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“Why Is It O.K. To Have a Child with Someone You Know Won’t Stick Around?”

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This question comes from a blogger whom I greatly admire and respect.  However, her audience is black women so I will not post her entire article here, since I am not trying to ask this question of any one race.

For anyone interested, the article can be read here:

http://familyscholars.org/2012/06/22/why-is-it-o-k-to-have-a-child-with-someone-you-know-wont-stick-around/comment-page-1/#comment-130508


by on Dec. 8, 2012 at 9:46 PM
Replies (41-50):
punky3175
by Punky on Dec. 9, 2012 at 12:11 PM
4 moms liked this

Insert OP's name.
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futureshock
by Ruby Member on Dec. 9, 2012 at 12:13 PM
1 mom liked this

Here is an interesting excerpt from an article entitled:


Quote:

What causes women to become single mothers, and how are children affected?

 

And then she explains what causes women to do engage in this behavior:

First, the researchers concluded that the majority of children born to lone mothers could not correctly be deemed “unplanned.” Rather, many were planned or actively sought. And the majority were somewhere in the middle between planned and unplanned. In other words, many of these very young couples (it was not uncommon for the mothers to be 14 or 15 years old) explicitly or implicitly wanted a baby in their lives. Their reasons by and large would be familiar to anyone who has ever hoped for a child. They wanted someone who was an extension of their beloved, a piece of him or her.  They wanted to love another person deeply.

[...]What is different about very poor mothers’ desires for children seems to be related to their relationally, financially and educationally impoverished circumstances.  Relationally, the authors described these young mothers as existing in an environment without close, trusted ties.  In particular, the men in their lives were considered to be highly untrustworthy and worse.  Infidelity seemed almost a universal problem among the fathers. Drug and alcohol problems, criminal behavior, and domestic violence were extremely common.  Motherhood provided a chance for these women to “establish the primordial bonds of love and connection.”

So, these women are looking to children as a way to establish lasting relationships. They want to have children, and they don’t believe that they are hurting the child by having the child without a father.

You can read the rest here.

I think this is interesting because what it means is that young women are viewing children as means to their own happiness, regardless of the effects that single-motherhood, with all that it implies, has on the child. It strikes me as incredibly selfish. Just like when children demand pets and promise they will take care of them, but then the adults end up taking care of the pets because the children aren’t mature enough.

to read the rest:

http://winteryknight.wordpress.com/2009/10/21/what-causes-women-to-become-single-mothers-and-how-are-children-affected/



stacymomof2
by Ruby Member on Dec. 9, 2012 at 12:13 PM
2 moms liked this

Meh.  The anti single mom propaganda you post is enough for me to stand by what I say.

If it doesn't come from a place of judgement, the approach would be more about help and support and less about forgone conclusions.  

Quoting futureshock:


Quoting stacymomof2:

Not high fives.  Just staying out of people's personal business.  Would it be better to lecture and pontificate?  Tell the kid he or she is doomed to failure, or that their mom is easy and their dad is a loser? What good will that do, to go back to the times when kids were made to feel outcast or raised in institutions?  That is ridiculous.  Also it's silly to assume the worst of every single mother.  I know plenty of iffy parents where both parents are there, creating havoc.

Why not just have the courtesy to treat them like any other person?

We usually agree on a lot, Iga, but on this one I am inclined to disagree with you.  I don't thing anything good ever came from judging people for their personal reproductive choices.  And of course once the kid is born, there is no good to be had in making them feel like an outcast.

Quoting lga1965:

 

Quoting eviesmom453:

Maybe they don't think being a single parent is a death sentence?

You are obsessed!

 well, hell, if she is obsessed, then so am I!

What the heck? Are we going to give high fives to women who have sex with idiots and don't care if they get pregnant and then become single moms? Yeah, that's the ticket.


No one is thinking the worst of every single mother.  You are misunderstanding the entire issue.  PLEASE try to understand this issue from a place other than one of judging.

If no one talks about the very real negative repercussions that befall many BUT NOT ALL children raised by single parents  and the suffering of many of those single parents, the problem will continue its explosive growth. 




futureshock
by Ruby Member on Dec. 9, 2012 at 12:15 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting stacymomof2:

Meh.  The anti single mom propaganda you post is enough for me to stand by what I say.

If it doesn't come from a place of judgement, the approach would be more about help and support and less about forgone conclusions.  

Quoting futureshock:


Quoting stacymomof2:

Not high fives.  Just staying out of people's personal business.  Would it be better to lecture and pontificate?  Tell the kid he or she is doomed to failure, or that their mom is easy and their dad is a loser? What good will that do, to go back to the times when kids were made to feel outcast or raised in institutions?  That is ridiculous.  Also it's silly to assume the worst of every single mother.  I know plenty of iffy parents where both parents are there, creating havoc.

Why not just have the courtesy to treat them like any other person?

We usually agree on a lot, Iga, but on this one I am inclined to disagree with you.  I don't thing anything good ever came from judging people for their personal reproductive choices.  And of course once the kid is born, there is no good to be had in making them feel like an outcast.

Quoting lga1965:

 

Quoting eviesmom453:

Maybe they don't think being a single parent is a death sentence?

You are obsessed!

 well, hell, if she is obsessed, then so am I!

What the heck? Are we going to give high fives to women who have sex with idiots and don't care if they get pregnant and then become single moms? Yeah, that's the ticket.


No one is thinking the worst of every single mother.  You are misunderstanding the entire issue.  PLEASE try to understand this issue from a place other than one of judging.

If no one talks about the very real negative repercussions that befall many BUT NOT ALL children raised by single parents  and the suffering of many of those single parents, the problem will continue its explosive growth. 




Too many people do not believe there is a problem, so until that situation is rectified it is necessary to explain these things.


stacymomof2
by Ruby Member on Dec. 9, 2012 at 12:35 PM
2 moms liked this

And?  You are right, many people don't believe it is a problem.  Many people believe the problem is lack of support from the men in these relationships, the lack of decent rights of workers to be able to take a day off if kids are sick, the fact that in our society is single wage is not likely to support a family.  

The mere fact of you continually posting similar aticles repeatedly is the same kind of bs machine that Fox news uses...hound on one issue until people are frightened and feel isolated.

I disagree with the approach more than I disagree with your expressed intentions.  

Quoting futureshock:


Quoting stacymomof2:

Meh.  The anti single mom propaganda you post is enough for me to stand by what I say.

If it doesn't come from a place of judgement, the approach would be more about help and support and less about forgone conclusions.  

Quoting futureshock:


Quoting stacymomof2:

Not high fives.  Just staying out of people's personal business.  Would it be better to lecture and pontificate?  Tell the kid he or she is doomed to failure, or that their mom is easy and their dad is a loser? What good will that do, to go back to the times when kids were made to feel outcast or raised in institutions?  That is ridiculous.  Also it's silly to assume the worst of every single mother.  I know plenty of iffy parents where both parents are there, creating havoc.

Why not just have the courtesy to treat them like any other person?

We usually agree on a lot, Iga, but on this one I am inclined to disagree with you.  I don't thing anything good ever came from judging people for their personal reproductive choices.  And of course once the kid is born, there is no good to be had in making them feel like an outcast.

Quoting lga1965:

 

Quoting eviesmom453:

Maybe they don't think being a single parent is a death sentence?

You are obsessed!

 well, hell, if she is obsessed, then so am I!

What the heck? Are we going to give high fives to women who have sex with idiots and don't care if they get pregnant and then become single moms? Yeah, that's the ticket.


No one is thinking the worst of every single mother.  You are misunderstanding the entire issue.  PLEASE try to understand this issue from a place other than one of judging.

If no one talks about the very real negative repercussions that befall many BUT NOT ALL children raised by single parents  and the suffering of many of those single parents, the problem will continue its explosive growth. 




Too many people do not believe there is a problem, so until that situation is rectified it is necessary to explain these things.



stacefaceninja
by on Dec. 9, 2012 at 12:47 PM
1 mom liked this

Um yes. I think I made it pretty clear that that's what I believe. Just say what ya want to say instead of being silly and using gigantic letters. In my little corner of the world, yes, i see it and hear about it all the time. Maybe you don't. I just wanted to share my opinion...umm...

Quoting futureshock:


Quoting stacefaceninja:

I don't think anyone sets out to have a kid with someone they think will run off. Regardless of what anyone says, it is impossible to know what someone is always going to do. Perfectly happy married father's of four leave just as often and as heartlessly as crackhead baby daddy's. JMO

REALLY?  You SERIOUSLY believe this?

Perfectly happy married father's of four leave just as often and as heartlessly as crackhead baby daddy's.


-If for any reason you feel an urge to correct my grammar, spelling, or punctuation, please suppress this urge. You are not important enough to me to spend time editing before I post.  I will just laugh at you-

cueballsmom
by Silver Member on Dec. 9, 2012 at 1:03 PM
Quoting futureshock:


what's wow about it? How many times have you heard "that man is sooo fine! I'd have his baby! " Some ladies just want pretty babies, they give two shits if dad sticks around.

Some men aren't born pos, they learn it, so my reasoning is valid, though shallow.

I really have no idea why any one would choose to be a single mom.
cueballsmom
by Silver Member on Dec. 9, 2012 at 1:14 PM
1 mom liked this
Quoting kailu1835:

Without reading the article, and addressing only the question in the title, I'd say that women have babies with men they know won't stick around because they don't care.  They are selfish, and want to have a baby.  They have no care for the future, and want instant gratification.

This is not pointed at any race whatsoever, and applies across the board.  Honestly, I think that it applies to any woman who purposefully has a baby out of wedlock with someone they haven't committed to.


Isn't having a child at all pure selfishness? The world is over populated, why is it any one more "allowable" for a couple rather than a single person?

Why is it more selfish for a single rather than a couple? just as many couples use assistance, just as many couple are a drain on society. I don't understand why single parenthood is demonized. Just as many divorces cause single parents as never marrying.
mehamil1
by Platinum Member on Dec. 9, 2012 at 1:24 PM

One reason why I have decided not to have another child (I only have one) is because this world is over populated. Not to mention the thousands of children in foster care who are elegible for adoption and have no one. Not a single person in this world to call their own. When I get on my feet financially I plan on taking in foster children. Regardless of my relationship status. There is no need for me to keep popping out babies. I agree with you here, right now it's just pure selfishness. Most of the people on this planet know what is going on but they keep on having them babies. That inner drive to propagate can't just be shut off, I get it. And BC isn't accessable to everyone all over the world. 

Quoting cueballsmom:
Quoting kailu1835:

Without reading the article, and addressing only the question in the title, I'd say that women have babies with men they know won't stick around because they don't care.  They are selfish, and want to have a baby.  They have no care for the future, and want instant gratification.

This is not pointed at any race whatsoever, and applies across the board.  Honestly, I think that it applies to any woman who purposefully has a baby out of wedlock with someone they haven't committed to.

Isn't having a child at all pure selfishness? The world is over populated, why is it any one more "allowable" for a couple rather than a single person?

Why is it more selfish for a single rather than a couple? just as many couples use assistance, just as many couple are a drain on society. I don't understand why single parenthood is demonized. Just as many divorces cause single parents as never marrying.


lga1965
by on Dec. 9, 2012 at 1:25 PM
1 mom liked this
Thank you . My kids feel the same....it might be a trend in our area....

Quoting futureshock:


Quoting lga1965:

 Yeah...why do so many women "settle" and not even worry about anything and just hope they will manage and let the village take care of the kids because then the guys can leave and think everything will be okay because then OTHER people will take over for his responsibilities? Arghhhhh ! ? And we are supposed to agree with them?  No way.


I am no longer "politically correct".I say what I feel. I'm not going to just give up and say"You know what's best" because most don't know what is best anymore. It is wrong to have no family unit,no united front, no faithful marriages,its not the way to bring kids into the world! Its selfish.This is what is causing our country to fall apart.

I am very grateful that you are a poster here because you are a member of one of the last generations who understood the importance of intact families.

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