Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Current Events & Hot Topics Current Events & Hot Topics

Parents Give Adopted Kids Away When They Decide They Don't Like Them??

Posted by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 8:39 AM
  • 334 Replies
6 moms liked this

Parents Give Adopted Kids Away When They Decide They Don't Like Them

by Kiri Blakeley

All over America, there are people giving away their children on the Internet. And I'm not even talking about the twisted ones who loan out their kids to pedophiles. I'm talking about parents who've decided their kids are too much trouble and want to "rehome" their children like one might do with a pet (which I am also against, btw). Unless you hang out on these specific Internet boards (and let's hope you don't), you probably don't realize that reportedly there are parents all over this country who are handing over their "troublesome" kids to complete strangers, hoping they can do a better job of it. Or at least just wanting to be rid of said troublemaker. As one mom put it about her 12-year-old daughter, "I would have given her away to a serial killer, I was so desperate." What?!

An investigative probe by Reuters and NBC News delved deep into underground "adoptions" that are really no more than people posting on the Internet that they don't want their kids anymore and are looking for someone who does. Most of the time, but not all of the time, these kids were adopted from foreign countries. The children usually range in age from 6 to 14. Over a five-year period, Reuters found on average one child a week being "rehomed." (The actual term these people use -- I guess "abandonment" doesn't sound so nice.)

The parents usually want to rid themselves of kids who came with unexpected behavioral issues -- and the adoptive parents usually give up and don't want to deal anymore. The ads sound like people's listings for bothersome pets -- only they're talking kids. Wrote one "mother": "I am totally ashamed to say it, but we do truly hate this boy!"

Others take a different tack and use more enticing advertising. One ad read:

Born in October of 2000 -- this handsome boy 'Rick' was placed from India a year ago and is obedient and eager to please.

Naturally, the kids then often fall into the hands of abusers, pedophiles, and molesters. All of this apparently goes on either with little government oversight or illegally. Sometimes the kids are tracked down and returned to their adoptive parents. Which doesn't sound like the best idea either.

I sympathize with parents who find themselves with children they didn't quite sign up for -- ones who can be dangerous to the rest of the household, or who eat up immense amounts of emotional and psychological energy, or finances.

But when you sign up to become a parent, you don't always get what you want. A kid isn't a toy. A kid isn't some fantasy ideal. Deciding to become a parent is a lifelong commitment -- whether you birthed that child or not. And if it doesn't turn out the way you pictured it, then seek help. Handing over a kid to a stranger on the Internet is just crazy. DON'T become a parent if you can't take on a lifelong responsibility that may not be the one you pictured.

What do you think of this?

by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 8:39 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Themis_Defleo
by Bronze Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 8:59 AM
There are two threads on this already. It's atrocious.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
STVUstudent
by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 9:11 AM
8 moms liked this

It is one sad aspect of the unsavory underbelly... for many adoptive parents, they really didn't know what they were getting themselves into... that cute strings-free kid from the Russian orphanage came with "less" baggage than the domestic child adopted from foster care... when in reality, BOTH kids are FAS, BOTH kids came from genetic cesspools of drugs, alcohol and mental health issues... but with the foreign adoption, you have less transparency... you have "bought" a child who turns out to have mega issues...

NOT TRUE IN EVERY CASE, or even most cases, but MOST adoption cases do not wind up with children being traded or given away to strangers...  My kids were adopted from foster care.  They have issues.  BUT... I knew that they had issues when they came to me...

lilangilyn
by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 9:13 AM
17 moms liked this

I understand why this would happen. Adoptive parents go into these situations thinking they will receive a baby or small child who has been handled with loving care. Instead they get a child who has been abused with slaps and pinches and who has withdrawn into reactive attachment disorder and other dysfunction.

I had a friend whose two boys from Russia thought it was funny to poop on the stairs and then smear it all over the walls. They were 4 and 5 when first adopted. They were still playing with their poop into middle school. They had intensive counseling. They are now adults and both are in prison on drug and assault charges. These parents kept these children at great cost to themselves and two biological children they had. Their biological children are OK and now successful adults. I have many of these type of stories from friends and even relatives.

Until you walk in another person's shoes, you cannot really know the grief and even terror they might be going through. I am talking about the parents here. I don't judge the parents for giving the children away but there are more effective and safer interventions. I have heard it is possible to give these children to the state to raise.

 

supercarp
by Silver Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 9:19 AM
1 mom liked this

Not everyone is well suited to being a parent. Adoptive parents are screened, but a few lemons are likely to fall through the cracks. The number of natural parents who are terrible parents is much more appalling. Teens makes terrible parents, in general. They usually get a lot of help from their own parents.

Bookwormy
by Platinum Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 10:40 AM
4 moms liked this
Sometimes adoptions are disrupted & parental rights terminated. Giving the child away on the internet to a stranger isn't the right way.
mcginnisc
by Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 10:46 AM
9 moms liked this



Quoting STVUstudent:

It is one sad aspect of the unsavory underbelly... for many adoptive parents, they really didn't know what they were getting themselves into... that cute strings-free kid from the Russian orphanage came with "less" baggage than the domestic child adopted from foster care... when in reality, BOTH kids are FAS, BOTH kids came from genetic cesspools of drugs, alcohol and mental health issues... but with the foreign adoption, you have less transparency... you have "bought" a child who turns out to have mega issues...

NOT TRUE IN EVERY CASE, or even most cases, but MOST adoption cases do not wind up with children being traded or given away to strangers...  My kids were adopted from foster care.  They have issues.  BUT... I knew that they had issues when they came to me...

I can't even begin to tell you how much I loathe that term. I did not buy my child. Yes, I see the quotations, but it still irks me as that is the mindset of so many people when it is not true at all. 


Claire


" I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13 

romalove
by Roma on Sep. 10, 2013 at 10:49 AM
2 moms liked this

I remember a long time ago reading that 10 percent of adoptions end up failed, usually because parents have a child who has attachment disorders.  When you adopt a child, especially an older child who has been through many caretakers, or who has been in orphanages for long stretches with custodial care but not the individual warmth of a mother, those children can be so psychologically damaged that you cannot fix it.

My daughter's first grade teacher adopted two children from China.  The first one was adopted at five months.  The second one was adopted at ten months.  The ten month old had horrible attachment issues.  When I knew this woman she still held on to the child, but it was a traumatic struggle for her daily.

I don't think "giving kids away" on the internet is the answer.

KreatingMe
by Silver Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 11:03 AM

I know a woman who adopted her children from foster care and essentially farmed everyone of them out to the system, group homes, residential facilities, etc. It's so awful, it's beyond words.

housewifehell
by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 11:14 AM
2 moms liked this

this just makes me wonder where we are headed when these kinds of things are going on.

Chelsey191
by Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 11:48 AM
19 moms liked this
Yet another reason I would rather abort then adoption.
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)