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Is choosing to be a stay at home mom just a bad idea? Is it too risky?

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I am talking about what happens in the case of divorce/break up (or death/disability).  Many women who choose to become stay at home mothers, even if they have a college education and job experience, are going to have a difficult time getting back on their feet financially.  It is one thing to be married to a man with a decent income because in that case a woman may get enough child support plus alimony plus half of everything else to live comfortably, but that depends upon the length of the marriage and other factors, etc.  However, so many women are living UNMARRIED with their children's fathers and some with men who are not related to their children and they will get absolutely NOTHING for themselves once that relationship ends. 

Is it just too risky?

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 12:33 PM
Replies (31-40):
Veni.Vidi.Vici.
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 12:59 PM
7 moms liked this


Quoting futureshock:


Quoting Veni.Vidi.Vici.:


Quoting lga1965:

 Yes, its risky. Good post! Good questions.

I worry about young moms who think they will always be married to the father of their children and never plan for a future that might happen. What will they do if the guy leaves? They will be lost and alone and have no skills to go out and get a good ,well paying job. Its scary. Its especially risky nowdays when the divorce rate seems to be increasing. Its even riskier for a single Mom who never intended to marry the guy.

Oh good grief!

Her post was spot on.

As if I ever considered that your opinions might be the norm. haha

Sometimes really crappy things disrupt our lives and make us very uncomfortable. Sometimes children are involved. There will always be whiners, procrastinators and attention seekers. There will also be those who move on without looking back while gaining momentum.

Most marriages/relationships are interdependent. There isn't anything wrong with relying on your partner but knowing that you are capable of standing on your own two feet if you had to. Just because a SAHM get's divorced doesn't mean she's screwed financially.

If women rely on their partners without having any real means of supporting themselves and that partner leaves, well her life might get pretty damned hard for a while. And? The world keeps spinning.

paganbaby
by Teflon Don on Oct. 8, 2012 at 12:59 PM


Quoting Veni.Vidi.Vici.:


Quoting MyJaidonreturns:

It is very risky. I worry about my escape plan a lot, even though my marriage is going well. For now, I will just see this as my way of preparing for my next move and continue to work on my degree.

In my escape fantasy I am the only one leaving, laughing the whole way there. lol

Me too!!!! Ha ha ha

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paganbaby
by Teflon Don on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:03 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting futureshock:


Quoting paganbaby:


Quoting futureshock:


Quoting paganbaby:

I agree that it's risky.

Me and dh have been discussing ways for me to work, but there's just no way for me to homeschool him and work at the same time. One would have to give. And dh is incapable of teaching him. I love him, but that man has no patience and is a terrible teacher,lol.

Do you have to homeschool?

Unfortunately, yes. My oldest dd isn't a problem. She's homeschooled through a charter school and does all of her work independently. And my youngest is thriving in public school (Thank God/dess!)

My son on the other hand cannot handle a school setting. He needs a lot of redirection, a VERY flexable teaching enviroment (sometimes he just needs to take a break and do jumping jacks) and most importantly he needs a teacher to sit with him the entire time and explain each and every problem if need be. He gets easily overwhelmed and will shut down or lash out if he feels out of his depth.

I don't know of any school that can offer him that. But if there was, I'd jump at the chance!

Does he have a learning disability?

We don't think so. I'm not really sure what's up with him. We've had diagnoses from Bipolar, to adhd, to possibly being on the spectrum. All I know is that he's made leaps and bounds academically and socially since we've began HS him.

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MyJaidonreturns
by Bronze Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:04 PM
Dont get me wrong, he loves the kids. He helps out in the home a lot, when hes here. Hes always gone for training and deployments though.


Quoting futureshock:


Quoting MyJaidonreturns:

Mine too!!! While the husband and the kids look at each other like strangers in their own home.





Quoting Veni.Vidi.Vici.:


Quoting MyJaidonreturns:

It is very risky. I worry about my escape plan a lot, even though my marriage is going well. For now, I will just see this as my way of preparing for my next move and continue to work on my degree.

In my escape fantasy I am the only one leaving, laughing the whole way there. lol



Why isn't he close with the kids? 


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katzmeow726
by Platinum Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:05 PM
2 moms liked this

LOL I hope this doesn't make me sound like a paranoid person:

Plan A- Finish getting my degree (currently in progress).  Speech Pathology and Audiology.  Will have to go to grad school as well. Assuming all stays peachy keen, I will do contract work with the degree, while home schooling the twins.

B- Something happens before getting my degree.
   Move in with my parents.  They are totally supportive, and do school full time.  I will not have to work a full time job, just contribute around the house.  As much as it would drive me crazy to move back in, they are absolute blessings for giving such an offer.  Finish degree, work full time.  Pay them to watch the twins during the day if I can not get enough money contract wise.  I will home educate in the evenings and afternoons.  We will be homeschooling, no matter what dangit!  

C- If I am unable to move in with them, apply for a full time job at church.  Fortunately I already am well known for my volunteer work there, and the only thing preventing me from working there, is the fact that we can not afford child care. It's just plain crazy in our city.  I'll probably switch my major back to education if I am not close to being done, and do teaching.  

D-if the job at church is not working out, do what I can to get work where I can.  Enroll children in local montessori school that a friend of mine runs, and I can get tuition assistance for (the school provides it for needy families, and I have a friend who owns one of the branches).  Finish degree, which ever is closer to being done, and get a job in the degree field or anywhere I can.

E- Move in with MIL.  It would be a tight situation, because it's a smaller house.  Work and do school, and have parents baby sit (assuming they are retiring as plan) or enroll in montessori with financial aid.  The only reason we don't currently qualify is because DH and I are married, by the way.

F-  If not that, I have some friends and family that may be willing to allow me to live with them, job and education plans vary (too many sub plans to list).

G-Assuming it is divorce (very unlikely) Dh is the kind of person who would move in with his mother, and pay for the kids and I to have a decent place to live....and his mom would not hear of us living in hardship.  She would make sure he took care of us...paying more than the child support required.  I could work part time, and do school, with the support from him.

H-  Assuming DH died (heaven forbid) we do have a decent life insurance plan that would cover the funeral, and give me some to help me through the initial months.  Plus (taking in to consideration my parent's current situation) I could move in with my parents.

In a worst case, if all else fails, work what I can, live what I can, and go in to the military until I am too old to do so.  

 

Quoting paganbaby:

I'm curious, what plans do you have set up?

Quoting katzmeow726:

Maybe...but I also have plans set up in case anything should happen.

But right now, the benefits of home educating my children, and doing small jobs from home, outweigh the remote risks of being a SAHM 



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Cymbeline
by Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:05 PM
1 mom liked this

It is incredibly risky.

It took me quite a while to be employed after staying at home for a while, because of the gap in my work history. I ended up under employed for a bit because of it.

Thankfully, I had all of that sorted before my divorce, and was able to leave without struggling. In fact, I'm doing better financially on one income, than we did on two, because I manage money well. He, on the other hand, was irresponsible and seemed to be adept at acquiring unecessary debt.

I strongly encourage SAHMs to, at the very least, work part time. This will make you less likely to struggle to find work when the time comes, and you're less likely to be under employed.

Sisteract
by Whoopie on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:06 PM
1 mom liked this

Hilarious.

In our house, one of us is always yelling "Half" as we chop one hand into the palm of the other. It's a joke...

Quoting Veni.Vidi.Vici.:


Quoting MyJaidonreturns:

It is very risky. I worry about my escape plan a lot, even though my marriage is going well. For now, I will just see this as my way of preparing for my next move and continue to work on my degree.

In my escape fantasy I am the only one leaving, laughing the whole way there. lol


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Leading with hate and intolerance only leads to MORE hate and intolerance.
GLWerth
by Gina on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:08 PM
5 moms liked this

There is very little in life that doesn't carry risk.

I went into this with my eyes wide open and, while there are risks, there are also benefits to staying home with my kids.

So, in your opinion, OP, should women never stay home because of the chance that there might be an issue down the road? I'm curious as to what brought this up.

AlekD
by Gold Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:10 PM
6 moms liked this
Its risky not to, as well. Lets just say I've seen the village and I don't want it raising my kids.

This is a perfect example of why strong marriages are so important. People in this thread have said that it would be presumptuous to imply that just not getting divorced is the best answer, but that's inescapable. These days, for a lot of people, marriage isn't much more than a social contract that allows one easy access to another persons body and friendly companionship. If people realized that marriage is SO MUCH MORE important than that, especially when children are involved, perhaps they wouldn't enter into marriage so quickly and thoughtlessly and this problem would diminish.
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GLWerth
by Gina on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:12 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Veni.Vidi.Vici.:


Quoting MyJaidonreturns:

It is very risky. I worry about my escape plan a lot, even though my marriage is going well. For now, I will just see this as my way of preparing for my next move and continue to work on my degree.

In my escape fantasy I am the only one leaving, laughing the whole way there. lol

I have those days....though I usually want DH to come with me. We have such fun together!

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