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Is choosing to be a stay at home mom just a bad idea? Is it too risky?

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I am talking about what happens in the case of divorce/break up (or death/disability).  Many women who choose to become stay at home mothers, even if they have a college education and job experience, are going to have a difficult time getting back on their feet financially.  It is one thing to be married to a man with a decent income because in that case a woman may get enough child support plus alimony plus half of everything else to live comfortably, but that depends upon the length of the marriage and other factors, etc.  However, so many women are living UNMARRIED with their children's fathers and some with men who are not related to their children and they will get absolutely NOTHING for themselves once that relationship ends. 

Is it just too risky?

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 12:33 PM
Replies (51-60):
futureshock
by Ruby Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:45 PM


Quoting Cymbeline:


Quoting futureshock:


Quoting Cymbeline:

It is incredibly risky.

It took me quite a while to be employed after staying at home for a while, because of the gap in my work history. I ended up under employed for a bit because of it.

Thankfully, I had all of that sorted before my divorce, and was able to leave without struggling. In fact, I'm doing better financially on one income, than we did on two, because I manage money well. He, on the other hand, was irresponsible and seemed to be adept at acquiring unecessary debt.

I strongly encourage SAHMs to, at the very least, work part time. This will make you less likely to struggle to find work when the time comes, and you're less likely to be under employed.

Thank-you for sharing your real life experience.

You're welcome. Sometimes, sharing personal experience better highlights the risks involved.

I cannot imagine staying at home while simply playing house with the father of my child. The risks involved there are even greater.

Some may find that offensive, but it's the truth.

It is the truth and some women are even playing house with men who are NOT the fathers of their children, which is even riskier in more ways.


GotSomeKids
by Silver Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:49 PM

You make an assumption divorce will happen.  It may not.

That said, if you plan properly, it doesn't have to be as hard.  Divorce is hard regardless.  I know women who work full time jobs, who have difficulty getting through the financial aspects of a divorce.  There are a lot of variables here as well.  How long has mommas been out of work, is she building up her work experience through volunteer work, did she finish her degree.

Sure it is risky, but EVERYTHING is risky.


MamaJess9
by Bronze Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:50 PM
My personal situation is a bit different from most, but my kids and I would be fine. We are married, but even if we weren't, he's the father of both kids, the house is MINE (inherited), the ground he farms (1/2 his income) is also mine, and heI gets aa pension, half of which the kids and I are entitled to. So our financial comfort would change very little if something were to happen.
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GotSomeKids
by Silver Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:54 PM

While it's good to have a plan, I always wonder if people with an "escape" plan are one foot out the door anyway.

Quoting Veni.Vidi.Vici.:


Quoting MyJaidonreturns:

It is very risky. I worry about my escape plan a lot, even though my marriage is going well. For now, I will just see this as my way of preparing for my next move and continue to work on my degree.

In my escape fantasy I am the only one leaving, laughing the whole way there. lol


smalltowngal
by Platinum Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:57 PM

I don't really consider it much of a risk. We both knew we wanted me to stay home with the kids early on in our relationship so we had 13 years of being together, 7 married, before we had our first child. During that time we worked on our retirement plan and making sure that even if he lost his job, we would be able to support ourselves. We both come from families where there really isn't a lot of divorce. My brother got divorced but it was his wife who wanted to. He was the only one who married a child of divorce too. My other two siblings, my aunt, my grandparents, DH's parents, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles stayed married to the same person all their lives or are still married to them. His parents would kick his behind if he went to divorce me. 

I don't really find a need to have a back-up plan in case we get divorced. We've planned for job loss or death and those plans I'm sure wouldn't be a whole lot different than if we split-up. 

Debmomto2girls
by Platinum Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:58 PM
I sah for a few years when my girls were babies. I was in nursing school and have worked part-time since. The benefit of sah and finishing school outweighed the risks
Sisteract
by Whoopie on Oct. 8, 2012 at 1:58 PM

Like I said, I was far more concerned with the possibility of a severe disability- where he might need expensive, life long care, and not so much about divorce.

Quoting GotSomeKids:

While it's good to have a plan, I always wonder if people with an "escape" plan are one foot out the door anyway.

Quoting Veni.Vidi.Vici.:


Quoting MyJaidonreturns:

It is very risky. I worry about my escape plan a lot, even though my marriage is going well. For now, I will just see this as my way of preparing for my next move and continue to work on my degree.

In my escape fantasy I am the only one leaving, laughing the whole way there. lol



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Leading with hate and intolerance only leads to MORE hate and intolerance.
MyJaidonreturns
by Bronze Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:10 PM
Well, if my husband died, or wasnt able to work, I would still need an alternative plan to ensure my family would be fine. The,plan wouldnt be too much different from an "escape" plan. Doesnt really mean a couple is having marital problems. Just like people with fire escape plans for their home arent really anticipating an actual fire.


Quoting GotSomeKids:

While it's good to have a plan, I always wonder if people with an "escape" plan are one foot out the door anyway.

Quoting Veni.Vidi.Vici.:


Quoting MyJaidonreturns:

It is very risky. I worry about my escape plan a lot, even though my marriage is going well. For now, I will just see this as my way of preparing for my next move and continue to work on my degree.

In my escape fantasy I am the only one leaving, laughing the whole way there. lol



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jlo1313
by Silver Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:11 PM
2 moms liked this

 Well, I was married to the father of my children, who made well into the 6 figure mark in his job, stuck with him after 2 affairs, countless lies, physical abuse and 9 years of him begging me to quit my job and I never chose the path of SAHM because I am a realist.  I never knew what was going to happen in our marriage and when my rubber band would break and I would be alone and if he would pay child support.  Plus I never took for granted that the job could be gone, he could die and we would be left alone.  So I guess I think being self sufficient is a good quality, and the plus is my kids have so far survived my not being with them every moment of their childhood. 

I don't bash anyone for their decisions, you make decisions for what is right for you at the time, but you also suffer the consequences of those decisions.  Divorce is a good way to find out the true colors of the person you are with, I knew that going into marriage and I won't forget it if anyone tries to sweep me off my feet again in my life.

Radarma
by "OneDar" on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:15 PM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting futureshock:

If the women will be living in poverty after divorce/break up, so will the children.  So while being a stay at home mom is good for kids while it lasts, is it really worth those years when the rest of their childhoods may be spent living in poverty?

 You raise good questions; I think the benefit does outweigh the risk; to a certain extent. I believe in the value of there being a parent person physically present during a child's formative years. If the children are older and beyond this developmental stage, the balance between benefit/risk begins to shift.

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