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Do you believe he can change? 


This debate really interests me. Mainly because i have such an unpopular opinion :P 


I believe ANYONE can change. 

I do believe there are people out there who will not and cannot change. 


But I dont agree when i see people say 'Abusive men cant change' 

Because that is not true, they can and have. not all certainly. And probably not even most. 


but to say that ALL abusive men are doomed to escalate and become a killer, is just extremist, and not true IMO


What are your thoughts? 

by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 7:30 PM
Replies (11-20):
Mommy2BeAmy
by Silver Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:00 PM
1 mom liked this

Wow, so sad but its great that he has changed and now has great influences in his life!!!

We are also now together for 6 years too since November. Hope all goes well in the future for you two!!

Quoting JP-StrongForTwo:

Yeah thats what happened with us too. i left him and was gone for two years, he got counselling and anger management and AA, and picked his life up off the floor. AND cut contact with his abusive mother! Thank god All his life she was emotionally, sexually, verbally, physically and even financially abusive until he met me well into adulthood. he has a LOT of problems because of it) 

Once he lost contact with her, spent more time with his older brother (a good man with a family and normal life away from their mother) i went to school, and then we slowly started over. we just had our 6 year anniveresary.

Im glad it worked out for you and your husband! 

Quoting Mommy2BeAmy:

Yes they can change, but they need to have a wake up call that makes them make the first move, the first way to change is to recognize your faults, then you will address them. 

My husband was emotionally abusive, like BAD. I told his parents and threatened to leave him and the things his parents said to him were so powerful, he broke down, cried, became very passionate, spilled his feelings for me and couldn't say sorry enough. He hasn't said anything to hurt me ever again, it's been 2 years. Thankfully, mine was something that cleared up easily. But from my experience, YES it can happen.

also, abusiveness can be a hormonal thing. Sometimes it takes a medical examination to figure out what causes temper changes and anger, a medication or procedure can control it. There are many things and many ways for abusiveness to be addressed and corrected. 




katy_kay08
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:20 PM
9 moms liked this

Sure I think some can change but I'm not sure it's worth the risk to give any abusive man the benefit of the doubt.  I say let him change alone.    

Some bets aren't worth taking, especially when what you are betting with is your safety and your life.  

ruggy03
by New Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:29 PM
2 moms liked this
WOW why do I always feel like the bitch on here.abuse is abuse mental,physical,emotional.any man who has those traits have those traits.is it worth the risk?great for a few years then snap...I dont believe people change i think they adapt to their surroundings and appease but change No....I know BOOOOO RUGGY
lga1965
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:39 PM
2 moms liked this

 

Quoting ruggy03:

WOW why do I always feel like the bitch on here.abuse is abuse mental,physical,emotional.any man who has those traits have those traits.is it worth the risk?great for a few years then snap...I dont believe people change i think they adapt to their surroundings and appease but change No....I know BOOOOO RUGGY

 I agree.

Emotional abuse is just as bad except that you can't SEE the bruises. I don't believe that kind of man will change either .ANY abusive man who either hits you or makes you feel like a worthless human being MIGHT change but if after years, he hasn't then you leave. Particularly if they won't go to counseling and tell you that everything is always your fault. They might make an effort for a while if you give them an ultimatum but it doesn't last.It is self defeating to stay.

soonergirl980
by Silver Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:42 PM

I have to agree and a lot of times it seems when they "change" it's really just others namely the woman making excuses for him.


Quoting ruggy03:

WOW why do I always feel like the bitch on here.abuse is abuse mental,physical,emotional.any man who has those traits have those traits.is it worth the risk?great for a few years then snap...I dont believe people change i think they adapt to their surroundings and appease but change No....I know BOOOOO RUGGY



viv212
by Gold Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:50 PM
1 mom liked this
I believe it. They're surrounded by enablers. My ex used to tell me that in normal relationships, this is how the guy treats the girl, and calls her a bitch. Completely normal. They can't change.

Quoting soonergirl980:

My ex was the same way he was raised that he could do no wrong and if he did do something wrong it was someone elses fault. His brother went to prision for rape but to listen to his family tell it he never even met the girl it was all a set up. Mind you the rape resulted in a pregnancy with him being the father a 99.7%.



Quoting viv212:

There is that 1% that can and will change. The majority will not change. My ex was borderline sociopath. How can they change when it's normal killing family pets and choking "a bitch out" - its like choosing what to eat for dinner.




Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Euphoric
by Bazinga! on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:20 PM
1 mom liked this

 I'm sure they could, but I already left an abusive relationship years ago, change or not, I wouldn't go back.

Euphoric
by Bazinga! on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:21 PM
1 mom liked this

 I wholeheartedly agree.

Quoting katy_kay08:

Sure I think some can change but I'm not sure it's worth the risk to give any abusive man the benefit of the doubt.  I say let him change alone.    

Some bets aren't worth taking, especially when what you are betting with is your safety and your life.  

 

www.cafemom.com/group/116692
Debmomto2girls
by Platinum Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:24 PM
No. Never. Only a fool thinks a wife beater will change. And I never want my dd's thinking it is ever okay. One hit anD you leave!
Debmomto2girls
by Platinum Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:26 PM
Quoting Mommy2BeAmy:

Yes they can change, but they need to have a wake up call that makes them make the first move, the first way to change is to recognize your faults, then you will address them. 

My husband was emotionally abusive, like BAD. I told his parents and threatened to leave him and the things his parents said to him were so powerful, he broke down, cried, became very passionate, spilled his feelings for me and couldn't say sorry enough. He hasn't said anything to hurt me ever again, it's been 2 years. Thankfully, mine was something that cleared up easily. But from my experience, YES it can happen.

also, abusiveness can be a hormonal thing. Sometimes it takes a medical examination to figure out what causes temper changes and anger, a medication or procedure can control it. There are many things and many ways for abusiveness to be addressed and corrected. 


Did her get therapy?

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