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The truth about divorce reform! Take action against proposed anti-family legislation.

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       Very important message to women who choose to stay at home to raise their children in the state of Florida:  

      Please visit this website and read about the recently signed legislation to end permanent alimony and revise custody laws in the state of Florida, and then sign the petition to ask the Governor to veto this bill. 

     Please take action to help protect women and children from this self-serving, biased and anti-family legislation

      The proposed legislation, if  passed, would be a serious deterrent to mothers who sacrifice their careers and limit their future earnings potentials to commit themselves to raising their children full-time.

        Please visit the website at:   http://www.truthaboutflalimony.com/   

        Tell Governor Rick Scott to veto the proposed divorce legislation which would have devastating and far-reaching consequences for families, and especially for stay at home moms and children..

     You can also post a comment to explain your objections to this unfair and anti-family legislation, and read the many comments posted by petitioners.    


         Thank you


     

by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 4:51 AM
Replies (91-100):
LindaClement
by Linda on Apr. 23, 2013 at 12:57 PM

Unless that 'deal' was spelled out in a legally-binding contract, I'm with macbudsmom: she CHOSE to agree to it, she was never forced into anything. Whatever mitigating circumstances she believed would prevail, and she would end up 'fine' are her dreamland, and not the job of any Papa Government to take care of for her...

I don't 'blame' anyone: I hold people responsible for their choices.

If she was unhappy with her negotiations, it's no one's job but hers to see to it that they're re-negotiated, or the deal is dissolved. 

The thing is: she'd be in exactly the same position if he'd died without insurance... a very real scenario for a huge number of people all over the world since the dawn of time. Then, she wouldn't have someone else to take to court and spend all her time and energy trying to 'make' culpable for her own decisions and their fallout.

I was engaged at 16, and married at 19, and I have been a SAHM the entirety of our children's lives. I am now assembling 'work for pay' in a more active way than I have in the past... but if something goes horribly wrong with 'how it's been so far' I will deal with it. Without the state's very helpful interference/protection, ta very much. Exactly as I would have done all the way along.

I am annoyed by the patronizing attitude of people who believe that, fundamentally, women can't possibly cope --especially if they've 'only' been homemakers up to now. 

Just because 'the State' is incapable of recognizing the range and depth of skills and management abilities necessary to doing that job well doesn't mean there aren't any --or that they're not skills and abilities that are marketable in the workplace. For real money, in 'real' jobs.

Quoting Jack_Squat:

No. They were young, fell in love, and couldn't afford to both go to college, and had a firm agreement that she would get her chance later down the road. I wish I could live in this black and white world some of you seem to think exists. And of course, you solely placed all of the blame on this poor woman when it takes TWO to be in a marriage, and he was unfaithful and struck her. Thankfully, the laws in my state protect women from this situation (as well as men if they are in this woman's position)


Quoting macbudsmom:

And thats wrong... She chose to get married and make babies before getting an education... Her poor choices put her in the position of being unable to provide for herself.



Quoting Jack_Squat:

Thankfully, I live in a state that partially goes by a standard of living policy, and would qualify for long term alimony. :)



Our state protects women and children. I remember our friends who were married for roughly 15 years. She gave up her entire life to support his schooling and career, with the agreement that when their children were teens, she could go to college and begin her own career. Highschool sweethearts. After 15 years of her waiting patiently on the sidelines, model wife and mother, she found the other woman's underwear in the seat of his truck while she was cleaning it for him. She confronted him, audio recorded it, and he hit her. She filed for divorce the next day. Because of the standard of living policies, and the fact she scrificed so he could further his education and career, plus his infidelity, she was granted hefty long term alimony so she and her children could have the same standard of living they were used to, and she could finally get a college education. She is now more successful than he ever was, and he is still paying alimony.







Quoting pansyprincess:

 It doesn't matter.  If your husband changed his mind, which you admit that he changed after marriage, and decided to divorce you, the law is not on your side.  So you might want to consider that. 



Lifetime alimony is ridiculous.  The only people that I could see supporting this are people that don't want to work ever, and want someone else to pick up the tab.






Quoting Jack_Squat:

Of course I take responsibility. I chose to keep my family in tact when given an ultimatum. I hold marriage in high regard, and it drives me batty when people treat it frivolously. You make sacrifices for your spouse, period, and those sacrifices should be taken into consideration. I already stated that neither my husband nor myself believe in divorce. I'm speaking hypothetically. Then again, we have a somewhat unique financial situation that I'm aware not all people have. It wouldn't hurt him one bit to pay alimony for the rest of my life, and neither of us would have to buy or rent a new home.




Quoting pansyprincess:

So you take no responsiblity? You married a sexist, and he forced you to stay home? Seems like you are blaming your spouse for your lack of backbone in making something of yourself.




If two parents make the decision for the mom to stay home and raise in the kids (or the day) the other parent should pay alimony for a short amount of time until the other parent starts working.




Why does he have to take care of you? Are you incapable of doing that yourself? Once you divorce, you are not his problem. His children of course are. So that is why child support is paid until 18. But you need to take some responsibility for your own life.




Once a divorce happens, no one still has the same life. You somehow expect your husband to pay for your house, and his new house? For your bills and his new bills? What about if he wants to marry and start a new life? You are no longer his problem. You are your problem. Figure it out.




Quoting Jack_Squat:

I must be a weirdo because I feel that if I have to sit at home and never make anything of myself because my husband has a sexist point of view for years, then he should pay alimony until I get remarried or the kids are grown. I have always been a firm believer that the wife and children should be afforded the same standard of living after a divorce in cases like these. However, I am speaking primarily from my own experiences in my own marriage.
















Jack_Squat
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 12:57 PM
Because we both sacrifice for our marriage. Why is this such a hard concept? Lol

For instance, hitting me is a deal breaker for me, therefore he doesn't hit me. (Crappy analogy because he never would lol). What I mean is, it's something he feels so strongly about that he can't deal with it in marriage. Therefore, it's up to me to decide which is more important? A career or my family? Of course, I'm willing to sacrifice that for my family. They aren't expendable like a job is. Marriage is a 2 way street and we both make sacrifices and have our 'things' that we can't deal with.


Quoting chloedee:

If neither of you believe in divorce, how is you working a "deal breaker"? Given that you won't divorce, wouldn't he just learn to suck it up?




Quoting Jack_Squat:

Of course I take responsibility. I chose to keep my family in tact when given an ultimatum. I hold marriage in high regard, and it drives me batty when people treat it frivolously. You make sacrifices for your spouse, period, and those sacrifices should be taken into consideration. I already stated that neither my husband nor myself believe in divorce. I'm speaking hypothetically. Then again, we have a somewhat unique financial situation that I'm aware not all people have. It wouldn't hurt him one bit to pay alimony for the rest of my life, and neither of us would have to buy or rent a new home.






Quoting pansyprincess:

So you take no responsiblity? You married a sexist, and he forced you to stay home? Seems like you are blaming your spouse for your lack of backbone in making something of yourself.










If two parents make the decision for the mom to stay home and raise in the kids (or the day) the other parent should pay alimony for a short amount of time until the other parent starts working.










Why does he have to take care of you? Are you incapable of doing that yourself? Once you divorce, you are not his problem. His children of course are. So that is why child support is paid until 18. But you need to take some responsibility for your own life.










Once a divorce happens, no one still has the same life. You somehow expect your husband to pay for your house, and his new house? For your bills and his new bills? What about if he wants to marry and start a new life? You are no longer his problem. You are your problem. Figure it out.






Quoting Jack_Squat:

I must be a weirdo because I feel that if I have to sit at home and never make anything of myself because my husband has a sexist point of view for years, then he should pay alimony until I get remarried or the kids are grown. I have always been a firm believer that the wife and children should be afforded the same standard of living after a divorce in cases like these. However, I am speaking primarily from my own experiences in my own marriage.







Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Jack_Squat
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:05 PM
She was perfectly happy with their arrangement. What she was not ok with was adultery and being hit. These people are extremely well off, which is why the standard of living came into play. Of course she was capable. The woman has more guts and iron than just about any woman I've ever met, hence the reason she has made something of herself since her divorce. I am aware that most people don't have their affairs in order in case the breadwinner passes away. I don't understand why anyone wouldn't, but whatever. I am the sole beneficiary to my husband's estate and all life insurance policies, every investment and every account. If he passes away, our standard of living will not change, although I would go back to school and find a career.


Quoting LindaClement:

Unless that 'deal' was spelled out in a legally-binding contract, I'm with macbudsmom: she CHOSE to agree to it, she was never forced into anything. Whatever mitigating circumstances she believed would prevail, and she would end up 'fine' are her dreamland, and not the job of any Papa Government to take care of for her...

I don't 'blame' anyone: I hold people responsible for their choices.

If she was unhappy with her negotiations, it's no one's job but hers to see to it that they're re-negotiated, or the deal is dissolved. 

The thing is: she'd be in exactly the same position if he'd died without insurance... a very real scenario for a huge number of people all over the world since the dawn of time. Then, she wouldn't have someone else to take to court and spend all her time and energy trying to 'make' culpable for her own decisions and their fallout.

I was engaged at 16, and married at 19, and I have been a SAHM the entirety of our children's lives. I am now assembling 'work for pay' in a more active way than I have in the past... but if something goes horribly wrong with 'how it's been so far' I will deal with it. Without the state's very helpful interference/protection, ta very much. Exactly as I would have done all the way along.

I am annoyed by the patronizing attitude of people who believe that, fundamentally, women can't possibly cope --especially if they've 'only' been homemakers up to now. 

Just because 'the State' is incapable of recognizing the range and depth of skills and management abilities necessary to doing that job well doesn't mean there aren't any --or that they're not skills and abilities that are marketable in the workplace. For real money, in 'real' jobs.

Quoting Jack_Squat:

No. They were young, fell in love, and couldn't afford to both go to college, and had a firm agreement that she would get her chance later down the road. I wish I could live in this black and white world some of you seem to think exists. And of course, you solely placed all of the blame on this poor woman when it takes TWO to be in a marriage, and he was unfaithful and struck her. Thankfully, the laws in my state protect women from this situation (as well as men if they are in this woman's position)





Quoting macbudsmom:

And thats wrong... She chose to get married and make babies before getting an education... Her poor choices put her in the position of being unable to provide for herself.




Quoting Jack_Squat:

Thankfully, I live in a state that partially goes by a standard of living policy, and would qualify for long term alimony. :)





Our state protects women and children. I remember our friends who were married for roughly 15 years. She gave up her entire life to support his schooling and career, with the agreement that when their children were teens, she could go to college and begin her own career. Highschool sweethearts. After 15 years of her waiting patiently on the sidelines, model wife and mother, she found the other woman's underwear in the seat of his truck while she was cleaning it for him. She confronted him, audio recorded it, and he hit her. She filed for divorce the next day. Because of the standard of living policies, and the fact she scrificed so he could further his education and career, plus his infidelity, she was granted hefty long term alimony so she and her children could have the same standard of living they were used to, and she could finally get a college education. She is now more successful than he ever was, and he is still paying alimony.











Quoting pansyprincess:

 It doesn't matter.  If your husband changed his mind, which you admit that he changed after marriage, and decided to divorce you, the law is not on your side.  So you might want to consider that. 




Lifetime alimony is ridiculous.  The only people that I could see supporting this are people that don't want to work ever, and want someone else to pick up the tab.








Quoting Jack_Squat:

Of course I take responsibility. I chose to keep my family in tact when given an ultimatum. I hold marriage in high regard, and it drives me batty when people treat it frivolously. You make sacrifices for your spouse, period, and those sacrifices should be taken into consideration. I already stated that neither my husband nor myself believe in divorce. I'm speaking hypothetically. Then again, we have a somewhat unique financial situation that I'm aware not all people have. It wouldn't hurt him one bit to pay alimony for the rest of my life, and neither of us would have to buy or rent a new home.





Quoting pansyprincess:

So you take no responsiblity? You married a sexist, and he forced you to stay home? Seems like you are blaming your spouse for your lack of backbone in making something of yourself.




If two parents make the decision for the mom to stay home and raise in the kids (or the day) the other parent should pay alimony for a short amount of time until the other parent starts working.




Why does he have to take care of you? Are you incapable of doing that yourself? Once you divorce, you are not his problem. His children of course are. So that is why child support is paid until 18. But you need to take some responsibility for your own life.




Once a divorce happens, no one still has the same life. You somehow expect your husband to pay for your house, and his new house? For your bills and his new bills? What about if he wants to marry and start a new life? You are no longer his problem. You are your problem. Figure it out.





Quoting Jack_Squat:

I must be a weirdo because I feel that if I have to sit at home and never make anything of myself because my husband has a sexist point of view for years, then he should pay alimony until I get remarried or the kids are grown. I have always been a firm believer that the wife and children should be afforded the same standard of living after a divorce in cases like these. However, I am speaking primarily from my own experiences in my own marriage.






















Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
macbudsmom
by Bronze Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:11 PM

Its called delayed gratification.  She (and yes he) were too impatient to work and go to school before running off and making babies together.  I hate when people fail to plan for the unknown and then whine about it later.  Its called being responsible.  Falling in love doesn't stop us from having choices.


Quoting Jack_Squat:

No. They were young, fell in love, and couldn't afford to both go to college, and had a firm agreement that she would get her chance later down the road. I wish I could live in this black and white world some of you seem to think exists. And of course, you solely placed all of the blame on this poor woman when it takes TWO to be in a marriage, and he was unfaithful and struck her. Thankfully, the laws in my state protect women from this situation (as well as men if they are in this woman's position)


Quoting macbudsmom:

And thats wrong... She chose to get married and make babies before getting an education... Her poor choices put her in the position of being unable to provide for herself.



Quoting Jack_Squat:

Thankfully, I live in a state that partially goes by a standard of living policy, and would qualify for long term alimony. :)



Our state protects women and children. I remember our friends who were married for roughly 15 years. She gave up her entire life to support his schooling and career, with the agreement that when their children were teens, she could go to college and begin her own career. Highschool sweethearts. After 15 years of her waiting patiently on the sidelines, model wife and mother, she found the other woman's underwear in the seat of his truck while she was cleaning it for him. She confronted him, audio recorded it, and he hit her. She filed for divorce the next day. Because of the standard of living policies, and the fact she scrificed so he could further his education and career, plus his infidelity, she was granted hefty long term alimony so she and her children could have the same standard of living they were used to, and she could finally get a college education. She is now more successful than he ever was, and he is still paying alimony.







Quoting pansyprincess:

 It doesn't matter.  If your husband changed his mind, which you admit that he changed after marriage, and decided to divorce you, the law is not on your side.  So you might want to consider that. 



Lifetime alimony is ridiculous.  The only people that I could see supporting this are people that don't want to work ever, and want someone else to pick up the tab.






Quoting Jack_Squat:

Of course I take responsibility. I chose to keep my family in tact when given an ultimatum. I hold marriage in high regard, and it drives me batty when people treat it frivolously. You make sacrifices for your spouse, period, and those sacrifices should be taken into consideration. I already stated that neither my husband nor myself believe in divorce. I'm speaking hypothetically. Then again, we have a somewhat unique financial situation that I'm aware not all people have. It wouldn't hurt him one bit to pay alimony for the rest of my life, and neither of us would have to buy or rent a new home.




Quoting pansyprincess:

So you take no responsiblity? You married a sexist, and he forced you to stay home? Seems like you are blaming your spouse for your lack of backbone in making something of yourself.




If two parents make the decision for the mom to stay home and raise in the kids (or the day) the other parent should pay alimony for a short amount of time until the other parent starts working.




Why does he have to take care of you? Are you incapable of doing that yourself? Once you divorce, you are not his problem. His children of course are. So that is why child support is paid until 18. But you need to take some responsibility for your own life.




Once a divorce happens, no one still has the same life. You somehow expect your husband to pay for your house, and his new house? For your bills and his new bills? What about if he wants to marry and start a new life? You are no longer his problem. You are your problem. Figure it out.




Quoting Jack_Squat:

I must be a weirdo because I feel that if I have to sit at home and never make anything of myself because my husband has a sexist point of view for years, then he should pay alimony until I get remarried or the kids are grown. I have always been a firm believer that the wife and children should be afforded the same standard of living after a divorce in cases like these. However, I am speaking primarily from my own experiences in my own marriage.

















macbudsmom
by Bronze Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:13 PM

If it meant so much to him why didn't he tell you this up front?  Or, if these views entered into the picture later, did something happen to make him feel this way?


Quoting Jack_Squat:

Because we both sacrifice for our marriage. Why is this such a hard concept? Lol

For instance, hitting me is a deal breaker for me, therefore he doesn't hit me. (Crappy analogy because he never would lol). What I mean is, it's something he feels so strongly about that he can't deal with it in marriage. Therefore, it's up to me to decide which is more important? A career or my family? Of course, I'm willing to sacrifice that for my family. They aren't expendable like a job is. Marriage is a 2 way street and we both make sacrifices and have our 'things' that we can't deal with.


Quoting chloedee:

If neither of you believe in divorce, how is you working a "deal breaker"? Given that you won't divorce, wouldn't he just learn to suck it up?




Quoting Jack_Squat:

Of course I take responsibility. I chose to keep my family in tact when given an ultimatum. I hold marriage in high regard, and it drives me batty when people treat it frivolously. You make sacrifices for your spouse, period, and those sacrifices should be taken into consideration. I already stated that neither my husband nor myself believe in divorce. I'm speaking hypothetically. Then again, we have a somewhat unique financial situation that I'm aware not all people have. It wouldn't hurt him one bit to pay alimony for the rest of my life, and neither of us would have to buy or rent a new home.






Quoting pansyprincess:

So you take no responsiblity? You married a sexist, and he forced you to stay home? Seems like you are blaming your spouse for your lack of backbone in making something of yourself.










If two parents make the decision for the mom to stay home and raise in the kids (or the day) the other parent should pay alimony for a short amount of time until the other parent starts working.










Why does he have to take care of you? Are you incapable of doing that yourself? Once you divorce, you are not his problem. His children of course are. So that is why child support is paid until 18. But you need to take some responsibility for your own life.










Once a divorce happens, no one still has the same life. You somehow expect your husband to pay for your house, and his new house? For your bills and his new bills? What about if he wants to marry and start a new life? You are no longer his problem. You are your problem. Figure it out.






Quoting Jack_Squat:

I must be a weirdo because I feel that if I have to sit at home and never make anything of myself because my husband has a sexist point of view for years, then he should pay alimony until I get remarried or the kids are grown. I have always been a firm believer that the wife and children should be afforded the same standard of living after a divorce in cases like these. However, I am speaking primarily from my own experiences in my own marriage.









chloedee
by Bronze Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:22 PM
1 mom liked this

I'd hope that "no physical abuse" is an obvious deal breaker for most (all) people. That's a pretty obvious and normal one to hold.

Not wanting your wife to work or obtain any further education is not an obvious one, and it's something that should have been discussed immediately and up front, before marriage. It seems very deceptive and controlling to withhold a demand like that until after marriage. 

Quoting Jack_Squat:

Because we both sacrifice for our marriage. Why is this such a hard concept? Lol

For instance, hitting me is a deal breaker for me, therefore he doesn't hit me. (Crappy analogy because he never would lol). What I mean is, it's something he feels so strongly about that he can't deal with it in marriage. Therefore, it's up to me to decide which is more important? A career or my family? Of course, I'm willing to sacrifice that for my family. They aren't expendable like a job is. Marriage is a 2 way street and we both make sacrifices and have our 'things' that we can't deal with.


Quoting chloedee:

If neither of you believe in divorce, how is you working a "deal breaker"? Given that you won't divorce, wouldn't he just learn to suck it up?




Quoting Jack_Squat:

Of course I take responsibility. I chose to keep my family in tact when given an ultimatum. I hold marriage in high regard, and it drives me batty when people treat it frivolously. You make sacrifices for your spouse, period, and those sacrifices should be taken into consideration. I already stated that neither my husband nor myself believe in divorce. I'm speaking hypothetically. Then again, we have a somewhat unique financial situation that I'm aware not all people have. It wouldn't hurt him one bit to pay alimony for the rest of my life, and neither of us would have to buy or rent a new home.






Quoting pansyprincess:

So you take no responsiblity? You married a sexist, and he forced you to stay home? Seems like you are blaming your spouse for your lack of backbone in making something of yourself.










If two parents make the decision for the mom to stay home and raise in the kids (or the day) the other parent should pay alimony for a short amount of time until the other parent starts working.










Why does he have to take care of you? Are you incapable of doing that yourself? Once you divorce, you are not his problem. His children of course are. So that is why child support is paid until 18. But you need to take some responsibility for your own life.










Once a divorce happens, no one still has the same life. You somehow expect your husband to pay for your house, and his new house? For your bills and his new bills? What about if he wants to marry and start a new life? You are no longer his problem. You are your problem. Figure it out.






Quoting Jack_Squat:

I must be a weirdo because I feel that if I have to sit at home and never make anything of myself because my husband has a sexist point of view for years, then he should pay alimony until I get remarried or the kids are grown. I have always been a firm believer that the wife and children should be afforded the same standard of living after a divorce in cases like these. However, I am speaking primarily from my own experiences in my own marriage.









Jack_Squat
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:23 PM
He never wanted to be 'controlling' is how he put it, but it just started to wear on him and his manlihood, I guess. He was strictly raised that the husband is the breadwinner and the wife is the homemaker. I noticed he was becoming more and more miserable, and I finally made him talk to me. He wanted me to quit my job and let him take care of our family, and felt like he couldn't be in a marriage where his wife worked full time. It felt emasculating to him.


Quoting macbudsmom:

If it meant so much to him why didn't he tell you this up front?  Or, if these views entered into the picture later, did something happen to make him feel this way?



Quoting Jack_Squat:

Because we both sacrifice for our marriage. Why is this such a hard concept? Lol



For instance, hitting me is a deal breaker for me, therefore he doesn't hit me. (Crappy analogy because he never would lol). What I mean is, it's something he feels so strongly about that he can't deal with it in marriage. Therefore, it's up to me to decide which is more important? A career or my family? Of course, I'm willing to sacrifice that for my family. They aren't expendable like a job is. Marriage is a 2 way street and we both make sacrifices and have our 'things' that we can't deal with.





Quoting chloedee:

If neither of you believe in divorce, how is you working a "deal breaker"? Given that you won't divorce, wouldn't he just learn to suck it up?







Quoting Jack_Squat:

Of course I take responsibility. I chose to keep my family in tact when given an ultimatum. I hold marriage in high regard, and it drives me batty when people treat it frivolously. You make sacrifices for your spouse, period, and those sacrifices should be taken into consideration. I already stated that neither my husband nor myself believe in divorce. I'm speaking hypothetically. Then again, we have a somewhat unique financial situation that I'm aware not all people have. It wouldn't hurt him one bit to pay alimony for the rest of my life, and neither of us would have to buy or rent a new home.









Quoting pansyprincess:

So you take no responsiblity? You married a sexist, and he forced you to stay home? Seems like you are blaming your spouse for your lack of backbone in making something of yourself.













If two parents make the decision for the mom to stay home and raise in the kids (or the day) the other parent should pay alimony for a short amount of time until the other parent starts working.













Why does he have to take care of you? Are you incapable of doing that yourself? Once you divorce, you are not his problem. His children of course are. So that is why child support is paid until 18. But you need to take some responsibility for your own life.













Once a divorce happens, no one still has the same life. You somehow expect your husband to pay for your house, and his new house? For your bills and his new bills? What about if he wants to marry and start a new life? You are no longer his problem. You are your problem. Figure it out.








Quoting Jack_Squat:

I must be a weirdo because I feel that if I have to sit at home and never make anything of myself because my husband has a sexist point of view for years, then he should pay alimony until I get remarried or the kids are grown. I have always been a firm believer that the wife and children should be afforded the same standard of living after a divorce in cases like these. However, I am speaking primarily from my own experiences in my own marriage.















Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
LindaClement
by Linda on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:40 PM

So, your argument is that she needs the protection of the State and lifelong alimony because she can cope fine?

The reason a lot of people die without insurance is often because they don't believe they'll die, they don't believe in insurance, they can't afford it, they don't think it's important, they're living in a dreamland about their financial picture, can't deal with any conversation that suggests they might die, or have never thought about it much.

I'm not the sole beneficiary to anything except the insurance: we own everything jointly (except the car, which is mine).

Quoting Jack_Squat:

She was perfectly happy with their arrangement. What she was not ok with was adultery and being hit. These people are extremely well off, which is why the standard of living came into play. Of course she was capable. The woman has more guts and iron than just about any woman I've ever met, hence the reason she has made something of herself since her divorce. I am aware that most people don't have their affairs in order in case the breadwinner passes away. I don't understand why anyone wouldn't, but whatever. I am the sole beneficiary to my husband's estate and all life insurance policies, every investment and every account. If he passes away, our standard of living will not change, although I would go back to school and find a career.


Quoting LindaClement:

Unless that 'deal' was spelled out in a legally-binding contract, I'm with macbudsmom: she CHOSE to agree to it, she was never forced into anything. Whatever mitigating circumstances she believed would prevail, and she would end up 'fine' are her dreamland, and not the job of any Papa Government to take care of for her...

I don't 'blame' anyone: I hold people responsible for their choices.

If she was unhappy with her negotiations, it's no one's job but hers to see to it that they're re-negotiated, or the deal is dissolved. 

The thing is: she'd be in exactly the same position if he'd died without insurance... a very real scenario for a huge number of people all over the world since the dawn of time. Then, she wouldn't have someone else to take to court and spend all her time and energy trying to 'make' culpable for her own decisions and their fallout.

I was engaged at 16, and married at 19, and I have been a SAHM the entirety of our children's lives. I am now assembling 'work for pay' in a more active way than I have in the past... but if something goes horribly wrong with 'how it's been so far' I will deal with it. Without the state's very helpful interference/protection, ta very much. Exactly as I would have done all the way along.

I am annoyed by the patronizing attitude of people who believe that, fundamentally, women can't possibly cope --especially if they've 'only' been homemakers up to now. 

Just because 'the State' is incapable of recognizing the range and depth of skills and management abilities necessary to doing that job well doesn't mean there aren't any --or that they're not skills and abilities that are marketable in the workplace. For real money, in 'real' jobs.

Quoting Jack_Squat:

No. They were young, fell in love, and couldn't afford to both go to college, and had a firm agreement that she would get her chance later down the road. I wish I could live in this black and white world some of you seem to think exists. And of course, you solely placed all of the blame on this poor woman when it takes TWO to be in a marriage, and he was unfaithful and struck her. Thankfully, the laws in my state protect women from this situation (as well as men if they are in this woman's position)





Quoting macbudsmom:

And thats wrong... She chose to get married and make babies before getting an education... Her poor choices put her in the position of being unable to provide for herself.




Quoting Jack_Squat:

Thankfully, I live in a state that partially goes by a standard of living policy, and would qualify for long term alimony. :)





Our state protects women and children. I remember our friends who were married for roughly 15 years. She gave up her entire life to support his schooling and career, with the agreement that when their children were teens, she could go to college and begin her own career. Highschool sweethearts. After 15 years of her waiting patiently on the sidelines, model wife and mother, she found the other woman's underwear in the seat of his truck while she was cleaning it for him. She confronted him, audio recorded it, and he hit her. She filed for divorce the next day. Because of the standard of living policies, and the fact she scrificed so he could further his education and career, plus his infidelity, she was granted hefty long term alimony so she and her children could have the same standard of living they were used to, and she could finally get a college education. She is now more successful than he ever was, and he is still paying alimony.











Quoting pansyprincess:

 It doesn't matter.  If your husband changed his mind, which you admit that he changed after marriage, and decided to divorce you, the law is not on your side.  So you might want to consider that. 




Lifetime alimony is ridiculous.  The only people that I could see supporting this are people that don't want to work ever, and want someone else to pick up the tab.








Quoting Jack_Squat:

Of course I take responsibility. I chose to keep my family in tact when given an ultimatum. I hold marriage in high regard, and it drives me batty when people treat it frivolously. You make sacrifices for your spouse, period, and those sacrifices should be taken into consideration. I already stated that neither my husband nor myself believe in divorce. I'm speaking hypothetically. Then again, we have a somewhat unique financial situation that I'm aware not all people have. It wouldn't hurt him one bit to pay alimony for the rest of my life, and neither of us would have to buy or rent a new home.





Quoting pansyprincess:

So you take no responsiblity? You married a sexist, and he forced you to stay home? Seems like you are blaming your spouse for your lack of backbone in making something of yourself.




If two parents make the decision for the mom to stay home and raise in the kids (or the day) the other parent should pay alimony for a short amount of time until the other parent starts working.




Why does he have to take care of you? Are you incapable of doing that yourself? Once you divorce, you are not his problem. His children of course are. So that is why child support is paid until 18. But you need to take some responsibility for your own life.




Once a divorce happens, no one still has the same life. You somehow expect your husband to pay for your house, and his new house? For your bills and his new bills? What about if he wants to marry and start a new life? You are no longer his problem. You are your problem. Figure it out.





Quoting Jack_Squat:

I must be a weirdo because I feel that if I have to sit at home and never make anything of myself because my husband has a sexist point of view for years, then he should pay alimony until I get remarried or the kids are grown. I have always been a firm believer that the wife and children should be afforded the same standard of living after a divorce in cases like these. However, I am speaking primarily from my own experiences in my own marriage.























DestinyHLewis
by Destiny on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:45 PM

I don't believe in permanent alimony, but I can tell you for certain if I ever got divorced, I would be getting alimony for a while. 

I may have chosen to give up any career I might have, but it was a decision we both made in order for my husband to follow his career, and we both wanted our kids to have a stay at home mom. 

I shouldn't be in essence punished for supporting our family decisions in the case we get divorced, while he goes along without a bump in the road. I have made a life of sacrifices. By choice for the betterment of our family. Hopefully that won't ever be an issue for us, but if it is, I 100% believe I am entitled to keep some semblance of the life we built. That doesn't mean you take your partner for everything they have either. 

macbudsmom
by Bronze Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 3:58 PM

Sounds like self-esteem issues on his part... I would have suggested therapy before I gave up something important to me... If he was still unable to work through it, then I would consider it...  Marriage is a give and take.


Quoting Jack_Squat:

He never wanted to be 'controlling' is how he put it, but it just started to wear on him and his manlihood, I guess. He was strictly raised that the husband is the breadwinner and the wife is the homemaker. I noticed he was becoming more and more miserable, and I finally made him talk to me. He wanted me to quit my job and let him take care of our family, and felt like he couldn't be in a marriage where his wife worked full time. It felt emasculating to him.


Quoting macbudsmom:

If it meant so much to him why didn't he tell you this up front?  Or, if these views entered into the picture later, did something happen to make him feel this way?



Quoting Jack_Squat:

Because we both sacrifice for our marriage. Why is this such a hard concept? Lol



For instance, hitting me is a deal breaker for me, therefore he doesn't hit me. (Crappy analogy because he never would lol). What I mean is, it's something he feels so strongly about that he can't deal with it in marriage. Therefore, it's up to me to decide which is more important? A career or my family? Of course, I'm willing to sacrifice that for my family. They aren't expendable like a job is. Marriage is a 2 way street and we both make sacrifices and have our 'things' that we can't deal with.





Quoting chloedee:

If neither of you believe in divorce, how is you working a "deal breaker"? Given that you won't divorce, wouldn't he just learn to suck it up?







Quoting Jack_Squat:

Of course I take responsibility. I chose to keep my family in tact when given an ultimatum. I hold marriage in high regard, and it drives me batty when people treat it frivolously. You make sacrifices for your spouse, period, and those sacrifices should be taken into consideration. I already stated that neither my husband nor myself believe in divorce. I'm speaking hypothetically. Then again, we have a somewhat unique financial situation that I'm aware not all people have. It wouldn't hurt him one bit to pay alimony for the rest of my life, and neither of us would have to buy or rent a new home.









Quoting pansyprincess:

So you take no responsiblity? You married a sexist, and he forced you to stay home? Seems like you are blaming your spouse for your lack of backbone in making something of yourself.













If two parents make the decision for the mom to stay home and raise in the kids (or the day) the other parent should pay alimony for a short amount of time until the other parent starts working.













Why does he have to take care of you? Are you incapable of doing that yourself? Once you divorce, you are not his problem. His children of course are. So that is why child support is paid until 18. But you need to take some responsibility for your own life.













Once a divorce happens, no one still has the same life. You somehow expect your husband to pay for your house, and his new house? For your bills and his new bills? What about if he wants to marry and start a new life? You are no longer his problem. You are your problem. Figure it out.








Quoting Jack_Squat:

I must be a weirdo because I feel that if I have to sit at home and never make anything of myself because my husband has a sexist point of view for years, then he should pay alimony until I get remarried or the kids are grown. I have always been a firm believer that the wife and children should be afforded the same standard of living after a divorce in cases like these. However, I am speaking primarily from my own experiences in my own marriage.

















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