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Why do people stay with their spouse or SO if they cheat on them????

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 I have read a lot of posts on here with people complaining  about their spouse  and SO cheating on them and they still stay with them. Why does a person stay with a person that cheats on them???  I would leave my spouse if he ever cheated on me. I just don't get it. Not sure if this is where this post belongs but I am posting it anyways.

by on May. 6, 2012 at 3:14 PM
Replies (31-40):
EireLass
by Ruby Member on May. 6, 2012 at 7:43 PM

Why? (to what is underlined)

Quoting myhandsomelove:

for me it has to do with how long you have been together and if this is the first time it happened and working it out, also if you have kids together it hard to just walk away like it was nothing, we are adults now not high school kids that can cheat and move on like it were nothing, you have years invested in this person snd your future with them its hard to just walk away......


kailu1835
by Ruby Member on May. 6, 2012 at 7:46 PM
1 mom liked this

 It depends on a few factors, including whether or not the spouce cheated once, or if it is an ongoing thing.  For me, once, by itself, wouldn't make me leave.  Repeated cheating... if he blinked he would miss me leaving with the kids.  Cheating can be a sign of a problem in the marriage, which, when fixed, would stop.  Sometimes cheating is a sign of a messed up person, which can't be fixed.

kailu1835
by Ruby Member on May. 6, 2012 at 7:47 PM

 Because you are ripping your kids away from their other parent.  Cheating doesn't mean a person is a bad parent.

Quoting EireLass:

Why? (to what is underlined)

Quoting myhandsomelove:

for me it has to do with how long you have been together and if this is the first time it happened and working it out, also if you have kids together it hard to just walk away like it was nothing, we are adults now not high school kids that can cheat and move on like it were nothing, you have years invested in this person snd your future with them its hard to just walk away......


 

babiesbabybaby development

EireLass
by Ruby Member on May. 6, 2012 at 7:50 PM

I agree. So isn't the onus on the man to bring attention to the wife that he feels the marriage is in trouble? And if he doesn't care enough to do that, or take the responsibility to do that, maybe he's really not cut out for the responsibility of marriage?

Quoting Woodbabe:

I think it depends on the situation. A moment of weakness is different from someone pursuing a relationship on the side. For some, the marriage is not something so throw away, but to work on. The man cheating could be seen as a red flag that the relationship is in trouble, and instead of kicking a good man out, he could be worth working through the situation. Many marriages are stronger for it and end up lasting a long time. Life isn't black and white. We're all human and we all make mistakes. Its how you look at and deal with the mistake that matters in the relationship.


EireLass
by Ruby Member on May. 6, 2012 at 7:54 PM
1 mom liked this

"Ripping away". Wouldn't they be allowed to see that parent as often as they liked......after all, he's not a bad parent. OR....is he a bad parent, because look at what his actions are teaching his children.

Quoting kailu1835:

 Because you are ripping your kids away from their other parent.  Cheating doesn't mean a person is a bad parent.

Quoting EireLass:

Why? (to what is underlined)

Quoting myhandsomelove:

for me it has to do with how long you have been together and if this is the first time it happened and working it out, also if you have kids together it hard to just walk away like it was nothing, we are adults now not high school kids that can cheat and move on like it were nothing, you have years invested in this person snd your future with them its hard to just walk away......


FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on May. 6, 2012 at 7:56 PM
1 mom liked this

Staying together for the children is not wise.  Sure, it may feel like it at the time.  But in the long run, the big picture, it isn't the healthiest way to go for the children.  If the parents are not happy as individuals and together, thinking the children won't pick up on that, that staying together because of them, is wise, you (generally speaking) are wrong.

If and when some one cheats, that is a huge indicator that there are issues in the marriage.  However, allowing your relationship to get to the point of using that as an excuse for your cheating speaks to the person's character.  That person cannot be the best parent they may be capable of being when they are dishonest in other ways.

It all hurts the children.

Removing the children from an atmosphere of discord, the kind that cannot be repaired, is the best route to go.  Even if you still want to be with your spouse but the situation isn't going to improve, keeping your children in such a situation is not in their best interest.

Children hear, feel and see more than we could ever realize or want to admit.  

Woodbabe
by Woodie on May. 6, 2012 at 8:01 PM

I sincerely don't think there is one cut and dry answer. If it were that simple, wouldn't all problems simply be addressed up front and worked out?

Quoting EireLass:

I agree. So isn't the onus on the man to bring attention to the wife that he feels the marriage is in trouble? And if he doesn't care enough to do that, or take the responsibility to do that, maybe he's really not cut out for the responsibility of marriage?

Quoting Woodbabe:

I think it depends on the situation. A moment of weakness is different from someone pursuing a relationship on the side. For some, the marriage is not something so throw away, but to work on. The man cheating could be seen as a red flag that the relationship is in trouble, and instead of kicking a good man out, he could be worth working through the situation. Many marriages are stronger for it and end up lasting a long time. Life isn't black and white. We're all human and we all make mistakes. Its how you look at and deal with the mistake that matters in the relationship.



 Sexy If its unladylike, fattening or fun, I'm in!
  

FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on May. 6, 2012 at 8:01 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting EireLass:

"Ripping away". Wouldn't they be allowed to see that parent as often as they liked......after all, he's not a bad parent. OR....is he a bad parent, because look at what his actions are teaching his children.

Quoting kailu1835:

 Because you are ripping your kids away from their other parent.  Cheating doesn't mean a person is a bad parent.

Quoting EireLass:

Why? (to what is underlined)

Quoting myhandsomelove:

for me it has to do with how long you have been together and if this is the first time it happened and working it out, also if you have kids together it hard to just walk away like it was nothing, we are adults now not high school kids that can cheat and move on like it were nothing, you have years invested in this person snd your future with them its hard to just walk away......


You bring up a very good point.  There is no blanket statement that covers every situation.  But overall, when a parent cheats and the children know, and more times than not they know, that is certainly not acting in their best interest.  That is showing them things they should never have to try to understand.  So that person is not being a good parent.  How the other spouse reacts to the situation can have an impact on the children as well.  They may not be the best parent either.

There is no definition, a certain definition, of a correct way of parenting.

However, when a child is aware that one of their parents has done something that is indeed wrong, they see the impact on the other parent, it can hurt.  If the 'bad' parent shows the child it was indeed a mistake and one they will never make again, that is a positive to help heal the negative.  No matter what the negative is.  But if the parent continues with any type of pattern, the child will see it and that will, without doubt, confuse them.  

It's hard on the kids because they love their parents unconditionally.  Then they see things happening and when patterns emerge they don't know what to think, about the parent or their actions.  The waters get pretty murky.

Being a parent is hard.  Balancing your own life with being a parent. Not easy at all. 

But we have to do our best to do our best.

When we make mistakes, and we will, it is important to show our children we can own those mistakes and make the effort never to repeat.

"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." ~ Maya Angelou

MomofNikki2010
by Silver Member on May. 6, 2012 at 8:02 PM
I've never been in the situation to know but I can say that I don't see it as something insurmountable. If the work is worth putting in, I say do it!
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Mommy_of_Riley
by Jes on May. 6, 2012 at 8:06 PM
You say you'd leave but you just don't know until you're in that situation...

My husband has never cheated and I used to say "you cheat on me I'd kill the girl and then you". Ha!
But then a close friend and her husband had some issues. Cheating was involved. They got through it and have a stronger marriage now.
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