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What does a mother say to her 38 yr old daughter who just got dumped by her slug boyfriend after 8 yrs?

Posted by on May. 7, 2012 at 12:37 AM
  • 20 Replies

Shortly after my daughter started dating this guy, then eventually let him move in with her.  Her sister and I asked her why his first wife divorced him.  She said it was because he didn't want children.  Well, my daughter was already divorced herself after only two years of marriage and 30 yrs old.  We asked her why she would get serious about a guy who said he didn't want to get remarried or have children.  After all, she always wanted kids.  He kept stringing her along.  Then two years ago, she kicked him out and broke up with him.  After about 6 months they started dating again, but at least she didn't let him move back in.

My other daughter and I have told her time and time again over the years that she was wasting her life waiting for him to marry her.  He wouldn't come to any of our family events.  He kept getting fired from job after job as an IT because he would get caught playing computer games at work.  So most of the time she supported him until she kicked him out, then he had to get a job as a night time IT when no one would know if he was playing games.  Then he finally took the Chicago police academy exam and passed.  But supposedly his name hasn't come up yet to be admitted.  But once again, he strung her along, saying they would get married when he could support her properly as a city cop.

Well, surprise, surprise, he abruptly dumped her Thursday night...no warning, nothing.  She won't talk to her sister nor I about it.  Other than saying "I'm so sorry this bastard hurt you", I just don't know what to say.  It is so hard not jumping all over her and saying "I told you this would happen".  Her sister, however, can get away with reminding her that we all tried to tell her what a slime ball he is, but she just wouldn't listen.  So ladies, do you have any suggestions?shrugging

grandma B

by on May. 7, 2012 at 12:37 AM
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Replies (1-10):
KittenKrump
by on May. 7, 2012 at 12:42 AM

My mother pulls that bull all the time, although she doesn't go for long term relationships. I can't give you any advice other than to say stay out of it because if you don't and she gets back together with him, it will drive a wedge between you guys.

Euphoric
by Bazinga! on May. 7, 2012 at 12:45 AM

 Oh what a loser, sorry this happened. My best advice is to be patient, she will talk to you when she's ready.

turtle68
by Mahinaarangi on May. 7, 2012 at 12:49 AM
1 mom liked this

 IMO you have to let the relationship deal ride....dont interfere and just be supportive of her decisions here on in.  If she says hes a rat just nod and let her do the talking

pointing the finger wont get you anywhere.  Kids have to make their own decisions regarding their mate of choice you have to tolerate it (unless of course they live under your roof)

I feel for your daughter her time for kids may have gone past :-(

sherry132
by Silver Member on May. 7, 2012 at 12:55 AM
3 moms liked this

A mother doesn't say anything to her 38 year old daughter. At some point and time you have to realize that she is an adult, and she deserves everything she settles for. 

When I dumped my ex after 14 years of wasted time, my dad told me I had always deserved better. I looked my dad right in the eye and told him that all I deserved was what I settled for, if I'd held myself to a higher standard, I wouldn't have wound up with such a loser to begin with. At that point my dad told me that he believed I had finally grown up. 

You just have to let her fall face first so she learns. 

maidjillian
by Member on May. 7, 2012 at 1:49 AM

Just say you're sorry and you love her.  That's all she wants to hear right now.

Chelsey191
by Member on May. 7, 2012 at 1:59 AM

Invite her over for a girls night and have some fun. My mother would never tell me I told you so because she knows that I know that she told me so. lol. She also knows that its best to just support me, a lot of times I dont want to talk to her about it either and she never pushes to know. Unfortunately its one of those things that you have to let her figure out on her own. Just give her love and she will come around.

LindaClement
by Thatwoman on May. 7, 2012 at 2:12 AM
3 moms liked this

I think your daughter is reacting in the typically-teenage 'ain't gonna do it because my mom's leaning on me about it,' way.

You really, really need to stop criticizing your daughter and her choices, and learn to trust that she'll learn what she needs to learn, to do what she needs to do, to succeed in life on her terms. 38 is a bit late for this.

Wife2AGeek
by on May. 7, 2012 at 3:06 AM


Quoting LindaClement:

I think your daughter is reacting in the typically-teenage 'ain't gonna do it because my mom's leaning on me about it,' way.

You really, really need to stop criticizing your daughter and her choices, and learn to trust that she'll learn what she needs to learn, to do what she needs to do, to succeed in life on her terms. 38 is a bit late for this.

That's what I got out of this too.  There seems to be a very unhealthy dynamic to this Mother / daughter relationship.   The daughter needs to gain some self respect and erect some boundaries, pronto.

rfurlongg
by on May. 7, 2012 at 7:54 AM
Just love her and comfort her. I suspect she is painfully aware of her mistake, she doesn't need to be reminded. Help her find her strength and let her know you love her regardless.
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candlegal
by Judy on May. 7, 2012 at 8:01 AM

Just listen when she is ready to talk


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