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Why do people stay with their spouse or SO if they cheat on them????

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 I have read a lot of posts on here with people complaining  about their spouse  and SO cheating on them and they still stay with them. Why does a person stay with a person that cheats on them???  I would leave my spouse if he ever cheated on me. I just don't get it. Not sure if this is where this post belongs but I am posting it anyways.

by on May. 6, 2012 at 3:14 PM
Replies (41-50):
survivorinohio
by René on May. 6, 2012 at 8:12 PM
1 mom liked this

I think that we all have our lines and limits.  Mine are diifferent than others I know and thats ok.  I  think I agree with woodie , sometimes.  Sometimes it would be worth it to overcome and move beyond and the relationship will be better for it . I believe in pros and cons columns and use them all the time.

Me I could  move past a one night thing but I dont think I could move beyond a behind my back for an extended period relationship.  Thats just a lot of lies, I probably wouldnt be able to get over that.

How far you go in life depends on your being: tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of both the weak and strong.  Because someday in life you would have been one or all of these.  GeorgeWashingtonCarver


Taurus_Girl78
by on May. 6, 2012 at 8:13 PM

 

Quoting Mommy_of_Riley:

You say you'd leave but you just don't know until you're in that situation...

My husband has never cheated and I used to say "you cheat on me I'd kill the girl and then you". Ha!
But then a close friend and her husband had some issues. Cheating was involved. They got through it and have a stronger marriage now.

 Oh I know I would leave 100% if  he cheated on me. He has come close before by talking to another woman on the phone and getting into trouble in the navy when he was in over a woman. He basically told a woman he had no wife or child. He also told the woman she had a nice butt and nice lips. They reported him and he got busted in rank  and got out for high year tenure. He basically through out his career of 12 years in the navy for talking smack to another woman. That is basically verbal and emotional cheating in my book. If he ever physically cheated  he would be out of the house. I still do not trust him 100% due to all of that drama and mess 3 years ago. So yes I do know I would leave him 100% if he physically cheated on me with another woman. It has been hard for me to deal with the emotional and verbal cheating he has done already . I don't think I will ever get over that. So if he ever got physically involved with another women that would be the last draw and he will be out.

kailu1835
by Ruby Member on May. 6, 2012 at 8:19 PM

 The vast majority (70%) of all custody cases are awarded to the mother.  The father might get to see his kids every other weekend, as is most common.  The father is no longer present in the home on a daily basis, so in a sense, yes, that is ripping children away from their father.  On the reverse, if a man leaves because his wife cheats, he will probably not get to see his kids much more than every other weekend, so will have ripped himself away from his kids.

Cheating doesn't make someone a bad parent.  They could be very kind and loving and nurturing and teaching their kids great values.  I would venture to guess that most kids are sheltered from their parent's infidelities, unless, of course, the other parent is vindictive and wants to come between the parent and the children.

Quoting EireLass:

"Ripping away". Wouldn't they be allowed to see that parent as often as they liked......after all, he's not a bad parent. OR....is he a bad parent, because look at what his actions are teaching his children.

Quoting kailu1835:

 Because you are ripping your kids away from their other parent.  Cheating doesn't mean a person is a bad parent.

Quoting EireLass:

Why? (to what is underlined)

Quoting myhandsomelove:

for me it has to do with how long you have been together and if this is the first time it happened and working it out, also if you have kids together it hard to just walk away like it was nothing, we are adults now not high school kids that can cheat and move on like it were nothing, you have years invested in this person snd your future with them its hard to just walk away......


 

babiesbabybaby development

FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on May. 6, 2012 at 8:22 PM


Quoting Taurus_Girl78:

 

Quoting Mommy_of_Riley:

You say you'd leave but you just don't know until you're in that situation...

My husband has never cheated and I used to say "you cheat on me I'd kill the girl and then you". Ha!
But then a close friend and her husband had some issues. Cheating was involved. They got through it and have a stronger marriage now.

 Oh I know I would leave 100% if  he cheated on me. He has come close before by talking to another woman on the phone and getting into trouble in the navy when he was in over a woman. He basically told a woman he had no wife or child. He also told the woman she had a nice butt and nice lips. They reported him and he got busted in rank  and got out for high year tenure. He basically through out his career of 12 years in the navy for talking smack to another woman. That is basically verbal and emotional cheating in my book. If he ever physically cheated  he would be out of the house. I still do not trust him 100% due to all of that drama and mess 3 years ago. So yes I do know I would leave him 100% if he physically cheated on me with another woman. It has been hard for me to deal with the emotional and verbal cheating he has done already . I don't think I will ever get over that. So if he ever got physically involved with another women that would be the last draw and he will be out.

There was a time I could have written much of what you just did.  The exception is that the military didn't give two shits. 

Any way, after the online crap happened I should have left then.  But there was a lot of abuse going on and I couldn't bring myself to admit it.  I was weak.

Your situation is different, we all are, and I hope that the two of you are able to come together, if that is what you truly want. 

"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." ~ Maya Angelou

FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on May. 6, 2012 at 8:26 PM


Quoting kailu1835:

 The vast majority (70%) of all custody cases are awarded to the mother.  The father might get to see his kids every other weekend, as is most common.  The father is no longer present in the home on a daily basis, so in a sense, yes, that is ripping children away from their father.  On the reverse, if a man leaves because his wife cheats, he will probably not get to see his kids much more than every other weekend, so will have ripped himself away from his kids.

Cheating doesn't make someone a bad parent.  They could be very kind and loving and nurturing and teaching their kids great values.  I would venture to guess that most kids are sheltered from their parent's infidelities, unless, of course, the other parent is vindictive and wants to come between the parent and the children.

Quoting EireLass:

"Ripping away". Wouldn't they be allowed to see that parent as often as they liked......after all, he's not a bad parent. OR....is he a bad parent, because look at what his actions are teaching his children.

Quoting kailu1835:

 Because you are ripping your kids away from their other parent.  Cheating doesn't mean a person is a bad parent.

Quoting EireLass:

Why? (to what is underlined)

Quoting myhandsomelove:

for me it has to do with how long you have been together and if this is the first time it happened and working it out, also if you have kids together it hard to just walk away like it was nothing, we are adults now not high school kids that can cheat and move on like it were nothing, you have years invested in this person snd your future with them its hard to just walk away......


 

Depending on the age of the child(ren), thinking they are sheltered and do not know what is going on is an assumption that usually ends up being false.

When a child is aware of what is going on, be that a parent cheating, or otherwise, it is not only due to the other spouse being vindictive.

There are so many variables in individual situations.  But thinking children are not perceptive is where many parents go wrong.

If a parent is having an affair they cannot possibly be teaching their children good morals where that area is concerned.  Well, they can say the words but children need to see.  A parent who is cheating and acting otherwise in front of the child is putting the entire burden and responsibility on to the other spouse to put up a good act.  If people really cared about their children they would never cheat.  They would either deal with issues, stop hiding behind them, find a way to work things out or get out of the marriage long before they bring some one else in to the mix.

Easier said than done, however.

"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." ~ Maya Angelou

Taurus_Girl78
by on May. 6, 2012 at 8:26 PM

 

Quoting FromAtoZ:


Quoting Taurus_Girl78:

 

Quoting Mommy_of_Riley:

You say you'd leave but you just don't know until you're in that situation...

My husband has never cheated and I used to say "you cheat on me I'd kill the girl and then you". Ha!
But then a close friend and her husband had some issues. Cheating was involved. They got through it and have a stronger marriage now.

 Oh I know I would leave 100% if  he cheated on me. He has come close before by talking to another woman on the phone and getting into trouble in the navy when he was in over a woman. He basically told a woman he had no wife or child. He also told the woman she had a nice butt and nice lips. They reported him and he got busted in rank  and got out for high year tenure. He basically through out his career of 12 years in the navy for talking smack to another woman. That is basically verbal and emotional cheating in my book. If he ever physically cheated  he would be out of the house. I still do not trust him 100% due to all of that drama and mess 3 years ago. So yes I do know I would leave him 100% if he physically cheated on me with another woman. It has been hard for me to deal with the emotional and verbal cheating he has done already . I don't think I will ever get over that. So if he ever got physically involved with another women that would be the last draw and he will be out.

There was a time I could have written much of what you just did.  The exception is that the military didn't give two shits. 

Any way, after the online crap happened I should have left then.  But there was a lot of abuse going on and I couldn't bring myself to admit it.  I was weak.

Your situation is different, we all are, and I hope that the two of you are able to come together, if that is what you truly want. 

 That was his rock bottom.  He was lucky to get a honorable discharge.He has grown up a lot since then and we are doing great but I still don't trust him 100%. We are getting along well. He knows he hurt my daughter and I bad and he has been doing everything in his power to make things right. It will take me a long time to trust him 100% but I am trying . If I ever find out he has physically been with another woman  we are done. No if ands or buts because I  given him a chance due to that other drama. We will be married for 10 years this September.

FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on May. 6, 2012 at 8:28 PM


Quoting Taurus_Girl78:

 

Quoting FromAtoZ:


Quoting Taurus_Girl78:

 

Quoting Mommy_of_Riley:

You say you'd leave but you just don't know until you're in that situation...

My husband has never cheated and I used to say "you cheat on me I'd kill the girl and then you". Ha!
But then a close friend and her husband had some issues. Cheating was involved. They got through it and have a stronger marriage now.

 Oh I know I would leave 100% if  he cheated on me. He has come close before by talking to another woman on the phone and getting into trouble in the navy when he was in over a woman. He basically told a woman he had no wife or child. He also told the woman she had a nice butt and nice lips. They reported him and he got busted in rank  and got out for high year tenure. He basically through out his career of 12 years in the navy for talking smack to another woman. That is basically verbal and emotional cheating in my book. If he ever physically cheated  he would be out of the house. I still do not trust him 100% due to all of that drama and mess 3 years ago. So yes I do know I would leave him 100% if he physically cheated on me with another woman. It has been hard for me to deal with the emotional and verbal cheating he has done already . I don't think I will ever get over that. So if he ever got physically involved with another women that would be the last draw and he will be out.

There was a time I could have written much of what you just did.  The exception is that the military didn't give two shits. 

Any way, after the online crap happened I should have left then.  But there was a lot of abuse going on and I couldn't bring myself to admit it.  I was weak.

Your situation is different, we all are, and I hope that the two of you are able to come together, if that is what you truly want. 

 That was his rock bottom.  He was lucky to get a honorable discharge.He has grown up a lot since then and we are doing great but I still don't trust him 100%. We are getting along well. He knows he hurt my daughter and I bad and he has been doing everything in his power to make things right. It will take me a long time to trust him 100% but I am trying . If I ever find out he has physically been with another woman  we are done. No if ands or buts because I  given him a chance due to that other drama. We will be married for 10 years this September.

It sounds like the two or you are on the road together, again.  That is wonderful to hear!  I hope you two continue going forward together!!!!

"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." ~ Maya Angelou

queenanne
by Silver Member on May. 6, 2012 at 8:29 PM
3 moms liked this

 you are so wise.

Even really good people make really bad choices at times. If you are in a long term marriage with an otherwise faithful spouse and something goes wonky and infidelity is the result, it doesn't have to mean the end of the marriage.

In those situations, usually the infidelity is a symptom of a bigger problem....not the problem itself.

After 18 years of marriage, we had a lot invested: 3 kids, a dog, a mortgage, great extended family, traditions, happy memories, making it through rough spots, and a deep friendship with each other. Infidelity was not reason to throw it away without giving it our all to repair the damage.

We started out by committing to one year of counseling to see if we could make it work. We ended up investing 2 full years to marriage counseling and very hard work. The trust starts when both parties let go of blame and take responsibility for their part in creating vulnerability within the relationship. Then, it builds slowly with each little action.

We will celebrate our 28th anniversary in August. We are closer than ever. We are best friends. Our kids were able to grow up with an intact family. The trust in each other is absolute.

It was totally worth the pain, anguish and heartache.

 

Quoting Woodbabe:

I think it depends on the situation. A moment of weakness is different from someone pursuing a relationship on the side. For some, the marriage is not something so throw away, but to work on. The man cheating could be seen as a red flag that the relationship is in trouble, and instead of kicking a good man out, he could be worth working through the situation. Many marriages are stronger for it and end up lasting a long time. Life isn't black and white. We're all human and we all make mistakes. Its how you look at and deal with the mistake that matters in the relationship.

 

lizmarie1975
by Gold Member on May. 6, 2012 at 8:30 PM
1 mom liked this

For myself...if my husband ever cheated on me, our marriage would be over. I would never trust him again. He knows this.

However, that is for me and my marriage. What someone else chooses is none of my business.

Taurus_Girl78
by on May. 6, 2012 at 8:30 PM

 

Quoting FromAtoZ:


Quoting Taurus_Girl78:

 

Quoting FromAtoZ:


Quoting Taurus_Girl78:

 

Quoting Mommy_of_Riley:

You say you'd leave but you just don't know until you're in that situation...

My husband has never cheated and I used to say "you cheat on me I'd kill the girl and then you". Ha!
But then a close friend and her husband had some issues. Cheating was involved. They got through it and have a stronger marriage now.

 Oh I know I would leave 100% if  he cheated on me. He has come close before by talking to another woman on the phone and getting into trouble in the navy when he was in over a woman. He basically told a woman he had no wife or child. He also told the woman she had a nice butt and nice lips. They reported him and he got busted in rank  and got out for high year tenure. He basically through out his career of 12 years in the navy for talking smack to another woman. That is basically verbal and emotional cheating in my book. If he ever physically cheated  he would be out of the house. I still do not trust him 100% due to all of that drama and mess 3 years ago. So yes I do know I would leave him 100% if he physically cheated on me with another woman. It has been hard for me to deal with the emotional and verbal cheating he has done already . I don't think I will ever get over that. So if he ever got physically involved with another women that would be the last draw and he will be out.

There was a time I could have written much of what you just did.  The exception is that the military didn't give two shits. 

Any way, after the online crap happened I should have left then.  But there was a lot of abuse going on and I couldn't bring myself to admit it.  I was weak.

Your situation is different, we all are, and I hope that the two of you are able to come together, if that is what you truly want. 

 That was his rock bottom.  He was lucky to get a honorable discharge.He has grown up a lot since then and we are doing great but I still don't trust him 100%. We are getting along well. He knows he hurt my daughter and I bad and he has been doing everything in his power to make things right. It will take me a long time to trust him 100% but I am trying . If I ever find out he has physically been with another woman  we are done. No if ands or buts because I  given him a chance due to that other drama. We will be married for 10 years this September.

It sounds like the two or you are on the road together, again.  That is wonderful to hear!  I hope you two continue going forward together!!!!

 Thanks :>) I hope so. I just hope he isn't playing a game and making me look  like a fool. Sometimes it is hard to tell with him. I guess we shall see..

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