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'THIS Is What Bigotry Looks Like'

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What Happened When My Son Wore A Pink Headband To Walmart

Posted: 08/02/2013 12:40 pm

This is Dexter. He is 2 years old. He loves to be Batman and Superman and Spiderman. He's a real boys' boy. He pretends he is flying, and he captures the baddies who threaten us.

2013-08-02-dexter2.jpg


He is the sweetest little troublemaker you'll ever meet.

Some other things you might like to know about Dexter:

He is a fabulous big brother. He was a later bloomer vocabulary-wise. He used to be terribly shy but has recently begun to come out of his shell. He loves new people and enjoys greeting them with a big "HI!" when he meets them.

His favorite color is pink. He loves Dora the Explorer. He has been known to wear my skirt as a dress, and he delights in cuddling with his mama.

2013-08-02-dexter1.jpg


Last night, I took my two boys out to pick up a couple of things from Walmart. Mark had to catch up on some work, so I ventured out on my own, which is something I don't do very often. It takes a lot of work to get the kids ready, get them in and out of the car, find a shopping cart, keep them happy while I shop and get them home in one piece. You parents will understand this.

After struggling to get him dressed and get his shoes on, I had to pry an overlarge teddy bear out of Dexter's arms, as he was set on taking him with us. This brought on tears and tantrums, which I somehow managed to calm very quickly. But when I attempted to remove my discarded lace flower headband from his head (which he'd been wearing all day), I saw him getting ready to fight, so I left him to it. Who was he hurting?

We got to the store, and amazingly I managed to get him to sit in the shopping cart with no issues. The fact that he was wearing a cute girly headband made him feel good, and he was charming all the old ladies by waving like a little pageant prince. I snapped his photo after two old birds came up to tell me just how adorable he was.

2013-08-02-FloweryHeadband.jpg


He rocked that headband.

Soon enough, we were done with our shop and were making our way toward the front. As we passed through the produce section, two teenage girls began giggling and one of them asked, "Is that a boy or a girl?" I smiled and said, "He's a boy." I looked on at him adoringly as they continued to giggle.

Out of nowhere a big booming voice rang out. "THAT'S a BOY?!" The man was overly large with a bushy beard and a camouflage shirt with the arms cut off. He had tattered shorts and lace-up work boots with no laces. I could smell the fug of cigarette smoke surrounding him, and there was a definite pong of beer on him.

"Yes," I said simply, still smiling.

With no notice, the man stepped forward, grabbed the headband off of Dexter's head and threw it to the bottom of our shopping cart. He then cuffed Dexter around the side of his head (not hard, but that is not the point) and said with a big laugh, "You'll thank me later, little man!"

At the same time as I stepped forward, Dexter grabbed his head where the man had smacked him and threw his other hand forward, stomping his foot and shouting, "NO!" I got between my son and this man and said very firmly, "If you touch my son again, I will cut your damn hands off."

The guy snarled at me, looked at Dexter with disgust and said, "Your son is a f*cking fa***t." He then started sauntering out, but not before he threw over his shoulder, "He'll get shot for it one day."

I stood there, shaking, fists clenched, waiting for the man to disappear out the door, and then I fell apart. I was shaking so hard, holding back tears and comforting Dexter.

Not a single person said or did anything. There were several people who had witnessed the encounter, but not one of them came over to offer support or console me or my son.

Let me repeat to you: Dexter is 2 YEARS OLD.

I was there with a 2-year-old and a 5-month-old baby, and my kid had been verbally and physically assaulted by a man. And no one did a thing.

I made my way to the front, still in shock, and I paid for my items and left. I did not report it to the management nor to the authorities, though I am considering doing both. But as I live in a tourist area, I doubt there is anything I can do to find the man -- he could be anyone from anywhere.

It's been almost 24 hours, and I've vented on Facebook and had many supportive comments. I have calmed down. I am able to look at the situation with as much objectivity as I am capable of.

There is so much wrong with what happened that I don't even know where to begin.

This man removed an article of clothing that my son was wearing. It doesn't matter that it was a headband. It is never OK.

This man forcefully touched my child without permission. He thought he was being funny. I did NOT think he was.

He called my son an extremely derogatory word AND suggested that he deserved to die.

How is ANY of this okay?!

THIS is what bigotry looks like.

A grown man who should know better decided it was OK to step in and "teach" my child what it is to be manly. He thought it was OK to judge my child because he was not adhering to HIS idea of what a little boy should be. Clearly, the man was a homophobe, which is bad enough -- but to attribute gay tendencies to a 2-year-old is as RIDICULOUS as attributing STRAIGHT tendencies to a 2-year-old. It just doesn't compute!

A 2-year-old HAS no sexuality.

To think you can "teach" a child to be a certain way is unbelievable. Even if being gay is a lifestyle choice (which I don't believe for a second), it is not a choice that a toddler can ever make. And much like little girls can play baseball or enjoy monster trucks, little boys can and do play dress up with mommy's clothes, accessories, makeup, etc. Everything is new and exciting to a kid, and they learn by trying new things.

Mark and I are both completely supportive of love in all forms. Be you gay, straight, bisexual, transsexual or polygamous, it is YOUR business. I don't judge, and I don't try and change you.

And if one or both of my kids grow up to realize they are any of these things, it will not change a thing about how I feel toward them.

But right now, the fact that homophobia is so rampant, that gay marriage is still seen as dirty because homosexuals are "lesser" somehow and don't deserve to have the same rights as straight folk, that people like that man in Walmart even EXIST makes me fear for my kids and their futures.

While we may accept and support whoever our kids turn out to be, I am scared beyond words at what it would mean for them if they ARE gay. Why should anyone have to live in fear because they fall in love with someone that you or someone else doesn't agree with? Why should mothers and fathers of gay kids have to have an extra layer of terror at night because they know that the world at large is against their child?

Why does it matter? Do you really think your God or your Jesus or your deity of choice would be as judgemental as you seem to be? Even the POPE has come out and said it's OK to be gay.

But all of this aside, whatever stance you take on the debate, it is a complete farce to ever allow your fear or disgust with an ADULT lifestyle color your view of a child!

And it is NEVER EVER OK to touch a kid who isn't yours without permission. ALL people, even children, deserve respect.

by on Aug. 2, 2013 at 7:29 PM
Replies (31-40):
Carpy
by Ruby Member on Aug. 3, 2013 at 11:11 AM
1 mom liked this
Sorry about that

Quoting stacymomof2:

Lmao carpy. Every time you start to annoy me you come through with a comment that makes me want to stand beside you saying "fuckin a! That's right!"



Quoting Carpy:

He woukd have had a quick foot to the shin and if all went well a knee to the face from me, and he would not have been my first.

Quoting lga1965:

 



Quoting Sisteract:



I can not believe a strange, stinky, adult man touched a child that he does not know- I'd have been livid!



Who in their right mind [I know plenty of crazies abound] touches another's child?



Hands off creepers- and also, STHU- if someone wants your opinion, they'll be sure to ask.



 The physical description of that creep and the words he used make me sick. But what is even sicker is that nobody spoke up and told him what an a$$hole he is.All I can do is hope that he meets up with someone who hates him so much that he will get his....maybe either jailed or shot, whatever.



I would have said something if I had been there. I have done it before.


mlg1989
by Bronze Member on Aug. 3, 2013 at 11:14 AM
I would have flipped out. Dont EVER fucking put your hands on a stranger's child. ESPECIALLY to insult them. Fuck. No.
yourspecialkid
by Platinum Member on Aug. 3, 2013 at 11:21 AM

 

Quoting terpmama:

 

And sometimes being "too close" also clouds judgement... Meltdowns are typical of 2 year olds, as are easy distractions (like letting them choose what to wear and feeling like they have a say/choice - actually the easiest way to avert a meltdown). The late talking could be a boy thing, or a personality thing (my brother talked late but when he did it was full age appropriate sentences -- he's always been a watch and master alone then do person). Nothing screams special needs... And I've been in the field for years too. I often see 'cues' of autism in my oldest... Then I look at my hubby and go "right.... genetics" .

Quoting yourspecialkid:

 

Quoting stacymomof2:

I just mean there isn't any behavior mentioned in that piece that seemed abnormal for a two year old. What signs do you think point to the fcact that he may be special needs?

Quoting yourspecialkid:

 


Quoting stacymomof2:

He''s two...




Quoting yourspecialkid:


 I don't think I would call assaulting a minor bigotry.  He should have been brought up on charges.



Has this child been evaluated by a developmental pediatrician?  As a parent of a special needs child I think he needs to be.  Not because of the pink hair ornament.  A couple of other things lifted a flag for me.



 


 Um okay...not sure what your meaning is.

 Language delay and the struggle to get dressed and put shoes on.  The meltdown because of the bear and then the averted meltdown because of the hairband. 

Now it could be that he needed a nap or was having a bad day.  I have been involved with these kids for 12 years.  I see cues.  I don't bring it up to hurt anyone, but to help.  Early intervention is critical and a developmental pediatrican can detect possible cues within the first year.

 

 

 It isn't the individual things, it is things in combination.  I merely made a suggestion based upon the information at hand.  A suggestion based upon years of experience.  I never said anything screams of special needs.

Your husband likely meets some of the criteria as well.  This is not a reason to brush it off.

I cannot believe that someone in the field would be so quick to say it is nothing without knowing more of the situation.  Children are being diagnosed at a much younger age, giving them much more time in therapies essential to their lifelong outlook.

tscritch
by Silver Member on Aug. 3, 2013 at 11:22 AM

This story just hurts my heart!!!!


Carpy
by Ruby Member on Aug. 3, 2013 at 11:25 AM
It simply could be the "terrible two's".

Quoting yourspecialkid:

 


Quoting stacymomof2:

I just mean there isn't any behavior mentioned in that piece that seemed abnormal for a two year old. What signs do you think point to the fcact that he may be special needs?


Quoting yourspecialkid:


 



Quoting stacymomof2:

He''s two...





Quoting yourspecialkid:



 I don't think I would call assaulting a minor bigotry.  He should have been brought up on charges.




Has this child been evaluated by a developmental pediatrician?  As a parent of a special needs child I think he needs to be.  Not because of the pink hair ornament.  A couple of other things lifted a flag for me.




 



 Um okay...not sure what your meaning is.


 Language delay and the struggle to get dressed and put shoes on.  The meltdown because of the bear and then the averted meltdown because of the hairband. 


Now it could be that he needed a nap or was having a bad day.  I have been involved with these kids for 12 years.  I see cues.  I don't bring it up to hurt anyone, but to help.  Early intervention is critical and a developmental pediatrican can detect possible cues within the first year.

FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Aug. 3, 2013 at 11:31 AM
1 mom liked this

Honestly, I can't say how I would have reacted but I am pretty certain it would not have been pretty.

It is getting harder and harder to attempt to comprehend some of these stories people share.

..MoonShine..
by Redwood Witch on Aug. 3, 2013 at 11:33 AM
He's TWO.

My youngest was a slow talker...he just didn't have much to say. He also got mad when I took away a toy he was not ready to give up. Both my boys did (and sometimes still do at 4 and 6). Neither one is special needs.


Quoting yourspecialkid:

 


Quoting stacymomof2:

I just mean there isn't any behavior mentioned in that piece that seemed abnormal for a two year old. What signs do you think point to the fcact that he may be special needs?


Quoting yourspecialkid:


 



Quoting stacymomof2:

He''s two...





Quoting yourspecialkid:



 I don't think I would call assaulting a minor bigotry.  He should have been brought up on charges.




Has this child been evaluated by a developmental pediatrician?  As a parent of a special needs child I think he needs to be.  Not because of the pink hair ornament.  A couple of other things lifted a flag for me.




 



 Um okay...not sure what your meaning is.


 Language delay and the struggle to get dressed and put shoes on.  The meltdown because of the bear and then the averted meltdown because of the hairband. 


Now it could be that he needed a nap or was having a bad day.  I have been involved with these kids for 12 years.  I see cues.  I don't bring it up to hurt anyone, but to help.  Early intervention is critical and a developmental pediatrican can detect possible cues within the first year.

Mommy_of_Riley
by Jes on Aug. 3, 2013 at 11:33 AM
1 mom liked this
A grown man calling a two year old a "Fa**ot" and stating he'll be shot for it is 110% bigotry.

And seriously? He's two. Two year olds throw fits. My son is SN and nothing she stated raised a "flag"... She described a Normal 2 year old boy.
Quoting yourspecialkid:

 I don't think I would call assaulting a minor bigotry.  He should have been brought up on charges.


Has this child been evaluated by a developmental pediatrician?  As a parent of a special needs child I think he needs to be.  Not because of the pink hair ornament.  A couple of other things lifted a flag for me.


 

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Mommy_of_Riley
by Jes on Aug. 3, 2013 at 11:39 AM
Most GOOD doctors will not diagnose a child with Autism until they are 3 at the minimum. Age 6 is the official "label" for schools because anytime before that there are way too many factors of "terrible twos", genetic traits, boys just speak later, kids throw fits, etc.

Quoting yourspecialkid:

 


Quoting terpmama:


 


And sometimes being "too close" also clouds judgement... Meltdowns are typical of 2 year olds, as are easy distractions (like letting them choose what to wear and feeling like they have a say/choice - actually the easiest way to avert a meltdown). The late talking could be a boy thing, or a personality thing (my brother talked late but when he did it was full age appropriate sentences -- he's always been a watch and master alone then do person). Nothing screams special needs... And I've been in the field for years too. I often see 'cues' of autism in my oldest... Then I look at my hubby and go "right.... genetics" .


Quoting yourspecialkid:


 


Quoting stacymomof2:

I just mean there isn't any behavior mentioned in that piece that seemed abnormal for a two year old. What signs do you think point to the fcact that he may be special needs?


Quoting yourspecialkid:


 



Quoting stacymomof2:

He''s two...





Quoting yourspecialkid:



 I don't think I would call assaulting a minor bigotry.  He should have been brought up on charges.




Has this child been evaluated by a developmental pediatrician?  As a parent of a special needs child I think he needs to be.  Not because of the pink hair ornament.  A couple of other things lifted a flag for me.




 



 Um okay...not sure what your meaning is.


 Language delay and the struggle to get dressed and put shoes on.  The meltdown because of the bear and then the averted meltdown because of the hairband. 


Now it could be that he needed a nap or was having a bad day.  I have been involved with these kids for 12 years.  I see cues.  I don't bring it up to hurt anyone, but to help.  Early intervention is critical and a developmental pediatrican can detect possible cues within the first year.


 


 


 It isn't the individual things, it is things in combination.  I merely made a suggestion based upon the information at hand.  A suggestion based upon years of experience.  I never said anything screams of special needs.


Your husband likely meets some of the criteria as well.  This is not a reason to brush it off.


I cannot believe that someone in the field would be so quick to say it is nothing without knowing more of the situation.  Children are being diagnosed at a much younger age, giving them much more time in therapies essential to their lifelong outlook.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
mamav2215
by Member on Aug. 3, 2013 at 11:47 AM

First of all, I'm not surprised no one came to your aid or to support you. our society is amazingly uninvolved. if it isn't happening to you, you don't say anything. It's absurd. I promise you, if myself or my husband had been there that man would have left feeling like a big idiot. I mean who wears cut of shorts/shirt, and boots? :)  We also would have comforted you and told you that how you're raising your kid... is not only acceptable, but admirable. 

In our society, it's perfectly acceptable for a girl to be into more "boy" things than for a boy to be into "girl" things. We even have a nice word for girls.... tomboy... but boys... they just get called, "femmy" or worse. It's disgusting.  AND i think it's AWESOME that instead of perpetuating this horrible idea you're allowing your kid to play and figure out what he likes and who he is without you telling him what he should be.  Even if your little boy does grow up to be gay.... that headband had nothing to do with it. If you took the stance, "no, you're a boy you don't wear headbands" and took it away, he'd still grow up to be gay... he'd just suffer from MANY more doubts about himself and feel unsupported by you which will lead to a whole host of problems. OR he'll grow up to be straight and he'll cringe at his little pictures o fhimself in headbands when you show his future wife, and she'll think it's adorable. REGARDLESS it doesn't matter what the kid wears as long as he's happy and healthy. 

As for this man doing any of the things he did... I'd like to say I'd have called the cops; but of course you have no idea how you're going to react until it happens. You and your child were violated and what he did is completely unacceptable. I am glad your little boy is only 2 and most likely will forget about it very soon... unfortuatenly you never will. The man is disgusting, not only for his appearance/smells but for his character. I feel sorry for his children if he has/had any. Can you imagine growing up with HIM?

IMO you sound like one hell of a mom... keep it up!

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