Rep. Darrell Issa â€” â€śIâ€™m Going To Get To The Bottom Of Why Progressive Groups Were Targeted By The IRS!â€ť lol
Rep. Darrell Issa â€” â€śIâ€™m Going To Get To The Bottom Of Why Progressive Groups Were Targeted By The IRS!â€ť
If youâ€™ve lost track of the IRS scandal that Rep. Darrell Issaâ€™s been trying to track down, fear not. Hereâ€™s an update â€” it turns out that not just Tea Party groups were targeted, and more and more evidence is coming to light that progressive groups, like Occupy Wall Street, also got extra scrutiny. Never fear though, Issa has promised swift action, promising to investigate with the same fervor and intensity as to why the IRS was targeting progressive groups that he investigated the targeting of Tea Party groups.
â€śI promise to engage the Inspector General in another totally one-sided investigation,â€ť Issa said in a statement to the Tea Bagger Times, â€śbut this time weâ€™ll only have him focus on the left-wing groups that were targeted. I find itâ€™s much more cost-effective to spend millions of dollars on separate reports. Also, itâ€™s so much better for each side to have their own cherry-picked information with which to craft political theater from. If I had just told the IG to investigate the targeting story from a completely neutral standpoint, how on Earth would my Republican colleagues have gotten all those sound bites out there about the tyranny of big government and the fact that the IRS certainly canâ€™t be trusted to run Obamacare?â€ť
Issa continued, â€śLook, sure, I knew about this story last year. Sure, I didnâ€™t think to bring it up or publicize it in a big way during the election. And yes, Iâ€™ll admit that makes me look like a total partisan
â€śYou could probably look at this IRS targeting scandal; line it up with the fact that this year is a really important year, heading into the 2014 mid-terms and with the full-implementation of the
I promise from the bottom of my empty heart that I will find out why these progressive groups were also targeted. I promise to forego sleep, food, drink and douchebag pills â€” those are special pills that keep my vitamin D and B levels amped-up, allowing me to be the biggest, most incredibly partisan douchebag in Congress â€” until I figure out why the left-leaning groups were targeted. I plan to launch a full congressional investigation and hold almost as many hearings about this case as I did about Benghazi, Fast & Furious, and that time that Obama farted. We still donâ€™t know why he farted, or what he ate before he did, but we have a crack staff working on it.
Donâ€™t get me wrong â€” I still believe in my heart that President Obama is the most corrupt person to ever live. I mean, if anyone would know what a corrupt, slimy, arrogant, asshole that only cares about his personal power and wealth looks like â€” itâ€™d be a guy who sees one in the mirror every morning. I can just sense these things. All I know is that when people think â€ścorruptionâ€ť they think Darrell Issa. So you tell me whoâ€™s got the upper hand there. Anyway, the point is that even though I think Obama is a corrupt Kenyan Socialist and I have no proof to back that up, Iâ€™m going to drop all that political theater and lead an open, honest and bipartisan look at why the IRS felt they had to resort to dragnet tactics to keep the glut of 503(c) (4) applications they got in the wake of the Citizens United ruling in check.â€ť
Then Issa suddenly stopped talking, shook his head violently back and forth for about three minutes, made a really weird face, and sneezed out a tiny alien who had been controlling his speech and making him behave honestly. Once he stepped on the tiny alien creature, rolled him up in a tissue and tossed him the trashcan, Issa walked back to the podium, cleared his throat, and said into the microphone, â€śBenghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi,â€ť turned around three times and evaporated in a cloud of red smoke and cash.
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