Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Are we not teaching our boys

Posted by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 2:32 PM
  • 13 Replies

I am the mother of two boys, ages 10 and 21. Before my oldest started dating I always said things to him like always ask a woman what she would like to eat at a restaurant and order for her, open her car door, offer your jacket, etc. I spoke to him about the emotions most women go through before and after sex and a commitment before sex is always the best option. It never occurred to me to tell him is not ok to rape or sexually degrade a woman. I guess I just assumed he would know better. Actually I can't even say I assumed, I legitimately didn't think to tell him not to.

In light of some of the recent articles of crimes against women, do you think we're failing to teach our sons? What do you think would make a boy/man not value a woman to the extent of rape?

by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 2:32 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
by Milami on Jan. 5, 2013 at 2:40 PM

 I have a son. He's only 6, but it's never crossed my mind that I would ever need to tell him to not rape someone. Like you, I intend to tell him to be a gentlemen and open doors, offer jackets, etc.

 It's pretty sad that we may actually need to discuss rape and that it is Never ok.  I always assumed that nice guys raised well would be respectful of women. I know from personal experience that this is not so.

by Silver Member on Jan. 5, 2013 at 2:40 PM
We have 3 boys. They are still little, but we are already working to teach them that it is never ok. Now it is little things, such as teaching them about boundaries, to accept no for an answer, even when they feel entitled to hear us, general respect for other people. Also, my husband never acts entitled to put his hands on me when I don't want to be touched. ( Not that he would grope me in front of them anyway). When they get older we will make sure they understand and require consent.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by Gold Member on Jan. 5, 2013 at 2:42 PM

 I think an entire cultural shift needs to take place...when you have the pervasive atmospere of blaming the victim, even the most well meaning of parents can be ignored...since everyone else is saying it was HER fault, even people who know better may be swayed, or start to have doubts, KWIM?

by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 2:49 PM

 It should be part of their "sex" talk.   I talked to my sons about it.  I reinforced the NO means NO conversation, and told them just because you went on a date, didnt mean sex was REQUIRED.  

 It's the most IMPORTANT part of the conversation.  


by Platinum Member on Jan. 5, 2013 at 2:50 PM

I too have taught them just because they want something doesn't mean they can have it or are entitled to it, sex or otherwise. I'm just now really wondering what is it about some men that think they are entitled to a woman's body anymore than anyone would be entitled to theirs.

by Roma on Jan. 5, 2013 at 2:52 PM
1 mom liked this

I have a son.

It was second nature to teach him about respect, as I demanded all of my children to say please, thank you, hold doors, wait for others when in the car, etc.

They all were taught about appropriate and inappropriate affection.

Children also are more influenced by what they see and experience in the home than necessarily what you tell them.  If they see respect, they will live it.

by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 2:54 PM

 I have had talks about what it means to "consent" with my boys and that the ability for someone to say no should always be respected.  I would never have to say, "You should never rape someone."

by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 2:58 PM

I don't know about the teachings of other parents but my 17 year old so knows about rape, including statutory rape. He knows the legal age of consent but more importantly, he knows that pressuring a girl to have sex is NOT cool and at anytime she says no or to stop, he is to do exactly that. I've never told him flat out that *you shouldn't rape anyone* because that's weird to me. He's almost 18 and hasn't had sex yet but I'm pretty confident that I've taught him well and he will have the upmost respect when that time comes. I think this is a very important lesson to teach boys and it shouldn't wait until they are *old enough to have the talk*. Blech.

by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 3:04 PM

I will be Haveing the rape conversation with my son along with the birds and bees conversation.not to would be irresponsibility on my part as a parent . His father also plans on making these things very clear to him.

by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 3:15 PM
It happens I think alot because boys are taught that their masculinity is tied to scoring and taught that its okay for them to be as sexual as possible and that everything is the fault and responsibility of women. No they don't all become rapists but it cause the attitude tht many men and women have about pointing the finger at the woman.

But everytime I have ever brought up that boys need to start being held accountable as well as girls I still get bombarded with stupid "it IS the girls responsibility!" Seriously people should want better for their daughters and granddaughters than to live in a society tht puts all their value as a person into something as personal and natural as whether or not they have had sex and better for them than to live Ina society that blames them for everything
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)