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How to Live Unhappily Ever After

Posted by on May. 7, 2012 at 1:57 PM
  • 18 Replies

"I just want to be happy."

I can't think of another phrase capable of causing more misery and permanent unhappiness. With the possible exception of, "Honey, I'm in love with your youngest sister."

Yet at first glance, it seems so guileless. Children just want to be happy. So do puppies. Happy seems like a healthy, normal desire. Like wanting to breathe fresh air or shop only at Whole Foods.

But "I just want to be happy" is a hole cut out of the floor and covered with a rug. Because once you say it, the implication is that you're not. The "I just want to be happy" bear trap is that until you define precisely, just exactly what "happy" is, you will never feel it. Whatever being happy means to you, it needs to be specific and also possible. When you have a blueprint for what happiness is, lay it over your life and see what you need to change so the images are more aligned.

Still, this recipe of defining happiness and fiddling with your life to get it will work for some people—but not for others. I am one of the others. I am not a happy person. There are things that do make me experience joy. But joy is a fleeting emotion, like a very long sneeze. A lot of the time what I feel is, interested. Or I feel melancholy. And I also frequently feel tenderness, annoyance, confusion, fear, hopelessness. It doesn't all add up to anything I would call happiness. But what I'm thinking is, is that so terrible?

I know a physicist who loves his work. People mistake his constant focus and thought with unhappiness. But he's not unhappy. He's busy. I bet when he dies, there will be a book on his chest. Happiness is a treadmill of a goal for people who are not happy by nature. Being an unhappy person does not mean you must be sad or dark. You can be interested, instead of happy. You can be fascinated instead of happy.

The barrier to this, of course, is that in our super-positive society, we have an unspoken zero-tolerance policy for negativity. Beneath the catchall umbrella of negativity is basically everything that isn't super-positive. Seriously, who among us is having a "Great!" day every day? Who feels "Terrific, thanks!" all the time?

Anger and negativity have their uses, too. Instead of trying to alleviate some of the uncomfortable and unpleasant emotions you feel by "trying to be positive," try being negative instead. Seriously, try it sometime. This will help you get in touch with how you actually feel: "I feel hopeless and fat and stupid. And like a failure for feeling this way. And trying to be positive and upbeat makes me feel angry and feeling angry makes me feel like I am broken."

If that's how you feel—however you feel—then you have a base line, you have established a real solid floor of reference. Sometimes just giving yourself permission to feel any emotion without judgment or censorship can lessen the intensity of those negative emotions. Almost like you're letting them out into the backyard to run around and get rid of some of that energy.

A corollary to the idea that we must all be happy and positive all the time is that we must all be "healed." When I was 32, somebody I loved died on a plastic-covered twin mattress at a Manhattan hospital. His death was not unexpected and I had prepared myself years in advance, as though studying for a degree. When he died, I was as stunned as if he had been killed by a grand piano falling from the top of a building. I was fully unprepared.

I did not know what to do with my physical self. It took me about a year to stop thinking, madly, I might somehow meet him in my sleep. Once I finally believed he was gone, I began the next stage: waiting. Waiting to heal. This lasted several years.

The truth about healing is that heal is a television word. Someone close to you dies? You will never heal. What will happen is, for the first few days, the people around you will touch your shoulder and this will startle you and remind you to breathe. You will feel as though you will soon be dead from natural causes; the weight of the grief will be physical and very nearly unbearable.

Eventually, you will shower and leave the house. Maybe in a year you will see a movie. And one day somebody will say something and it will cause you to laugh. And you will clamp your hand over your mouth because you laughed and that laugh will break your heart, it will feel like a betrayal. How can you laugh?

In time, to your friends, you will appear to have recovered from your loss. All that really happened, you'll think, is that the hole in the center of your life has narrowed just enough to be concealed by a laugh. And yet, you might feel a pressure for it to be true. You might feel that "enough" time has passed now, that the hole at the center of you should not be there at all.

But holes are interesting things. 

Continued

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304746604577379891905861390.html?mod=googlenews_wsj


Do you know what happiness means for you?





Fear of serious injury alone cannot justify oppression of free speech and assembly. Men feared witches and burnt women. It is the function of speech to free men from the bondage of irrational fears.
Louis D. Brandeis
by on May. 7, 2012 at 1:57 PM
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Replies (1-10):
eema.gray
by on May. 7, 2012 at 2:01 PM

"Happy" is a temporary emtion.  "Content is a consistant frame of mind.  I'll take the later over the former, thank you very much.  Thought provoking article.  :-)

thecoffeefairy
by Bronze Member on May. 7, 2012 at 2:01 PM
1 mom liked this
People chose to be happy. I wake up every day thinking of the good things my life has to offer and appreciate them. I focus on them more than the negative things. That is happiness . A simple, yet meaningful, daily choice.
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stormcris
by Christy on May. 7, 2012 at 2:23 PM

I have always thought that being content was being happy. :)

Quoting eema.gray:

"Happy" is a temporary emtion.  "Content is a consistant frame of mind.  I'll take the later over the former, thank you very much.  Thought provoking article.  :-)


Fear of serious injury alone cannot justify oppression of free speech and assembly. Men feared witches and burnt women. It is the function of speech to free men from the bondage of irrational fears.
Louis D. Brandeis
Veni.Vidi.Vici.
by on May. 7, 2012 at 2:31 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with Eema. I find happiness to be a fleeting emotion. I am often content. I do know what happiness is and I'm thankful for that.

eema.gray
by on May. 7, 2012 at 2:31 PM

I heard a speaker once who said they were two different things, defining them as temporary emotion from. . . . basically, he said a deliberate choice.  I don't know if I completely agree but it made an impression on me and I remind myself of it when I'm furious with my husband, LOL.  Just because I'm unhappy with him this minute does not mean I'm discontent with our relationship.

Quoting stormcris:

I have always thought that being content was being happy. :)

Quoting eema.gray:

"Happy" is a temporary emtion.  "Content is a consistant frame of mind.  I'll take the later over the former, thank you very much.  Thought provoking article.  :-)



Write in Jon Huntsman for President

"People no longer trust that their government is working for them. They see the revolving door between Capitol Hill and K Street, the influence-peddling, the backroom deals, and the crony capitalism. 

http://jon2012.com/issues


stormcris
by Christy on May. 7, 2012 at 2:42 PM

I can see how that realization though could make a good impression. I mean it would go far in our society for people to understand you can be unhappy with a person or situation and it only be temporary. 

Quoting eema.gray:

I heard a speaker once who said they were two different things, defining them as temporary emotion from. . . . basically, he said a deliberate choice.  I don't know if I completely agree but it made an impression on me and I remind myself of it when I'm furious with my husband, LOL.  Just because I'm unhappy with him this minute does not mean I'm discontent with our relationship.

Quoting stormcris:

I have always thought that being content was being happy. :)

Quoting eema.gray:

"Happy" is a temporary emtion.  "Content is a consistant frame of mind.  I'll take the later over the former, thank you very much.  Thought provoking article.  :-)




Fear of serious injury alone cannot justify oppression of free speech and assembly. Men feared witches and burnt women. It is the function of speech to free men from the bondage of irrational fears.
Louis D. Brandeis
stormcris
by Christy on May. 7, 2012 at 2:42 PM

Perhaps that is much of the problem then that happiness is held as something other that is more akin to a euphoric state of being. I like that euphoric state but being there at all times can make for reckless behavior or a general disregard for reality of those around you. Interesting though it could explain why we have so much drug use.

kailu1835
by Ruby Member on May. 7, 2012 at 2:44 PM

 You can't chase happiness... you'll never catch it.  You can choose to be happy in the  moment, and that's the secret to finding happiness.

eema.gray
by on May. 7, 2012 at 2:44 PM
1 mom liked this

I think it would be kind of like a bi polar high all the time.  :-(  My sister has bi polar depression and I would NOT want to be on that sort of a "high" all the time.  

Quoting stormcris:

Perhaps that is much of the problem then that happiness is held as something other that is more akin to a euphoric state of being. I like that euphoric state but being there at all times can make for reckless behavior or a general disregard for reality of those around you. Interesting though it could explain why we have so much drug use.


Write in Jon Huntsman for President

"People no longer trust that their government is working for them. They see the revolving door between Capitol Hill and K Street, the influence-peddling, the backroom deals, and the crony capitalism. 

http://jon2012.com/issues


Radarma
by "OneDar" on May. 7, 2012 at 3:11 PM
2 moms liked this

 **really likes this post**

Being able to feel, and sit in what seems to be unhappiness, is perfectly OK.

Happiness is never a constant, IMO, that's what makes it feel so good when it comes around.

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