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My "Crafting an Effective Writer: Tools of the Trade" Class. (something different post)

Posted by on Jun. 5, 2013 at 1:51 PM
  • 131 Replies

I thought I'd do something different here on CM.  I don't expect a lot of people wanting to post in this thread, but I just wanted to give it a try.  I know there is a lot of moms in this group that clearly writes/posts very well.  Something that I have a very hard time doing.  I'm taking this online class to help me with that.  Because, I want to write a book, poetry or biography.  I want to write a book to give to my children. 

I thought it might be fun to just share in one another's writing skills.  Or correcting/changing anything that you may see in my own writings that I have submitted to my online class.  The writings are describing a scene and something that you personally experienced.  It has been quite a challenge for me, because I also had to learn more about computers.  Anyway, I will now submit a couple of my writings.  Go ahead and give me any advice, corrections all you want.  lol  I'd love to also read others writings, so it can help me in my own writings.

by on Jun. 5, 2013 at 1:51 PM
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Naturewoman4
by Platinum Member on Jun. 5, 2013 at 1:54 PM
As I slip my sleek red kayak into the deep green waters at our nearby lake, I paddle towards the lake narrows, until I come to a trickling, babbling stream. On the way to the stream, I notice nests in the nearby tall pine trees, of the golden eagle. Even spotting a few of these large beautiful birds. As I continue into the deep green lake I carefully paddle avoiding the rocks. I spot wild gold fishs, trout and carp. Holding my paddles level so I can hear the sounds of the stream, wind and birds. Having to be quiet I hold my kayak very still in the water, noticing birds frolicking and flickering nearby as I tilt my head to the various sound calls of the birds, trying to spot the source of the bird sounds. As the water cascades down through the boulders I enjoy the sounds it makes leaving swirling eddies on the lee side of the rocks. Where hungry fish wait for the buzzing insects that dwell there. On a nearby narrow inlet of water I notice a beaver dam of carefully chewed tangle sticks and logs. Which backs up a pond behind it where the beaver makes it’s home. I see a blue huron standing still as a statue on one long leg waiting for their small fish quarry. I then paddle away from this corner of my adventure.
Naturewoman4
by Platinum Member on Jun. 5, 2013 at 1:55 PM

I rise in the morning to commence with my mountain trek. As I pass by my garden on the way to my already packed car, I notice that my African Daisies which were closed up so tightly at night, has completely opened their smiling purple faces to the raising sun. My flowers seem to be greeting the new day with their fresh beauty. I position my car towards the majestic raising mountains. Only a short drive from my house, to start my excursion up the grandiose mountains. I drive up the steadily raising serpentine road, into the gold and green beauty of our welcoming kingly mountains. As I parked my car to start my slow and arduous hike, I notice a large bushy tail gray squirrel scampering up an elegant sugar pine tree. Chattering annoyingly at me as if to say, you are trespassing into my home. I then enjoy the amazing variety of bird calls. Welcoming the brand new day. The light blowing wind welcomes me to this joyous and beautiful place they call home. The path that I start my journey on, is a gentle, flat trail, with some rises and descents and a few sharp corners. I try to avoid looking down at the precariously steep mountainside. Each step I take I bask in the loveliness of all that I see around me. How lucky all the critters are to live in a place of such wild beauty. The yellow, orange and red leaves of Fall have added dramatic colors to the already dark green forest, leaving me in such awe at all the beauty. The forest captivates me and give me the feeling of being alone. Just the forest & me.

LindaClement
by Thatwoman on Jun. 5, 2013 at 2:03 PM
1 mom liked this

Well, that's a novel post :D

LindaClement
by Thatwoman on Jun. 5, 2013 at 2:14 PM

Remove the 2nd lake from the first sentence, and the comma following 'until.' Omit 'on the way to the stream' and change 'notice' to something simpler --see, perhaps. Omit the comma following 'pines' and don't capitalize the eagle at all. The next sentence is incomplete.

You change directions in your motion without making note of it (from the trickling babbling stream you're suddenly in the deeps of the lake)...

Goldfish is one word. Just one goldfish, but many trout and carp? Fix that...

The sentence that begins with 'holding my paddle' is incomplete.

Quite needs to be replaced by 'quiet.' You can't hold a kayak still with the paddles out of the water --fix that.

Frolicking or flickering, not both. Remove one of the instances of 'sounds' in that sentence, for preferences, omit from the final comma to the end.

What boulders? Where are you now? 

Excellent use of the word 'lee' --not well known :D

The sentence that begins 'where hungry fish' is incomplete. 

Again, you've lost the location within the lake: nearby to what?

Replace 'notice' with something simpler: I see, or there is... Same sentence is missing an 'of' before the sticks, and should be a comma, continue --not a period new sentence with 'which backs up.' 'Behind it' in that sentence is redundant.

Order of reference to the statue makes it sound like the heron is not on one leg standing as still as a statue, but that the statue has one long leg.

Maybe draw a map of your adventure, so you can keep it clear in your head where you are while you're describing things... so there is a sense of 'from there to there' in your writing, instead of apparent teleportation to various spots on the landscape :D

Overall, a nice poetic description of an experience, with good language use and varied sentence length.

Quoting Naturewoman4:

As I slip my sleek red kayak into the deep green waters at our nearby lake, I paddle towards the lake narrows, until I come to a trickling, babbling stream. On the way to the stream, I notice nests in the nearby tall pine trees, of the Golden Eagle. Even spotting a few of these large beautiful birds. As I continue into the deep green lake I carefully paddle avoiding the rocks. I spot a wild gold fish, trout and carp. Holding my paddles level so I can hear the sounds of the stream, wind and birds. Having to be quite I hold my kayak very still in the water, noticing birds frolicking and flickering nearby as I tilt my head to the various sound calls of the birds, trying to spot the source of the bird sounds. As the water cascades down through the boulders I enjoy the sounds it makes leaving swirling eddies on the lee side of the rocks. Where hungry fish wait for the buzzing insects that dwell there. On a nearby narrow inlet of water I notice a beaver dam of carefully chewed tangle sticks and logs. Which backs up a pond behind it where the beaver makes it’s home. I see a Blue Huron standing still as a statue on one long leg waiting for their small fish quarry. I then paddle away from this corner of my adventure.


Naturewoman4
by Platinum Member on Jun. 5, 2013 at 2:21 PM
Hi, thank-you for reading my two writings. :) I will go and recheck on that, thanks :) If you have the time and would like, I sure would love to hear some writings of your own. If you want.
Quoting LindaClement:

Remove the 2nd lake from the first sentence, and the comma following 'until.' Omit 'on the way to the stream' and change 'notice' to something simpler --see, perhaps. Omit the comma following 'pines' and don't capitalize the eagle at all. The next sentence is incomplete.

You change directions in your motion without making note of it (from the trickling babbling stream you're suddenly in the deeps of the lake)...

Goldfish is one word. Just one goldfish, but many trout and carp? Fix that...

The sentence that begins with 'holding my paddle' is incomplete.

Quite needs to be replaced by 'quiet.' You can't hold a kayak still with the paddles out of the water --fix that.

Frolicking or flickering, not both. Remove one of the instances of 'sounds' in that sentence, for preferences, omit from the final comma to the end.

What boulders? Where are you now? 

Excellent use of the word 'lee' --not well known :D

The sentence that begins 'where hungry fish' is incomplete. 

Again, you've lost the location within the lake: nearby to what?

Replace 'notice' with something simpler: I see, or there is... Same sentence is missing an 'of' before the sticks, and should be a comma, continue --not a period new sentence with 'which backs up.' 'Behind it' in that sentence is redundant.

Order of reference to the statue makes it sound like the heron is not on one leg standing as still as a statue, but that the statue has one long leg.

Maybe draw a map of your adventure, so you can keep it clear in your head where you are while you're describing things... so there is a sense of 'from there to there' in your writing, instead of apparent teleportation to various spots on the landscape :D

Overall, a nice poetic description of an experience, with good language use and varied sentence length.

Quoting Naturewoman4:

As I slip my sleek red kayak into the deep green waters at our nearby lake, I paddle towards the lake narrows, until I come to a trickling, babbling stream. On the way to the stream, I notice nests in the nearby tall pine trees, of the Golden Eagle. Even spotting a few of these large beautiful birds. As I continue into the deep green lake I carefully paddle avoiding the rocks. I spot a wild gold fish, trout and carp. Holding my paddles level so I can hear the sounds of the stream, wind and birds. Having to be quite I hold my kayak very still in the water, noticing birds frolicking and flickering nearby as I tilt my head to the various sound calls of the birds, trying to spot the source of the bird sounds. As the water cascades down through the boulders I enjoy the sounds it makes leaving swirling eddies on the lee side of the rocks. Where hungry fish wait for the buzzing insects that dwell there. On a nearby narrow inlet of water I notice a beaver dam of carefully chewed tangle sticks and logs. Which backs up a pond behind it where the beaver makes it’s home. I see a Blue Huron standing still as a statue on one long leg waiting for their small fish quarry. I then paddle away from this corner of my adventure.



lga1965
by on Jun. 5, 2013 at 2:27 PM
2 moms liked this
I have noticed you're already quite proficient at writing fiction about current events and politics here.
;-)
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Naturewoman4
by Platinum Member on Jun. 5, 2013 at 2:40 PM
Wow, are/were you a teacher? Because, you're really good at this. Little things like goldfish & quiet I see I just slipped up on those. I used caps. on Golden Eagle, because I thought it was a specific bird. Luckily, I time to make these corrections because it's not due till Fri. I appreciate it so much your help in all of this. When I post on CM I don't even know how to use the spell/grammar check. As I'm posting now CM's site is not working properly. I will go back and work on my sentences, because I notice too when I read my sentences back, they're not complete sentences.
Quoting LindaClement:

Remove the 2nd lake from the first sentence, and the comma following 'until.' Omit 'on the way to the stream' and change 'notice' to something simpler --see, perhaps. Omit the comma following 'pines' and don't capitalize the eagle at all. The next sentence is incomplete.

You change directions in your motion without making note of it (from the trickling babbling stream you're suddenly in the deeps of the lake)...

Goldfish is one word. Just one goldfish, but many trout and carp? Fix that...

The sentence that begins with 'holding my paddle' is incomplete.

Quite needs to be replaced by 'quiet.' You can't hold a kayak still with the paddles out of the water --fix that.

Frolicking or flickering, not both. Remove one of the instances of 'sounds' in that sentence, for preferences, omit from the final comma to the end.

What boulders? Where are you now? 

Excellent use of the word 'lee' --not well known :D

The sentence that begins 'where hungry fish' is incomplete. 

Again, you've lost the location within the lake: nearby to what?

Replace 'notice' with something simpler: I see, or there is... Same sentence is missing an 'of' before the sticks, and should be a comma, continue --not a period new sentence with 'which backs up.' 'Behind it' in that sentence is redundant.

Order of reference to the statue makes it sound like the heron is not on one leg standing as still as a statue, but that the statue has one long leg.

Maybe draw a map of your adventure, so you can keep it clear in your head where you are while you're describing things... so there is a sense of 'from there to there' in your writing, instead of apparent teleportation to various spots on the landscape :D

Overall, a nice poetic description of an experience, with good language use and varied sentence length.

Quoting Naturewoman4:

As I slip my sleek red kayak into the deep green waters at our nearby lake, I paddle towards the lake narrows, until I come to a trickling, babbling stream. On the way to the stream, I notice nests in the nearby tall pine trees, of the Golden Eagle. Even spotting a few of these large beautiful birds. As I continue into the deep green lake I carefully paddle avoiding the rocks. I spot a wild gold fish, trout and carp. Holding my paddles level so I can hear the sounds of the stream, wind and birds. Having to be quite I hold my kayak very still in the water, noticing birds frolicking and flickering nearby as I tilt my head to the various sound calls of the birds, trying to spot the source of the bird sounds. As the water cascades down through the boulders I enjoy the sounds it makes leaving swirling eddies on the lee side of the rocks. Where hungry fish wait for the buzzing insects that dwell there. On a nearby narrow inlet of water I notice a beaver dam of carefully chewed tangle sticks and logs. Which backs up a pond behind it where the beaver makes it’s home. I see a Blue Huron standing still as a statue on one long leg waiting for their small fish quarry. I then paddle away from this corner of my adventure.



LindaClement
by Thatwoman on Jun. 5, 2013 at 2:52 PM

Commence is a very pompous word, adding 'with' makes it worse :D

Start where you are: I had you in a tent at basecamp, and suddenly we were in your garden heading for your car. Very disorienting :D

Already-packed needs a hyphen. 'Daisies' is not capitalized. Again, you use notice --another slightly-overused buzz word that replaces simpler language to no good effect.

Your African daisies has ... wrong tense, there. The 'rising' sun, not raising.

'Seem to be' isn't a strong phrase, omit and replace.

No one 'positions' their car, they steer or drive. Positioning is something you do by lifting something up :D Never use a $2 word when a 25 cent one will do.

The mountains are also not raising. Or rising. They're already there, just hanging around. Loitering :D They can be looming, or simply majestic. One hyperbole is sufficient ;) 

The sentence that begins 'only a short drive' is incomplete, and shouldn't have a comma in the middle of it. The mountains need not be gradiose or mentioned again at this point --we're still with you. The road is also not raising. It can be rising, but the 'up' (and the fact that your reader's not so stupid he can't guess you're driving 'up' not 'down' to the mountains) is sufficient.

The mountains are already majestic, no need for them to be kingly, too. Welcoming is interesting...

Why are you parking your car to start your slow hike? Conflating ideas like that makes readers as silly questions :D Separate the sentences by ideas and actions, expand for clarity where necessary. No need, here, to mention the hike at all (for example) ... leave that for when you get to it.

'Large bushy tail grey squirrel' is at least 2 more adjectives than necessary. Bushy-tail is hyphenated. 'Elegant sugar pine tree' is 2 words too long, as well...

Is the chattering annoying to you? If not, omit ... as well as the unnecessary comma in the middle of that sentence. 'Welcoming' is an incomplete sentence and unnecessary (and the third welcoming/greeting thing in this short paragraph!) Joyous or beautiful, not both --the wind calls the forest home? You slipped a tense in there, too: plural 'they' only one wind.

Omit 'that' from 'the path' sentence, as well as the first comma. Omit either path or trail. Unless those rises, descents and sharp corners are visible at the beginning, omit references to what is to come --take the trail in the order it happens, within the narrative, for clarity.

You're not 'on' the trail yet, when you precariously look down. Set up that scene distinctly.

Your emotional mood changes abruptly, from fearful to joyous with no apparent reason for it: try describing what you're seeing and doing and let the language of that carry the mood within. Comment on what you experience, not what the animals might...

What are you doing suddenly in the fall? Set the setting at the outset. Another reference to the beauty in less than 2 sentences is redundant.

What are you doing in a forest? I thought you were on a mountain. Less references to mountains if this is a forest trek, more focus on the mountains (especially in the conclusion) if it's a mountain trek.

Your sudden change in content (from being surrounded by life to solitude) is disorienting.

Otherwise, an evocative piece about a place you clearly adore.

Quoting Naturewoman4:

I rise in the morning to commence with my mountain trek. As I pass by my garden on the way to my already packed car, I notice that my African Daisies which were closed up so tightly at night, has completely opened their smiling purple faces to the raising sun. My flowers seem to be greeting the new day with their fresh beauty. I position my car towards the majestic raising mountains. Only a short drive from my house, to start my excursion up the grandiose mountains. I drive up the steadily raising serpentine road, into the gold and green beauty of our welcoming kingly mountains. As I parked my car to start my slow and arduous hike, I notice a large bushy tail gray squirrel scampering up an elegant sugar pine tree. Chattering annoyingly at me as if to say, you are trespassing into my home. I then enjoy the amazing variety of bird calls. Welcoming the brand new day. The light blowing wind welcomes me to this joyous and beautiful place they call home. The path that I start my journey on, is a gentle, flat trail, with some rises and descents and a few sharp corners. I try to avoid looking down at the precariously steep mountainside. Each step I take I bask in the loveliness of all that I see around me. How lucky all the critters are to live in a place of such wild beauty. The yellow, orange and red leaves of Fall have added dramatic colors to the already dark green forest, leaving me in such awe at all the beauty. The forest captivates me and give me the feeling of being alone. Just the forest & me.


Naturewoman4
by Platinum Member on Jun. 5, 2013 at 2:53 PM
Haha. I only wish I were Iga. But seriously now, you seem to be a pretty good writer/poster (even if I hardly ever agree with you), but do you have anything to add to my writings? Anything I can correct or change would be appreciated. :) I'd love to read any writings you may have, whether describing a scene, your daily routine in life, any experiences you have had. I want to write about my experiences as being a mother and give both my children a copy of it. My daughter in school once wrote stories for which she won. The school put it into a hard cover book form. It's so neat and that's what I want to do. I don't know exactly how to go about doing it, but I'm sure I will learn.
Quoting lga1965:

I have noticed you're already quite proficient at writing fiction about current events and politics here.
;-)

Donna6503
by Platinum Member on Jun. 5, 2013 at 2:56 PM
1 mom liked this
Pretty much this ...

My word of advise ... Rewrites, are your friends and it isn't a crime to rewrite things over and over again.


Quoting LindaClement:

Remove the 2nd lake from the first sentence, and the comma following 'until.' Omit 'on the way to the stream' and change 'notice' to something simpler --see, perhaps. Omit the comma following 'pines' and don't capitalize the eagle at all. The next sentence is incomplete.

You change directions in your motion without making note of it (from the trickling babbling stream you're suddenly in the deeps of the lake)...

Goldfish is one word. Just one goldfish, but many trout and carp? Fix that...

The sentence that begins with 'holding my paddle' is incomplete.

Quite needs to be replaced by 'quiet.' You can't hold a kayak still with the paddles out of the water --fix that.

Frolicking or flickering, not both. Remove one of the instances of 'sounds' in that sentence, for preferences, omit from the final comma to the end.

What boulders? Where are you now? 

Excellent use of the word 'lee' --not well known :D

The sentence that begins 'where hungry fish' is incomplete. 

Again, you've lost the location within the lake: nearby to what?

Replace 'notice' with something simpler: I see, or there is... Same sentence is missing an 'of' before the sticks, and should be a comma, continue --not a period new sentence with 'which backs up.' 'Behind it' in that sentence is redundant.

Order of reference to the statue makes it sound like the heron is not on one leg standing as still as a statue, but that the statue has one long leg.

Maybe draw a map of your adventure, so you can keep it clear in your head where you are while you're describing things... so there is a sense of 'from there to there' in your writing, instead of apparent teleportation to various spots on the landscape :D

Overall, a nice poetic description of an experience, with good language use and varied sentence length.

Quoting Naturewoman4:

As I slip my sleek red kayak into the deep green waters at our nearby lake, I paddle towards the lake narrows, until I come to a trickling, babbling stream. On the way to the stream, I notice nests in the nearby tall pine trees, of the Golden Eagle. Even spotting a few of these large beautiful birds. As I continue into the deep green lake I carefully paddle avoiding the rocks. I spot a wild gold fish, trout and carp. Holding my paddles level so I can hear the sounds of the stream, wind and birds. Having to be quite I hold my kayak very still in the water, noticing birds frolicking and flickering nearby as I tilt my head to the various sound calls of the birds, trying to spot the source of the bird sounds. As the water cascades down through the boulders I enjoy the sounds it makes leaving swirling eddies on the lee side of the rocks. Where hungry fish wait for the buzzing insects that dwell there. On a nearby narrow inlet of water I notice a beaver dam of carefully chewed tangle sticks and logs. Which backs up a pond behind it where the beaver makes it’s home. I see a Blue Huron standing still as a statue on one long leg waiting for their small fish quarry. I then paddle away from this corner of my adventure.



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