Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

The case AGAINST Adoption EDIT: Should Infant Adoptions be Banned?

Posted by   + Show Post

 Putting your child up for adoption: The financial and emotional costs by Jan Baker

Created on: May 18, 2008

"There is no cost to birth mothers," is a statement that many adoption agencies proudly announce on their websites. What they mean is that there may be no financial costs. The demand for adoptable newborns is so high that many agencies boast about all the perks available to birth mothers, including as many items as allowed by law in each state. Yes, it is often true that there are many "free" services provided to mothers who place their babies for adoption. There is free adoption counseling and free medical and hospital care. Sometimes, pregnant young women can live for free in luxurious quarters with other pregnant moms who have promised their babies to adoption.

For some pregnant women who relinquish babies to adoption, there may be virtually no financial costs. Pregnant women are wooed and courted, sometimes covertly and other times with less subtlety. The most extreme financial incentive to entice a pregnant woman to place a baby for adoption is probably the college scholarships for birth mothers. Adoption rarely features financial costs for birth mothers.

What about emotional costs? Ah, yes, there's the catch! Although a birth mother may not be hit with financial costs surrounding her unplanned pregnancy if she chooses adoption, there is a generally a profound emotional toll. Mothers who place babies for adoptions are affected in different ways, and in different degrees based on many varying factors. However, most birth mothers profoundly affected by the loss of their children.

It is crucial to understand that the loss of a child to adoption is not a singular event, but a lifelong issue that generally entails painful issues for most birth mothers. As more studies aimed at evaluating the effects of adoption on birth mothers mount, it is obvious that there are immense emotional costs to birth mothers. Most birth mothers mourn the loss of their children throughout their lives and none forget their children and move on effortlessly as they may have been assured that they would.

In fact, it is absurd to suggest that placing a child for adoption is an event that a mother "gets over" and moves on with her life unaffected. Although some proponents of open adoption suggest that this type of adoption eases the pain for birth mothers, it is not necessarily clear that this is the case for all. Open adoptions are generally thought to be better for children, but the affects on mothers who relinquish are still subject to much debate.

Birth mothers in open or closed adoptions rarely expect or are prepared for the lifelong emotional costs that they will likely suffer. After all, they are told by a myriad of people that they are doing the "right thing, the loving thing," and that the satisfaction of seeing their child happy will outweigh any temporary sadness that they might experience. Rarely are they told that their child's birthday and Mothers' Days will forever be excruciating days for them. No one mentions that for the rest of their lives that they will be required to explain their adoption decision to significant others, children and family.

Nor are women considering adoption for their child told about how their self-esteem may plummet after relinquishing their child, and how difficult it may be to ever regain. Little mention is made of the stereotypical and cruel judgments that are made of birthmothers. No one tells a young woman considering adoption for her child, that instead of her pain and sadness diminishing with time that it might just as easily increase over time. What about the regret, guilt, grief and shame that often accompany the birth mother experience? Who explains to a pregnant woman considering adoption for her child that she will pay for her deed by dealing with lifelong longings and ache for her child?

What about that missing piece of your heart that many birth mothers say exists for them? Nothing can ever replace a child in the heart of a mother, and the empty place left by a missing child remains forever. Are their emotional costs to relinquishing a child to adoption? The depth and breadth of those costs is staggering, and hard to imagine unless you have felt and lived with them yourself. Yet the emotional costs that accompany the loss of a child to adoption are real, heart-breaking and with wide-sweeping implications for the rest of a mother's life and often her child's as well.

 

by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 11:49 AM
Replies (161-170):
Ms.KitKat
by Platinum Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:18 PM

 

Quoting talia-mom:

This is so weird to me that somehow it is okay to kill the child in the womb, but giving the baby up for adoption needs to be banned or tightly regulated because it is hard for the mother.

 This needs to be regulated and it is in fact. there are very many laws and regulations surrounding adoption. However, even with these laws and regualtions in place, many women and their babies fall prey and victim to some very unscrupulous people.

talia-mom
by Gold Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:22 PM

You aren't getting what I am saying.

People don't think there should be waiting periods or regulations regarding abortion.

Why should there be ones for adoption?

Are you saying mothers can't know what they want to do at the time and then possibly regret it later, so you want to make them wait?


Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 

Quoting talia-mom:

This is so weird to me that somehow it is okay to kill the child in the womb, but giving the baby up for adoption needs to be banned or tightly regulated because it is hard for the mother.

 This needs to be regulated and it is in fact. there are very many laws and regulations surrounding adoption. However, even with these laws and regualtions in place, many women and their babies fall prey and victim to some very unscrupulous people.



Ms.KitKat
by Platinum Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:22 PM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting LAHnTAH0812:

so, let me get this straight.
ABORTION is supposedly "ok" and supposedly does not increase the risk of psychological issues (including but not limited to depression and ptsd)
yet ADOPTION is awful and leaves birth moms all messed up??

 I will not address the abortion peice. That is for a whole other topic! I am trying hard to just stick with adoption only. But yep- for many first mothers (aka mothers whose children were placed for adoption) the process leaves many "all messed up."

Ms.KitKat
by Platinum Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:23 PM

 

Quoting momaof8:

what about in the cases where the mom is unfit and dangerous?

 

 good point. This is about in cases where the placement is "voluntary"

LindaClement
by Linda on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:27 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with most of this, but it leaves out the cost to the child.

No matter what kind of environment, or what kind of loving people, are involved in the receiving end of the adoption, the child suffers from the longterm effects of having their first, primary bond suddenly severed.

Of course, children whose mothers die early in their lives suffer the same trauma --and display many of the same lifelong problems as adoptees-- but that's not voluntary.

I believe there is a lot wrong with a world in which infants being removed from their mothers is the 'solution' to any problem.

Ms.KitKat
by Platinum Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:31 PM

 Yes- if I understand you correctly- that is some of what I am refrring to. Some first mothers say if they only had more time they never would have chosen adoption. Some states allow a mother to sign as early as 24 hours after birth! I know of 1 state in which a mother can sign a consent BEFORE giving birth. Of course, she has the right to change her mind (she is given only 48 hours to do so) but who seriously, after giving birth and signing a consent BEFORE birth will really feel they have the self-esteem and energy to say- oh no wait- I change my mind- please shred my consent. especially after the adoptive parents have been to the hospital and are rooming in with the baby right next door to her room.

So-yeah- many first moms would like to have at least several weeks if not several months to be able to see and bond with their baby before they figure out if they are really up to the "job."

Quoting talia-mom:

You aren't getting what I am saying.

People don't think there should be waiting periods or regulations regarding abortion.

Why should there be ones for adoption?

Are you saying mothers can't know what they want to do at the time and then possibly regret it later, so you want to make them wait?

 

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 

Quoting talia-mom:

This is so weird to me that somehow it is okay to kill the child in the womb, but giving the baby up for adoption needs to be banned or tightly regulated because it is hard for the mother.

 This needs to be regulated and it is in fact. there are very many laws and regulations surrounding adoption. However, even with these laws and regualtions in place, many women and their babies fall prey and victim to some very unscrupulous people.

 

 

 

onethentwins
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:11 PM

PAP - Prospective Adoptive Parent. 

I don't know why you feel the need to insult me. I'm far from pessimistic, although I'll admit when you know the truth about adoption it is pretty depressing. I really, really care about other people and I'm really nice to them too :) I'm on the board of CUB, Concerned United Birthparents. a  national organization that supports birth mothers, adoptees, and anyone else who is dealing with the lifelong emotional effects of adoption. 

And please say where I have critising people who adopt? I was agreeing with you that they are just as much abused by the Adoption Industry as women in crisis pregnancy. It's the Industry I critisize.

I'd still love to see the website of the Lutheran Agency you describe that encourages parenting. If I can find ethical adoption agencies I can recommend them to paps who want to adopt ethically.


Quoting lga1965:

 what the hell is a PAP?  Please, no more abbreviations. @@

You are really a pessimistic and depressing person.

I don't know,. maybe I am just used to living in an area where people are actually nice and care about other people? WHat you describe is totally foreign to me and nothing like the people I know who have adopted babies in the USA.

Quoting onethentwins:

No, but I'd love to know who they are. Do they have a website you can link me to?

I was talking about Adoption Agencies in general. They market for women in crisis pregnancy using the money that the paps pay them. When they find her they match her with paps. Once the baby is born either the moms loses her baby, or the paps lose the money they have paid, but the agency never loses anything, except maybe the profit they would have made on the transfer of the child from it's birth family to another.


Quoting lga1965:

 They are with the Mom who is going to give up her baby...every step of the way and they protect her. This is not a private adoption I am talking about. It s a well known, well respected adoption agency that is on the side of the mom. They protect her  because they know she is alone and that her resources are few. The agency is partnered with a Lutheran agency and they counsel and help moms decide. They actually encourage the women  to keep their babies but help them of they decide to give the baby up.

Haven't you ever heard of this kind of situation?

Quoting onethentwins:

You are 100%. And the Adoption Agency bares non of the risk whatsover. 


Quoting lga1965:

 In the case of how adoptions of infants on the USA are handled at a very well respected adoption agency in MN, the moms are the ones who decide who will adopt their baby after they give birth. Couples who want to adopt have to present a complete and detailed picture of themselves, their earnings, their medical history, any criminal record ( but that would eliminate them..), their reason for wanting to adopt, an album of photos, etc. and the Mom decides on who her baby goes to. They also meet together before the birth. Quite often, the mom decides in the hospital to keep her baby. So, even though couples try and try, they are often disappointed. The Moms are in charge. The couple who wants to adopt is hopeful but prepared to be disappointed. 

It is not easy on either the Mom or the couple who want to adopt.



 



 



candlegal
by Judy on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:13 PM
1 mom liked this

Thank you, me too.  :)

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 Thank you Candlegal for sharing this. I am glad you have the chance to reunite.

Quoting candlegal:

I put a child up for adoption right after high school.   I was basically told by my parents if I kept the child I would not be allowed to come home.  Things were different at that time then they are today. 

She went into a good home and she found me when she was 19.  I always kept my address and phone number with the agency in case she ever came looking for me.  I did not feel it was up to me to look for her.

I did not have an open adoption and would not have chosen that today.

I do not think infant adoptions should be banned.

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 Most first mothers would vehemtly and fiercely argue with you about their "choice." Most feel they were coerced in some way- not given the full ability to freely choose. Most feel that they did want to raise their baby but financially they were scared and did not have the emtional or financial support to be able to keep their baby who they so love. Many will say their social worker or lawyer lied to them and thereby they were forced.

Quoting GOBryan:

Ok.. but they do have the choice and if they are putting their child for adoption, it's because they can't or don't want to raise it anyway. They are not being forced afterall. 

 


 


Veni.Vidi.Vici.
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:18 PM
1 mom liked this

I would like to see adoptions services include the mental health of the mother. Good post.

onethentwins
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:28 PM

No she doesn't use Jan Baker and yes she's still around, posted just yesterday. I'll let you guess for a while before I tell you who she is :) Clue, it's not Cedars.


Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 

Quoting onethentwins:

BTW Kitkat, did you know that the author of this article is a CM member?


 REALLY? Does she use her IRL name? I wonder if I have "spoken" to her in other forums? Does she still hang around here?



Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)



Featured