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Pro-Choice and Chose Life, Now Paying the Price

Posted by on Mar. 29, 2013 at 3:14 AM
  • 19 Replies
My younger son, about to turn 5yrs, had his physical therapy assessment today. According to the testing he not only has the mind of a 2-3yr old but he only has the gross motor skills of about a 1-2yr old. It's just frustrating, he tries so hard and we try so hard yet he's still so far behind. It's got me really worried about starting him in kindy this coming year, i'm really thinking we should hold him out a year until he's caught up a bit more but my husband insists we let him start this year.

I just want to cry for him, we do everything we can yet it seems it's never enough to really help him. He's been in speech for over 6 months with very little advancement to show for it, his OT has helped a bit but not a whole lot yet and he starts PT next Monday. I'm just so worried about his future and how difficult it will be for him to stay caught up enough.

I guess the worst for me is that it's all my fault, they told us at 13wks that he'd have major issues due to the constant blood loss and that we should end it, but i refused. So every new problem that crops up is another hit, that i did this to him, i let this happen, i made this choice and now he's paying the price for it. All i can do is hope that when he grows up and finds out, as he will from some family member or another, that he won't hate me.
by on Mar. 29, 2013 at 3:14 AM
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Replies (1-10):
pixie92
by Platinum Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 3:36 AM
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you made the choice you thought was right and as long as you love him and take care of him he wont hate you. I know cause my parents choice was to have me and give me up for adoption. I was abuised and yes at times wish they would have just aborted me but they did what they thought was right and i dont hate them or even hold them responcible. Its tough but hang in there things will always work out the way they are meant to.
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turtle68
by Mahinaarangi on Mar. 29, 2013 at 3:45 AM
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Doctors get it wrong all the time....if you wanted your baby, there is no mistake made :-)

Its a long road and you sound like its a rough one for now.....My niece had similar thoughts when she had to make a decision for her small son, he now has some issues that he may never grow out of..both physically as well as mentally and she worries ....but one day he looked up at her smiled and said mum.  She melted and it washed away any thought of anything.

stay strong and those moments in life will be all that is needed for you to know that your decision was always right :-)

partingwhisper
by on Mar. 29, 2013 at 3:46 AM
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i am so so sorry for your heartbreak and worry for your child;s future. but you could not have truly known that choosing to continue the pregnancy wouldl result in htese delays for him . you have to not blame yourself and simply fight to make sure he gets all the therapy and support he needs. 

Arroree
by Ruby Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 3:52 AM



Quoting pixie92:

you made the choice you thought was right and as long as you love him and take care of him he wont hate you. I know cause my parents choice was to have me and give me up for adoption. I was abuised and yes at times wish they would have just aborted me but they did what they thought was right and i dont hate them or even hold them responcible. Its tough but hang in there things will always work out the way they are meant to.

*hugs* thanks hon. It's just been a rollercoaster ride since the day i got pregnant with him, one day up the other down so far i could swear the ground was above us.


Arroree
by Ruby Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 4:02 AM
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Quoting turtle68:

Doctors get it wrong all the time....if you wanted your baby, there is no mistake made :-)

Its a long road and you sound like its a rough one for now.....My niece had similar thoughts when she had to make a decision for her small son, he now has some issues that he may never grow out of..both physically as well as mentally and she worries ....but one day he looked up at her smiled and said mum.  She melted and it washed away any thought of anything.

stay strong and those moments in life will be all that is needed for you to know that your decision was always right :-)

Once he learns something he's got it, no matter how complex it may seem, he's a little electronic genius lol. But, and this is a big but, until he learns it it may as well be a totally alien concept to him, but he's willing to give it the ol college try anyway :)

The other day he came to me and snuggled into me, told me "mom you're a gananama gaw"  I had no clue what he was saying, so i said "what?" and he told me again "you're a gananama gaw". This went on for about 3 mintues, him repeating it and me being completely confused. Suddenly it clicked that the way he was acting and the tone of voice, he was telling me I was a "dynamite gal" like Fix It Felix in the movie Wreck It Ralph that he'd been watching recently. 

When i finally got it he gave me that look like "well duh" LOL.



Arroree
by Ruby Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 4:04 AM
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Quoting partingwhisper:

i am so so sorry for your heartbreak and worry for your child;s future. but you could not have truly known that choosing to continue the pregnancy wouldl result in htese delays for him . you have to not blame yourself and simply fight to make sure he gets all the therapy and support he needs. 

*hugs* thank you.

Luckily my state is great about helping children with disabilities so we're able to get him in for all the help he needs and there are more than enough clinics to help all the disabled children *shorter wait times for a therapist here*  Otherwise things would be so much worse.


partingwhisper
by on Mar. 29, 2013 at 4:07 AM


we are fortunate too that we live in wisconsin. its one of the top states for autism therapy needs. 

Quoting Arroree:



Quoting partingwhisper:

i am so so sorry for your heartbreak and worry for your child;s future. but you could not have truly known that choosing to continue the pregnancy wouldl result in htese delays for him . you have to not blame yourself and simply fight to make sure he gets all the therapy and support he needs. 

*hugs* thank you.

Luckily my state is great about helping children with disabilities so we're able to get him in for all the help he needs and there are more than enough clinics to help all the disabled children *shorter wait times for a therapist here*  Otherwise things would be so much worse.




3JuJu3
by on Mar. 29, 2013 at 4:28 AM
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First, you are doing your best to give your child the best opportunity they can have at this age.  This is to be commended.  

Second, don't beat yourself up over whether you chose to have or not have a child.  You chose to have him despite the possible consequences.  This is neither a pro-choice or pro-life statement.  I had an abortion so I'm not just feeding you lip service.  You chose to have your son knowing that he could be "less than perfect" or whatever that means.  That is a commendable thing.  It is not bad.  Don't ever think it is.

Third, don't think about what a disservice you did to him by having him be born.  You don't know his potential yet.  Yes, he may not be like other kids.  He may not have the same abilities as other kids.  This doesn't mean that he doesn't have his own unique life that is worthy to him.  Look at this link (you have to paste it into a new browser): businessinsider.com/inforgraphic-the-odds-of-being-alive-2012-6     

This shows you how unlikely it is to even be born at all.  No matter what physical or mental condition your child is in, he is so fortunate to have experienced this world at all because the odds of him or anyone being born is amazing.  It really makes your life worthwhile if you think of it.

And lastly, physically, all of our atoms are made of the same material that stars are made of.  It doesn't matter what your religion or belief system is, this is a scientific fact.  We are made of star-stuff.  lifeslittlemysteries.com/864-humans-really-made-of-stars.html        

That alone makes us, and everything carbon based thing around us, truly amazing.  I can understand how you would feel frustrated, guilty, disappointed, and who knows what else that your son is going through difficulties.  But life is beautiful and life is amazing, and it is not any less for you or your son because of this.  I can already tell that you are a good mother.  Allow yourself to appreciate that.  My best wishes to you and your family.  

AdrianneHill
by Platinum Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 10:37 AM
I truly know how you feel. My health was bad and I was old and my husband did NOT want any kids but I wouldn't listen. Now he's almost three and he doesn't speak any better than an eighteen month old. He's had over a year of speech therapy. His first two months were in the hospital nursery because he refused to eat. He refused to eat from a bottle until he made it to his actual due date. Two days before he was released from the hospital, he developed colic so I took an angry, colicky baby home from the hospital. Never had a "sweet newborn", don't think they are real. What if I ruined his ability to connect with others and let's not even talk about the family history of depression and mental illness? What have I done to him? Why was I so selfish and insisted on having a baby I knew I wasn't good enough to take care of?
How much of that is my specific fault? Am I retarding his growth now by still giving him a sippy cup because I'm too lazy for the constant spills? Am I keeping him from talking because I don't make him do it again and again? There are days when he literally doesn't say a word for hours. The only solace (after three doctors told me there was nothing autistic about him) I had was that both of his speech therapists said that they think he has the ability to do anything, just not the inclination. So he is just as stubborn as the rest of our family. It can't be good for him that I've spent the last two months crying constantly because I don't know how to fix it. I'm a stay at home mother because I didn't want to inflict him on other people especially when he was young and had colic. At least he seems very happy but how long will that last when his mother can't stop sobbing all of the time?

I'm sorry this happened and I hope you both can be happy, no matter what the outcome is. I'm really sorry and hope for the best
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Sisteract
by Whoopie on Mar. 29, 2013 at 10:45 AM

Hard choice..many would have made the same decision.

I work with seriously ill and damaged  (permanently) infants, and what I find is that parents who want everything done are making that decision based on an infant and looking at said infant VS other infants and not thinking about the long term capabilities and ramifications of caring for and providing ($) for such in the long term. All babies are needy and fairly easy to physically manage. The same can not be said for 8, 10 or 25 year olds.

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