Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

O/T I snooped.*EDIT*

Posted by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 6:11 PM
  • 44 Replies

*EDIT*

Thank you ladies for all the wonderful advice and for not being judgmental. I should have known moving back in with him would be a mistake.. But it's a lesson learned. The next step is just getting my son and I into a more positive environment and going from there. 

I'll still be around to debate. :-)

----

I know this group is full of smart ladies so I figured this would be a good place to turn. 


I'm sure a fair chunk of you know that I have been having problems with my SO and have been anticipating leaving. I've been waiting for a little push (like a nasty argument or the electricity getting shut off.. something of that nature) to get out of the situation with a valid excuse. 

Anyway. Our cable company has been blowing up my phone all week leaving voicemails (I don't answer 800 numbers) saying it's urgent and I need to call them back. SO has been essentially hiding the bills from me and not allowing me to have any say in the finances. He asks me to dish out money that I don't have to pay for groceries and "promises" to pay it back (doesn't usually happen). He's a compulsive gambler so that's where I figured he was wasting his money at. 

Anyway. So I decided I would try to see where he's been stashing the bills at, and I assumed they would be in his desk in his mancave in the basement. So that's where I decided to look. Well, I found a $315 cable bill that's due this month (so, basically he hasn't paid it one damn time since we moved into the house) and a $95 electric bill (we get it at $45 a month with budget billing) so he didn't pay the electricity last month. The electricity is in his name but everything else is in mine. So not only does this bother me because he's not being responsible with his money, but it bothers me because he's ruining my credit. Lesson learned there, I guess. 

Oh, and just to make me feel sooo much better. My SO, who supposedly "quit" smoking weed well over a year ago, has a bong (an unfamiliar one, I might add) stashed under his desk and a sack full of weed in one of his drawers. Now, I'm pro-weed legaliztion, but I am NOT pro smoke your weed under the same roof that my son lives in. 

I'm not sure how to go about this. Obviously this is the opportunity to get out like I've wanted to, but I don't know how to go about this.. I don't know if I should just pack my stuff and leave him a note and bunk somewhere until I can find my own place.. I don't know if I should confront him about it.... ? Obviously I will have to go to DHS (not looking forward to that), but I'm not sure how long it will take for them to process everything they need, and I'm not sure at all how to go about visitation, especially if he's using illegal substances. I really don't want to nark him out and cause him to lose his job.

I'm so frustrated. I feel extremely betrayed and hurt. I'm not in love with the guy but it bothers me that he has no regard for his son whatsoever to make sure that everything is in order financially. It bothers me that gambling and, apparently, smoking weed all day is more important than spending time with his son. It bothers me that spending money on crap he doesn't need is more important than making sure his son and the woman who is pregnant with his second child are fed properly. 

Sorry, I'm just not sure where to turn for advice. I have a great family support system but they're not always the best at taking things in steps and figuring out how to handle a situation from an unemotional standpoint. Not to mention if I go to my mom and bring up the marijuana issue she will take that to work with her and it will definitely get him fired, which isn't good for anybody (she works at the same place SO does). 

I thought he grew up a little bit but I guess I was a fool for believing that. 

by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 6:11 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
FrogSalad
by Sooze on Feb. 12, 2012 at 6:28 PM


Quote:

I'm not sure how to go about this. Obviously this is the opportunity to get out like I've wanted to, but I don't know how to go about this.. I don't know if I should just pack my stuff and leave him a note and bunk somewhere until I can find my own place.. If it was me, I'd do that - either friend or family, take the essentials and go back for the rest later.  I don't know if I should confront him about it.... ?   Is there a point to doing that?  If so, what do you hope to accomplish that you haven't been able to accomplish while living together?  If you're done, you're done.  There probably will be a confrontation at some point, but I wouldn't instigate one.  He knows why you left.  Obviously I will have to go to DHS (not looking forward to that), but I'm not sure how long it will take for them to process everything they need, and I'm not sure at all how to go about visitation, especially if he's using illegal substances. I really don't want to nark him out and cause him to lose his job.  One step at a time.  Go to DHS.  Fill out the forms, talk to them, keep it as professional and dispassionate as you can.  Try to remember to put your son's welfare ahead of your feelings for your ex (difficult, but will  be best for your kids in the long run).  I don't know how visitation works when the parents aren't married; my sister and her ex have always worked things out without the courts getting involved, with the exception of child support; perhaps DHS can direct you further on that account.

I'm sorry.  You deserve so much better:  for yourself and for your kids.  Hang in there.



There's Zoloft, Welbutrin, there's Paxil that's proven, no side effects.  But the rest left unnamed 'cause they worked like a charm on me. (The Answer)

.betty.white.
by Member on Feb. 12, 2012 at 6:31 PM

Why isn't he paying the bills?  Is he stressed about money and trying to shield the stress from you?  If that is the case, then I think you two need to come together on the money issues.  Hugs and I hope it works out.

heidimoose134
by Momma Moose on Feb. 12, 2012 at 6:33 PM


Quoting FrogSalad:


Quote:

I'm not sure how to go about this. Obviously this is the opportunity to get out like I've wanted to, but I don't know how to go about this.. I don't know if I should just pack my stuff and leave him a note and bunk somewhere until I can find my own place.. If it was me, I'd do that - either friend or family, take the essentials and go back for the rest later. I'm leaning in this direction. I don't have much of a spine as it is and I hate conflict. Although he will definitely confront me about leaving him with a note.. we've already been down that road once before.  I don't know if I should confront him about it.... ?   Is there a point to doing that?  If so, what do you hope to accomplish that you haven't been able to accomplish while living together?  If you're done, you're done.  There probably will be a confrontation at some point, but I wouldn't instigate one.  He knows why you left.  I don't see the point, but I know that some people tend to say "sit down and talk things out" etc etc. I've been done for a while but I didn't know if it would be better to tell him why I'm leaving face-to-face or not. Obviously I will have to go to DHS (not looking forward to that), but I'm not sure how long it will take for them to process everything they need, and I'm not sure at all how to go about visitation, especially if he's using illegal substances. I really don't want to nark him out and cause him to lose his job.  One step at a time.  Go to DHS.  Fill out the forms, talk to them, keep it as professional and dispassionate as you can.  Try to remember to put your son's welfare ahead of your feelings for your ex (difficult, but will  be best for your kids in the long run).  I don't know how visitation works when the parents aren't married; my sister and her ex have always worked things out without the courts getting involved, with the exception of child support; perhaps DHS can direct you further on that account.

I'm sorry.  You deserve so much better:  for yourself and for your kids.  Hang in there.


Thanks. I'm not well-versed on custody/visitation stuff. I've researched enough with PA to (hopefully) know what I'm doing in that department.. and I know when I apply for benefits they will want his info for child support. Hopefully they can guide me in terms of visitation. Although I'm hesitent after finding what I found tonight. 

Appreciate the advice. :-)

heidimoose134
by Momma Moose on Feb. 12, 2012 at 6:35 PM


Quoting .betty.white.:

Why isn't he paying the bills?  Is he stressed about money and trying to shield the stress from you?  If that is the case, then I think you two need to come together on the money issues.  Hugs and I hope it works out.

He makes more than enough money to ensure the bills are paid and food is in the fridge. I laid out a very realistic budget for him and everything and he refused and won't tell me what he brings in or how much he has. He's simply being irresponsible. Nothing more, nothing less. Every time I bring up finances he turns into the Hulk. 

FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Feb. 12, 2012 at 6:37 PM

Oh boy.  My heart goes out to you.  

Document everything, much like your post did, with dates and such and take pictures.

You need to see a lawyer.  See a couple.  Most will offer a free initial consultation.  Have your questions ready so you can get the most use out of that time.

Do you have somewhere to go now?  Whose name is the house in?


luvlyrta
by Member on Feb. 12, 2012 at 6:46 PM
I'm sorry this is happening. If it were me, I'd want as much financial cushion as possible before I left. Are you working? I'd get a housing arrangement in place, enough money to feed me and my kid(s) for a few weeks, etc, as well mentally and emotionally prepare myself. I know you say you Don't love him but you know, you have 2 kids with him, there are ties. I personally wouldn't tell mom, I wouldn't need her worrying or giving me her two cents. I'd want neutral advice. DHS will let you know as you go, I would think - but the wheels can turn slow, so that's why I'd want as much cushion as possible. If you work, I would let them know the minimum of what's going on I'm case you have to miss work, take phone calls, etc. Also, in CA anyway, am employer can't retaliate -like termination - against an employee if they know something like this is going on; and depending on the situation, there may be leave you can take. Did you find any money? I'd take whatever I found of value. You Don't know what predicament you will find yourself soon :/
Also, do you think he will fight you for custody or otherwise make your life difficult. I think I would try to anticipate as much as possible what he will do to try to act in advance kwim? Good luck mama.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
jllcali
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 6:49 PM
2 moms liked this
Take all important papers, pack as much as you can take with you and get out.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
luvlyrta
by Member on Feb. 12, 2012 at 6:52 PM
Oh, you said the bills are in your name. I would immediately call them once you leave to get everything disconnected, including the house if you are on the lease or mortgage.

Unless he's going to give me problems, I Don't think an attorney is necessary. If you think he'll threaten to harm you, go to your local courthouse and get papers filed - they are just forms, you can do it yourself.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
heidimoose134
by Momma Moose on Feb. 12, 2012 at 6:57 PM


Quoting FromAtoZ:

Oh boy.  My heart goes out to you.  

Document everything, much like your post did, with dates and such and take pictures.

You need to see a lawyer.  See a couple.  Most will offer a free initial consultation.  Have your questions ready so you can get the most use out of that time.

Do you have somewhere to go now?  Whose name is the house in?


Thanks. I have various family members who can take me under their wing temporarally but none of them have room for us permanantly. His dad actually owns the house and he pays him rent. So I would be the one to leave. No skin of my nose, really, this house has issues and I'm pretty sure it's an electrical hazard. 

I'll see what I can figure out with a lawyer, although I'll probably visit DHS tomorrow to see what they have to say about the situation. 

heidimoose134
by Momma Moose on Feb. 12, 2012 at 7:01 PM


Quoting luvlyrta:

I'm sorry this is happening. If it were me, I'd want as much financial cushion as possible before I left. Are you working? I'd get a housing arrangement in place, enough money to feed me and my kid(s) for a few weeks, etc, as well mentally and emotionally prepare myself. I know you say you Don't love him but you know, you have 2 kids with him, there are ties. I personally wouldn't tell mom, I wouldn't need her worrying or giving me her two cents. I'd want neutral advice. DHS will let you know as you go, I would think - but the wheels can turn slow, so that's why I'd want as much cushion as possible. If you work, I would let them know the minimum of what's going on I'm case you have to miss work, take phone calls, etc. Also, in CA anyway, am employer can't retaliate -like termination - against an employee if they know something like this is going on; and depending on the situation, there may be leave you can take. Did you find any money? I'd take whatever I found of value. You Don't know what predicament you will find yourself soon :/
Also, do you think he will fight you for custody or otherwise make your life difficult. I think I would try to anticipate as much as possible what he will do to try to act in advance kwim? Good luck mama.

My family can help me temporarily with housing, so I'm not worried about that. Between taxes and student loans I have about $9,000 to last me for a while. I've been budgeting that out the last few days anyway, just in case. I'm not working right now but I have been planning on getting a part time job after I become CNA certified (which I have to do by the end of the year so I can enroll in nursing next winter) to subsidize me until I get my RN. 

I'm sure he'll do things to make my life difficult. He's the type to hold a grudge and do things out of spite. Sigh. I'm not threatened by him but he's a pain in the arse. 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)