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Is choosing to be a stay at home mom just a bad idea? Is it too risky?

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I am talking about what happens in the case of divorce/break up (or death/disability).  Many women who choose to become stay at home mothers, even if they have a college education and job experience, are going to have a difficult time getting back on their feet financially.  It is one thing to be married to a man with a decent income because in that case a woman may get enough child support plus alimony plus half of everything else to live comfortably, but that depends upon the length of the marriage and other factors, etc.  However, so many women are living UNMARRIED with their children's fathers and some with men who are not related to their children and they will get absolutely NOTHING for themselves once that relationship ends. 

Is it just too risky?

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 12:33 PM
Replies (331-340):
avesmom06
by on Oct. 11, 2012 at 2:17 AM

I agree, thats why I am not working for me why pay 500 a month to pay someone else to take care of your kids, if you can stay home why not do it? we had our daughter in daycare for about a year for 2 days a week and it just got to be way to expensive so we had to take her out, and i have been looking for something part time, but still for our situation it wouldnt be worth it, if i made 10 an hour i would just be working to pay for someone to watch my daughter when I can stay home and do it for free. Your right when she gets to be in kindergarden I am going to do part time work.

Quoting Venae:

So pay others to raise your kids and spend about 4 hours a day w/them in case your husband leaves you?  Get your degree, have your kids, TAKE CARE OF THEM YOURSELF and go back to work at least part time when they are all in school.

I know what you're saying - I was a stay-home mom, got married at 20 so no college for me - and am now unable to make a decent living.  Thank God for the alimony!  My daughter will graduate from college in the spring - she will have that degree "just in case" - not "just in case" she gets left, but your husband could always get hit by a bus.  You should also plan for that "just in case" situation.


Its.me.Sam.
by Silver Member on Oct. 11, 2012 at 2:26 AM

Tea4Tas - girrllllll you are so right in so many ways.  teens are ... well... i dont need ot tell you lol.  i know that my choice to be a SAHM when my son was born was more benefical to my TEEN daughter than it was to him.  I am happy to have been here for him in his early years but i saw how necessary it was for me to be here for HER.  AND i would go as far as to say that if i had to choose between being a SAHM to a child as an infant/toddler OR as a teen..i would pick teen all the way... they need it more.  being absent 9 hours a day in your toddlers life has much less consequence than being absent 9 hours a day in your teens life IMO.  
 

Quoting Radarma:

 Unless the bond is made in the formative years, you don't stand a chance in hell in the later years, but you can disagree all you want. Have at it.

:)

Quoting Tea4Tas:


Quoting Radarma:

 

Quoting futureshock:

If the women will be living in poverty after divorce/break up, so will the children.  So while being a stay at home mom is good for kids while it lasts, is it really worth those years when the rest of their childhoods may be spent living in poverty?

 You raise good questions; I think the benefit does outweigh the risk; to a certain extent. I believe in the value of there being a parent person physically present during a child's formative years. If the children are older and beyond this developmental stage, the balance between benefit/risk begins to shift.

Oh I totally disagree-and competent person  can change a diaper and hold a baby. The things we teach young kids are simple-share-play nice-say please and thank you. It's later on, in the teen years when things like alcohol, cigarettes, sex and drugs come into play _THEN it is vital to have a parent nearby-and to be in a safe environment with a high quality school system that has a very high graduation rate.  The grad rate at my kids high school is 95%. Move into the nearby city and it's 47%.   When my teen wants to know if a blow job is considered sex-I want to be there to answer.  THAT is more important than a few wet diapers being changed by someone else.  4 year olds don't have difficult issues-they don't have a best friend who is gay-and don't know how to react to it. They don't have a friend who got into drugs-and should that friend be supported and helped, or dumped because of her increasingly out of control lifestyle?

TEENS need their parents a lot more than a 4 year old needs a specfic parent-any loving nuturing adult can watch a 4 year old-it takes a parent for a teenager (trust me- I have had 3 so far)

 


smurfbitebug
by on Oct. 11, 2012 at 2:28 AM
I'm a SAHM and hell yes, it's risky. Not something a women with small cahones should do.. I have plans for school and a career, but I know that if things go south before that is accomplished I will be working my effing ass off. And that, I know I can do. I know I would not stay in a volatile or unfaithful relationship just because I am afraid of working hard. If I didn't know I could do it, I wouldn't be a SAHM right now.
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DandJsGrandma
by Member on Oct. 11, 2012 at 3:05 AM
I was an Accountant in corporate America for 10 years and married for 5 when I had my daughter. I cried so much when I had to go back to work. All I could think about is wanting to be home with her and involved in her life. When she was just about to start kindergarten my company closed down and I was laid off. Yay now I could be a part of her life! I had the America Dream, a house 4 blocks from the ocean, my daughter in a wonderful private school that she loved and excelled in, and I was room parent, chaperone on field trips, and much more. We had enough income but my then husband wanted more income. He became very indifferent to me and our daughter. He was a fireman (Capt) making good money. Long story short he left me for my daughters best friend's mother who lived on the hill in a more expensive bigger house. To him, it was always about the material things. We were divorced when my daughter was 12. Two families broke up. 3 kids in 2 families went through the hell of the divorce. Basically the rug was pulled out from under mine and my daughter's life.
Had to sell the house as I couldn't buy him out of his portion. I just want to warn some of the young ladies out there, the courts no longer make husbands support you indefinitely or even for more than a year, even if you were married for 17+ yrs like we were! My daughter and I had to move to an apt., she had to switch from her private school to public, I had to go back to work which proved very.difficult at the time because I had been out of the corporate world for 10 yrs and everything had changed with the computers and software programs were always changing.

Knowing what I know now and what I went through and how I struggled . . . I would have not stayed home. Maybe worked parttime but I wish I could have stood on my own two feet and not put myself in the vulnerable position of not being able to. For my sake and that of my daughter's.
You never know what life is going to throw your way. Be prepared!
acroley84
by on Oct. 11, 2012 at 4:12 AM
As a SAHM I will share my opinion...being a SAHM is way too risky if you are unmarried...yikes...not that a ring makes a man stay. I am on marriage number 2. I worked (sometimes more than 1 job) in marriage number 1 and we had no kids

I have contingency plans if my dh loses his mind and he leaves or if he does something crazy and I have to leave. I even have contigency plans for my contigency plans which do involve worse case scenarios which include being underemployed for a while. I also have a plan in case of his death which is something we have discussed at length.

The last thing I have to say? If you believe it is a real possibility your dh will leave not take care of his kids then maybe you need to ask yourself why you are still in such a troubled marriage? Just a thought.
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Prdmom67
by on Oct. 11, 2012 at 6:51 AM
It happened to me; I was a stay at home mom and one day my ex husband decided to not come home from work. He left everything including 2 baby boys; one in which was 9 monyhs old and still nursing. My other son was 2 years old. I can't financially make it on my own since i had to start my career over. I got my MBA online but I am a teller at a bank with school loans to pay. He lost his mortdage company so no longer makes what he did and I live with anxiety worrying about the future. It is very risky!!!
mmtosam06
by Bronze Member on Oct. 11, 2012 at 7:05 AM

ok im a single sahm but i also babysit for income plus get child support i get 100 a week for 3 kids 2 are in school one is 16months old and i get child support for my dd

Carmel63
by Bronze Member on Oct. 11, 2012 at 7:07 AM
Quoting NewMama28:

I think this is a pretty good question to ask. But you'd also have to consider... What jobs are actually available for these moms who would otherwise be sahms? There's not a whole lot out there. That's a fact. A full time job at like mcdonalds..... Would that even be worth what they'd have to pay for daycare?? Unless the job would bring in a significant amount of income... I don't think it would be worth it based on the off chance hubby gets laid off. And I think if a mom has the ability to stay home while dad makes the money... Why not? This is coming from a single mom.



There are a lot of high paying jobs available, but they require education and skill. I know hiring managers that have hundreds of jobs they just can't fill. My sister in law is a vice president of a medical testing company that has a thousand jobs they just can't fill. They do require an education in science (chemistry, biology) engineering, or computer science.
terall
by on Oct. 11, 2012 at 7:11 AM

it is risky, I'm a SAHM by choice I have a 3 year old son and another son on the way, tomorrow actually :) I am married to the father of both my children and plan to be for the rest of my life. However shit happens and if he were to die we would be taken care of between social security and life ins, I could continue to stay home with my kids at least til theyre in school and then prob only have to do some thing part time. now if he were to leave me and lets say alimony and child support didnt cut it, I have tons of work experience in many different feilds and I am educated so I would be ok. I dont understand women having babies young and not having a plan B.

terall
by on Oct. 11, 2012 at 7:13 AM
1 mom liked this

thats so terrible, what a SOB ... sounds like your'e doing what you gotta do tho. Bless you hun

Quoting Prdmom67:

It happened to me; I was a stay at home mom and one day my ex husband decided to not come home from work. He left everything including 2 baby boys; one in which was 9 monyhs old and still nursing. My other son was 2 years old. I can't financially make it on my own since i had to start my career over. I got my MBA online but I am a teller at a bank with school loans to pay. He lost his mortdage company so no longer makes what he did and I live with anxiety worrying about the future. It is very risky!!!


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