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Is choosing to be a stay at home mom just a bad idea? Is it too risky?

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I am talking about what happens in the case of divorce/break up (or death/disability).  Many women who choose to become stay at home mothers, even if they have a college education and job experience, are going to have a difficult time getting back on their feet financially.  It is one thing to be married to a man with a decent income because in that case a woman may get enough child support plus alimony plus half of everything else to live comfortably, but that depends upon the length of the marriage and other factors, etc.  However, so many women are living UNMARRIED with their children's fathers and some with men who are not related to their children and they will get absolutely NOTHING for themselves once that relationship ends. 

Is it just too risky?

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 12:33 PM
Replies (61-70):
Radarma
by "OneDar" on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:16 PM
3 moms liked this

 My escape plan includes a hut, a beach, a sarong and a pseudonym. All alone.

 

GotSomeKids
by Silver Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:17 PM
1 mom liked this

Very true.  And, we've planned for that.  We've actually planned for if either one of us passes away and what we would like each other to do.  But, honestly, that is a little different than what the OP was talking about.  The OP was talking divorce/breakup.

I suppose it also depends on how the individual looks at it.  I've been a SAHM for 10 years.  While, I do things that are my own (I volunteer a lot), what I do also keeps me valid in my degree field.  Not to mention I have finished my schooling as well.  But, I don't do these things because I'm worried about if we divorce (almost 15 years and no plans to do so yet).  I do these things to keep myself relevent in the field and to better myself.  The side effect is being prepared for a bad event in life.  But, I don't do it "just in case".

Quoting MyJaidonreturns:

Well, if my husband died, or wasnt able to work, I would still need an alternative plan to ensure my family would be fine. The,plan wouldnt be too much different from an "escape" plan. Doesnt really mean a couple is having marital problems. Just like people with fire escape plans for their home arent really anticipating an actual fire.


Quoting GotSomeKids:

While it's good to have a plan, I always wonder if people with an "escape" plan are one foot out the door anyway.

Quoting Veni.Vidi.Vici.:


Quoting MyJaidonreturns:

It is very risky. I worry about my escape plan a lot, even though my marriage is going well. For now, I will just see this as my way of preparing for my next move and continue to work on my degree.

In my escape fantasy I am the only one leaving, laughing the whole way there. lol




Sisteract
by Whoopie on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:20 PM

You do realize that true formation, particular brain maturation, does not occur until the 20s, right?

Quoting Radarma:

 

Quoting futureshock:

If the women will be living in poverty after divorce/break up, so will the children.  So while being a stay at home mom is good for kids while it lasts, is it really worth those years when the rest of their childhoods may be spent living in poverty?

 You raise good questions; I think the benefit does outweigh the risk; to a certain extent. I believe in the value of there being a parent person physically present during a child's formative years. If the children are older and beyond this developmental stage, the balance between benefit/risk begins to shift.


Separation of church and state is for the protection of BOTH church and state.
Leading with hate and intolerance only leads to MORE hate and intolerance.
MyJaidonreturns
by Bronze Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:22 PM
1 mom liked this
I see what you are saying. I honestly dont rule out the possibility that me and my husband MAY separate. I dont know what the future holds but right now we are happy and I dont plan on leaving any time soon.


Quoting GotSomeKids:

Very true.  And, we've planned for that.  We've actually planned for if either one of us passes away and what we would like each other to do.  But, honestly, that is a little different than what the OP was talking about.  The OP was talking divorce/breakup.

I suppose it also depends on how the individual looks at it.  I've been a SAHM for 10 years.  While, I do things that are my own (I volunteer a lot), what I do also keeps me valid in my degree field.  Not to mention I have finished my schooling as well.  But, I don't do these things because I'm worried about if we divorce (almost 15 years and no plans to do so yet).  I do these things to keep myself relevent in the field and to better myself.  The side effect is being prepared for a bad event in life.  But, I don't do it "just in case".

Quoting MyJaidonreturns:

Well, if my husband died, or wasnt able to work, I would still need an alternative plan to ensure my family would be fine. The,plan wouldnt be too much different from an "escape" plan. Doesnt really mean a couple is having marital problems. Just like people with fire escape plans for their home arent really anticipating an actual fire.





Quoting GotSomeKids:

While it's good to have a plan, I always wonder if people with an "escape" plan are one foot out the door anyway.

Quoting Veni.Vidi.Vici.:


Quoting MyJaidonreturns:

It is very risky. I worry about my escape plan a lot, even though my marriage is going well. For now, I will just see this as my way of preparing for my next move and continue to work on my degree.

In my escape fantasy I am the only one leaving, laughing the whole way there. lol






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Radarma
by "OneDar" on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:22 PM

 Yes, and in the twenties the "child" should be on their own and no longer dependent on mom's paycheck or lack thereof.

You do realize what I refer to when I say "formative years", right?

 

 

Quoting Sisteract:

You do realize that true formation, particular brain maturation, does not occur until the 20s, right?

Quoting Radarma:

 

Quoting futureshock:

If the women will be living in poverty after divorce/break up, so will the children.  So while being a stay at home mom is good for kids while it lasts, is it really worth those years when the rest of their childhoods may be spent living in poverty?

 You raise good questions; I think the benefit does outweigh the risk; to a certain extent. I believe in the value of there being a parent person physically present during a child's formative years. If the children are older and beyond this developmental stage, the balance between benefit/risk begins to shift.


 

Sisteract
by Whoopie on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:31 PM
1 mom liked this

So brain maturation isn't important and intergal?

Isn't that what teaching, guiding and parenting is leading to and all about? A healthy contributing, mature member of society being the goal?

Beyond developmental stage...brain maturation (development) doesn't end until adulthood. This is one of reasons that many believe kids need an at home parent MORE during the teen years, than at other time (besides the first few months).

DawnPratt23
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:35 PM
For some maybe, but things were fine for me the first time I got divorced and would just be fine if anything ever happened. Some people lack confidence and believe the Nay sayers.
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Stephanie329
by Platinum Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:35 PM
Also a great argument against teen marriages. I was 18 when I married my first husband. We lasted 16 years, but I would never encourage marriage that young - but that's another post I suppose :)

Quoting Sisteract:

You do realize that true formation, particular brain maturation, does not occur until the 20s, right?

Quoting Radarma:

 


Quoting futureshock:


If the women will be living in poverty after divorce/break up, so will the children.  So while being a stay at home mom is good for kids while it lasts, is it really worth those years when the rest of their childhoods may be spent living in poverty?


 You raise good questions; I think the benefit does outweigh the risk; to a certain extent. I believe in the value of there being a parent person physically present during a child's formative years. If the children are older and beyond this developmental stage, the balance between benefit/risk begins to shift.


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misspixie67
by New Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:37 PM
Not just the money part if divorce happens, think of how it will be all kids all the time, I gave up my job 12 yrs ago , my boys were 1 and 3, my youngest has a disability, you lose connections with adults, now that mine are older I'm ready to get out and work, but I've been so sheltered and a hermit I'm terrified :-(
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
radioheid
by Libertarian on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:38 PM
1 mom liked this

 I did this when my son was born, and it ended very badly. "Very badly" as in my son lives with his father, and I spent 3 months in a homeless shelter from late '07 to early '08.

Food for thought, ladies.


"Roger that. Over."

R   A   D    I    O    H    E    I    D

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