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How To Turn Your Son Into a Sexual Basket Case

Posted by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 1:50 PM
  • 47 Replies

One of the bloggers I follow posted this this this morning and I thought it might spark an interesting conversation. It seems that a common train of thought is that girls don't need to be taught to take precautions against rape, instead we should be focusing on teaching boys not to rape, but do you think that can go too far? Is it really fair or healthy?

How to Turn Your Son into an Sexual Basket Case

 Tuesday, September 10, 2013 12:39 PM Comments (8)

All right, so we’re all agreed that we don’t want our sons to grow up to be like Robin Thicke.  But the Thicke school of sex ed is not the only place where boys get a distorted, damaging education about sexuality; and girls are not the only ones being shamed. 

The author of What My 1o-Year-Old Son Knows about Rape So Far lives near a college campus, and she and her son often see shirtless boys acting macho and girls acting flirty.  Her son has questions about why the boys and girls act and dress the way they do, and, she says “he spends quite a bit of time wondering about himself in eight years.”

So she responds by telling him that, sometimes, the shirtless boys he sees get drunk and rape girls, and that someday he will get drunk, and when he does, he better stop himself before he rapes anyone, or she will disown him.

Here a few circumstances under which her approach would be correct:

--If her son has already tried to rape someone;
--if her son is a sociopath who doesn’t care whether he’s hurting people, and needs to be scared into submission;
--if her son is so developmentally disabled that he can’t tell when he’s hurting people, and needs to be scared into submission.

Her son is not like that, though.  What she says about her son is that "he’s trying his best to figure out a few things about relationships and sexuality," and "he’s confused."

He’s ten.  He knows almost nothing about girls, and hardly anything more about himself.  He barely understands, from the way she describes it, the mechanisms of sex.  But one of the first lessons she teaches him about his body is:

"Let’s be honest:  the penis does what it does, and whether the sex is consensual or not, that penis is engaged in an action that is pretty consistent whether it’s a happy experience or a horrible experience."

Her intention, I suppose, is to drive home the point that consent is paramount.  But the effect, I guarantee you, will be to make her son feel guilty about having a penis -- and to have guilt and excitement forever twined together in his heart and imagination. 

I hope, for the sake of her son, that she’s exaggerating, and misrepresenting the way she really speaks to him.  But there’s this:

"I’ve made him repeat after me: I will never force myself upon a woman or a man. It simply isn’t a choice. I’ve gone so far as to tell him that if he rapes somebody, he’ll have to find a new family in prison and that he won’t get to hang out with us anymore. That almost made him cry."

She threatened her ten-year-old son with having to “find a new family” if he does what she seems to imagine that he will almost certainly do if his mother (his mother.  Where is the dad in all of this?  She says she's married. Why is he not the one having these conversations?) doesn’t drum into his head that boys are super rapey, and he damn well better tamp that inherent rapiness down.

This is abuse.

She says, “I know that one day, he’ll unwrap it all and make it his own in a healthy way.”

No, my friend, he won’t.  One day, he’ll realize that the reason all his relationships crash and burn is that his own mother tried to make him feel guilty for being born a boy.

If we believe that girls should not be shamed, then we owe the same care to boys.  If we teach girls to respect their bodies and to expect to be respected, then we owe the same lesson to boys.  We don’t teach girls about sexuality by saying, “Let’s be honest, vaginas have a way of forcing boys into fatherhood whether it’s consensual or not, so you better keep it to yourself, or you better find a new family in the home for unwed mothers, because you won’t get to hang around us anymore.”  So, why, oh why, would you say that to your son?

Most boys are physically stronger than most girls.  Boys are usually the ones who rape, not girls.  I get it.  Boys do need to be told that they must not use that strength to abuse other people. 

But boys have just as strong a need as girls to hear from their parents that their sexuality is something good, something powerful, a gift given to them from God.  Making a ten-year-old boy chant, “I promise mommy I’ll never rape”?   Not gonna send that message.

My prediction?  The first time this kid has anything approaching a sexual experience, no matter how consensual on the woman’s part, he’s going to fall apart, because his idea of sexuality is a big, knotted ball of guilt and fear and shame.  Or even before that:  something totally innocent will happen – say, he’ll be leaning over to get a drink at the water fountain, and will accidentally drool on the girl standing next to it -- and, being a ten-year-old boy, he will be so confused that he’ll be convinced he somehow accidentally raped her, and his mother won’t love him anymore, and he should run away from home.

I used the phrase “basket case” deliberately.  It originally meant a soldier who’d lost his arms and legs, and had to be carried around in a basket. With his appendages blown off, he was powerless, considered useless.
 
This is what this woman is doing to her son:  turning him, emotionally, into a sexual amputee.  You want to shame someone?  Shame on her.



Read more: http://www.ncregister.com/blog/simcha-fisher/how-to-turn-your-son-into-an-sexual-basket-case#ixzz2eVsRiKpm

                      

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9                                                   My Blog

by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 1:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
pansyprincess
by Silver Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 1:54 PM

Holy crap.  That moms sounds freakin' nuts!!!  That poor boy is going to be scared to death to even glance at a girl.  Wow.  I'm not sure what else to say about that.  Shame on her is right. 

beesbad
by Bronze Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 2:44 PM

What that mother did is the equivalent of a dad telling his daughter that if she dresses a certain way she is 'asking for it'.

LindaClement
by Thatwoman on Sep. 10, 2013 at 2:45 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree.

Quoting pansyprincess:

Holy crap.  That moms sounds freakin' nuts!!!  That poor boy is going to be scared to death to even glance at a girl.  Wow.  I'm not sure what else to say about that.  Shame on her is right. 


LindaClement
by Thatwoman on Sep. 10, 2013 at 2:47 PM
4 moms liked this

The 'solution' is to teach everyone to respect themselves and their own bodies, and to understand that the only body they're allowed to do anything at all they want to is their own.

It seems to be somehow secret information, that all the rest of the bodies in the world are occupied by real people, who get to make their own decisions about their own bodies.

Of course, considering how children are very often treated by parents, teachers and other authorities, I can't pretend to be surprised that few grow up to understand the term 'autonomy.'

krysstizzle
by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 2:48 PM
4 moms liked this

The mother the blogger is referring to sounds completely ridiculous. 

Anything can go too far. In order to raise respectful sons, it takes more than words and threats. It takes treating them with respect, having male role models that are decent and respectful, having on-going conversations about society and the world around them and how that operates. It takes speaking up when you see something really wrong happening and encouraging them to do the same. Raising boys that don't rape doesn't require pointed threats, it just requires raising them right and with awareness and with intention. 

eta: I wrote specifically of boys since I am raising boys and we're talking about boys and rape. The same could be said of girls and raising them. 

LindaClement
by Thatwoman on Sep. 10, 2013 at 2:50 PM

I totally agree. Plus:

The threats themselves actually add to the problem.

Who, in general, would you expect to be more likely to usurp power and control over someone else's body: someone who feels powerful and free or someone whose personal power and autonomy has always been under someone else's control?

Quoting krysstizzle:

The mother the blogger is referring to sounds completely ridiculous. 

Anything can go too far. In order to raise respectful sons, it takes more than words and threats. It takes treating them with respect, having male role models that are decent and respectful, having on-going conversations about society and the world around them and how that operates. It takes speaking up when you see something really wrong happening and encouraging them to do the same. Raising boys that don't rape doesn't require pointed threats, it just requires raising them right and with awareness and with intention. 


FromAtoZ
by AllieCat on Sep. 10, 2013 at 2:52 PM

Ugh.  I wish I had time to really get in to this now but I don't.

I do want to read this after work and see how the conversation goes.

I have my own opinions, based on my own experiences and raising three daughters.

Now, off to the races....................................

UpSheRises
by Platinum Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 2:55 PM

I'm not completely convinced the mother behaved in the way in the blogger described.

I think the best thing to do it to encourage empathy and treat people with dignity and respect.

NWP
by guerrilla girl on Sep. 10, 2013 at 2:55 PM

Ugh...We need to stop the sexual shaming all the way around.

rfurlongg
by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 2:56 PM

 I agree. I have 3 sons.

Quoting krysstizzle:

The mother the blogger is referring to sounds completely ridiculous. 

Anything can go too far. In order to raise respectful sons, it takes more than words and threats. It takes treating them with respect, having male role models that are decent and respectful, having on-going conversations about society and the world around them and how that operates. It takes speaking up when you see something really wrong happening and encouraging them to do the same. Raising boys that don't rape doesn't require pointed threats, it just requires raising them right and with awareness and with intention. 

eta: I wrote specifically of boys since I am raising boys and we're talking about boys and rape. The same could be said of girls and raising them. 

 

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