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There's a he can change post that may give someone being abused false hope.

Anyone been abused and left?  

It would be great to hear survival stories.  :)

by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 11:59 AM
Replies (31-40):
jllcali
by Jane on Feb. 12, 2013 at 12:29 AM
1 mom liked this
My DD's father was abusive. He was an excellent manipulator and controlling, mentally and occasionally physically abusive. We had what I thought was a decent relationship, until we got engaged. Then he started acting like a total asshole. I was going to leave him, I was waiting to figure out where I was going to go and if I wanted to try to get him into counseling, when I found out I was pregnant. My first thought was "go to canada" but I didn't think it would be fair to my child to raise her without a father. So I told him. He started acting human again, so like a fucking idiot, I thought he had changed. After my daughter was born, things slowly started escalating again. It came to a head a month before her second birthday, and I left the state with her. After about 7 months, during which he had been going to counseling, I came back, for the sake of our daughter. He agreed to continue to go to counseling, but after a few visits, he stopped going and refused to keep going saying his therapist said "he would not benefit from further counseling" so I left him again. It's been over 2 years. I'm over him. But I'm not over what I let him do to me.
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muslimahpj
by Ruby Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 2:30 AM
1 mom liked this

I was verbally and emotionally abused in the past. My first husband was very controlling and very verbally abusive. I left once, went back and in less than a year I was gone for good.

My second husband is an alcoholic, there was a lot of manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse. He would act like he was going to hit me, but, he never did. He would tear things up in the house instead. Took me 6 yrs to get away from him. We didnt even live together for 2 yrs of the marriage. After moving back in together, within about 6 months, we were divorced. I cant tell you how many times I heard the promise, I will stop, I will change, please, yada yada, yada. It never ends. It's been about 4 yrs since our divorce and he is still doing the same thing, drinking and going to jail. 

Debmomto2girls
by Platinum Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 7:03 AM
2 moms liked this
I think it is nearly impossible and I wouldn't wait around hoping for change. I think if anything maybe for future relationships with intense therapy someone can change but if I were beig abused it would be the end

Quoting LindaClement:

They can change.

Swearing to it is unlikely to be the method that works. In fact, most people change in silence.

Quoting Debmomto2girls:

My sister was by her first dh. He swore he would change, bullshit. She did leave and married a wonderful man. Her abuser remarried and did the same thing.



They do not change


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tooptimistic
by Kelly on Feb. 12, 2013 at 9:45 AM


I didn't know that.  Sorry PJ

Quoting muslimahpj:

I was verbally and emotionally abused in the past. My first husband was very controlling and very verbally abusive. I left once, went back and in less than a year I was gone for good.

My second husband is an alcoholic, there was a lot of manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse. He would act like he was going to hit me, but, he never did. He would tear things up in the house instead. Took me 6 yrs to get away from him. We didnt even live together for 2 yrs of the marriage. After moving back in together, within about 6 months, we were divorced. I cant tell you how many times I heard the promise, I will stop, I will change, please, yada yada, yada. It never ends. It's been about 4 yrs since our divorce and he is still doing the same thing, drinking and going to jail. 



Jalestra
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 10:30 AM
1 mom liked this

My ex hit me once and I hit him back, harder and then left him. I don't put up with that shit. However, I'd like to share a VERY empowering story about a woman who left her abuser. I love sharing this story.

I used to live in this small town. After I moved in with a boyfriend, I noticed I lived across the street from Daphne (names changed to protect the innocent). Now, we all knew about Daphne. Her husband beat the shit out of her all the time. 

Daphne was about 5'2" tall, max. Her husband was 6' and very burly. At the age of 13 Daphne's mom hooked her up with Jim. At 15 Daphne's mom pushed her to marry Jim and signed the papers. Jim made Daphne quit school immediately. Over the next 16-17 years they had two boys. So by the time I came around Daphne had been with him for many years, had no education, no training, and 2 little boys. He beat her all the time. That was back when I could hear, so you could sit on the porch and just listen to the crap going on across the street. Now, we didn't live in a shitty neighborhood or anything, it was just them. It'd just break your heart because you knew that big SoB was beating the hell out of this tiny woman. But you can't do anything. Even if you were to bash through the door and "save" her, we all know how that works out. 

One day Jim decided a change of venue was in order (more likely he couldn't wait until they were in the house) and beat her outside in their driveway. I was sitting on my porch when they pulled up and I saw him yank her out by her hair and throw her onto the driveway. Then he punched her. You know, I watched this shit with my mom for years, I'm not even about to sit out there and watch this shit again. So I reached inside my doorway and grabbed the bat, because once it's outside it's legal. Jim, probably stoned on something, didn't see me coming and I hit him as hard as I could in the back with that bat and then hit him a couple of more times to keep him down. I remember, since I was a mouthy bitch, spouting off something like "Now a woman's beating you". The cops come, took our statement and took Jim. They held him for 3 days (I think he ended up causing trouble at jail or as they took him..he was stoned and that just made him more belligerent). 

A couple of hours later, I'm sitting on my porch with Ray (my guy) when I see her come out with both boys. She's pulling a suitcase on wheels and the boys each have 2 bags. I found out later that she had all the boys' clothes in that suitcase and they were carrying their toys. She didn't take the car in the driveway (and yes, she knew how to drive and had a license). She didn't take her clothes. She just walked out. I didn't see or hear anything about her for 2 weeks. Quite a feat in our town. To this day I have no idea where she was or what she was doing. Then I see her one day. I was visiting a friend and at the house on the corner there she was. Mowing their lawn while her boys played on the porch. After that I'd see her all over town, mowing lawns. Turns out she was mowing lawns and cleaning houses for money. The guy who ran the local shitty apartments found out she was homeless and let her have one so her boys would be off the street. He says she paid him back for the 2 months they lived there rent free, but that was later. (The apartments were shitty, but he was a decent guy. He helped all kinds of folks) Anyhow, she never went back. A year later I saw her with this hot cowboy...and my first thought was "ah shit...same shit different day". Nope. I realized that I'd never seen her smile before. You saw it all the time now. And she'd talk to people. This woman wouldn't talk to ANYBODY, and she wasn't a chatterbox now, but she'd at least talk. She might duck her head and talk low, but at least she was talking. She gained weight, not fat. But you know you looked at her later and it kind of hit you how before she was terribly unhealthy and thin looking. She looked really good now. Her and that cowboy are married now and she's still smiling. The boys are happy and she's had a couple more kids. 

She's doing good. If she can do it, anyone can. She's totally my hero. Normally I wouldn't say that about an abused woman...but y'know..she got pushed into this at 13, had no education, no training, no way of knowing she could support her and her kids. She left anyhow. Yeah, it took her a long time, but put yourself in that situation. 13 and you don't know shit about anything, but your MOM shoves you off on this guy and tells you to marry him later, no education, no idea you'll be able to get food or a home or something and she did it anyhow. Talk about jumping without a net.

AdrianneHill
by Platinum Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 10:41 AM
2 moms liked this
I only got hit once and I was early twenties or late teens. He wasn't a real boyfriend, just a male friend I was sleeping with and we were driving in heavy traffic. He hit me lightly in the face for taking a wrong turn and he laughed and made a joke and my friends laughed in the back seat. They quit laughing when I stopped the car in the middle of the busy street and put it in park. I was so furious, I was willing to kill us all. I said that they all sucked but we weren't moving until that motherfucker was out of my car. My friends were surprised because apparently they'd never met a girl with a one strike and you're out policy. I eventually moved the car when it became obvious that death was more than an option on that street.

He stayed in the car but with a renewed sense of fewer or respect for me.

And the decision to put my foot down actually changed me enough to change the behaviors of the guys around me. Guys who used to think that bowing up at me would win an argument stopped even trying it and it was ten years before I had to come into contact with another. He learned fast that was an intolerable behavior that simply resulted in me leaving at the first possible second.

I blame it on my positive male role models as a child. I put up with a lot of shit I don't wish on anyone growing up as the only female child of a dozen cousins, but I was also taught by them all on a constant basis that a hand on me in anger was something the family wouldn't tolerate and they'd kill whomever on general principle alone. If I didn't want my decisions taken away, then it was up to me to keep those bastards away from me in the first place.
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LindaClement
by Thatwoman on Feb. 12, 2013 at 1:38 PM

I wouldn't wait around hoping, either.

Hope is the most important tool of the con artist. Without hope, there are sensible things like odds, probability and reality.

Change is not nearly impossible, it's actually remarkably easy (people do it all the time, mostly without noticing) --changing in ways that acknowledge wrongdoing and harm, away from a narcissistic view of the world to one that involves thinking of other people is unlikely because it's unattractive. Besides, for a lot of 'them' the thinking is very much 'this works and if people have a problem with it, it's not my problem.' 

First, they have to see a problem with themselves --and mostly they're so defended against the possibility that they could ever be wrong at all, that's simply not going to come to them.

Quoting Debmomto2girls:

I think it is nearly impossible and I wouldn't wait around hoping for change. I think if anything maybe for future relationships with intense therapy someone can change but if I were beig abused it would be the end

Quoting LindaClement:

They can change.

Swearing to it is unlikely to be the method that works. In fact, most people change in silence.

Quoting Debmomto2girls:

My sister was by her first dh. He swore he would change, bullshit. She did leave and married a wonderful man. Her abuser remarried and did the same thing.



They do not change



survivorinohio
by René on Feb. 12, 2013 at 1:44 PM

:(  (((((HUGS)))))

Quoting muslimahpj:

I was verbally and emotionally abused in the past. My first husband was very controlling and very verbally abusive. I left once, went back and in less than a year I was gone for good.

My second husband is an alcoholic, there was a lot of manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse. He would act like he was going to hit me, but, he never did. He would tear things up in the house instead. Took me 6 yrs to get away from him. We didnt even live together for 2 yrs of the marriage. After moving back in together, within about 6 months, we were divorced. I cant tell you how many times I heard the promise, I will stop, I will change, please, yada yada, yada. It never ends. It's been about 4 yrs since our divorce and he is still doing the same thing, drinking and going to jail. 


How far you go in life depends on your being: tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of both the weak and strong.  Because someday in life you would have been one or all of these.  GeorgeWashingtonCarver


mommy242012
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 1:51 PM
1 mom liked this
I was abused for 5 years by my ex, sexually, emotionally, physically and mentally he tortured me. I finally left when I asked for my sons coat and shoes and he demanded I tell him where I was going. And i was afraid for my kids safety. At the end of this month it will be a year since I left and I am only now getting back to my old self. He littetally beat everything out of me and made me feel worthless and no good. So its been a long year but so glad my kids don't have to witness any more hurt towards their mother.
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survivorinohio
by René on Feb. 12, 2013 at 1:55 PM
1 mom liked this

((((HUGS))))

Quoting jllcali:

My DD's father was abusive. He was an excellent manipulator and controlling, mentally and occasionally physically abusive. We had what I thought was a decent relationship, until we got engaged. Then he started acting like a total asshole. I was going to leave him, I was waiting to figure out where I was going to go and if I wanted to try to get him into counseling, when I found out I was pregnant. My first thought was "go to canada" but I didn't think it would be fair to my child to raise her without a father. So I told him. He started acting human again, so like a fucking idiot, I thought he had changed. After my daughter was born, things slowly started escalating again. It came to a head a month before her second birthday, and I left the state with her. After about 7 months, during which he had been going to counseling, I came back, for the sake of our daughter. He agreed to continue to go to counseling, but after a few visits, he stopped going and refused to keep going saying his therapist said "he would not benefit from further counseling" so I left him again. It's been over 2 years. I'm over him. But I'm not over what I let him do to me.


How far you go in life depends on your being: tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of both the weak and strong.  Because someday in life you would have been one or all of these.  GeorgeWashingtonCarver


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