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Are parents letting themselves off the hook for parenting responsibilities?

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I have seen many post's on here of late saying things like.. "Well I can't control everything my kid does.." or "When I'm not there what can I do if my kid does x, y or z?"

And I honestly am getting sick of hearing people make excuses about why THEIR CHILD can do anything they want.. and the parent pretty much agnowledges that they have given up the right or ability to discipline or correct bad choices or behaviors in their child!?

I am sorry I think that is half the reason behind kids getting pregnant, starting to drink, do drugs etc.

Kids know.. Mom feels powerless. Dad won't back up anyrules in the house.. etc.

So How do you feel about this?

edit 

If your child commits a crime when your not arround.. ARE YOU LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE? Better bet your butt! 

If your child commits a driving violation.. when your not arround.. Do you still have to deal with insurance.. and court? Better bet your butt.. Why is it ok to say in other situations that your not responsible when legally we know that you would have to be in other instances..  

BEING THERE doesn't change your responsibility to make a child aware of your expectations of them. It doesn't change your responsibility to raise RESPONSIBLE ADULTS..  

 


by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 8:41 AM
Replies (51-60):
FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Dec. 30, 2012 at 5:26 PM


Quoting MeAndTommyLee:

Apparently setting parental boundaries is archaic.  The days where a parent could give you the `look' and stop you cold in your tracks is `abuse'.  I had no problem growing up following the rules my parents laid out because they were reasonable with enough wiggle room for making my own mistakes. 
However, issues such as not going to school, going and staying out for as long as I liked, dating at 12 (LOL), showing disrespect for my parents, peers and teachers was NOT negotiable and was not permitted unless I planned on spending my summer vacation indoors.  I grew up when `grounding' meant something, lying, stealing, failing a class (I never failed a single class in my life), not cleaning your room, and telling your parents to go to hell had major consequences.  It is important to say that my parents did not strike me ONCE.  Physical punishment was never necessary because my boundaries and expectations were clearly defined and understood.  The very idea of disappointing myself and my parents was upsetting to me and deterred me from doing anything they did not approve of. 

Quoting SRUsarahSC:

Until they are 18 you are legally responsible for them and their actions.  I had a mind of my own but I knew damn well what the limitations set by my parents were and what the consequences were if I didn't follow the guidelines. It's not bad parenting to have some expectations and consequences for behavior.

Quoting FromAtoZ:


Quoting SRUsarahSC:

any parent who blames everyone and everything else for why their child doesn't listen/is a mini criminal, what have you.  

Quoting FromAtoZ:


Quoting SRUsarahSC:

I'll keep it simple. YES OP, THEY ARE.

Who is 'they', exactly??


Ahhh, I see.

Do you believe the majority of parents fall in to this category?

Do you believe that no child has a mind of their own and that all of the actions of the child are indeed the sole responsibility of the parent?



I could have written those words as that is how I have always parented and will continue to do so.

But you see, even way back then, just like now, there are those people, who happen to be children, that will defy at all costs, at every turn.  Their parents parent much in the manner  you described.  Yet, their children are defiant.

Like I said, I have learned, while raising two adult children and in the process with my 13 year old, that judging the parents without solid knowledge is not wise and really, only makes the person judging look like a fool.

Your little comment about 12 year olds having sex, and your subsequent lol, did not go unnoticed.  Which I am pretty certain was your intent.  

Those who feel they cannot be touched with that of which they preach against need to take a step back, breath and realize no one is immune.  Now, thinking that means actions and behaviors are condoned is so misguided that the person must be lost in space.

~*~Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.~*~

FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Dec. 30, 2012 at 5:29 PM


Quoting christina0607:

I do not consider the few people in this group the majority, lol. In my world, yes, most are raising their kids this way.

Quoting MeAndTommyLee:

Have you read some of these responses?  I don't believe most people raise their children in this manner.  I think we are in the minority. 


Quoting christina0607:

Why in the world would you think this is an archaic way of life. Don't be ridiculous, many of us are raising our kids the same way we were raised.


Quoting MeAndTommyLee:


Apparently setting parental boundaries is archaic.  The days where a parent could give you the `look' and stop you cold in your tracks is `abuse'.  I had no problem growing up following the rules my parents laid out because they were reasonable with enough wiggle room for making my own mistakes. 
However, issues such as not going to school, going and staying out for as long as I liked, dating at 12 (LOL), showing disrespect for my parents, peers and teachers was NOT negotiable and was not permitted unless I planned on spending my summer vacation indoors.  I grew up when `grounding' meant something, lying, stealing, failing a class (I never failed a single class in my life), not cleaning your room, and telling your parents to go to hell had major consequences.  It is important to say that my parents did not strike me ONCE.  Physical punishment was never necessary because my boundaries and expectations were clearly defined and understood.  The very idea of disappointing myself and my parents was upsetting to me and deterred me from doing anything they did not approve of. 



Quoting SRUsarahSC:



Until they are 18 you are legally responsible for them and their actions.  I had a mind of my own but I knew damn well what the limitations set by my parents were and what the consequences were if I didn't follow the guidelines. It's not bad parenting to have some expectations and consequences for behavior.



Quoting FromAtoZ:






Quoting SRUsarahSC:



any parent who blames everyone and everything else for why their child doesn't listen/is a mini criminal, what have you.  



Quoting FromAtoZ:






Quoting SRUsarahSC:



I'll keep it simple. YES OP, THEY ARE.



Who is 'they', exactly??






Ahhh, I see.



Do you believe the majority of parents fall in to this category?



Do you believe that no child has a mind of their own and that all of the actions of the child are indeed the sole responsibility of the parent?









The majority of the parents I know are as well.  Those with wonderful little people and even a few with kids whom, some in this group, would dismiss in a second and blame the parents for all actions of the child.

Some feel that living with eyes open and realizing every thing is not black and white feel we are not good parents.  We are not strict enough, we allow our children to have sex, drugs and rock -n-roll be the mantra.  No discipline and oh my, be a single parent and you are a mole on society.

Glass houses are made of glass for a reason and some seem to live in one.

~*~Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.~*~

romalove
by Roma on Dec. 30, 2012 at 5:30 PM
3 moms liked this

Anyone who thinks they have complete control over their children at all times is fooling themselves, especially as their children get older.

Half nature, half nurture.  That's how it is.

That's why a set of parents can have several kids and some behave as expected and then there's the one that causes trouble.....

hemlockprimrose
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 5:33 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting blues_pagan:

And I think that you can easily say that you didn't have to "control" us but you did a good job of instilling values in us so you knew we would do the right thing.


Love you mom.

Quoting hemlockprimrose:

OK ladies, I am Blue_pagans mom... Her dad left me with her and her sister with $ 4.00.. I didn't work through the marriage.. I was a SAHM but 3 years out of that we lived in Germany.. so once he left.. I would do anything for my girls... he sister was still small .. my mom would watch her while I worked part time ( my dad's health ) was not good that is why she could only baby sit part time... I always taught my kids respect, manners, I am there best friend.. but also there mom.. they can come to me for anything.. they were not spoiled by far.. I didn't have the money to spoil them.. sure I do feel guily at times.. but I know what wonderful woman they have become.. I am so very proud of my kids!!! 

NO I never had to control you kids.. you knew right from wrong.. sure you were not perfect.. but when we went to the grocery store.. NO way in hell was I going to let you just run through the store and throw a fit .. if I said NO.. I would hope I taught you values.. and sure I am going to brag on how many time I have been told how well behaved you kids were.. and how well mannered you were..SO I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU KIDS.. LOVE YOU TOO BLUE_PAGAN... 

GotSomeKids
by Silver Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 5:35 PM
1 mom liked this

I think there is so much that comes into play in these situations, you cannot generalize.  I do not like parents making excuse "for their kids".  But, sometimes it is what it is.  My parents were wonderful with my younger brother, yet he still managed to get into drugs.

And, the fact of the matter is, you cannot control everything in your kids lives and it's not our responsbility to do so.  It's an impossible task anyway.  What a parent SHOULD be doing is not saying "don't do drugs" (or whatever they are trying to teach them).  They should be teaching them morals and values and explain to them "why" they shouldn't do whatever is they are trying to keep them from doing.  It goes so much further that way.  That way, hopefully they will make the right decision even when your not around.

christina0607
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 5:36 PM
1 mom liked this
All parents make mistakes, mistakes that may or may not send a child on a different route. Not all parents are great or even good parents....regardless of effort given. I do be live that there a group of kids who, no matter how they were raised, will be difficult and even dangerous to themselves or others. Not all of those kids will get the medical help they need. However that being said I absolutely believe that that is the except to the rule...the rule being nurture over nature.

Quoting FromAtoZ:


Quoting christina0607:

I do not consider the few people in this group the majority, lol. In my world, yes, most are raising their kids this way.



Quoting MeAndTommyLee:

Have you read some of these responses?  I don't believe most people raise their children in this manner.  I think we are in the minority. 



Quoting christina0607:

Why in the world would you think this is an archaic way of life. Don't be ridiculous, many of us are raising our kids the same way we were raised.



Quoting MeAndTommyLee:



Apparently setting parental boundaries is archaic.  The days where a parent could give you the `look' and stop you cold in your tracks is `abuse'.  I had no problem growing up following the rules my parents laid out because they were reasonable with enough wiggle room for making my own mistakes. 
However, issues such as not going to school, going and staying out for as long as I liked, dating at 12 (LOL), showing disrespect for my parents, peers and teachers was NOT negotiable and was not permitted unless I planned on spending my summer vacation indoors.  I grew up when `grounding' meant something, lying, stealing, failing a class (I never failed a single class in my life), not cleaning your room, and telling your parents to go to hell had major consequences.  It is important to say that my parents did not strike me ONCE.  Physical punishment was never necessary because my boundaries and expectations were clearly defined and understood.  The very idea of disappointing myself and my parents was upsetting to me and deterred me from doing anything they did not approve of. 




Quoting SRUsarahSC:




Until they are 18 you are legally responsible for them and their actions.  I had a mind of my own but I knew damn well what the limitations set by my parents were and what the consequences were if I didn't follow the guidelines. It's not bad parenting to have some expectations and consequences for behavior.




Quoting FromAtoZ:








Quoting SRUsarahSC:




any parent who blames everyone and everything else for why their child doesn't listen/is a mini criminal, what have you.  




Quoting FromAtoZ:








Quoting SRUsarahSC:




I'll keep it simple. YES OP, THEY ARE.




Who is 'they', exactly??








Ahhh, I see.




Do you believe the majority of parents fall in to this category?




Do you believe that no child has a mind of their own and that all of the actions of the child are indeed the sole responsibility of the parent?












The majority of the parents I know are as well.  Those with wonderful little people and even a few with kids whom, some in this group, would dismiss in a second and blame the parents for all actions of the child.

Some feel that living with eyes open and realizing every thing is not black and white feel we are not good parents.  We are not strict enough, we allow our children to have sex, drugs and rock -n-roll be the mantra.  No discipline and oh my, be a single parent and you are a mole on society.

Glass houses are made of glass for a reason and some seem to live in one.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
lga1965
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 5:44 PM
2 moms liked this

 

Quoting romalove:

Anyone who thinks they have complete control over their children at all times is fooling themselves, especially as their children get older.

Half nature, half nurture.  That's how it is.

That's why a set of parents can have several kids and some behave as expected and then there's the one that causes trouble.....

 I learned that when my son ,age 17,and his friends borrowed the car on July 4th and threw lit fireworks out the back window while driving fast down a main street in town. The cops pulled them over and issued tickets and citation for wreckless endangerment or something similar to that. He was grounded and not allowed to drive a car for the rest of the summer and paid the fines out of his savings account. That was THE BIG Thing in the history of our family. I was horrified. I never expected he would do something that stupid.

Debmomto2girls
by Platinum Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 6:03 PM
3 moms liked this
Quoting romalove:

Anyone who thinks they have complete control over their children at all times is fooling themselves, especially as their children get older.

Half nature, half nurture.  That's how it is.

That's why a set of parents can have several kids and some behave as expected and then there's the one that causes trouble.....


This. I know people think I am crazy the way I allow my 14 year old to have friends and parties at my house. But, as long as they follow the rules, I like them here. It gives them something to do and gives my dd responsibility. They break one rule and they know it's done. I think parents need to set rules but allow the child to grow and make mistakes

EireLass
by Ruby Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 6:24 PM
1 mom liked this

My kids knew from birth....if I said it, I wasn't joking. I was a person of my word from day 1.

FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Dec. 30, 2012 at 6:30 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting EireLass:

My kids knew from birth....if I said it, I wasn't joking. I was a person of my word from day 1.

Many parents are. 

~*~Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.~*~

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