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The case AGAINST Adoption EDIT: Should Infant Adoptions be Banned?

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 Putting your child up for adoption: The financial and emotional costs by Jan Baker

Created on: May 18, 2008

"There is no cost to birth mothers," is a statement that many adoption agencies proudly announce on their websites. What they mean is that there may be no financial costs. The demand for adoptable newborns is so high that many agencies boast about all the perks available to birth mothers, including as many items as allowed by law in each state. Yes, it is often true that there are many "free" services provided to mothers who place their babies for adoption. There is free adoption counseling and free medical and hospital care. Sometimes, pregnant young women can live for free in luxurious quarters with other pregnant moms who have promised their babies to adoption.

For some pregnant women who relinquish babies to adoption, there may be virtually no financial costs. Pregnant women are wooed and courted, sometimes covertly and other times with less subtlety. The most extreme financial incentive to entice a pregnant woman to place a baby for adoption is probably the college scholarships for birth mothers. Adoption rarely features financial costs for birth mothers.

What about emotional costs? Ah, yes, there's the catch! Although a birth mother may not be hit with financial costs surrounding her unplanned pregnancy if she chooses adoption, there is a generally a profound emotional toll. Mothers who place babies for adoptions are affected in different ways, and in different degrees based on many varying factors. However, most birth mothers profoundly affected by the loss of their children.

It is crucial to understand that the loss of a child to adoption is not a singular event, but a lifelong issue that generally entails painful issues for most birth mothers. As more studies aimed at evaluating the effects of adoption on birth mothers mount, it is obvious that there are immense emotional costs to birth mothers. Most birth mothers mourn the loss of their children throughout their lives and none forget their children and move on effortlessly as they may have been assured that they would.

In fact, it is absurd to suggest that placing a child for adoption is an event that a mother "gets over" and moves on with her life unaffected. Although some proponents of open adoption suggest that this type of adoption eases the pain for birth mothers, it is not necessarily clear that this is the case for all. Open adoptions are generally thought to be better for children, but the affects on mothers who relinquish are still subject to much debate.

Birth mothers in open or closed adoptions rarely expect or are prepared for the lifelong emotional costs that they will likely suffer. After all, they are told by a myriad of people that they are doing the "right thing, the loving thing," and that the satisfaction of seeing their child happy will outweigh any temporary sadness that they might experience. Rarely are they told that their child's birthday and Mothers' Days will forever be excruciating days for them. No one mentions that for the rest of their lives that they will be required to explain their adoption decision to significant others, children and family.

Nor are women considering adoption for their child told about how their self-esteem may plummet after relinquishing their child, and how difficult it may be to ever regain. Little mention is made of the stereotypical and cruel judgments that are made of birthmothers. No one tells a young woman considering adoption for her child, that instead of her pain and sadness diminishing with time that it might just as easily increase over time. What about the regret, guilt, grief and shame that often accompany the birth mother experience? Who explains to a pregnant woman considering adoption for her child that she will pay for her deed by dealing with lifelong longings and ache for her child?

What about that missing piece of your heart that many birth mothers say exists for them? Nothing can ever replace a child in the heart of a mother, and the empty place left by a missing child remains forever. Are their emotional costs to relinquishing a child to adoption? The depth and breadth of those costs is staggering, and hard to imagine unless you have felt and lived with them yourself. Yet the emotional costs that accompany the loss of a child to adoption are real, heart-breaking and with wide-sweeping implications for the rest of a mother's life and often her child's as well.

 

by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 11:49 AM
Replies (281-286):
Ms.KitKat
by Platinum Member on Apr. 11, 2013 at 4:04 PM

 Go to the BirthMoms forum here and that'll give you an education. There is a member who goes by the name Cedar and she is a wealth of information. She will gladly share with you all the stats! along with links.

Quoting sweet-a-kins:

 stats to back this up please

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 Most first mothers would vehemtly and fiercely argue with you about their "choice." Most feel they were coerced in some way- not given the full ability to freely choose. Most feel that they did want to raise their baby but financially they were scared and did not have the emtional or financial support to be able to keep their baby who they so love. Many will say their social worker or lawyer lied to them and thereby they were forced.

Quoting GOBryan:

Ok.. but they do have the choice and if they are putting their child for adoption, it's because they can't or don't want to raise it anyway. They are not being forced afterall. 

 

 

 

Adam_JakesMomma
by Member on Apr. 11, 2013 at 8:46 PM

 Don't want to be a breeder, eh?  How about I call them what they really are, a commiter of voluntary homicide.   

I'm all for calling a spade a spade.    Sugar coating the intentional killing of another human being as a "choice you are making with your body" is making me spew vomit.   

Quoting PinkButterfly66:

Not banned but certainly the pro-lifers should stop pushing that as a substitution for adoption abortion.  It is a woman's body and her choice. A woman with an unintended or unwanted pregancy is not a breeder for the pro-life childless.  

 

pixie92
by Platinum Member on Apr. 12, 2013 at 1:01 AM
1 mom liked this
actually i say forced because no i had no other option, my mother is very good at taking away any options that dont fit her wants. You assume because i was emancipated that i had options but i didnt. Also the reason i help others with this choice is because most kids and adults didnt know what help there was for them back then. My son turns 22 this month trust me that long ago no one really knew about state help unless their parent was on it and then the knowledge of that help was even limited. All people had were friends or family for support. When you have a family that can take away all you have and get friends to not help trust me you are forced. You call it what you want but until you know what the details are you have no clue. I like adoption over abortion also but only if the mother can handle carrying the fetus to term and then giving it up. I dont believe either option should be taken away or forced on anyone.


Quoting GOBryan:

Listen, you are waayyyy off. I am not saying I know what you went through, however, you were coerced. Call it forced if you like. YOU had a choice and RIGHT to say you wanted to keep your son and because of the abuse or whatever excuse you want to justify, you didn't speak up for yourself. That is still not being forced because if you would have said no, then NO one could have made you give up your child unless the courts found you unfit. Since that doesn't seem to be the case, then you made your decision.. maybe reluctantly but still a decision. I would not imagine that it was easy and I'm sure you felt you didn't have a choice but feeling and having one are two separate matters. You still had an option to reverse it.  

Then upon adoption, you chose to leave him with the adoptive parents. That's fine also if you've made your peace with that and they are good parents providing a good life for him. 

In no way am I saying you were right or wrong. That is a personal decision you made. We're not talking about the emotional part of this. We're talking about the facts of the choices you had versus the choices or lack thereof, you "felt" you had. It still doesn't change the fact that you did have a choice if you had the gumption to assert yourself then. If it helps you cope by thinking you were indeed forced, then that's fine too. I don't doubt in your mind, you believe there was no other way, so we'll agree to disagree. 

I think adoption is a good alternative and better than abortion. It's about what's best for everyone. I rather someone say they didn't want to take care of the baby so they gave him/her for adoption than keep a child they would resent or not want. It also gives the child a chance to live and have a good life. 

Quoting pixie92:

when do you think the courts came in? With adoption there is lawyers not court. When i gave him up my parents were there through me talking to the lawyer, kinda hard to say they are forcing me especially since my mother abused me my whole life. Courts came in 14 months after i gave him up and no they said they could have him back with me in three days because i was forced. I said no cause i couldnt imagine what that would have done to that family or my son. So again where do you get off thinking you know what i went through and trying to twist what has been said?


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Lorik1969
by Bronze Member on Apr. 12, 2013 at 1:08 AM
While I'm pro-choice, I agree with you. If adoptions were banned, i could definitely see abortion rates going up.


Quoting LuvmyAiden:

So killing babies is totally cool and has NO emotional costs to the mother but adoption is bad? There are no words....


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DestinyHLewis
by Destiny on Apr. 12, 2013 at 1:10 AM
1 mom liked this


It rings true for a lot of them even if logically they know all of this. The heart is a totally different and complicated matter. ;-) Congratulations on your baby!! 

Quoting MotherofMiles:

We adopted our newborn in August. The birthmom is 19. We developed a great relationship with her and her family. While reading the article I tried to imagine if she felt that way. I personally think she knows that the baby was going to a loving couple (who couldn't have their own children) and who could provide for him in everyway, knows she did the right thing and is at peace with her decision. I hope that the article does not ring true for all birth mothers.



Lorik1969
by Bronze Member on Apr. 12, 2013 at 1:19 AM
Thankfully women have the right to choose what is best for them. That means you'll never have to have an abortion. It doesn't give you the right to judge others. But, since you are so against letting other women choose, can you tell me what you personally do to help mothers who have their baby but can't afford it? After all, if you're so vehemently against abortion you shoud be helping the children you so passionately want to be born.


Quoting Adam_JakesMomma:

 Don't want to be a breeder, eh?  How about I call them what they really are, a commiter of voluntary homicide.   


I'm all for calling a spade a spade.    Sugar coating the intentional killing of another human being as a "choice you are making with your body" is making me spew vomit.   


Quoting PinkButterfly66:


Not banned but certainly the pro-lifers should stop pushing that as a substitution for adoption abortion.  It is a woman's body and her choice. A woman with an unintended or unwanted pregancy is not a breeder for the pro-life childless.  


 


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