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Are parents letting themselves off the hook for parenting responsibilities?

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I have seen many post's on here of late saying things like.. "Well I can't control everything my kid does.." or "When I'm not there what can I do if my kid does x, y or z?"

And I honestly am getting sick of hearing people make excuses about why THEIR CHILD can do anything they want.. and the parent pretty much agnowledges that they have given up the right or ability to discipline or correct bad choices or behaviors in their child!?

I am sorry I think that is half the reason behind kids getting pregnant, starting to drink, do drugs etc.

Kids know.. Mom feels powerless. Dad won't back up anyrules in the house.. etc.

So How do you feel about this?

edit 

If your child commits a crime when your not arround.. ARE YOU LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE? Better bet your butt! 

If your child commits a driving violation.. when your not arround.. Do you still have to deal with insurance.. and court? Better bet your butt.. Why is it ok to say in other situations that your not responsible when legally we know that you would have to be in other instances..  

BEING THERE doesn't change your responsibility to make a child aware of your expectations of them. It doesn't change your responsibility to raise RESPONSIBLE ADULTS..  

 


by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 8:41 AM
Replies (351-356):
kailu1835
by Ruby Member on Jan. 5, 2013 at 4:02 PM

It really sets women up for failure having been raised in that home.  These are the women who seek out abusive relationship after abusive relationship.  I wish more parents understood this and adjust their parenting to a more appropriate level.


Quoting survivorinohio:

I was raised that way too and I was very young when I "was gone".  I went into the world having been trained to obey and fear.  Not cool for a very young girl on her own.

Quoting kailu1835:

Unfortunately, there are way too many  kids living in authoritarian environments.  There's a lady on here somewhere that says "My word is law, and my daughter will do XYZ if she knows what's good for her, and the moment she refuses she's gone."  I feel really sad for children who live like that, because that's how I grew up, and when I left home I made SO MANY mistakes, because mommy and daddy weren't there to tell me what to do, how to think, and how to react to situations.

Quoting EireLass:

I wonder what's wrong with a person that they'd have such a strong need to control another human. I totally get controlling your environment...but another person? Nah.

Quoting kailu1835:

Parents cannot control their kids.  Their kids can let them think that they control them, but as soon as they get big enough, the parent will find out just how little they actually control.  The key is teaching the children how to control themselves, so that when they face sticky situations, they can make good decisions.  That doesn't mean not having consequences, but too often parents have consequences that don't fit the crime, and don't let the consequences speak for themselves, and instead are the imposers of the consequences, leading to resentment and lack of control on the part of the child.  If you attempt to control your child, they will never learn how to make good decisions on their own, and when you are not there to control their behavior, they won't have the first idea about how to control it themselves.  Teach them how to control themselves, and when you are not around, they will still be in control of themselves.





babiesbabybaby development

momof3inTN
by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 9:55 PM
1 mom liked this

So far, so good. The kids aren't happy with some of our rules (that we've had to come up with because we didn't have internet and such when we were kids LOL) but that's life. There are things you will have to live with whether you like them or not (cruddy teachers, an awful boss, laws, lol).

I just remember there were times growing up I wish I hadn't been chaparoned but when I was old enough to be on my own (I still lived at home for my 1st 2 years of college), I remember behaving as if my mom was watching over my shoulder. My husband still says it was that behavior that attracted him to me, that I was conscious of my actions and the potential consequences. While his mom was strict in many respects, he admits she was way too lenient in others and he could see the differences between our upbringing. Thankfully we are on the same page with our kids. :-)

Quoting Mama_Laken:

Hm. I really can't argue with this. x[) Though, I will say this: I had plenty of opportunities where I was left alone and could have "given" up my virginity...but I saved it until I was 20 to the father of my child. Though...he didn't want to marry me, so I did make a stupid move. Haha. I do agree that they should follow the rules you set if they are still living in your household, so if that's what you want, it definitely seems to be working out for you. Hopefully they don't mind it so much either! =] And you're right: Peer pressure is a very scary thing indeed. I did a lot of things in my younger youth(lol) because I felt like I was too square and wanted to prove to everybody that I could be fun and spontaneous.

Quoting momof3inTN:

At some point it would be nice but with peer pressure being as out of control as it is, I cannot see leaving my children unchaparoned. Too many parents go to the "well, I have to trust my kids at some point" stance and what happens? Daughter gets pregnant, son gets drunk and drives home. I've seen it too many times... from the kids I grew up with to my friends' kids now. When they are no longer living in my home, they can make their own choices (just as I did) and I would hope that after 18 years of having mom or dad (or responsible adult) watching their every move, they'll think twice before trying to do something dumb and stupid (just as I did and my husband did).

I can look back and say now, with pride, I've never gotten drunk (but yes, I do have an occasional glass of wine), I've never used drugs, I saved my virginity for my husband, and I've never found myself in a situation I wish I wasn't in. That's what I want for my children. As long as they are not adults they will follow my rules. There is no discussion, that's it, end of story. I think kids do the stupid things they do (teenage sex, drinking, drugs, acting out) because their parents have taken that "I need to trust them at some point" stance and pushed away from their kids and their kids want to grab back their parent's attention. Face it, when kids want our attention, they are going for the shock value because we respond much faster. Negative attention is attention nonetheless.


I can understand this while they're young, but once they reach a certain age, what about giving them your trust that they will conduct themselves properly without chaperones? Doesn't that kind of send a flag that either you're over-protective or mistrusting of your children? o.O Not saying anything bad about your parenting style, I just wonder if that would possibly send that message to your kids? I would like to give my daughter the opportunity to show me she can be responsible and give her some room to grow--even though, yeah...it'd be great to be there for every little thing...but, I also know there are some things she needs to do on her own. Hmm. That's very steady parenting though!

Quoting momof3inTN:

As long as my kids are living under my roof, you better believe they will follow my rules. And if that means they are embarrassed in front of their friends, I don't give a flip. It is my job to parent them as I see fit so that they grow into kind, courteous, caring, responsible and upstanding men and women. I see too many parents saying "I can't..." Oh yes you can! Get up off your arse and sit with them. Don't let them leave the house. Require a chaperone. I managed to make it to adulthood without ever having drank, done drugs, had sex, robbed a store, or even so much as cheated on a test. What did my mom do? She went with me everywhere or she had an adult that she trusted go with me. I had a chaparone on dates. A responsible adult had to be everywhere I went and I was never alone with anyone. I don't feel like I had a horrible childhood and now, I thank my mom for all she did (even the times I wished she would disappear, I am now thankful that she didn't, that she took the time to care about me and the situations I was in). That's how we are raising our children. I know they don't like some of our rules (my husband and I hated some of our parents rules too) but as adults they will understand our reasons for having them and (I hope) come to appreciate those rules (like I and my husband have done with our parents).





Mama_Laken
by New Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 2:58 AM
1 mom liked this

That's really great! I'm glad you guys are on the same page and that you are so conscious of your kids. That's really important...and I don't think enough parents take that approach. (Obviously ones on Cafemom care enough though, right? There are so many here! =[) )

Quoting momof3inTN:

So far, so good. The kids aren't happy with some of our rules (that we've had to come up with because we didn't have internet and such when we were kids LOL) but that's life. There are things you will have to live with whether you like them or not (cruddy teachers, an awful boss, laws, lol).

I just remember there were times growing up I wish I hadn't been chaparoned but when I was old enough to be on my own (I still lived at home for my 1st 2 years of college), I remember behaving as if my mom was watching over my shoulder. My husband still says it was that behavior that attracted him to me, that I was conscious of my actions and the potential consequences. While his mom was strict in many respects, he admits she was way too lenient in others and he could see the differences between our upbringing. Thankfully we are on the same page with our kids. :-)

Quoting Mama_Laken:

Hm. I really can't argue with this. x[) Though, I will say this: I had plenty of opportunities where I was left alone and could have "given" up my virginity...but I saved it until I was 20 to the father of my child. Though...he didn't want to marry me, so I did make a stupid move. Haha. I do agree that they should follow the rules you set if they are still living in your household, so if that's what you want, it definitely seems to be working out for you. Hopefully they don't mind it so much either! =] And you're right: Peer pressure is a very scary thing indeed. I did a lot of things in my younger youth(lol) because I felt like I was too square and wanted to prove to everybody that I could be fun and spontaneous.

Quoting momof3inTN:

At some point it would be nice but with peer pressure being as out of control as it is, I cannot see leaving my children unchaparoned. Too many parents go to the "well, I have to trust my kids at some point" stance and what happens? Daughter gets pregnant, son gets drunk and drives home. I've seen it too many times... from the kids I grew up with to my friends' kids now. When they are no longer living in my home, they can make their own choices (just as I did) and I would hope that after 18 years of having mom or dad (or responsible adult) watching their every move, they'll think twice before trying to do something dumb and stupid (just as I did and my husband did).

I can look back and say now, with pride, I've never gotten drunk (but yes, I do have an occasional glass of wine), I've never used drugs, I saved my virginity for my husband, and I've never found myself in a situation I wish I wasn't in. That's what I want for my children. As long as they are not adults they will follow my rules. There is no discussion, that's it, end of story. I think kids do the stupid things they do (teenage sex, drinking, drugs, acting out) because their parents have taken that "I need to trust them at some point" stance and pushed away from their kids and their kids want to grab back their parent's attention. Face it, when kids want our attention, they are going for the shock value because we respond much faster. Negative attention is attention nonetheless.


I can understand this while they're young, but once they reach a certain age, what about giving them your trust that they will conduct themselves properly without chaperones? Doesn't that kind of send a flag that either you're over-protective or mistrusting of your children? o.O Not saying anything bad about your parenting style, I just wonder if that would possibly send that message to your kids? I would like to give my daughter the opportunity to show me she can be responsible and give her some room to grow--even though, yeah...it'd be great to be there for every little thing...but, I also know there are some things she needs to do on her own. Hmm. That's very steady parenting though!

Quoting momof3inTN:

As long as my kids are living under my roof, you better believe they will follow my rules. And if that means they are embarrassed in front of their friends, I don't give a flip. It is my job to parent them as I see fit so that they grow into kind, courteous, caring, responsible and upstanding men and women. I see too many parents saying "I can't..." Oh yes you can! Get up off your arse and sit with them. Don't let them leave the house. Require a chaperone. I managed to make it to adulthood without ever having drank, done drugs, had sex, robbed a store, or even so much as cheated on a test. What did my mom do? She went with me everywhere or she had an adult that she trusted go with me. I had a chaparone on dates. A responsible adult had to be everywhere I went and I was never alone with anyone. I don't feel like I had a horrible childhood and now, I thank my mom for all she did (even the times I wished she would disappear, I am now thankful that she didn't, that she took the time to care about me and the situations I was in). That's how we are raising our children. I know they don't like some of our rules (my husband and I hated some of our parents rules too) but as adults they will understand our reasons for having them and (I hope) come to appreciate those rules (like I and my husband have done with our parents).






BeanieBlue
by Member on Jan. 9, 2013 at 3:18 AM

BINGO!!! You nailed it, Woodbabe! My boys are now 26 and almost 25 years old and I could NOT agree with this more!! I just don't understand this new "Hellicoptor Parenting".  Kids HAVE TO get boo-boos so they learn what's dangerous.  They have to make mistakes and face the consequences so they can learn to be PRODUCTIVE members of society. They need age appropriate weekly chores so that they can learn basic life skills.  They also need that occasional smack on the butt (when nothing else is working) so they know that they DO have limits, no matter HOW big of a tantrum they throw.

Kids today, are walking into adulthood with basically NO basic life skills, thinking the world owes them something. And these are the kids that are gonna be running our country in the near future!! I see it happening more and more. The "You can't spank or your kids will be taken away" mentality started when my boys were little. CYS started it all, and they have created a generation of self-entitled litlle monsters!  My kids got a swat on the butt about 2 or 3 times a year because I HATED spanking them...but they knew I would if I had to. That made ALL the difference.


Quoting Woodbabe:

We raised our kids to be successful in the real world, able to take care of themselves and to be productive members of society. You don't accomplish this by controlling their every breath, you do it by giving them the opportunity to make learning mistakes, then being there to make sure they learn from it. If kids never have a chance to screw up and understand the consequences, what will their motivation be to do the right thing when the time comes?


Grandma2Many
by on Jan. 9, 2013 at 12:16 PM

If your kids see you disobeying rules IE Driving or even small rules why should they follow yours you dont. Do as I say not as I do is not working. Show your kids the right way to live and they will follow.giving mom gift

momsknowbest690
by New Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 7:59 PM

 Okay, I understand this, but my children are now grown. They're pretty good children. I never had them break the law. I may have been stern with them, but I never had to force against their wills. I never "spanked my children". My daughter tells me that once I slapped her, and I don't recall that, but when I apologized she just said it was okay because she deserved it. Well there you go, maybe I did do something right. Wow, parenting isn't everything it's cracked up to be. All children are different. You just got to love them. Now my daughter is grown and has a son, problem for me is she's trying to mother me. What's up with that anyway. Life goes on. l.o.l. :-D <3 her lots anyhow. ~ momsknowbest690.

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