Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Current Events & Hot Topics Current Events & Hot Topics

Is choosing to be a stay at home mom just a bad idea? Is it too risky?

Posted by   + Show Post

I am talking about what happens in the case of divorce/break up (or death/disability).  Many women who choose to become stay at home mothers, even if they have a college education and job experience, are going to have a difficult time getting back on their feet financially.  It is one thing to be married to a man with a decent income because in that case a woman may get enough child support plus alimony plus half of everything else to live comfortably, but that depends upon the length of the marriage and other factors, etc.  However, so many women are living UNMARRIED with their children's fathers and some with men who are not related to their children and they will get absolutely NOTHING for themselves once that relationship ends. 

Is it just too risky?

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 12:33 PM
Replies (411-420):
Raintree
by Ruby Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 11:53 AM
1 mom liked this

As a child, I had the perfect trifecta of parenting. I had my mom, who worked outside the home- and who I lived with- and I had my grandparents. My grandmother had worked at a bank nearly her entire life, but was retired, and my grandpa had owned a transport firm. Until I was 9 when my grandmother died suddenly at the age of 55.

That's when I started having to walk home by myself from school and to school. I often made dinner for my mom and I. And I hated that feeling. Already an only child- it sucked being that lonely- all the time.

I chose to risk something a little different for my kids. I did work before marriage- I worked for awhile after our third son was born. And now I'm in school again- because after studying music/history ed, I realized that I didn't want to be saddled with other people's children for the pittance that my mom and step-dad come away with every month- they're both teachers. My tuition is free, as our children's will be if we continue on here.

I think your attitude is crap. I don't feel 'saddled' with my kids- I watch the working mum's here and how they're constantly complaining about how much driving they do, and what they have to provide for random school projects- my son came home a couple years ago telling me that he needed a complete WWII era costume for something the next day. I didn't want that kind of busy-ness- and I don't. The point here is that CHOICE is important. You get to choose what works for your family- we get to choose what works for ours. Every choice comes with some level of risk- I might not be comfortable taking the same risk you've taken. And vice versa.

And that's okay. Choice.

Quoting LoriKeet:

I'm perfectly capable of (and did) live quite comfortably on my own BEFORE I met my now husband and had children, and I can even vacuum in pearls!! LOL 

I am not comparing the 1950's housewife to housewives of today!  Today's housewives have/had endless options available to them PRIOR to their becoming SAHMs.  Your choice to forfeit or delay said opportunities in favor of being saddled with kids, no husband/partner or steady child support, is not anyone's fault except your own.




LoriKeet
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 2:37 PM

Once again, I believe you are completely missing MY point!

I too was an only child, and had the unfortunate draw in life to be raised by a "Mommie Dearest," who was also a teacher (now collecting over $53k in pension with full medical for life--not exactly a pittance!), and therefore COULD have been home anytime I was, but chose to find a number of excuses not to be.

However, I was fortunate to have my grandparents living literally next door to me my entire childhood and young adulthood (grandmother passed when I was 18, grandfather when I was 31), and as far as I'm concerned they were my mother and father--for all intents and purposes.

I worked for 10 years post college, and established a lucrative career and bought my own home.  When I decided to settle down, I chose the right man for me, and THEN had children at the age of 33 and 35.  My husband also made the same choices as I, as he became a father for the first time at the age of 39.  Now I've started my 4th year teaching, and will continue to do so until my younger begins college at which point I'll reevaluate what I want to do career-wise, or I'll just retire alongside my husband!

BEFORE we chose to start a family, we agreed that I would be a SAHM until our younger son was in full-day Kindergarten.  It was then that I went back to work as a teacher...for the sole purposes of paying it forward, AND so I would never miss a beat as far as my children were concerned, as being a teacher allows me incredible flexibility as I only work when they're in school, and can put them on the bus (a 10 minute ride for them) and get them off every day..that's because my school is only 4 miles from home and in a separate district than my children attend!

I guess you could say, I chose well and wisely.  If that bothers you, well....you know where you can stuff it!  My attitude stems from the constant crap that is dished to me, and so I choose to dish it right back!  Don't like it?!  I don't care!  

P.S.  Based on what I've read on this site, and what I have personally experienced. I am firmly convinced that moms on here overwhelmingly choose the OPPOSITE of how they were raised--even if it means a life of struggling!  Mothers who were SAHMs end up having daughters who work outside the home full-time and then some.  Mothers who were married, have daughters who choose not to marry or live indefinitely with their boyfriends who may or may not be the father(s) of their chihldren.  Mothers who were single parents, have daughters who marry. 

Regardless of your choices, and whether or not it seems to be working for you, choosing to struggle should not be one of them.

Quoting Raintree:

As a child, I had the perfect trifecta of parenting. I had my mom, who worked outside the home- and who I lived with- and I had my grandparents. My grandmother had worked at a bank nearly her entire life, but was retired, and my grandpa had owned a transport firm. Until I was 9 when my grandmother died suddenly at the age of 55.

That's when I started having to walk home by myself from school and to school. I often made dinner for my mom and I. And I hated that feeling. Already an only child- it sucked being that lonely- all the time.

I chose to risk something a little different for my kids. I did work before marriage- I worked for awhile after our third son was born. And now I'm in school again- because after studying music/history ed, I realized that I didn't want to be saddled with other people's children for the pittance that my mom and step-dad come away with every month- they're both teachers. My tuition is free, as our children's will be if we continue on here.

I think your attitude is crap. I don't feel 'saddled' with my kids- I watch the working mum's here and how they're constantly complaining about how much driving they do, and what they have to provide for random school projects- my son came home a couple years ago telling me that he needed a complete WWII era costume for something the next day. I didn't want that kind of busy-ness- and I don't. The point here is that CHOICE is important. You get to choose what works for your family- we get to choose what works for ours. Every choice comes with some level of risk- I might not be comfortable taking the same risk you've taken. And vice versa.

And that's okay. Choice.

Quoting LoriKeet:

I'm perfectly capable of (and did) live quite comfortably on my own BEFORE I met my now husband and had children, and I can even vacuum in pearls!! LOL 

I am not comparing the 1950's housewife to housewives of today!  Today's housewives have/had endless options available to them PRIOR to their becoming SAHMs.  Your choice to forfeit or delay said opportunities in favor of being saddled with kids, no husband/partner or steady child support, is not anyone's fault except your own.





"It is not our job to protect the people from the consequences of their political choices."

~Chief Justice John Roberts
Sisteract
by Whoopie on Oct. 13, 2012 at 3:26 PM

I love Saturdays.

The high horses get let of the stalls and trotted around the arena.

I did hike by the stables behind my home today [this morning]- some beautiful horses on display. Too bad horses come with such a foul odor and flies- 

Eh, different strokes for different folks- do what works best for you and yours. 

Separation of church and state is for the protection of BOTH church and state.
Leading with hate and intolerance only leads to MORE hate and intolerance.
tmedwick
by New Member on Oct. 14, 2012 at 11:30 PM
Just simply meaning that ur life has to be just as comfortable as it was before the divorce.


Quoting futureshock:


Quoting tmedwick:

I think it depends on which state u live in also cuz where I'm from ive heard if you are married and a stay at home mom and you end up getting a divorce the soon to be ex husband has to pay you as much as he was before, meaning that you are able to have a comfortable living without a job since that was the arrangment you had when u were married. But that could be all wrong, that is just what I've heard.

lmao

What does this mean?

the soon to be ex husband has to pay you as much as he was before,


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
LindaClement
by Thatwoman on Oct. 15, 2012 at 12:10 AM

I'd love to know what kind of magic math makes that happen, one income or two.

No matter what, the total is being spread over 2 households, and that kind of math simply doesn't add up to 'as comfortable as before.'

Quoting tmedwick:

Just simply meaning that ur life has to be just as comfortable as it was before the divorce.


Quoting futureshock:


Quoting tmedwick:

I think it depends on which state u live in also cuz where I'm from ive heard if you are married and a stay at home mom and you end up getting a divorce the soon to be ex husband has to pay you as much as he was before, meaning that you are able to have a comfortable living without a job since that was the arrangment you had when u were married. But that could be all wrong, that is just what I've heard.

lmao

What does this mean?

the soon to be ex husband has to pay you as much as he was before,



SarahsAMommy
by on Oct. 16, 2012 at 9:50 AM

Yes 2 different relationships. And yes we broke up shortly after I found out I was pregnant. He is still around and we are trying to work things out.

Quoting futureshock:


Quoting SarahsAMommy:

I'm divorced and I only get child support. It's enough to cover most my bills. But I worked up until July when I could no longer move around easy do to being pregnant. I'm still staying home and my baby is  10 weeks old. Her father helps me with the bills I can't pay, so we call that his child support since we don't live together. I think it all depends on the relationship and if you trust the guy to man up if you ever ended up not together. With my ex everything ended up in court. This time, that hasn't been needed. Not saying it won't but I'd like to think that it won't since we have an agreement.

Are you talking about two different relationships here, one marriage and one in which you were not married?

Did you break up while pregnant?


mehamil1
by Platinum Member on Oct. 16, 2012 at 9:58 AM
1 mom liked this

I do not plan on getting married which is why I went to college and earned two degrees. I plan on always supporting myself. My mother always told me and my sisters to get educated and be able to support ourselves without the help of a man. The only reason she is still with my father is because she can't afford to live on her own (and I really don't think she wants to). She didn't want us to end up in a dead end situation that we wouldn't be able to get out of. 

3gr8tKids
by Bronze Member on Oct. 16, 2012 at 10:01 AM
Absolutely insane to stay at home with a live in boy friend.. having children and no way to provide for then WHEN not IF the relationship ends.
tmedwick
by New Member on Oct. 23, 2012 at 1:50 PM
Omg like I said before, " that is just what I heard, but that could all be wrong." Learn to read before u try and start a stupid argument on something that I had clearly stated as hearsay. Oh and grow up and get over yourself.


Quoting LindaClement:

I'd love to know what kind of magic math makes that happen, one income or two.

No matter what, the total is being spread over 2 households, and that kind of math simply doesn't add up to 'as comfortable as before.'

Quoting tmedwick:

Just simply meaning that ur life has to be just as comfortable as it was before the divorce.





Quoting futureshock:


Quoting tmedwick:

I think it depends on which state u live in also cuz where I'm from ive heard if you are married and a stay at home mom and you end up getting a divorce the soon to be ex husband has to pay you as much as he was before, meaning that you are able to have a comfortable living without a job since that was the arrangment you had when u were married. But that could be all wrong, that is just what I've heard.

lmao

What does this mean?

the soon to be ex husband has to pay you as much as he was before,





Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Snapdragon88
by Member on Oct. 23, 2012 at 3:55 PM
I'm comfortable with our decision for me to stay home with our boys. I do not feel like it's a risky choice for us.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN