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How To Turn Your Son Into a Sexual Basket Case

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One of the bloggers I follow posted this this this morning and I thought it might spark an interesting conversation. It seems that a common train of thought is that girls don't need to be taught to take precautions against rape, instead we should be focusing on teaching boys not to rape, but do you think that can go too far? Is it really fair or healthy?

How to Turn Your Son into an Sexual Basket Case

 Tuesday, September 10, 2013 12:39 PM Comments (8)

All right, so we’re all agreed that we don’t want our sons to grow up to be like Robin Thicke.  But the Thicke school of sex ed is not the only place where boys get a distorted, damaging education about sexuality; and girls are not the only ones being shamed. 

The author of What My 1o-Year-Old Son Knows about Rape So Far lives near a college campus, and she and her son often see shirtless boys acting macho and girls acting flirty.  Her son has questions about why the boys and girls act and dress the way they do, and, she says “he spends quite a bit of time wondering about himself in eight years.”

So she responds by telling him that, sometimes, the shirtless boys he sees get drunk and rape girls, and that someday he will get drunk, and when he does, he better stop himself before he rapes anyone, or she will disown him.

Here a few circumstances under which her approach would be correct:

--If her son has already tried to rape someone;
--if her son is a sociopath who doesn’t care whether he’s hurting people, and needs to be scared into submission;
--if her son is so developmentally disabled that he can’t tell when he’s hurting people, and needs to be scared into submission.

Her son is not like that, though.  What she says about her son is that "he’s trying his best to figure out a few things about relationships and sexuality," and "he’s confused."

He’s ten.  He knows almost nothing about girls, and hardly anything more about himself.  He barely understands, from the way she describes it, the mechanisms of sex.  But one of the first lessons she teaches him about his body is:

"Let’s be honest:  the penis does what it does, and whether the sex is consensual or not, that penis is engaged in an action that is pretty consistent whether it’s a happy experience or a horrible experience."

Her intention, I suppose, is to drive home the point that consent is paramount.  But the effect, I guarantee you, will be to make her son feel guilty about having a penis -- and to have guilt and excitement forever twined together in his heart and imagination. 

I hope, for the sake of her son, that she’s exaggerating, and misrepresenting the way she really speaks to him.  But there’s this:

"I’ve made him repeat after me: I will never force myself upon a woman or a man. It simply isn’t a choice. I’ve gone so far as to tell him that if he rapes somebody, he’ll have to find a new family in prison and that he won’t get to hang out with us anymore. That almost made him cry."

She threatened her ten-year-old son with having to “find a new family” if he does what she seems to imagine that he will almost certainly do if his mother (his mother.  Where is the dad in all of this?  She says she's married. Why is he not the one having these conversations?) doesn’t drum into his head that boys are super rapey, and he damn well better tamp that inherent rapiness down.

This is abuse.

She says, “I know that one day, he’ll unwrap it all and make it his own in a healthy way.”

No, my friend, he won’t.  One day, he’ll realize that the reason all his relationships crash and burn is that his own mother tried to make him feel guilty for being born a boy.

If we believe that girls should not be shamed, then we owe the same care to boys.  If we teach girls to respect their bodies and to expect to be respected, then we owe the same lesson to boys.  We don’t teach girls about sexuality by saying, “Let’s be honest, vaginas have a way of forcing boys into fatherhood whether it’s consensual or not, so you better keep it to yourself, or you better find a new family in the home for unwed mothers, because you won’t get to hang around us anymore.”  So, why, oh why, would you say that to your son?

Most boys are physically stronger than most girls.  Boys are usually the ones who rape, not girls.  I get it.  Boys do need to be told that they must not use that strength to abuse other people. 

But boys have just as strong a need as girls to hear from their parents that their sexuality is something good, something powerful, a gift given to them from God.  Making a ten-year-old boy chant, “I promise mommy I’ll never rape”?   Not gonna send that message.

My prediction?  The first time this kid has anything approaching a sexual experience, no matter how consensual on the woman’s part, he’s going to fall apart, because his idea of sexuality is a big, knotted ball of guilt and fear and shame.  Or even before that:  something totally innocent will happen – say, he’ll be leaning over to get a drink at the water fountain, and will accidentally drool on the girl standing next to it -- and, being a ten-year-old boy, he will be so confused that he’ll be convinced he somehow accidentally raped her, and his mother won’t love him anymore, and he should run away from home.

I used the phrase “basket case” deliberately.  It originally meant a soldier who’d lost his arms and legs, and had to be carried around in a basket. With his appendages blown off, he was powerless, considered useless.
 
This is what this woman is doing to her son:  turning him, emotionally, into a sexual amputee.  You want to shame someone?  Shame on her.



Read more: http://www.ncregister.com/blog/simcha-fisher/how-to-turn-your-son-into-an-sexual-basket-case#ixzz2eVsRiKpm

                      

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9                                                   My Blog

by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 1:50 PM
Replies (21-30):
LindaClement
by Thatwoman on Sep. 10, 2013 at 4:25 PM

It's true.

Quoting ..MoonShine..:

This article is an EXTREME case. We can teach our boys the importance of consent, respect, and boundaries without making threats and making them feel like they might be evil. 

Quoting AlekD:

The point I was trying to make is that, whenever the topic comes up, people like to make the argument that women don't need to be taught to take precautions against rape, we just need to spend more time teaching men not to rape. In reality though, it isn't as if rapists just don't happen to know that rape is bad, like no one ever told them. They just don't care. Of course guys should know it's wrong to rape, but sitting there drilling it into them is just going to make them into basket cases, as this article says. 

Quoting SuperChicken:

Ummm, yes, it is "fair" and "healthy" to teach boys not to rape.   One doesn't need to be a demented lunatic about it, but there's nothing wrong with telling boys they are responsible for their own actions no matter how drunk or otherwise incapacitated a girl is.




PinkButterfly66
by Gold Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 4:28 PM
1 mom liked this

Way to screw up your son, mom!  

lokilover
by Bronze Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 4:35 PM
1 mom liked this



Quoting UpSheRises:

I'm not completely convinced the mother behaved in the way in the blogger described.

I think the best thing to do it to encourage empathy and treat people with dignity and respect.

The blog she's quoting from is right there in the OP. This isn't a third-hand account, it's straight from the horse's mouth. 

A better question would be why you assumed that the writer was not telling the truth. What biases were you operating under?

jaxTheMomm
by Platinum Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 4:36 PM

I agree - if you go to the orginial piece, the author is chided for that specifically.

I think that we have to raise our kids with empathy and compassion, and we have to teach them to not objectify others.

Quoting AlekD:

The point I was trying to make is that, whenever the topic comes up, people like to make the argument that women don't need to be taught to take precautions against rape, we just need to spend more time teaching men not to rape. In reality though, it isn't as if rapists just don't happen to know that rape is bad, like no one ever told them. They just don't care. Of course guys should know it's wrong to rape, but sitting there drilling it into them is just going to make them into basket cases, as this article says. 

Quoting SuperChicken:

Ummm, yes, it is "fair" and "healthy" to teach boys not to rape.   One doesn't need to be a demented lunatic about it, but there's nothing wrong with telling boys they are responsible for their own actions no matter how drunk or otherwise incapacitated a girl is.




lokilover
by Bronze Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 4:37 PM



Quoting ..MoonShine..:

This article is an EXTREME case. We can teach our boys the importance of consent, respect, and boundaries without making threats and making them feel like they might be evil. 

Quoting AlekD:

The point I was trying to make is that, whenever the topic comes up, people like to make the argument that women don't need to be taught to take precautions against rape, we just need to spend more time teaching men not to rape. In reality though, it isn't as if rapists just don't happen to know that rape is bad, like no one ever told them. They just don't care. Of course guys should know it's wrong to rape, but sitting there drilling it into them is just going to make them into basket cases, as this article says. 

Quoting SuperChicken:

Ummm, yes, it is "fair" and "healthy" to teach boys not to rape.   One doesn't need to be a demented lunatic about it, but there's nothing wrong with telling boys they are responsible for their own actions no matter how drunk or otherwise incapacitated a girl is.



Yes, exactly. The way this woman is teaching her son isn't even going to work anyways, it's going to give him a bunch of sexual complexes.


stringtheory
by Gold Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 4:38 PM
1 mom liked this
Yeah, if this was the way things generally go down, this might be relevant to...anything. The fact is, both male and female can handle discussion about sex that not only doesn't shame them but can give them a healthy respect for its consequences, good and bad. Unfortunately, more girls will be told that if they have sex, they lose worth somehow than boys will be told "you're bound to grow up wanting to rape so just know I won't love you anymore if you do!" Glad this blogger found a nutcase (whose existence is questionable) to illustrate the not-so-prevalent issue of male sex shaming.

ETA: The mom exists and says she said those things to her ten year old son, but my opinion remains the same.
lokilover
by Bronze Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 4:40 PM



Quoting stringtheory:

Yeah, if this was the way things generally go down, this might be relevant to...anything. The fact is, both male and female can handle discussion about sex that not only doesn't shame them but can give them a healthy respect for its consequences, good and bad. Unfortunately, more girls will be told that if they have sex, they lose worth somehow than boys will be told "you're bound to grow up wanting to rape so just know I won't love you anymore if you do!" Glad this blogger found a nutcase (whose existence is questionable) to illustrate the not-so-prevalent issue of male sex shaming.

What do you mean her existence is questionable? 


stringtheory
by Gold Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 4:45 PM
I was about to edit to add that I read the blog post of this particular mom...yes, she's real, so I stand corrected, but she is far from the cultural norm, so my opinion doesn't change. At all.

Quoting lokilover:




Quoting stringtheory:

Yeah, if this was the way things generally go down, this might be relevant to...anything. The fact is, both male and female can handle discussion about sex that not only doesn't shame them but can give them a healthy respect for its consequences, good and bad. Unfortunately, more girls will be told that if they have sex, they lose worth somehow than boys will be told "you're bound to grow up wanting to rape so just know I won't love you anymore if you do!" Glad this blogger found a nutcase (whose existence is questionable) to illustrate the not-so-prevalent issue of male sex shaming.

What do you mean her existence is questionable? 



Aestas
by Gold Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 4:48 PM

This article completely misrepresents what the linked post says. Completely.

UpSheRises
by Platinum Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 4:50 PM

 


Quoting lokilover:

 

 

Quoting UpSheRises:

I'm not completely convinced the mother behaved in the way in the blogger described.

I think the best thing to do it to encourage empathy and treat people with dignity and respect.

The blog she's quoting from is right there in the OP. This isn't a third-hand account, it's straight from the horse's mouth. 

A better question would be why you assumed that the writer was not telling the truth. What biases were you operating under?


 

It just doesn't sound realistic to me. It seems over the top and exaggerated. What bias do you think i am operating under? I guess i'd just call it personal.

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