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The case AGAINST Adoption EDIT: Should Infant Adoptions be Banned?

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 Putting your child up for adoption: The financial and emotional costs by Jan Baker

Created on: May 18, 2008

"There is no cost to birth mothers," is a statement that many adoption agencies proudly announce on their websites. What they mean is that there may be no financial costs. The demand for adoptable newborns is so high that many agencies boast about all the perks available to birth mothers, including as many items as allowed by law in each state. Yes, it is often true that there are many "free" services provided to mothers who place their babies for adoption. There is free adoption counseling and free medical and hospital care. Sometimes, pregnant young women can live for free in luxurious quarters with other pregnant moms who have promised their babies to adoption.

For some pregnant women who relinquish babies to adoption, there may be virtually no financial costs. Pregnant women are wooed and courted, sometimes covertly and other times with less subtlety. The most extreme financial incentive to entice a pregnant woman to place a baby for adoption is probably the college scholarships for birth mothers. Adoption rarely features financial costs for birth mothers.

What about emotional costs? Ah, yes, there's the catch! Although a birth mother may not be hit with financial costs surrounding her unplanned pregnancy if she chooses adoption, there is a generally a profound emotional toll. Mothers who place babies for adoptions are affected in different ways, and in different degrees based on many varying factors. However, most birth mothers profoundly affected by the loss of their children.

It is crucial to understand that the loss of a child to adoption is not a singular event, but a lifelong issue that generally entails painful issues for most birth mothers. As more studies aimed at evaluating the effects of adoption on birth mothers mount, it is obvious that there are immense emotional costs to birth mothers. Most birth mothers mourn the loss of their children throughout their lives and none forget their children and move on effortlessly as they may have been assured that they would.

In fact, it is absurd to suggest that placing a child for adoption is an event that a mother "gets over" and moves on with her life unaffected. Although some proponents of open adoption suggest that this type of adoption eases the pain for birth mothers, it is not necessarily clear that this is the case for all. Open adoptions are generally thought to be better for children, but the affects on mothers who relinquish are still subject to much debate.

Birth mothers in open or closed adoptions rarely expect or are prepared for the lifelong emotional costs that they will likely suffer. After all, they are told by a myriad of people that they are doing the "right thing, the loving thing," and that the satisfaction of seeing their child happy will outweigh any temporary sadness that they might experience. Rarely are they told that their child's birthday and Mothers' Days will forever be excruciating days for them. No one mentions that for the rest of their lives that they will be required to explain their adoption decision to significant others, children and family.

Nor are women considering adoption for their child told about how their self-esteem may plummet after relinquishing their child, and how difficult it may be to ever regain. Little mention is made of the stereotypical and cruel judgments that are made of birthmothers. No one tells a young woman considering adoption for her child, that instead of her pain and sadness diminishing with time that it might just as easily increase over time. What about the regret, guilt, grief and shame that often accompany the birth mother experience? Who explains to a pregnant woman considering adoption for her child that she will pay for her deed by dealing with lifelong longings and ache for her child?

What about that missing piece of your heart that many birth mothers say exists for them? Nothing can ever replace a child in the heart of a mother, and the empty place left by a missing child remains forever. Are their emotional costs to relinquishing a child to adoption? The depth and breadth of those costs is staggering, and hard to imagine unless you have felt and lived with them yourself. Yet the emotional costs that accompany the loss of a child to adoption are real, heart-breaking and with wide-sweeping implications for the rest of a mother's life and often her child's as well.

 

by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 11:49 AM
Replies (171-180):
onethentwins
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:30 PM


If you don't mind sharing, do you have an ongoing reunion with your daughter?

Quoting candlegal:

I put a child up for adoption right after high school.   I was basically told by my parents if I kept the child I would not be allowed to come home.  Things were different at that time then they are today. 

She went into a good home and she found me when she was 19.  I always kept my address and phone number with the agency in case she ever came looking for me.  I did not feel it was up to me to look for her.

I did not have an open adoption and would not have chosen that today.

I do not think infant adoptions should be banned.


lilbit53009
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:33 PM

i feel like situations where that happens are mostly caused by woman who were thinking about abortion but were talked out of it and talked into adoption as the "better" option

pro-lifers who picket those abortion agencies should be banned

lilbit53009
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:39 PM

well with abortion there could really be no waiting period

i think the majority of the time situations like the one described happen when a woman is leaning towards abortion but is coerced into adoption as the better option

i know for me (i can only speak for myself)...it'd be easier for me to abort than to go thru a pregnancy and then give the child up for adoption (i haven't done either although when i first got pregnant i wasn't 100% sure on what i was going to do so i did have to make that decision then)

Quoting talia-mom:

You aren't getting what I am saying.

People don't think there should be waiting periods or regulations regarding abortion.

Why should there be ones for adoption?

Are you saying mothers can't know what they want to do at the time and then possibly regret it later, so you want to make them wait?


Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 

Quoting talia-mom:

This is so weird to me that somehow it is okay to kill the child in the womb, but giving the baby up for adoption needs to be banned or tightly regulated because it is hard for the mother.

 This needs to be regulated and it is in fact. there are very many laws and regulations surrounding adoption. However, even with these laws and regualtions in place, many women and their babies fall prey and victim to some very unscrupulous people.




onethentwins
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:54 PM

Thanks for that KitKat. Very nice of you. I do have to say though that my experience wasn't bad at all. I wasn't coerced (Cedars insists I was but I don't think so), my sons parents kept their promises to me as far as keeping contact and sending pictures, and now I am fully and lovingly reunited with my son and his family considers us extended family. 

During my son's childhood I was perfectly happy with my adoption decision and probably would have been one of the young women defending DIA and saying how fine I was. I absolutely do not have PTSD. My grief only started when I reunited with my son and held in my arms what I'd given away 18 years before. I was in so much pain I couldn't  function. The fear of losing my son for a second time was paralyzing. Anyway, I sought help and found CUB, Concerned United Birthparents. I also sought therapy from Marlou Russell Phd. http://www.marlourussellphd.com/ 

Once I started dealing with my own adoption grief I started hearing other peoples stories which as you say "would make most people curl up into a very dark place". The stories that get me the most are the ones from the adoptees. I know not all adoptees have issues, but my own son does, and my heart bleeds for them.

BTW, my avatar is me, my son, and his adoptive mother. We're celebrating his 21st birthday.


Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 LOL I just love you Iga!!!!!

PAP= Potential (or prospective) Adult Parent

Please cut her some slack. She really is very sweet and a very good person. She just so happens to have some very passionate feelings. She has had some experiences that would make most people curl up into a very dark place. 


onethentwins
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:57 PM
1 mom liked this


God bless you for this.

Quoting LindaClement:

I agree with most of this, but it leaves out the cost to the child.

No matter what kind of environment, or what kind of loving people, are involved in the receiving end of the adoption, the child suffers from the longterm effects of having their first, primary bond suddenly severed.

Of course, children whose mothers die early in their lives suffer the same trauma --and display many of the same lifelong problems as adoptees-- but that's not voluntary.

I believe there is a lot wrong with a world in which infants being removed from their mothers is the 'solution' to any problem.



Ms.KitKat
by Platinum Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:19 PM

 I didn;t think it was her! gesh- I really hate surprises!!!!

Quoting onethentwins:

No she doesn't use Jan Baker and yes she's still around, posted just yesterday. I'll let you guess for a while before I tell you who she is :) Clue, it's not Cedars.

 

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 

Quoting onethentwins:

BTW Kitkat, did you know that the author of this article is a CM member?

 

 REALLY? Does she use her IRL name? I wonder if I have "spoken" to her in other forums? Does she still hang around here?

 

 

 

candlegal
by Judy on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:27 PM
1 mom liked this

We are in different parts of the country but she came to see me a couple of times after we first met.   I went to see her for her 21st birthday and we had several drinks together  :)    I was invited to her wedding and it was lovely.  She has given me one granddaughter, who turned 18 last year.   We have been to see her several times and stayed at the house with her and her husband and daughter.

I know they don't always turn out that way but God has been good to me.

Quoting onethentwins:


If you don't mind sharing, do you have an ongoing reunion with your daughter?

Quoting candlegal:

I put a child up for adoption right after high school.   I was basically told by my parents if I kept the child I would not be allowed to come home.  Things were different at that time then they are today. 

She went into a good home and she found me when she was 19.  I always kept my address and phone number with the agency in case she ever came looking for me.  I did not feel it was up to me to look for her.

I did not have an open adoption and would not have chosen that today.

I do not think infant adoptions should be banned.



Ms.KitKat
by Platinum Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:29 PM

 You're welcome. Iga means well too but she just comes from a very different place. I think it is very hard for her to hear stories so outside of her everyday existance. It is hard for her to comprehend that bad experiences happen to good people- but I do not want to put words/thoughts in her mouth. 

It sounds like you had a delayed grief response. maybe that is why some mothers never want to search/reunite. I don;t know.

I do know adult adoptees  -some- have their issues as well. I wonder if having more open-ness makes that any easier or not. But I do think the secracy has to end.

Quoting onethentwins:

Thanks for that KitKat. Very nice of you. I do have to say though that my experience wasn't bad at all. I wasn't coerced (Cedars insists I was but I don't think so), my sons parents kept their promises to me as far as keeping contact and sending pictures, and now I am fully and lovingly reunited with my son and his family considers us extended family. 

During my son's childhood I was perfectly happy with my adoption decision and probably would have been one of the young women defending DIA and saying how fine I was. I absolutely do not have PTSD. My grief only started when I reunited with my son and held in my arms what I'd given away 18 years before. I was in so much pain I couldn't  function. The fear of losing my son for a second time was paralyzing. Anyway, I sought help and found CUB, Concerned United Birthparents. I also sought therapy from Marlou Russell Phd. http://www.marlourussellphd.com/ 

Once I started dealing with my own adoption grief I started hearing other peoples stories which as you say "would make most people curl up into a very dark place". The stories that get me the most are the ones from the adoptees. I know not all adoptees have issues, but my own son does, and my heart bleeds for them.

BTW, my avatar is me, my son, and his adoptive mother. We're celebrating his 21st birthday.

 

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 LOL I just love you Iga!!!!!

PAP= Potential (or prospective) Adult Parent

Please cut her some slack. She really is very sweet and a very good person. She just so happens to have some very passionate feelings. She has had some experiences that would make most people curl up into a very dark place. 


 

candlegal
by Judy on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:30 PM
1 mom liked this

P. S.    That is the shortened version of a 20 year history.  

Quoting onethentwins:


If you don't mind sharing, do you have an ongoing reunion with your daughter?

Quoting candlegal:

I put a child up for adoption right after high school.   I was basically told by my parents if I kept the child I would not be allowed to come home.  Things were different at that time then they are today. 

She went into a good home and she found me when she was 19.  I always kept my address and phone number with the agency in case she ever came looking for me.  I did not feel it was up to me to look for her.

I did not have an open adoption and would not have chosen that today.

I do not think infant adoptions should be banned.



onethentwins
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:33 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm so happy to hear that, you truly are blessed. I am also in reunion with my son that I relinquished. He lives locally so I get to see him often. He's not married yet but I dream of dancing with him at this wedding and can only hope that I get to be grandma to his children. 


Quoting candlegal:

We are in different parts of the country but she came to see me a couple of times after we first met.   I went to see her for her 21st birthday and we had several drinks together  :)    I was invited to her wedding and it was lovely.  She has given me one granddaughter, who turned 18 last year.   We have been to see her several times and stayed at the house with her and her husband and daughter.

I know they don't always turn out that way but God has been good to me.

Quoting onethentwins:


If you don't mind sharing, do you have an ongoing reunion with your daughter?

Quoting candlegal:

I put a child up for adoption right after high school.   I was basically told by my parents if I kept the child I would not be allowed to come home.  Things were different at that time then they are today. 

She went into a good home and she found me when she was 19.  I always kept my address and phone number with the agency in case she ever came looking for me.  I did not feel it was up to me to look for her.

I did not have an open adoption and would not have chosen that today.

I do not think infant adoptions should be banned.





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