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spin off adoption post Case for infant adoption

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What about in cases such as ours where we adopted six infants out of foster. They were all taken from drug addicted violent bio moms. We have had them since birth. Should infant adoptions be banned? If so what happens to these babies?  It just so happens today is the 13th birthday of my adopted daughter. Her biomom had walked into a hospital six times before in full labor high as a kite and given birth only to abandon the babies and walk out. When she gave birth they took her from the bio mom and placed her with us because we already had her brother.   She is thriving beautiful and happy. So what would have happened to her if infant adoption were banned?

by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 6:24 AM
Replies (21-30):
Lurion
by Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:38 PM
2 moms liked this

Exactly. I know it wasn't easy for my parents, embarassment-wise. I moved back in with them during the pregnancy and there was plenty of chatter in that small town.

I wrote a letter to my mom not too long ago thanking her for choosing me over appearances. She said, "it was difficult I admit, but our main concern at the time was for you and our granddaughter." 

This is why I wish there were more voices out there helping young women who feel they don't have support. If a woman chooses to relinquish her baby, it shouldn't be because she doesn't have anyone showing her how she can keep it if she wants to.

It takes hard work, resourcefulness and asking for help sometimes, but so does being a mom under the best of circumstances.  


Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 Thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad you ahd the support of your family. And I am glad to know you had the kind of relationship with your family that you could go to them and allowed you the freedom and encouragement to make your choice.

I have found that so many young moms (not even teens but in their early 20's and living with their parents still) just do not even have the kind of relationship to even go to their family to seek support much less a family who would be encouarghing of their child to do what was best for them and not "the family." I

Quoting Lurion:

Thanks for asking :) 

I was 22 and in college when I got pregnant, not exactly a teen. I am from a solidly middle class family, very Catholic. The second I got pregnant, It was amazing how I went from being a bright honors student, vice president of my sorority, etc. etc., to being told there must be something deeply wrong with me, a stupid party girl, selfish and slutty. One sister said, "Oh, please you can't even take care of yourself. What are you going to do with a baby?!" I was really shocked, heartbroken and couldn't believe that people really thought that of me! It made me doubt myself. 

Of course the father did an about face and bailed right away, told me from the start he wouldn't have anything to do with raising her and I should give her up for adoption. Funny twist--he was himself adopted and I have since learned that adotpees are much more likely to repeat this pattern and abandon their children or place them for adoption.

I thank God every day, especially since getting involved with the search for my daughter's bio grandparents (father's bio mom) that I didn't make that mistake. Thank God that my mother had experience in social work and counseling, and advised me that in her professional and personal experience,  whenever possible, it's best to keep the child with the natural parents.  She worked with families where the adults were "special" and poverty-stricken, and still formed this strong opinion.  My parents also told me they would support me 100% in whatever I chose to do. That gave me the strength to do what every instinct in my being told me I wanted to do anyway, and raise my child. I was very lucky. That's why I make it a point to be vocal about supporting any other young mom to follow her own instincts. 

All those people who insulted me and said "what will you do with a baby?" Well, by her first birthday, they were all saying "We love her so much. You're such a great mom. You've really stepped up to the plate. " blah blah blah. She graduates from college this year and is beautiful, loving, kind and brilliant. I was the right person to raise her. 




Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 Would you mind sharing what it (either a single event or a string of events) was that made you decide to parent after the pressure you experieneced. Was it something that was said or done that made you think: I can not place? Was it a negative "something" or a positive "something"?

Quoting Lurion:

Not necessarily a better home. Different, yes, better...? 

Simply having more money and two parents doesn't necessarily make it a better. It's not a level playing field to start. There "better" card is naturally stacked in the bio. mom's favor through DNA, family soul and bonding during pregnancy.  You can't buy that. 

I was pressured to give my daughter up and thank God every day I didn't. I KNOW that it was better for her in the long run. Even though she didn't have the white picket fence at first, I know in my heart that no other mother could have recognized and mirrored her particular personality traits and loved her like I do. 

There is a biological bond that comes with sitting at Thanksgiving table and recoginizing a whole extended family and knowing you really belong. It was enough of a blow to her growing up knowing her father that didn't want her. I wonder how deeply it would have affected her, had she had to deal with the thought that her mother didn't fight for her. 


Quoting momaof8:


it has everything to do with adoption and banning it.  Also those TERRIBLE side effects from it.  Why is it okay here and outlawed in your thread?  A better home is a better home.

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 oh for the love of pete!

The 'other" thread you speak of is not anything about a mother who abandons her baby but rather makes a parenting plan- many mothers who later believe they were coerced or forced to make this plan. These are women who wanted to parent but had no emotional or financial support to do so and only an "industry" promoting adoption.

THIS s/o, OP as I have told you 2x over is a whole 'nother story. But so glad to see you started your own thread. But please- it has nothing to do with voluntary reliquishment. 





 



 



Ms.KitKat
by Platinum Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 2:57 PM

 

Quoting FromAtoZ:

I cannot imagine any sane argument for banning infant adoption.  Or otherwise.

I obviously missed some thing, perhaps in another thread, where banning adoption was discussed.

 It was in the ttitle. Some people fail to grasp the concept of sarcasm and take things literally simply to further their own personal agenda   [eye roll] and instead choose to engage in arguing.

momaof8
by Bronze Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 4:31 PM

 

You are really off base  and have no way to know how OUR family feels. I KNOW FOR MY KIDS WE ARE THEIR PARENTS PERIOD. They were just a few days old when we got them and they know about the women who left them in various dangerous situations. Trust me an angry teenager hides nothing.

Quoting Lurion:

I have no doubt you have given them a wonderful, loving home! 

It's just that I work with adoption searches and hear things from so many adult adoptees about deep feelings they often don't share with their adoptive parents, no matter how much they love them. It can be great but it's not the same for them. 

 

Quoting momaof8:

 

In the cases I am talking about it is better. And my kids look down the Thanksgiving  table of twenty plus relatives and KNOW they belong. Make no mistake they are just as much MY children as my biokids.

Quoting Lurion:

Not necessarily a better home. Different, yes, better...? 

Simply having more money and two parents doesn't necessarily make it a better. It's not a level playing field to start. There "better" card is naturally stacked in the bio. mom's favor through DNA, family soul and bonding during pregnancy.  You can't buy that. 

I was pressured to give my daughter up and thank God every day I didn't. I KNOW that it was better for her in the long run. Even though she didn't have the white picket fence at first, I know in my heart that no other mother could have recognized and mirrored her particular personality traits and loved her like I do. 

There is a biological bond that comes with sitting at Thanksgiving table and recoginizing a whole extended family and knowing you really belong. It was enough of a blow to her growing up knowing her father that didn't want her. I wonder how deeply it would have affected her, had she had to deal with the thought that her mother didn't fight for her. 

 

Quoting momaof8:

 

it has everything to do with adoption and banning it.  Also those TERRIBLE side effects from it.  Why is it okay here and outlawed in your thread?  A better home is a better home.

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 oh for the love of pete!

The 'other" thread you speak of is not anything about a mother who abandons her baby but rather makes a parenting plan- many mothers who later believe they were coerced or forced to make this plan. These are women who wanted to parent but had no emotional or financial support to do so and only an "industry" promoting adoption.

THIS s/o, OP as I have told you 2x over is a whole 'nother story. But so glad to see you started your own thread. But please- it has nothing to do with voluntary reliquishment. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Lurion
by Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 4:58 PM
2 moms liked this

I wasn't commenting on you personally. You have your head in the sand if you think they won't be curious and feel a connection with their biological family, and probably want to seek them out someday. It shouldn't threaten or diminish you in any way, but this is exactly the attititude that many adoptive parents have that forces the adoptees to go "underground" with their searches as adults. Angry much?



Quoting momaof8:


You are really off base  and have no way to know how OUR family feels. I KNOW FOR MY KIDS WE ARE THEIR PARENTS PERIOD. They were just a few days old when we got them and they know about the women who left them in various dangerous situations. Trust me an angry teenager hides nothing.

Quoting Lurion:

I have no doubt you have given them a wonderful, loving home! 

It's just that I work with adoption searches and hear things from so many adult adoptees about deep feelings they often don't share with their adoptive parents, no matter how much they love them. It can be great but it's not the same for them. 


Quoting momaof8:


In the cases I am talking about it is better. And my kids look down the Thanksgiving  table of twenty plus relatives and KNOW they belong. Make no mistake they are just as much MY children as my biokids.

Quoting Lurion:

Not necessarily a better home. Different, yes, better...? 

Simply having more money and two parents doesn't necessarily make it a better. It's not a level playing field to start. There "better" card is naturally stacked in the bio. mom's favor through DNA, family soul and bonding during pregnancy.  You can't buy that. 

I was pressured to give my daughter up and thank God every day I didn't. I KNOW that it was better for her in the long run. Even though she didn't have the white picket fence at first, I know in my heart that no other mother could have recognized and mirrored her particular personality traits and loved her like I do. 

There is a biological bond that comes with sitting at Thanksgiving table and recoginizing a whole extended family and knowing you really belong. It was enough of a blow to her growing up knowing her father that didn't want her. I wonder how deeply it would have affected her, had she had to deal with the thought that her mother didn't fight for her. 


Quoting momaof8:


it has everything to do with adoption and banning it.  Also those TERRIBLE side effects from it.  Why is it okay here and outlawed in your thread?  A better home is a better home.

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 oh for the love of pete!

The 'other" thread you speak of is not anything about a mother who abandons her baby but rather makes a parenting plan- many mothers who later believe they were coerced or forced to make this plan. These are women who wanted to parent but had no emotional or financial support to do so and only an "industry" promoting adoption.

THIS s/o, OP as I have told you 2x over is a whole 'nother story. But so glad to see you started your own thread. But please- it has nothing to do with voluntary reliquishment. 













Piskie
by Bronze Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 5:41 PM
1 mom liked this
Yes.... Yes they can hide a great deal.
They look in the mirror and wonder who they look like, did their mum or dad give them their odd ears, the way their eyebrows are, their love of music or art......?
I'm sure you're a wonderful mother to them. But, you are not their only mother, and DNA counts for a lot.


Quoting momaof8:

 


You are really off base  and have no way to know how OUR family feels. I KNOW FOR MY KIDS WE ARE THEIR PARENTS PERIOD. They were just a few days old when we got them and they know about the women who left them in various dangerous situations. Trust me an angry teenager hides nothing.


Quoting Lurion:


I have no doubt you have given them a wonderful, loving home! 


It's just that I work with adoption searches and hear things from so many adult adoptees about deep feelings they often don't share with their adoptive parents, no matter how much they love them. It can be great but it's not the same for them. 


 


Quoting momaof8:


 


In the cases I am talking about it is better. And my kids look down the Thanksgiving  table of twenty plus relatives and KNOW they belong. Make no mistake they are just as much MY children as my biokids.


Quoting Lurion:


Not necessarily a better home. Different, yes, better...? 


Simply having more money and two parents doesn't necessarily make it a better. It's not a level playing field to start. There "better" card is naturally stacked in the bio. mom's favor through DNA, family soul and bonding during pregnancy.  You can't buy that. 


I was pressured to give my daughter up and thank God every day I didn't. I KNOW that it was better for her in the long run. Even though she didn't have the white picket fence at first, I know in my heart that no other mother could have recognized and mirrored her particular personality traits and loved her like I do. 


There is a biological bond that comes with sitting at Thanksgiving table and recoginizing a whole extended family and knowing you really belong. It was enough of a blow to her growing up knowing her father that didn't want her. I wonder how deeply it would have affected her, had she had to deal with the thought that her mother didn't fight for her. 


 


Quoting momaof8:


 


it has everything to do with adoption and banning it.  Also those TERRIBLE side effects from it.  Why is it okay here and outlawed in your thread?  A better home is a better home.


Quoting Ms.KitKat:


 oh for the love of pete!


The 'other" thread you speak of is not anything about a mother who abandons her baby but rather makes a parenting plan- many mothers who later believe they were coerced or forced to make this plan. These are women who wanted to parent but had no emotional or financial support to do so and only an "industry" promoting adoption.


THIS s/o, OP as I have told you 2x over is a whole 'nother story. But so glad to see you started your own thread. But please- it has nothing to do with voluntary reliquishment. 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 




 


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
onethentwins
by Bronze Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 7:13 PM
1 mom liked this

What you're talking about is exactly what adoption should be about. The children have been removed from their parents by the courts and are in need of a family. The type of adoption that you have done is commonly called Foster Adoption, despite the fact that they were infants. No one is suggesting that foster adoption should be banned. Great news that your daughter was placed with you and her brother, btw. 

The other post was referring to Domestic Infant Adoption where a woman is in crisis pregnancy and goes into a for crisis pregnancy advice. Cases where the mother is not on drugs, where the new born is not in danger from it's mother. That type of adoption is driven by money, funded by couples that want a child. And I think the overwhelming consensus was that type of adoption should be reformed not banned. 

 

momaof8
by Bronze Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 7:29 AM

I have kept as much ifo as possible on the bio moms the bio dads are unknown. One of the bio moms is dead and the other is iffy due to lifestyle choices,  I am not angry I just think you have no idea how everyadopted kid feels especially ones that were abandoned or abused by their bio parents.


Quoting Lurion:

I wasn't commenting on you personally. You have your head in the sand if you think they won't be curious and feel a connection with their biological family, and probably want to seek them out someday. It shouldn't threaten or diminish you in any way, but this is exactly the attititude that many adoptive parents have that forces the adoptees to go "underground" with their searches as adults. Angry much?

 

 

Quoting momaof8:

 

You are really off base  and have no way to know how OUR family feels. I KNOW FOR MY KIDS WE ARE THEIR PARENTS PERIOD. They were just a few days old when we got them and they know about the women who left them in various dangerous situations. Trust me an angry teenager hides nothing.

Quoting Lurion:

I have no doubt you have given them a wonderful, loving home! 

It's just that I work with adoption searches and hear things from so many adult adoptees about deep feelings they often don't share with their adoptive parents, no matter how much they love them. It can be great but it's not the same for them. 

 

Quoting momaof8:

 

In the cases I am talking about it is better. And my kids look down the Thanksgiving  table of twenty plus relatives and KNOW they belong. Make no mistake they are just as much MY children as my biokids.

Quoting Lurion:

Not necessarily a better home. Different, yes, better...? 

Simply having more money and two parents doesn't necessarily make it a better. It's not a level playing field to start. There "better" card is naturally stacked in the bio. mom's favor through DNA, family soul and bonding during pregnancy.  You can't buy that. 

I was pressured to give my daughter up and thank God every day I didn't. I KNOW that it was better for her in the long run. Even though she didn't have the white picket fence at first, I know in my heart that no other mother could have recognized and mirrored her particular personality traits and loved her like I do. 

There is a biological bond that comes with sitting at Thanksgiving table and recoginizing a whole extended family and knowing you really belong. It was enough of a blow to her growing up knowing her father that didn't want her. I wonder how deeply it would have affected her, had she had to deal with the thought that her mother didn't fight for her. 

 

Quoting momaof8:

 

it has everything to do with adoption and banning it.  Also those TERRIBLE side effects from it.  Why is it okay here and outlawed in your thread?  A better home is a better home.

Quoting Ms.KitKat:

 oh for the love of pete!

The 'other" thread you speak of is not anything about a mother who abandons her baby but rather makes a parenting plan- many mothers who later believe they were coerced or forced to make this plan. These are women who wanted to parent but had no emotional or financial support to do so and only an "industry" promoting adoption.

THIS s/o, OP as I have told you 2x over is a whole 'nother story. But so glad to see you started your own thread. But please- it has nothing to do with voluntary reliquishment. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

momaof8
by Bronze Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:13 AM

My one son was left on a street corner in a snow storm by a herione addict he almost died and was rescued by a police officer, bio mom encarcerated probably dead by now  due to a health issue and lifestyle.  My other two abandoned  minutes after birth another addict at least they were at the hospital. Third bio mom got the oportunity to get my son back while he was still foster and two she punched  him in the face so hard  she left a gaping whole where his teeth came through his cheek,  So are they dyeing to meet these women no,  Am I angry about what they did to them yes, Do I consider them mothers hell no, But I will help them search for whatever pieces are left. We have talked exstensively about this and they don't want any part of these women. The ones left anyway,

adopteeme
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 10:39 AM
No one wants children to stay with parents that have been proven a danger in abuse- neglect.
No one wants to see them stay in and age out of the FC system. No one wants to see children warehoused in orphanages. These are the children that adoption serves best. "this" is what adoption SHOULD be about.
Not the profit driven industry that convinces women while they are still pregnant that someone else- a stranger- can mother her child better than she can.
I'm pretty darn angry that adoption took me away from a perfectly good enough mother than never hurt me and gave me to a mother they had tried to screen as perfectly good enough with a pocket full of cash and infertility issues.
Veni.Vidi.Vici.
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 10:44 AM


Quoting Lurion:

Thanks for asking :) 

I was 22 and in college when I got pregnant, not exactly a teen. I am from a solidly middle class family, very Catholic. The second I got pregnant, It was amazing how I went from being a bright honors student, vice president of my sorority, etc. etc., to being told there must be something deeply wrong with me, a stupid party girl, selfish and slutty. One sister said, "Oh, please you can't even take care of yourself. What are you going to do with a baby?!" I was really shocked, heartbroken and couldn't believe that people really thought that of me! It made me doubt myself. 

Of course the father did an about face and bailed right away, told me from the start he wouldn't have anything to do with raising her and I should give her up for adoption. Funny twist--he was himself adopted and I have since learned that adotpees are much more likely to repeat this pattern and abandon their children or place them for adoption.

I thank God every day, especially since getting involved with the search for my daughter's bio grandparents (father's bio mom) that I didn't make that mistake. Thank God that my mother had experience in social work and counseling, and advised me that in her professional and personal experience,  whenever possible, it's best to keep the child with the natural parents.  She worked with families where the adults were "special" and poverty-stricken, and still formed this strong opinion.  My parents also told me they would support me 100% in whatever I chose to do. That gave me the strength to do what every instinct in my being told me I wanted to do anyway, and raise my child. I was very lucky. That's why I make it a point to be vocal about supporting any other young mom to follow her own instincts. 

All those people who insulted me and said "what will you do with a baby?" Well, by her first birthday, they were all saying "We love her so much. You're such a great mom. You've really stepped up to the plate. " blah blah blah. She graduates from college this year and is beautiful, loving, kind and brilliant. I was the right person to raise her. 

thanks for sharing that!

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