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The Gender Issue

Posted by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 8:16 AM
  • 42 Replies

 The Gender Issue

The question of the week on the adoption facebook pages seems to be whether or not you should request gender when adopting. Seriously? This is what my life keeps boiling down to? When will the gender issues in my own life be over? I keep trying to explain my position on various pages until I'm exhausted. It's like real life. Except now I'm older so I realize, what they say doesn't really matter in the wide scheme of my life. This is MY life. I can make the choices in it with my husband and children and if they are good choices for US....the rest of the world can live with it.

Gender first became an issue in 2002 when we found out we were having our second son and not the million dollar family of a boy and a girl. At that same time, a friend was battling with infertility and adopting from Russia. Guess what? They specified a girl. She later bore a biological son. I had two sons.

Then we looked into adoption and were told we were absurd for wanting to specify gender. We were told of the hundreds of stories of people who were just trying to have ONE baby. ANY baby. Yes, I got it. My sister sufferred from infertility for SIX YEARS before finally conceiving her oldest daughter. Yes, she was gender wishful. A girl. We went on to have our own biological child again, another boy.

Plain and simple, I want the opportunity to parent a girl child. I want the bows, the frills, the tea parties, the obnoxious Barbie shoes that will mingle with the legos in my life. And darn it, I'm tired of apologizing for that desire. I want a grown up relationship with my daughter, whatever that may be. I want to see things through her eyes. I want to be the mother of the bride. I want to watch my husband with a pink bundle. To watch him dance with her. To stop being excluded from Mother/Daughter lunches, spa days, and picture options. (not that I let those terms stop me. Those who know me, know I've shown up with a boy or two in tow to picture sessions and lunches).

So why am I still haunted by this? Our journey to adoption and hopefully one day through it is gender specific. It is. We are adopting to add a daughter to our family. And I think that is ok. If we did not have any children would I be gender specific? Probably not. Maybe gender wishful, like I was during my pregnancies, but not specific. I wanted a boy at first. Got him! Wanted a girl next...still waiting. But in the mean time I have two other amazing little boys that I adore and love with every fiber of my being.

I guess I get all in knots when people say you should not be gender specific in adoption but you can be race specific, single vs twin birth specific, and special needs specific. Really? So, in real life, when I get pregnant, I must just take what I get, but if I adopt I am shunned because I want a girl, even though I said I'd take any race, and we would look into some special needs issues. Because really, the last time I looked, I took what I got from the womb three times before.

Ok, so that is not really fair because my husband and I are of the same race so chances were pretty much a score that our babies would look like us. But what if I were raped like a friend of mine was and the race was questionable. Would I not have accepted that child? I would have. A child is a gift from God. And health..yes, I knew what went into my body so chances were the baby would have the highest hopes of being healthy, but we all know there are chromosomal abnormalities, traumas in the womb, traumas at birth, and even afterwards with the fear of Autism. So again, I took what I got from the womb three times.

To me, this is just another way to finger point. We all want the same thing. A child in arms. A child to raise and love and nurture and hopefully gaze into their eyes as we die as old people and they are still vivacious and healthy. So why do this to each other? Why are we finding another way to make our choices and our decisions more right than someone elses. We all have our journeys that bring us to adoption. Infertility, child loss, gender specificity, or just wanting to add to our families with the heart of adoption. It should connect us, not drive us further from each other.

And that's all I got to say about that...........
 
Taken from this blog: http://katherineasbery.blogspot.com/2012/02/gender-issue.html?spref=fb

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by on Feb. 8, 2012 at 8:16 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ecagle
by Kegel on Feb. 8, 2012 at 8:18 AM

 My basic thought after reading this was this:

HOW is it ok to request a white, healthy INFANT....but NOT ok to request a GIRL of any age, race, and having health issues is OK?????

Why does gender become the defining factor???  I mean...is it just so the person requesting the infant can feel better about themselves??? 

pansyprincess
by Silver Member on Feb. 8, 2012 at 8:23 AM
1 mom liked this

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a specific gender. 

purpleducky
by Silver Member on Feb. 8, 2012 at 8:25 AM
1 mom liked this

I will just watch this one. The only thing I will say is that just because someone requests a child with a vagina does not mean they are going to get a child with a female gender.

smalltowngal
by Platinum Member on Feb. 8, 2012 at 8:26 AM


Quoting pansyprincess:

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a specific gender. 


danie24
by Bronze Member on Feb. 8, 2012 at 8:28 AM
Just because a baby has a vagina doesn't mean she'll want frills, pink, barbies or tea parties.

And the idea that a father can't cradle his son in his arms and dance around the living room with him is a sad one.

If you want a child with a vagina, fine. But it's silly to assume they'll fall into the gender stereotype.

I have a son and daughter.. I play dress up, tea party and dollies with my little man as much as I do my daughter. And I play Legos, trucks and dinosaurs wig my little girl as much as I do my son.

If this lady wants pink so badly.. buy a bucket of paint and go nuts.
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romalove
by Roma on Feb. 8, 2012 at 8:28 AM

 I was struck by her wanting the pink stuff, the tea parties, etc.

I have a newsflash:  having a girl baby guarantees none of those things past the first two years.  I have a son and two daughters.  My older daughter is just simply not girly.  She hated wearing dresses, refused to do so after the age of two (not even on Christmas to please her grandparents), hated tea parties, didn't like Barbies, wanted to play softball and hang with the boys.  She's grown up now, and she wears some makeup, likes jewelry, and follows certain male singers with great fanatacism, but overall, she's just not a girly-girl.

Sometimes we have to be happy with what we do have and not look for what we don't. 

danie24
by Bronze Member on Feb. 8, 2012 at 8:28 AM
Exactly

Quoting purpleducky:

I will just watch this one. The only thing I will say is that just because someone requests a child with a vagina does not mean they are going to get a child with a female gender.

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ecagle
by Kegel on Feb. 8, 2012 at 8:41 AM
2 moms liked this

 Honestly, I think people with BOTH genders can't understand the desire for the opposite gender.  We KNOW that they may be not like the girly-frilly stuff.  Heck, I, as a FEMALE, don't like that girly-frilly stuff...I don't like Barbies, I was a soccer playing, joining the Army type gal ;)  When hubby and I were talking about having a girl child, BOTH of us joked around about the regular "girl" stuff and what we would miss out on...does that mean we think ALL girls are like that...NO!!!!

HOWEVER, that doesn't negate the fact that I would have loved to have raised a daughter.  It also doesn't negate the fact that I love my three boys with ALL my heart. 

I want to point out: if a person is willing to take a child with disabilities, they probably DON'T care about having that "perfect" girl child.  I also want to point out that in getting PREGNANT, most people have "dreams" about what they want to do with their children, be them gender or non-gender specific...are those dreams BAD because the child might be born with a disability and therefore they may not come to fruition?  Sure, a girl may not like barbies...but a child may also be born with Autism and never say: "I love you"...does that mean the dream to have a child say: "I love you" is a bad one because a child may be born with Autism and never say it?

Again, why is it OK to request race in adoption? age in adoption? disabilities in adoption? BUT...when it comes to asking for a specific gender it becomes wrong????

Quoting romalove:

 I was struck by her wanting the pink stuff, the tea parties, etc.

I have a newsflash:  having a girl baby guarantees none of those things past the first two years.  I have a son and two daughters.  My older daughter is just simply not girly.  She hated wearing dresses, refused to do so after the age of two (not even on Christmas to please her grandparents), hated tea parties, didn't like Barbies, wanted to play softball and hang with the boys.  She's grown up now, and she wears some makeup, likes jewelry, and follows certain male singers with great fanatacism, but overall, she's just not a girly-girl.

Sometimes we have to be happy with what we do have and not look for what we don't. 

 

ecagle
by Kegel on Feb. 8, 2012 at 8:47 AM

 The same could be said about anything.  Just because a person wants a HEALTHY baby doesn't mean they are going to get one.  I would have loved to have raised a daughter...it's not in our cards.  We won't ever adopt for many reasons and my uterus is closed....HOWEVER, I would have loved a little girl.  It wouldn't have mattered if in the end it turned out that I had child who was MALE gender.  I STILL would have loved ALL my children.  Just as I love ALL my children right now with every fiber of my being.

Honestly, I really hate it when expressing a desire for a gender results in the whole: WELL, you shouldn't feel that way BECAUSE, just because you want a girl doesn't mean you'll GET one.

Honestly, what's wrong with with a dream?  Most people KNOW dreams are just dreams.  Growing up, many girls play with dolls, imagine what they'd name their children, think about what their children will look like...most of those "dreams" never come true...does that make them bad???

Quoting danie24:

Exactly

Quoting purpleducky:

I will just watch this one. The only thing I will say is that just because someone requests a child with a vagina does not mean they are going to get a child with a female gender.

 

pansyprincess
by Silver Member on Feb. 8, 2012 at 8:47 AM

Exactly!  I have both genders, and I *really* wanted a girl when I was pregnant.  My son has surprised me so much ... I love being the mom of a boy!  But many of the desires I had about parenting a girl have come true ...

Quoting ecagle:

 Honestly, I think people with BOTH genders can't understand the desire for the opposite gender.  We KNOW that they may be not like the girly-frilly stuff.  Heck, I, as a FEMALE, don't like that girly-frilly stuff...I don't like Barbies, I was a soccer playing, joining the Army type gal ;)  When hubby and I were talking about having a girl child, BOTH of us joked around about the regular "girl" stuff and what we would miss out on...does that mean we think ALL girls are like that...NO!!!!

HOWEVER, that doesn't negate the fact that I would have loved to have raised a daughter.  It also doesn't negate the fact that I love my three boys with ALL my heart. 

I want to point out: if a person is willing to take a child with disabilities, they probably DON'T care about having that "perfect" girl child.  I also want to point out that in getting PREGNANT, most people have "dreams" about what they want to do with their children, be them gender or non-gender specific...are those dreams BAD because the child might be born with a disability and therefore they may not come to fruition?  Sure, a girl may not like barbies...but a child may also be born with Autism and never say: "I love you"...does that mean the dream to have a child say: "I love you" is a bad one because a child may be born with Autism and never say it?

Again, why is it OK to request race in adoption? age in adoption? disabilities in adoption? BUT...when it comes to asking for a specific gender it becomes wrong????

Quoting romalove:

 I was struck by her wanting the pink stuff, the tea parties, etc.

I have a newsflash:  having a girl baby guarantees none of those things past the first two years.  I have a son and two daughters.  My older daughter is just simply not girly.  She hated wearing dresses, refused to do so after the age of two (not even on Christmas to please her grandparents), hated tea parties, didn't like Barbies, wanted to play softball and hang with the boys.  She's grown up now, and she wears some makeup, likes jewelry, and follows certain male singers with great fanatacism, but overall, she's just not a girly-girl.

Sometimes we have to be happy with what we do have and not look for what we don't. 

 


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