one of the most heart wrenching things a parent can do to their own child, but if he will not follow the rules of the house and is a disruption, he would be out.

I have young adult kids living at home (26 and 22).  There is NO way I would tolerate them using drugs, not being industrious either working or in school, and being disrespectful to me.

 IKR. I am with ya.

But then the question becomes one of guilt. And how can we gage how much guilt we can or cannot withstand? She talked about seeing her son on the street, homeless...and how she could not withstand that.

katy_kay08
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 9:43 AM
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I could not sacrifice my other children to save one. I would have to set boundaries that protected my other children and that might mean removing my son from the home if he refused to get clean. I would feel a great deal of grief over the choice and would ultimately question every decision, but I do not believe in enabling a drug addicts behavior.
romalove
by Roma on Nov. 9, 2011 at 9:44 AM

 

Quoting Radarma:

 

Quoting romalove:

 At 18, he is no longer a minor.  It is one of the most heart wrenching things a parent can do to their own child, but if he will not follow the rules of the house and is a disruption, he would be out.

I have young adult kids living at home (26 and 22).  There is NO way I would tolerate them using drugs, not being industrious either working or in school, and being disrespectful to me.

 IKR. I am with ya.

But then the question becomes one of guilt. And how can we gage how much guilt we can or cannot withstand? She talked about seeing her son on the street, homeless...and how she could not withstand that.

 I'd have guilt anyway.  That I had a child who turned to drugs and hung out with the wrong people would be enough to induce great guilt.  This isn't a situation that popped up in a second. 

She can't save him, he's an adult (even a young one at that) and unless he wants to be saved he can't be.  She needs to save herself and the rest of her family.

And if he won't get therapy, she should.  She will need strength to deal with whatever she must do.

punky3175
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 9:45 AM

 This.

Quoting katy_kay08:

I could not sacrifice my other children to save one. I would have to set boundaries that protected my other children and that might mean removing my son from the home if he refused to get clean. I would feel a great deal of grief over the choice and would ultimately question every decision, but I do not believe in enabling a drug addicts behavior.

 

_Bama_
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 9:45 AM

I agree with this. 

Quoting katy_kay08:

I could not sacrifice my other children to save one. I would have to set boundaries that protected my other children and that might mean removing my son from the home if he refused to get clean. I would feel a great deal of grief over the choice and would ultimately question every decision, but I do not believe in enabling a drug addicts behavior.


katy_kay08
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 10:01 AM
I will add that I can understand her panic. I know that feeling so well, and some of the things that crossed my mind when I was trying to protect my son from himself was crazy. Thankfully, I was able to recognize it and talk through the dread I was feeling rather than act on the panic. I would encourage your friend to seek counseling to help her create a workable plan and discuss her fears Ina "safe" environment.
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