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spin off adoption post Case for infant adoption

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What about in cases such as ours where we adopted six infants out of foster. They were all taken from drug addicted violent bio moms. We have had them since birth. Should infant adoptions be banned? If so what happens to these babies?  It just so happens today is the 13th birthday of my adopted daughter. Her biomom had walked into a hospital six times before in full labor high as a kite and given birth only to abandon the babies and walk out. When she gave birth they took her from the bio mom and placed her with us because we already had her brother.   She is thriving beautiful and happy. So what would have happened to her if infant adoption were banned?

by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 6:24 AM
Replies (11-20):
Lurion
by Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 10:02 AM
1 mom liked this

Not necessarily a better home. Different, yes, better...? 

Simply having more money and two parents doesn't necessarily make it a better. It's not a level playing field to start. There "better" card is naturally stacked in the bio. mom's favor through DNA, family soul and bonding during pregnancy.  You can't buy that. 

I was pressured to give my daughter up and thank God every day I didn't. I KNOW that it was better for her in the long run. Even though she didn't have the white picket fence at first, I know in my heart that no other mother could have recognized and mirrored her particular personality traits and loved her like I do. 

There is a biological bond that comes with sitting at Thanksgiving table and recoginizing a whole extended family and knowing you really belong. It was enough of a blow to her growing up knowing her father that didn't want her. I wonder how deeply it would have affected her, had she had to deal with the thought that her mother didn't fight for her. 


Quoting momaof8:


it has everything to do with adoption and banning it.  Also those TERRIBLE side effects from it.  Why is it okay here and outlawed in your thread?  A better home is a better home.

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 oh for the love of pete!

The 'other" thread you speak of is not anything about a mother who abandons her baby but rather makes a parenting plan- many mothers who later believe they were coerced or forced to make this plan. These are women who wanted to parent but had no emotional or financial support to do so and only an "industry" promoting adoption.

THIS s/o, OP as I have told you 2x over is a whole 'nother story. But so glad to see you started your own thread. But please- it has nothing to do with voluntary reliquishment. 





momaof8
by Bronze Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 10:15 AM
1 mom liked this

 

In the cases I am talking about it is better. And my kids look down the Thanksgiving  table of twenty plus relatives and KNOW they belong. Make no mistake they are just as much MY children as my biokids.

Quoting Lurion:

Not necessarily a better home. Different, yes, better...? 

Simply having more money and two parents doesn't necessarily make it a better. It's not a level playing field to start. There "better" card is naturally stacked in the bio. mom's favor through DNA, family soul and bonding during pregnancy.  You can't buy that. 

I was pressured to give my daughter up and thank God every day I didn't. I KNOW that it was better for her in the long run. Even though she didn't have the white picket fence at first, I know in my heart that no other mother could have recognized and mirrored her particular personality traits and loved her like I do. 

There is a biological bond that comes with sitting at Thanksgiving table and recoginizing a whole extended family and knowing you really belong. It was enough of a blow to her growing up knowing her father that didn't want her. I wonder how deeply it would have affected her, had she had to deal with the thought that her mother didn't fight for her. 

 

Quoting momaof8:

 

it has everything to do with adoption and banning it.  Also those TERRIBLE side effects from it.  Why is it okay here and outlawed in your thread?  A better home is a better home.

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 oh for the love of pete!

The 'other" thread you speak of is not anything about a mother who abandons her baby but rather makes a parenting plan- many mothers who later believe they were coerced or forced to make this plan. These are women who wanted to parent but had no emotional or financial support to do so and only an "industry" promoting adoption.

THIS s/o, OP as I have told you 2x over is a whole 'nother story. But so glad to see you started your own thread. But please- it has nothing to do with voluntary reliquishment. 

 

 

 

 


 

Ms.KitKat
by Platinum Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 10:45 AM

 Would you mind sharing what it (either a single event or a string of events) was that made you decide to parent after the pressure you experieneced. Was it something that was said or done that made you think: I can not place? Was it a negative "something" or a positive "something"?

Quoting Lurion:

Not necessarily a better home. Different, yes, better...? 

Simply having more money and two parents doesn't necessarily make it a better. It's not a level playing field to start. There "better" card is naturally stacked in the bio. mom's favor through DNA, family soul and bonding during pregnancy.  You can't buy that. 

I was pressured to give my daughter up and thank God every day I didn't. I KNOW that it was better for her in the long run. Even though she didn't have the white picket fence at first, I know in my heart that no other mother could have recognized and mirrored her particular personality traits and loved her like I do. 

There is a biological bond that comes with sitting at Thanksgiving table and recoginizing a whole extended family and knowing you really belong. It was enough of a blow to her growing up knowing her father that didn't want her. I wonder how deeply it would have affected her, had she had to deal with the thought that her mother didn't fight for her. 

 

Quoting momaof8:

 

it has everything to do with adoption and banning it.  Also those TERRIBLE side effects from it.  Why is it okay here and outlawed in your thread?  A better home is a better home.

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 oh for the love of pete!

The 'other" thread you speak of is not anything about a mother who abandons her baby but rather makes a parenting plan- many mothers who later believe they were coerced or forced to make this plan. These are women who wanted to parent but had no emotional or financial support to do so and only an "industry" promoting adoption.

THIS s/o, OP as I have told you 2x over is a whole 'nother story. But so glad to see you started your own thread. But please- it has nothing to do with voluntary reliquishment. 

 

 

 

 

 

Lurion
by Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:28 AM

I have no doubt you have given them a wonderful, loving home! 

It's just that I work with adoption searches and hear things from so many adult adoptees about deep feelings they often don't share with their adoptive parents, no matter how much they love them. It can be great but it's not the same for them. 


Quoting momaof8:


In the cases I am talking about it is better. And my kids look down the Thanksgiving  table of twenty plus relatives and KNOW they belong. Make no mistake they are just as much MY children as my biokids.

Quoting Lurion:

Not necessarily a better home. Different, yes, better...? 

Simply having more money and two parents doesn't necessarily make it a better. It's not a level playing field to start. There "better" card is naturally stacked in the bio. mom's favor through DNA, family soul and bonding during pregnancy.  You can't buy that. 

I was pressured to give my daughter up and thank God every day I didn't. I KNOW that it was better for her in the long run. Even though she didn't have the white picket fence at first, I know in my heart that no other mother could have recognized and mirrored her particular personality traits and loved her like I do. 

There is a biological bond that comes with sitting at Thanksgiving table and recoginizing a whole extended family and knowing you really belong. It was enough of a blow to her growing up knowing her father that didn't want her. I wonder how deeply it would have affected her, had she had to deal with the thought that her mother didn't fight for her. 


Quoting momaof8:


it has everything to do with adoption and banning it.  Also those TERRIBLE side effects from it.  Why is it okay here and outlawed in your thread?  A better home is a better home.

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 oh for the love of pete!

The 'other" thread you speak of is not anything about a mother who abandons her baby but rather makes a parenting plan- many mothers who later believe they were coerced or forced to make this plan. These are women who wanted to parent but had no emotional or financial support to do so and only an "industry" promoting adoption.

THIS s/o, OP as I have told you 2x over is a whole 'nother story. But so glad to see you started your own thread. But please- it has nothing to do with voluntary reliquishment. 









futureshock
by Ruby Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:33 AM


Quoting romalove:

It is absurd to think that we should ban adoption.  This is real life.  Everyone has their "stuff".  There are tons of people who have biological children and then have issues with the kids or don't raise them right, etc.  There are tons of happy adoption stories.

People are very quick to judge.

yup

Lurion
by Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:43 AM
2 moms liked this

Thanks for asking :) 

I was 22 and in college when I got pregnant, not exactly a teen. I am from a solidly middle class family, very Catholic. The second I got pregnant, It was amazing how I went from being a bright honors student, vice president of my sorority, etc. etc., to being told there must be something deeply wrong with me, a stupid party girl, selfish and slutty. One sister said, "Oh, please you can't even take care of yourself. What are you going to do with a baby?!" I was really shocked, heartbroken and couldn't believe that people really thought that of me! It made me doubt myself. 

Of course the father did an about face and bailed right away, told me from the start he wouldn't have anything to do with raising her and I should give her up for adoption. Funny twist--he was himself adopted and I have since learned that adotpees are much more likely to repeat this pattern and abandon their children or place them for adoption.

I thank God every day, especially since getting involved with the search for my daughter's bio grandparents (father's bio mom) that I didn't make that mistake. Thank God that my mother had experience in social work and counseling, and advised me that in her professional and personal experience,  whenever possible, it's best to keep the child with the natural parents.  She worked with families where the adults were "special" and poverty-stricken, and still formed this strong opinion.  My parents also told me they would support me 100% in whatever I chose to do. That gave me the strength to do what every instinct in my being told me I wanted to do anyway, and raise my child. I was very lucky. That's why I make it a point to be vocal about supporting any other young mom to follow her own instincts. 

All those people who insulted me and said "what will you do with a baby?" Well, by her first birthday, they were all saying "We love her so much. You're such a great mom. You've really stepped up to the plate. " blah blah blah. She graduates from college this year and is beautiful, loving, kind and brilliant. I was the right person to raise her. 




Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 Would you mind sharing what it (either a single event or a string of events) was that made you decide to parent after the pressure you experieneced. Was it something that was said or done that made you think: I can not place? Was it a negative "something" or a positive "something"?

Quoting Lurion:

Not necessarily a better home. Different, yes, better...? 

Simply having more money and two parents doesn't necessarily make it a better. It's not a level playing field to start. There "better" card is naturally stacked in the bio. mom's favor through DNA, family soul and bonding during pregnancy.  You can't buy that. 

I was pressured to give my daughter up and thank God every day I didn't. I KNOW that it was better for her in the long run. Even though she didn't have the white picket fence at first, I know in my heart that no other mother could have recognized and mirrored her particular personality traits and loved her like I do. 

There is a biological bond that comes with sitting at Thanksgiving table and recoginizing a whole extended family and knowing you really belong. It was enough of a blow to her growing up knowing her father that didn't want her. I wonder how deeply it would have affected her, had she had to deal with the thought that her mother didn't fight for her. 


Quoting momaof8:


it has everything to do with adoption and banning it.  Also those TERRIBLE side effects from it.  Why is it okay here and outlawed in your thread?  A better home is a better home.

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 oh for the love of pete!

The 'other" thread you speak of is not anything about a mother who abandons her baby but rather makes a parenting plan- many mothers who later believe they were coerced or forced to make this plan. These are women who wanted to parent but had no emotional or financial support to do so and only an "industry" promoting adoption.

THIS s/o, OP as I have told you 2x over is a whole 'nother story. But so glad to see you started your own thread. But please- it has nothing to do with voluntary reliquishment. 





 



masonmomma
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:49 AM
1 mom liked this

Honestly... I think the other post is BS (obviously) BUT I think that a pregnant womens decision issues (adoption, abortion, parenting...) should be kept separate from foster care issues. IMHO, they are completely different issues, systems, reasoning for and should not be held on the same platform.

pamelax3
by Gold Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:04 PM

I agree! These are two seperate issues   


Quoting masonmomma:

Honestly... I think the other post is BS (obviously) BUT I think that a pregnant womens decision issues (adoption, abortion, parenting...) should be kept separate from foster care issues. IMHO, they are completely different issues, systems, reasoning for and should not be held on the same platform.


 

Ms.KitKat
by Platinum Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:12 PM

 Thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad you ahd the support of your family. And I am glad to know you had the kind of relationship with your family that you could go to them and allowed you the freedom and encouragement to make your choice.

I have found that so many young moms (not even teens but in their early 20's and living with their parents still) just do not even have the kind of relationship to even go to their family to seek support much less a family who would be encouarghing of their child to do what was best for them and not "the family." I

Quoting Lurion:

Thanks for asking :) 

I was 22 and in college when I got pregnant, not exactly a teen. I am from a solidly middle class family, very Catholic. The second I got pregnant, It was amazing how I went from being a bright honors student, vice president of my sorority, etc. etc., to being told there must be something deeply wrong with me, a stupid party girl, selfish and slutty. One sister said, "Oh, please you can't even take care of yourself. What are you going to do with a baby?!" I was really shocked, heartbroken and couldn't believe that people really thought that of me! It made me doubt myself. 

Of course the father did an about face and bailed right away, told me from the start he wouldn't have anything to do with raising her and I should give her up for adoption. Funny twist--he was himself adopted and I have since learned that adotpees are much more likely to repeat this pattern and abandon their children or place them for adoption.

I thank God every day, especially since getting involved with the search for my daughter's bio grandparents (father's bio mom) that I didn't make that mistake. Thank God that my mother had experience in social work and counseling, and advised me that in her professional and personal experience,  whenever possible, it's best to keep the child with the natural parents.  She worked with families where the adults were "special" and poverty-stricken, and still formed this strong opinion.  My parents also told me they would support me 100% in whatever I chose to do. That gave me the strength to do what every instinct in my being told me I wanted to do anyway, and raise my child. I was very lucky. That's why I make it a point to be vocal about supporting any other young mom to follow her own instincts. 

All those people who insulted me and said "what will you do with a baby?" Well, by her first birthday, they were all saying "We love her so much. You're such a great mom. You've really stepped up to the plate. " blah blah blah. She graduates from college this year and is beautiful, loving, kind and brilliant. I was the right person to raise her. 

 

 

 

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 Would you mind sharing what it (either a single event or a string of events) was that made you decide to parent after the pressure you experieneced. Was it something that was said or done that made you think: I can not place? Was it a negative "something" or a positive "something"?

Quoting Lurion:

Not necessarily a better home. Different, yes, better...? 

Simply having more money and two parents doesn't necessarily make it a better. It's not a level playing field to start. There "better" card is naturally stacked in the bio. mom's favor through DNA, family soul and bonding during pregnancy.  You can't buy that. 

I was pressured to give my daughter up and thank God every day I didn't. I KNOW that it was better for her in the long run. Even though she didn't have the white picket fence at first, I know in my heart that no other mother could have recognized and mirrored her particular personality traits and loved her like I do. 

There is a biological bond that comes with sitting at Thanksgiving table and recoginizing a whole extended family and knowing you really belong. It was enough of a blow to her growing up knowing her father that didn't want her. I wonder how deeply it would have affected her, had she had to deal with the thought that her mother didn't fight for her. 

 

Quoting momaof8:

 

it has everything to do with adoption and banning it.  Also those TERRIBLE side effects from it.  Why is it okay here and outlawed in your thread?  A better home is a better home.

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 oh for the love of pete!

The 'other" thread you speak of is not anything about a mother who abandons her baby but rather makes a parenting plan- many mothers who later believe they were coerced or forced to make this plan. These are women who wanted to parent but had no emotional or financial support to do so and only an "industry" promoting adoption.

THIS s/o, OP as I have told you 2x over is a whole 'nother story. But so glad to see you started your own thread. But please- it has nothing to do with voluntary reliquishment. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:16 PM

I cannot imagine any sane argument for banning infant adoption.  Or otherwise.

I obviously missed some thing, perhaps in another thread, where banning adoption was discussed.

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