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A young girl, her abortion and me..

Posted by on Dec. 8, 2012 at 1:08 PM
  • 131 Replies
4 moms liked this
I'm posting this here because I know that some will get ugly, but some will give advice that can help me. For those who know me, you know that I was the product of a rape, which led to an unfortunately abusive childhood, and the death of my mother at the hands of another. I had one adult, that I met as a teen, who selflessly sacrificed her time and energy to pull me out of a dark place and get my life together. She did every thing she could to ensure I didn't turn out another statistic. Because of this womans patience, encouragement and love, I didn't. She helped me believe in me. She'll always be one of the most important people in my life. Her generosity inspired me to try and reach out as well. I volunteer for a facility who houses kids that grew up in the same manner I did. During my time there I became close with a 17 year old girl, J. She just reminds me so much of me. I see her capability, the good in her, I see her hurt and what it's done. The girl is so intelligent. She dropped out of school at 15 and got her GED two months ago without cracking a book to study. She has so much going for her. Anyway, she turned 18 about six months ago and was sent on her way (you're legally an adult so the shelter won't support you any longer) but we've remained close and in contract. She immediately met a man (he's 40) and they moved in together. He's a real piece of shit. Been to jail, heavy drug use, and recently started abusing her. It kills me. I see her continuing the cycle. At first, she'd get defensive when I tried to point this out to her....all the typical responses. She refused to leave because she had no where to go. I would take her in, I really care about this girl, but I have a daughter to think about. I just can't expose her to this. Anyway, she called me this morning extremely upset....she's pregnant. He doesn't know. She's fearful for her life to tell him. She has no job, no money, nothing. She asked me if I'd take her to get an abortion and if I'd pay for it. I don't have a problem doing this. I don't want her or a potential child to live in that environment. Here comes the advice part....should I do this agreement with strings attached? I've found a few women's shelters that would help her get on her feet, they'd help with job placement and looking for low income housing. I've even found a cheap car I'd buy for her once she established her seriousness in leaving and was away from him for X amount of time. Or should I take her and not say anything? I feel like this is the time where she sees that she's allowing herself to be a victim and that it has to stop. Help!
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by on Dec. 8, 2012 at 1:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Dec. 8, 2012 at 1:14 PM
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Oh my goodness.

First, I have to say..........I adore you. I admire you.  This young woman is blessed to have you in her life.

As for the advice, it's hard to say because I do not know her, her personality and such.

Do you think, if you placed the conditions on this, that she would balk and run away, so to speak?

I can certainly understand why you would want to place such conditions.  It could only help her but she must be willing to help herself as well.

What would I do?  Hmmmmmmmm, I would want to place those conditions.  But again, without really knowing more of her personality and such, I can't say if I would.  If I thought she might run from me and stay with this man, it would make me think twice.  But if there are no conditions, she may stay any way.

Oh my.  Thinking out loud.

I am honestly stuck but my gut, after talking it out, or typing it out, says mention the conditions but do not use that word.  Tread lightly yet firmly.

The very best to you and to this young woman.

ashellbell
by shellbark on Dec. 8, 2012 at 1:23 PM
1 mom liked this
Her personality isn't really defiant or rebellious. She just doesn't realize that she deserves better than this. She had a very traumatic childhood, molested by her father, who then killed the mother and himself after he was caught. She was placed in shelters at 15 and it's not like those places do anything to actually help children. She's the sweetest, caring girl I've ever met. She's not bitter....yet. She's just scared and scarred. I'm really torn on this. Maybe if I tell her that I'll help her either way but I have this idea and take her and let her see the shelter and talk to the women. Maybe it won't feel like an ultimatum that way.


Quoting FromAtoZ:

Oh my goodness.

First, I have to say..........I adore you. I admire you.  This young woman is blessed to have you in her life.

As for the advice, it's hard to say because I do not know her, her personality and such.

Do you think, if you placed the conditions on this, that she would balk and run away, so to speak?

I can certainly understand why you would want to place such conditions.  It could only help her but she must be willing to help herself as well.

What would I do?  Hmmmmmmmm, I would want to place those conditions.  But again, without really knowing more of her personality and such, I can't say if I would.  If I thought she might run from me and stay with this man, it would make me think twice.  But if there are no conditions, she may stay any way.

Oh my.  Thinking out loud.

I am honestly stuck but my gut, after talking it out, or typing it out, says mention the conditions but do not use that word.  Tread lightly yet firmly.

The very best to you and to this young woman.


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mehamil1
by Platinum Member on Dec. 8, 2012 at 1:26 PM
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*boob crushing hug*

What you are doing is exactly what I want to be doing. It's why I went into Women's Studies and Sociology. To take on people who are in those kinds of situations. 

Here's what I would do. I'd say yes (if I had the money to do so) and *recommend* that she leave the guy and do all you suggested. I wouldn't say do this or else, cause she would probably try to get an abortion somewhere else that isn't a safe place. If you do this to her I feel she will feel like she owes you and will do what you want/think she should do. Hopefully. If not, then I don't know. Hope this doesn't happen again. But if you give her a clear way out and she sees it's a clear way out, she just might take it. 

jaxTheMomm
by Platinum Member on Dec. 8, 2012 at 1:28 PM

I wouldn't put any conditions on it, either.  Take her - the last thing you want to do is frighten her away.

I would, however, try to get her to a therapist or counsellor if she won't listen to you.  Perhaps tell her she should really stay at your house for a few days to recover?  Having that "normal" time might help her get her thoughts a little more straight.

ashellbell
by shellbark on Dec. 8, 2012 at 1:32 PM
I think that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to call set up appointments at the women's shelters and let her talk to them and get a grasp of the situation. It might give get strength to listen to other victims and see the support they give each other. I wish I could take her in myself. I've actually considered it but I'd fear for all of our safety if her boyfriend ever found out where I lived. I think I'll just let her know, that I'll help her but I want her to understand her options of what she can do to further prevent his wrath.


Quoting mehamil1:

*boob crushing hug*

What you are doing is exactly what I want to be doing. It's why I went into Women's Studies and Sociology. To take on people who are in those kinds of situations. 

Here's what I would do. I'd say yes (if I had the money to do so) and *recommend* that she leave the guy and do all you suggested. I wouldn't say do this or else, cause she would probably try to get an abortion somewhere else that isn't a safe place. If you do this to her I feel she will feel like she owes you and will do what you want/think she should do. Hopefully. If not, then I don't know. Hope this doesn't happen again. But if you give her a clear way out and she sees it's a clear way out, she just might take it. 


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mehamil1
by Platinum Member on Dec. 8, 2012 at 1:36 PM

The amount of psychological control abusers have on their victims is debilitating. If she's had enough and is given a clear path out, she will go. But that's not a guarantee she won't go back. On average a woman leaves her abuser 8 times before she's gone for good. Chalk that up to psychology and being human. I'm glad you're helping her. Too many people have no one in this world. 

Quoting ashellbell:

I think that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to call set up appointments at the women's shelters and let her talk to them and get a grasp of the situation. It might give get strength to listen to other victims and see the support they give each other. I wish I could take her in myself. I've actually considered it but I'd fear for all of our safety if her boyfriend ever found out where I lived. I think I'll just let her know, that I'll help her but I want her to understand her options of what she can do to further prevent his wrath.
Quoting mehamil1:

*boob crushing hug*

What you are doing is exactly what I want to be doing. It's why I went into Women's Studies and Sociology. To take on people who are in those kinds of situations. 

Here's what I would do. I'd say yes (if I had the money to do so) and *recommend* that she leave the guy and do all you suggested. I wouldn't say do this or else, cause she would probably try to get an abortion somewhere else that isn't a safe place. If you do this to her I feel she will feel like she owes you and will do what you want/think she should do. Hopefully. If not, then I don't know. Hope this doesn't happen again. But if you give her a clear way out and she sees it's a clear way out, she just might take it. 


angela84
by on Dec. 8, 2012 at 1:36 PM

I would probably make sure that she immeadiately gets on birthcontrol following the abortion so it doesn't happen again. Good luck!

ashellbell
by shellbark on Dec. 8, 2012 at 1:37 PM
That's actually a good idea. I've put so much time thinking in the future, I never thought that she'd need to recover from the abortion. DD will be at her dads for winter break so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable for her to stay here. I have a friend that is a therapist, do you think it would be a good idea to have him come over to talk to her with me, or would that be too much?


Quoting jaxTheMomm:

I wouldn't put any conditions on it, either.  Take her - the last thing you want to do is frighten her away.

I would, however, try to get her to a therapist or counsellor if she won't listen to you.  Perhaps tell her she should really stay at your house for a few days to recover?  Having that "normal" time might help her get her thoughts a little more straight.


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ashellbell
by shellbark on Dec. 8, 2012 at 1:38 PM
That will definitely be a stipulation to me paying for it.


Quoting angela84:

I would probably make sure that she immeadiately gets on birthcontrol following the abortion so it doesn't happen again. Good luck!


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blues_pagan
by on Dec. 8, 2012 at 1:38 PM

Definitely with strings attached such as enroll in college or live on her own.  She needs to see this as a lesson not as a free ride.

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