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Its not a battle

Posted by on May. 1, 2012 at 3:50 PM
  • 7 Replies

I am a step mom to 2 amazing kids. I have been a part of their life for 3 years now. My husband and I have felt some serious tension from their biological mother from the very beginning.

She accused my husband of child abuse the first year we were married and our kids were out of our home for a year. He obviously did not abuse the kids and we had to go to court over it. The case was finally settled and they have been back with us for about a year now. They have joint custody and we have them 50% of the time and pay 50% of the bills.

After getting through all of that and making it out ok, now my husband and I are starting to argue because I am the one who communicates with her on a regular basis and she is not an easy person to deal with. I complain to him about her a lot and he is tired of hearing it and thinks I need to get over it.  She is very threatened by me and is always trying to replicate what I do for the kids and is very vindictive. I do not love them to make her jealous. She really never had a close realationship with the kids until I came in to the picture.She used to think that "buying" their love was the way to go. She has always talked very poorly of my husband to the kids and they, of course, believe every word she has said  because she is their mother. Every kid wants to believe their mother. They are ver responsive to us at our home and you can tell they feel very comfortable and loved.

 I do not seek to out-parent her or to take her place. I know my place and have made it very clear to her that I know my place as a step parent. I came from a broken home myself and am very aware of how the whole step parent thing works.

I am having a hard time because I feel like every move I make she constantly tries to one-up me. I am happy to know I have inspired her to be a better mother and that her kids are now feeling very loved by her but I am fearful that her kindness to them is coming from the wrong place and it makes me angry. I find great joy in being a step mom but find much depression, dealing with the ex wife. She is very phony with the kids and cares more about making sure she is loved more by them and making their dad look bad then actually loving and caring for them because it is her first instinct.

How do I go on every day and pretend this doesnt bother me? How do I continue to show them love and give my self to them without feeling like I am competing? I have been told to focus on the fact that I have helped them by showing her how to love them the right way and that I have to accept that she will always try to be better than me and that it isnt important if she is better, so long as the kids are loved and cared for. I am trying to get to that place but feel so overwhelmed with anger toward her. Help!!

by on May. 1, 2012 at 3:50 PM
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Replies (1-7):
LindaClement
by Thatwoman on May. 1, 2012 at 4:04 PM
3 moms liked this

Let her win. In your own mind.

She's righteously injured, in her mind. That causes a lot of suffering for her. Which is nice. 

Pretend she's a robot that will continue to respond in completely predictable ways, but you don't have access to her control panel.

You don't have to 'pretend' it doesn't bother you --you need to understand that she's a free, separate individual outside your control. Yes, you'll have to live with the fallout at your house --but that's as true for the teachers at school, the neighbours and their future employers. You can only help them live well... you can't control the world, only help them deal with its realities.

jtsm123
by New Member on May. 1, 2012 at 4:22 PM

Noone has ever said anything like that to me.

You made it so simple to understand. Thank you for the advice. Such a breath of fresh air.

I have never blogged before and am resulting to it to see if it will help and also maybe take the place of me having to vent to my husband all of the time. So far, I am happy with it!!

I am getting there with just accepting things for what they are, just not as quickly as I would like. I suppose I need to rely more on Gods strength than my own and understand that He is in control of the timing and not me...lol

kailu1835
by Ruby Member on May. 1, 2012 at 4:32 PM
1 mom liked this

 When you marry someone with kids, you agree to take on all the drama that comes with biological parents feeling like they need to fight to win.  Let her win in her mind, so that she'll back off.  She won't feel like she needs to battle to win if she thinks she's already won.

AMBG825
by on May. 1, 2012 at 5:19 PM
1 mom liked this

Stop communicating with her. If it frustrates you and makes DH upset ...let DH deal with it. She isn't YOUR problem to deal with. She's your DH's problem.

TruthSeeker.
by Milami on May. 1, 2012 at 5:41 PM

 Here is a group for you where you may be able to get some good advice:)

 http://www.cafemom.com/group/290/

 ETA:Oh, not that you won't get good advice in here, just that that group is solely devoted to step parenting!

_Bama_
by on May. 1, 2012 at 5:52 PM

He was married to her and had kids by her... you step out of the way and let them have at it... Trust me....stepmama here of 10 years... the minute that happen for me... my life became easier.  When the children are with you... enjoy them... and let the rest go.

_Bama_
by on May. 1, 2012 at 5:52 PM

Absolutely!

Quoting AMBG825:

Stop communicating with her. If it frustrates you and makes DH upset ...let DH deal with it. She isn't YOUR problem to deal with. She's your DH's problem.


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