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The case AGAINST Adoption EDIT: Should Infant Adoptions be Banned?

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 Putting your child up for adoption: The financial and emotional costs by Jan Baker

Created on: May 18, 2008

"There is no cost to birth mothers," is a statement that many adoption agencies proudly announce on their websites. What they mean is that there may be no financial costs. The demand for adoptable newborns is so high that many agencies boast about all the perks available to birth mothers, including as many items as allowed by law in each state. Yes, it is often true that there are many "free" services provided to mothers who place their babies for adoption. There is free adoption counseling and free medical and hospital care. Sometimes, pregnant young women can live for free in luxurious quarters with other pregnant moms who have promised their babies to adoption.

For some pregnant women who relinquish babies to adoption, there may be virtually no financial costs. Pregnant women are wooed and courted, sometimes covertly and other times with less subtlety. The most extreme financial incentive to entice a pregnant woman to place a baby for adoption is probably the college scholarships for birth mothers. Adoption rarely features financial costs for birth mothers.

What about emotional costs? Ah, yes, there's the catch! Although a birth mother may not be hit with financial costs surrounding her unplanned pregnancy if she chooses adoption, there is a generally a profound emotional toll. Mothers who place babies for adoptions are affected in different ways, and in different degrees based on many varying factors. However, most birth mothers profoundly affected by the loss of their children.

It is crucial to understand that the loss of a child to adoption is not a singular event, but a lifelong issue that generally entails painful issues for most birth mothers. As more studies aimed at evaluating the effects of adoption on birth mothers mount, it is obvious that there are immense emotional costs to birth mothers. Most birth mothers mourn the loss of their children throughout their lives and none forget their children and move on effortlessly as they may have been assured that they would.

In fact, it is absurd to suggest that placing a child for adoption is an event that a mother "gets over" and moves on with her life unaffected. Although some proponents of open adoption suggest that this type of adoption eases the pain for birth mothers, it is not necessarily clear that this is the case for all. Open adoptions are generally thought to be better for children, but the affects on mothers who relinquish are still subject to much debate.

Birth mothers in open or closed adoptions rarely expect or are prepared for the lifelong emotional costs that they will likely suffer. After all, they are told by a myriad of people that they are doing the "right thing, the loving thing," and that the satisfaction of seeing their child happy will outweigh any temporary sadness that they might experience. Rarely are they told that their child's birthday and Mothers' Days will forever be excruciating days for them. No one mentions that for the rest of their lives that they will be required to explain their adoption decision to significant others, children and family.

Nor are women considering adoption for their child told about how their self-esteem may plummet after relinquishing their child, and how difficult it may be to ever regain. Little mention is made of the stereotypical and cruel judgments that are made of birthmothers. No one tells a young woman considering adoption for her child, that instead of her pain and sadness diminishing with time that it might just as easily increase over time. What about the regret, guilt, grief and shame that often accompany the birth mother experience? Who explains to a pregnant woman considering adoption for her child that she will pay for her deed by dealing with lifelong longings and ache for her child?

What about that missing piece of your heart that many birth mothers say exists for them? Nothing can ever replace a child in the heart of a mother, and the empty place left by a missing child remains forever. Are their emotional costs to relinquishing a child to adoption? The depth and breadth of those costs is staggering, and hard to imagine unless you have felt and lived with them yourself. Yet the emotional costs that accompany the loss of a child to adoption are real, heart-breaking and with wide-sweeping implications for the rest of a mother's life and often her child's as well.

 

by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 11:49 AM
Replies (251-260):
2Gs
by Member on Apr. 11, 2013 at 12:46 AM
Birthmothers who want/need counseling should get it. It should not be forced upon them no more than it should be forced upon women who abort.
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2Gs
by Member on Apr. 11, 2013 at 12:53 AM
Scholarships for birthmothers? Where is that happening? That is illegal!!!?

And who says a birthmother is uneducated? Many are not. When we adopted we knew a couple who adopted a baby that was conceived through an affair between a married doctor and a nurse. Adoption stories vary dramatically and usually do not involve 16 year old teen birthparents like the ones from the show Teen Mom.

Low self esteem from placing a baby into a loving home that you hand selected vs. abortion...? Uh I don't think birthmothers have anything to feel guilty about.
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pixie92
by Platinum Member on Apr. 11, 2013 at 12:59 AM
1 mom liked this
yeah sure, not. I gave my son up for adoption and trust me it was forced and i would have never done it otherwise. Also also many many parents make a young mother feel it is the only option which is the same as forcing it. You have no clue what you are talking about in many many cases.


Quoting GOBryan:

Ok.. but they do have the choice and if they are putting their child for adoption, it's because they can't or don't want to raise it anyway. They are not being forced afterall. 


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pixie92
by Platinum Member on Apr. 11, 2013 at 1:09 AM
1 mom liked this
i get what they are saying completely. No one told me the issues i would have. No one told me i would want to die because the person who meant the most to me was gone. The only one that tried to help me and tell me the truth was my nurse. Which is really sad. I was forced into putting my son up for adoption. It was the worst thing to ever happen to me and i have had a lot happen to me. I to this day get really depressed on his birthday, which is in 9 days and im already getting depressed. I miss him so much and yeah because i was forced a year after the adoption it was worse cause i had to make the choice of tearing the family apart and take him back or just let the adoption stand. I couldnt handle the idea of hurtting his family by taking him back so i let it stand and have now suffered for almost 22 years.
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LindaClement
by Linda on Apr. 11, 2013 at 1:14 AM

I agree with you. There are lots of ways to coerce people...

Quoting pixie92:

yeah sure, not. I gave my son up for adoption and trust me it was forced and i would have never done it otherwise. Also also many many parents make a young mother feel it is the only option which is the same as forcing it. You have no clue what you are talking about in many many cases.


Quoting GOBryan:

Ok.. but they do have the choice and if they are putting their child for adoption, it's because they can't or don't want to raise it anyway. They are not being forced afterall. 



LindaClement
by Linda on Apr. 11, 2013 at 1:19 AM

A startlingly high proportion of my close friends, my whole life, were adopted, and I can assure you: it's every bit as hard on the kids.

I'm not a fan of banning adoption, because I'm opposed to simplistic, draconian measures to limit the freedom of other people... but I do dream of a day when all mommies can keep their babies, and all babies are wanted.

Quoting pixie92:

i get what they are saying completely. No one told me the issues i would have. No one told me i would want to die because the person who meant the most to me was gone. The only one that tried to help me and tell me the truth was my nurse. Which is really sad. I was forced into putting my son up for adoption. It was the worst thing to ever happen to me and i have had a lot happen to me. I to this day get really depressed on his birthday, which is in 9 days and im already getting depressed. I miss him so much and yeah because i was forced a year after the adoption it was worse cause i had to make the choice of tearing the family apart and take him back or just let the adoption stand. I couldnt handle the idea of hurtting his family by taking him back so i let it stand and have now suffered for almost 22 years.


dawnnamarie
by Member on Apr. 11, 2013 at 1:35 AM
1 mom liked this
I know that I would not have been given the opportunity to have the amazing life I have been blessed with if I would have been raised by the 15 y/o who got pregnant with me. I was adopted a week after I was born.

It's freaking sick to think that the "mother's" feeling are more important than the well-being of that child.
Also, these women who give children up for adoption are NOT mothers. It's not "their" baby. They have up those rights when they decided they couldn't raise the child. And I think the more people place such an emphasis on this idea that these women are "mothers", the harder it is on them and the more they are reminded of the child.
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pixie92
by Platinum Member on Apr. 11, 2013 at 2:53 AM
I was also adopted and yes it was hard on me. Granted i am the black sheep of the family cause of how different i am and also because my mother abused me mentally and physically. My bio mom died when i was 16 and i am now searching for my bio dad. They were also forced into adopting me out and i know it was hard on them. I dont want to ban adoption i just wish people would quit lying about how it feels or effects the life of the parents/parent and the child (except on abuse or rape cases cause for the child/ren in abuse cases their lives are better and in rape cases the mother is doing whats best and it may not effect her the same).


Quoting LindaClement:

A startlingly high proportion of my close friends, my whole life, were adopted, and I can assure you: it's every bit as hard on the kids.

I'm not a fan of banning adoption, because I'm opposed to simplistic, draconian measures to limit the freedom of other people... but I do dream of a day when all mommies can keep their babies, and all babies are wanted.

Quoting pixie92:

i get what they are saying completely. No one told me the issues i would have. No one told me i would want to die because the person who meant the most to me was gone. The only one that tried to help me and tell me the truth was my nurse. Which is really sad. I was forced into putting my son up for adoption. It was the worst thing to ever happen to me and i have had a lot happen to me. I to this day get really depressed on his birthday, which is in 9 days and im already getting depressed. I miss him so much and yeah because i was forced a year after the adoption it was worse cause i had to make the choice of tearing the family apart and take him back or just let the adoption stand. I couldnt handle the idea of hurtting his family by taking him back so i let it stand and have now suffered for almost 22 years.



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pixie92
by Platinum Member on Apr. 11, 2013 at 2:57 AM
i dont think anyone means force it. The problem is there is all this free help before you adopt your child out but as soon as your done having the child and giving him up all free help ends also and when part of why you give up your child is lack of funds how are they going to seek help? Most cant afford it and then they get to go through the same crap i have and many others have all on their own. And honestly im lucky to still be here.


Quoting 2Gs:

Birthmothers who want/need counseling should get it. It should not be forced upon them no more than it should be forced upon women who abort.

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pixie92
by Platinum Member on Apr. 11, 2013 at 3:08 AM
umm excuse me my bio mother is my mother even though she gave me up same with my bio dad. I am happy to know i have so many parents thank you verry much. I am also my sons mother whether you like it or not. Glad shit worked for you but not all adopted kids feel the same as you. Also not all mothers made that choice many were and are forced into it. Sick to think the mothers feelings count? Really, you got issues. Did your feelings count when you were pregnant? Do they count now? Not all kids that were adopted out would have suffered as you seem to think. The child could have a wonderful life with the bio parent or parents you never know. Every adoption is not because the parents cant raise a child or doesnt have the money for it.


Quoting dawnnamarie:

I know that I would not have been given the opportunity to have the amazing life I have been blessed with if I would have been raised by the 15 y/o who got pregnant with me. I was adopted a week after I was born.



It's freaking sick to think that the "mother's" feeling are more important than the well-being of that child.

Also, these women who give children up for adoption are NOT mothers. It's not "their" baby. They have up those rights when they decided they couldn't raise the child. And I think the more people place such an emphasis on this idea that these women are "mothers", the harder it is on them and the more they are reminded of the child.

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