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How long should a birth mother have to "change her mind"?

Posted by on May. 2, 2013 at 4:55 PM
  • 41 Replies

 

Poll

Question: How long should a birth mother have to change her mind?

Options:

She shouldn't - once the child is given to adoptive parents bm's rights are terminated

a few weeks

a few months

a year

a few years

indefinetly (sorry can't spell that and spellchech doesn't do the polls)

other


Only group members can vote in this poll.

Total Votes: 87

View Results

How long should a birth mother have to change her mind when she gives a child up for adoption? 

I guess my question refers to a mother who is pregnant and is choosing adoption, rather than a "mother" has her child(ren) taken from her.

At what point do the rights of the adoptive parents or the rights of the child trump the rights of the birth mother? 

CafeMom Tickers

by on May. 2, 2013 at 4:55 PM
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Replies (1-10):
PhoenixV
by New Member on May. 2, 2013 at 4:58 PM
1 mom liked this

I would say about a month. That should be long enough. It's a painful enough process for both. Waiting longer could stop the adoptive parents from bonding because they are afraid the bm might want her baby back. At the same time, a month should give the bm time to realize what she had done and if it is a choice she wants to be permanent. Either way it is sad on at least one side.

kailu1835
by Ruby Member on May. 2, 2013 at 5:01 PM
1 mom liked this

I feel that once she signs the contract giving the child to the parents, then that should be it.  I have a couple of friends who adopted.  One lost her baby the day before the time was up for the mother to change her mind, because, you guessed it, she changed her mind.  The only thing is that she didn't take the baby back for good, she took the baby back and then placed her with the birthmom's parents.  I think this is very cruel.  It is not something that should be entered into half way, and there are WAY too many stories of moms who place their babies for adoption and then take them back.  It should be permanent, and the birth mother needs to make sure it is absolutely what she wants to do.

JCB911
by Bronze Member on May. 2, 2013 at 5:04 PM

I like your answer. I posted the poll and wasn't sure which I'd choose.  A year is WAY too long to keep bonding/emotions/stability in limbo, even a few months would be too long.

I'd think a few weeks or a month. 

And while it's not a position I've ever been in - I'm not sure why it would take longer than a few days to realize the mistake she made. Really they had 9 months to think on it, figure out logistics, etc.  I get that feelings might shift 180 degrees once the baby is born. But after the child has been gone a whole week, IMO if you need longer than that to "choose" to parent it's probably better the baby stays with the adoptive parents.

Quoting PhoenixV:

I would say about a month. That should be long enough. It's a painful enough process for both. Waiting longer could stop the adoptive parents from bonding because they are afraid the bm might want her baby back. At the same time, a month should give the bm time to realize what she had done and if it is a choice she wants to be permanent. Either way it is sad on at least one side.


CafeMom Tickers

kit_manson
by Member on May. 2, 2013 at 5:12 PM
A few months. Her circumstances may change in that time. I almost gave up my son-not because i didn't want him, but because i was told it was the "right thing". If I had, i think i would have been too depressed in the following few weeks to think clearly.
soonergirl980
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2013 at 5:22 PM

So you think it's ok to give parents who have probably gone through a lot emotionally and financially to finally bring a child home. Then let them care for and love and bond with that child. Let that child love and bond with them for a few months until the birth mom decides if caring for the kid she created fits in her life. How long should we give them what if circumstances change 4, 8 months, a year?


Quoting kit_manson:

A few months. Her circumstances may change in that time. I almost gave up my son-not because i didn't want him, but because i was told it was the "right thing". If I had, i think i would have been too depressed in the following few weeks to think clearly.



soonergirl980
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2013 at 5:23 PM
1 mom liked this

One month. I remember waiting those 30 days for Dh's adoption of DS to be done. Those were the most excruciating days of our lives I don't think it's fair to anyone to drag it out more.

kit_manson
by Member on May. 2, 2013 at 5:43 PM
I think its the kind of situation you can't fully grasp until its done. Its completely heartbreaking for the adoptive parents and I'm not trying to diminish their pain. But its also heartbreaking for the birth mothers who may not have actually wanted to give up the baby. A lot of young, unwed mothers are pushed into adoption regardless of their desires.


Quoting soonergirl980:

So you think it's ok to give parents who have probably gone through a lot emotionally and financially to finally bring a child home. Then let them care for and love and bond with that child. Let that child love and bond with them for a few months until the birth mom decides if caring for the kid she created fits in her life. How long should we give them what if circumstances change 4, 8 months, a year?



Quoting kit_manson:

A few months. Her circumstances may change in that time. I almost gave up my son-not because i didn't want him, but because i was told it was the "right thing". If I had, i think i would have been too depressed in the following few weeks to think clearly.





jaxTheMomm
by Platinum Member on May. 2, 2013 at 5:58 PM

I think this is pretty much how I feel, but I don't know how it would work without some good therapy and counselling.


Quoting kailu1835:

I feel that once she signs the contract giving the child to the parents, then that should be it.  I have a couple of friends who adopted.  One lost her baby the day before the time was up for the mother to change her mind, because, you guessed it, she changed her mind.  The only thing is that she didn't take the baby back for good, she took the baby back and then placed her with the birthmom's parents.  I think this is very cruel.  It is not something that should be entered into half way, and there are WAY too many stories of moms who place their babies for adoption and then take them back.  It should be permanent, and the birth mother needs to make sure it is absolutely what she wants to do.



OHgirlinCA
by Platinum Member on May. 2, 2013 at 6:02 PM
5 moms liked this

 I think once you decide to put your baby up for adoption, and the baby is in the adoptive parents' hands, that's it.  They are now that child's parents.

soonergirl980
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2013 at 6:04 PM


I have been in that position I was a young single mother. I made the decision to keep my child and get my life straight. I didn't need to add to someone elses pain to know that I could never do it. Giving the child to someone else and then deciding months later to take he/she back is cruel and horrible thing to do.

Quoting kit_manson:

I think its the kind of situation you can't fully grasp until its done. Its completely heartbreaking for the adoptive parents and I'm not trying to diminish their pain. But its also heartbreaking for the birth mothers who may not have actually wanted to give up the baby. A lot of young, unwed mothers are pushed into adoption regardless of their desires.


Quoting soonergirl980:

So you think it's ok to give parents who have probably gone through a lot emotionally and financially to finally bring a child home. Then let them care for and love and bond with that child. Let that child love and bond with them for a few months until the birth mom decides if caring for the kid she created fits in her life. How long should we give them what if circumstances change 4, 8 months, a year?



Quoting kit_manson:

A few months. Her circumstances may change in that time. I almost gave up my son-not because i didn't want him, but because i was told it was the "right thing". If I had, i think i would have been too depressed in the following few weeks to think clearly.







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