Are single mothers untouchable?

[anxiousschk]

It seems to me that across CM, posts discussing studies or single mothers are taken poorly.  Why?  Are single mothers an untouchable class?  It there something wrong with posting studies that appear to show the problems with single motherhood?  Why can we not be made clearly aware of these problems and struggles so that they can be faced head on and discussion can take place on what to do to change or improve circumstances?  

I just feel that there is a huge backlash anytime anything is said about single mothers other than "they are saints!"  

[anxiousschk]

Did I say it did? 

Quoting Shortiekt:

Just because a woman is a single mom doesn't mean the child is 'unable to grow up with both parents present in their lives.'

Single mother does NOT equal fatherless.

Quoting anxiousschk:

I felt guilty as well.  Quite frankly, I feel for any child who is unable to grow up with both parents present in their lives.  Yes, I also feel for children who aren't able to grow up in a stable, 2 parent household.  

Quoting MicheleJM:

Well speaking for myself I felt guilty whether rightly or wrongly. I never expected my kids would come from a broken home. And there are risk factors or challenges in being a single mom. I said earlier married moms have problems also. I think if you know there are risk factors then be aware. They dont have to be your future but dont pretend they are not there, kwim?

Quoting Shortiekt:

Guilt? Admit challenges?

No one's life is a walk in the park, single or married, but I'm not guilty of anything except living my life the way I choose. Challenges are individual and part of the challenge is getting people to understand that although risk may be linked to single motherhood that's the end factor. 

[Mommyof2n0308]

I dont know where you are trying to go with this, and I do aagree with you. I was 17 and with DDs dad for a year.  Theres a huge story behind it why he is not very involved, in which its not my fault, and its not his fault.  Its the way cards were delt, and we have to accept that.

Im just so tired of close minded people (not talking about you)thinking that everyone has perfect lives. My life was delt to me for a reason, I can go this way or that way, and I chose this way. We are happy, we move forward daily, and we get by, as long as thats happening I dont understand why people feel the need to knit pick every thing I did wrong. Yes, I slept with people without birthcontrol, neither which were random guys, I knew who both of my kids dads were,and they  were 5 years apart.  I chose to choose control of my life and do what I felt was right,and I wouldnt change a thing.

Quoting MicheleJM:

I can count on two or three fingers the number of men who discussed birth control with me before sex. Sorry, four. Out of those four, two pulled out condoms without being asked. Then there were two who stated they hated them. The rest of men I knew never brought up the issue of b/c at all. I think, me included, that before sleeping with.a man that we need to have a discussion. What if b/c fails? Will you take responsibilty for the baby? If not then why wont you use a condom? We dont demand enough from men in the matters of b/c. The men that will hold a discussion are the most reliable imo. If the man doesnt seem reliable then either dont have sex or dont expect him to stick around. I know of course a man can seem wonderful and then bolt when the test is positive. I am thinking its time men need to take responsibilty in b/c and women need to demand it.

Quoting Mommyof2n0308:

Never once did I say a father is not important. I agree whole heartedly that a father is very important. I, myself grew up with out my dad, and my Mom was too busy doing "more important" things, leaving my Grandparents to raise me. I realize having both parents in the home is important, and without both parents statistics say this, and that. HOWEVER in my case, because of my irresponsible actions (and the fathers as well) it didnt happen that way. I myself made the choice that I did not want to be with my sons father, never did I deny him his rights of doing so, he made that decision when he found a new wife, nor did I take them away from my daughters dad, he made that choice. And because they made that choice, I made the choice of doing it on my own, being happy, and accepting that. Im not going to be miserable for my whole life because I made poor choices when I Was younger and ended up being a single mom.

My DD is 8, and our circle of friends, everyone (except me) is married. My kids are the most well behaved, most respectful children in that group.

Its making lemons into lemonade. Even though a father is important,  if that have the audacity to up and leave their own children, then those children are better off.  

Quoting futureshock:

Quoting Mommyof2n0308:

I dont even know where to begin on this subject.

Im a single mom myself, to two. Always have been since the day I found out I was pregnant with DD 9 years ago. I was with her dad for 1 year, he disappeared, 4.5 years later I dated DDs dad, we were not taking things too fast, and we dated for 5 months (never "official") I slept with him for the first time 5 months after we were dating, and thats when I got pregnant.  I then realized I did not want that kind of a man to raise my neither of my kids. He ended up being a person I didnt want to spend the rest of my life with. 

I would rather, and I stick by this, be with no one, and raise my kids alone than to be with someone who I am not happy with just in so I can please society.

I am constantly gettinf degraded in real life, and online (not just CM) for being a single mother.  I always hear "Ohhh how do you do it" "Well its because you're a single mom, they just dont get to do things like that" Or a friend I had to break off our friendship was ALWAYS ALWAYS calling me griping about her husband and what an ass he was but she was scared to leave because she refused to be "that single mom"

GUESS WHAT. I am that single Mom, and I dont care what statistics say, I am raising my kids the very best I Can. They dont go without a thing, they dont go without love. When they are 16 years old they will know that I tried my DAMNED hardest, and I made the decision for them, not because I Was being selfish. DD is 8, and can already see the way her dad is.  When he calls every couple of months she skips around the house with her phone away from her ear going "yah, uh huh, maybe, I dont know, sure, yep, okay dad heres Mom"  Never have I spoken ill about him, she just knows. DS is 3 and often talks of his dad he has never ever met but he too will realize it.  Thats what I have to keep telling myself. Who cares what Cafemom, baby center, american baby moms think of me, my kids have a stable home, a stable life, they dont see me fight with their fathers (and I dont!!. I do whats in the best interest of my kids, I live my life to make their life great, to raise them into making better choies that I made. In hopes that DD grows up saying "I dont need a man to be happy, I deserve the best, and unless he gives t hat to me, hestands no chance" And I hope my son learns that no woman has to put up with his crap, I hope I can raise him to open doors, slide out chairs, respect his lady in every which way heneeds to, and to raise a happy family with him being involved, because he knows not just how hard it is for a mom to be a single mom, but because he wants to be more than what his dad ever was.

For the longest time it was so hard looking at families giggling and laughing and the kids playing with their dad. It no longer bothers me,  just because we dont have an adult male around does not mean we are any less happier than "that family".

I would rather, and I stick by this, be with no one, and raise my kids
alone than to be with someone who I am not happy with just in so I can
please society.

I don't see how this would please "society." Perhaps "society" would have been more pleased if you had waited to have children until you found a man who did make you happy and who would have been a wonderful father.

In hopes that DD grows up saying "I dont need a man to be happy, I deserve the best, and unless he gives t hat to me, hestands no chance"

That's great, but a man isn't just for the woman, he is also for the children.  Decent, loving fathers are an enormous benefit to children, in general. 

For the longest time it was so hard looking
at families giggling and laughing and the kids playing with their dad.
It no longer bothers me,  just because we dont have an adult male around does not mean we are any less happier than "that family".

How would you know, though, if you never experienced it and your children never did, either?

Fathers are extremely important, in general.

http://www.fathers.com/content/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=391

Children growing up in father-absent households are at a greater risk for experiencing a variety of behavioral and educational problems; impaired academic achievement, school misbehavior, absenteeism, dropping out, smoking, drinking, early and frequent sexual experience, and more extreme cases include drugs, suicide, vandalism, violence and criminal acts. (Blankenhorn, Bayme, Bethke)

Please note, having a greater risk DOES NOT EQUAL certainty.  This research is NOT saying every child of a single parent is doomed to experience these negative outcomes.  It is also not saying NO CHILD raised by both parents EVER experiences these negative outcomes.

[Angeleyes_6]

A good mother isn't about whether she is single or married its about whether she is a GOOD mother!