I am a step mom to 2 amazing kids. I have been a part of their life for 3 years now. My husband and I have felt some serious tension from their biological mother from the very beginning.
She accused my husband of child abuse the first year we were married and our kids were out of our home for a year. He obviously did not abuse the kids and we had to go to court over it. The case was finally settled and they have been back with us for about a year now. They have joint custody and we have them 50% of the time and pay 50% of the bills.
After getting through all of that and making it out ok, now my husband and I are starting to argue because I am the one who communicates with her on a regular basis and she is not an easy person to deal with. I complain to him about her a lot and he is tired of hearing it and thinks I need to get over it. She is very threatened by me and is always trying to replicate what I do for the kids and is very vindictive. I do not love them to make her jealous. She really never had a close realationship with the kids until I came in to the picture.She used to think that "buying" their love was the way to go. She has always talked very poorly of my husband to the kids and they, of course, believe every word she has said because she is their mother. Every kid wants to believe their mother. They are ver responsive to us at our home and you can tell they feel very comfortable and loved.
I do not seek to out-parent her or to take her place. I know my place and have made it very clear to her that I know my place as a step parent. I came from a broken home myself and am very aware of how the whole step parent thing works.
I am having a hard time because I feel like every move I make she constantly tries to one-up me. I am happy to know I have inspired her to be a better mother and that her kids are now feeling very loved by her but I am fearful that her kindness to them is coming from the wrong place and it makes me angry. I find great joy in being a step mom but find much depression, dealing with the ex wife. She is very phony with the kids and cares more about making sure she is loved more by them and making their dad look bad then actually loving and caring for them because it is her first instinct.
How do I go on every day and pretend this doesnt bother me? How do I continue to show them love and give my self to them without feeling like I am competing? I have been told to focus on the fact that I have helped them by showing her how to love them the right way and that I have to accept that she will always try to be better than me and that it isnt important if she is better, so long as the kids are loved and cared for. I am trying to get to that place but feel so overwhelmed with anger toward her. Help!!