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How To Turn Your Son Into a Sexual Basket Case

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One of the bloggers I follow posted this this this morning and I thought it might spark an interesting conversation. It seems that a common train of thought is that girls don't need to be taught to take precautions against rape, instead we should be focusing on teaching boys not to rape, but do you think that can go too far? Is it really fair or healthy?

How to Turn Your Son into an Sexual Basket Case

 Tuesday, September 10, 2013 12:39 PM Comments (8)

All right, so we’re all agreed that we don’t want our sons to grow up to be like Robin Thicke.  But the Thicke school of sex ed is not the only place where boys get a distorted, damaging education about sexuality; and girls are not the only ones being shamed. 

The author of What My 1o-Year-Old Son Knows about Rape So Far lives near a college campus, and she and her son often see shirtless boys acting macho and girls acting flirty.  Her son has questions about why the boys and girls act and dress the way they do, and, she says “he spends quite a bit of time wondering about himself in eight years.”

So she responds by telling him that, sometimes, the shirtless boys he sees get drunk and rape girls, and that someday he will get drunk, and when he does, he better stop himself before he rapes anyone, or she will disown him.

Here a few circumstances under which her approach would be correct:

--If her son has already tried to rape someone;
--if her son is a sociopath who doesn’t care whether he’s hurting people, and needs to be scared into submission;
--if her son is so developmentally disabled that he can’t tell when he’s hurting people, and needs to be scared into submission.

Her son is not like that, though.  What she says about her son is that "he’s trying his best to figure out a few things about relationships and sexuality," and "he’s confused."

He’s ten.  He knows almost nothing about girls, and hardly anything more about himself.  He barely understands, from the way she describes it, the mechanisms of sex.  But one of the first lessons she teaches him about his body is:

"Let’s be honest:  the penis does what it does, and whether the sex is consensual or not, that penis is engaged in an action that is pretty consistent whether it’s a happy experience or a horrible experience."

Her intention, I suppose, is to drive home the point that consent is paramount.  But the effect, I guarantee you, will be to make her son feel guilty about having a penis -- and to have guilt and excitement forever twined together in his heart and imagination. 

I hope, for the sake of her son, that she’s exaggerating, and misrepresenting the way she really speaks to him.  But there’s this:

"I’ve made him repeat after me: I will never force myself upon a woman or a man. It simply isn’t a choice. I’ve gone so far as to tell him that if he rapes somebody, he’ll have to find a new family in prison and that he won’t get to hang out with us anymore. That almost made him cry."

She threatened her ten-year-old son with having to “find a new family” if he does what she seems to imagine that he will almost certainly do if his mother (his mother.  Where is the dad in all of this?  She says she's married. Why is he not the one having these conversations?) doesn’t drum into his head that boys are super rapey, and he damn well better tamp that inherent rapiness down.

This is abuse.

She says, “I know that one day, he’ll unwrap it all and make it his own in a healthy way.”

No, my friend, he won’t.  One day, he’ll realize that the reason all his relationships crash and burn is that his own mother tried to make him feel guilty for being born a boy.

If we believe that girls should not be shamed, then we owe the same care to boys.  If we teach girls to respect their bodies and to expect to be respected, then we owe the same lesson to boys.  We don’t teach girls about sexuality by saying, “Let’s be honest, vaginas have a way of forcing boys into fatherhood whether it’s consensual or not, so you better keep it to yourself, or you better find a new family in the home for unwed mothers, because you won’t get to hang around us anymore.”  So, why, oh why, would you say that to your son?

Most boys are physically stronger than most girls.  Boys are usually the ones who rape, not girls.  I get it.  Boys do need to be told that they must not use that strength to abuse other people. 

But boys have just as strong a need as girls to hear from their parents that their sexuality is something good, something powerful, a gift given to them from God.  Making a ten-year-old boy chant, “I promise mommy I’ll never rape”?   Not gonna send that message.

My prediction?  The first time this kid has anything approaching a sexual experience, no matter how consensual on the woman’s part, he’s going to fall apart, because his idea of sexuality is a big, knotted ball of guilt and fear and shame.  Or even before that:  something totally innocent will happen – say, he’ll be leaning over to get a drink at the water fountain, and will accidentally drool on the girl standing next to it -- and, being a ten-year-old boy, he will be so confused that he’ll be convinced he somehow accidentally raped her, and his mother won’t love him anymore, and he should run away from home.

I used the phrase “basket case” deliberately.  It originally meant a soldier who’d lost his arms and legs, and had to be carried around in a basket. With his appendages blown off, he was powerless, considered useless.
 
This is what this woman is doing to her son:  turning him, emotionally, into a sexual amputee.  You want to shame someone?  Shame on her.



Read more: http://www.ncregister.com/blog/simcha-fisher/how-to-turn-your-son-into-an-sexual-basket-case#ixzz2eVsRiKpm

                      

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9                                                   My Blog

by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 1:50 PM
Replies (41-47):
Aestas
by Gold Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 5:31 PM

She's trying to navigate the tricky terrain of teaching her child about intimacy and consent in a culture where sexuality is wrapped up with violence. She didn't create that world; it's in the media, it's everywhere. She's just trying to help her kid puzzle it out. He'll be getting his own education through movies like Twilight, where abusive behavior is equated with passionate love; through pop songs about bitches and sluts who "want it," even if they're saying otherwise; through peers who tell rape jokes or text each other pictures of topless girls without those girls' consent, and on and on. She's giving him a window on this world in a safe environment where he can talk openly about his confusion and ask questions.

It is truly a shame that rape should be wrapped up with healthy sexuality, but this mom didn't make it that way. Our culture does that.

Quoting lokilover:
Here's the problem with how she is teaching her son about rape:

"It’s a solemn conversation. He doesn’t say much, and I can tell he’s confused. And I realize, in the context of our conversations, that his awakening sexuality is, in fact, linked to the act of rape. These two things are merged together for him, in part because of the close proximity of Steubenville, in part because of the emergence of naked bodies all over campus, and in part, because it seemed like the right conversation to have, for now."

She is teaching him about rape in such a way that is becoming wrapped up in his sexuality. That is an extremely unhealthy and possibly dangerous thing to teach him. The OP's blog post is justified in it's critique. 

Also, the whole anti-rape mantras thing and making him cry by telling him he's going to need a new family if he rapes someone. Ye shall know them by their fruits.


lokilover
by Bronze Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 5:42 PM



Quoting Aestas:

She's trying to navigate the tricky terrain of teaching her child about intimacy and consent in a culture where sexuality is wrapped up with violence. She didn't create that world; it's in the media, it's everywhere. She's just trying to help her kid puzzle it out. He'll be getting his own education through movies like Twilight, where abusive behavior is equated with passionate love; through pop songs about bitches and sluts who "want it," even if they're saying otherwise; through peers who tell rape jokes or text each other pictures of topless girls without those girls' consent, and on and on. She's giving him a window on this world in a safe environment where he can talk openly about his confusion and ask questions.

It is truly a shame that rape should be wrapped up with healthy sexuality, but this mom didn't make it that way. Our culture does that.

Quoting lokilover:
Here's the problem with how she is teaching her son about rape:

"It’s a solemn conversation. He doesn’t say much, and I can tell he’s confused. And I realize, in the context of our conversations, that his awakening sexuality is, in fact, linked to the act of rape. These two things are merged together for him, in part because of the close proximity of Steubenville, in part because of the emergence of naked bodies all over campus, and in part, because it seemed like the right conversation to have, for now."

She is teaching him about rape in such a way that is becoming wrapped up in his sexuality. That is an extremely unhealthy and possibly dangerous thing to teach him. The OP's blog post is justified in it's critique. 

Also, the whole anti-rape mantras thing and making him cry by telling him he's going to need a new family if he rapes someone. Ye shall know them by their fruits.


Except that if you read the piece, you would know that she doesn't link this to the surrounding culture, she links it to the physicality of having a penis itself:

"We’ve all been told that a loving and healthy sexual relationship isn’t the same thing as rape, but let’s be honest: the penis does what it does, and whether the sex is consensual or not, that penis is engaged in an action that is pretty consistent whether it’s a happy experience or a horrible experience."

This is not talking about culture, she believes that the penis and the penis-bearer are as intrinsically linked to rape as they are to healthy sexuality. This continuum or "consistency of action" is tied directly into it's mechanics, which she goes on to detail. This is why the article has such an emphasis on the penis itself.

I think you and I must be reading different blog posts. 


Aestas
by Gold Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 5:56 PM


Quoting lokilover:

Quoting Aestas:

She's trying to navigate the tricky terrain of teaching her child about intimacy and consent in a culture where sexuality is wrapped up with violence. She didn't create that world; it's in the media, it's everywhere. She's just trying to help her kid puzzle it out. He'll be getting his own education through movies like Twilight, where abusive behavior is equated with passionate love; through pop songs about bitches and sluts who "want it," even if they're saying otherwise; through peers who tell rape jokes or text each other pictures of topless girls without those girls' consent, and on and on. She's giving him a window on this world in a safe environment where he can talk openly about his confusion and ask questions.

It is truly a shame that rape should be wrapped up with healthy sexuality, but this mom didn't make it that way. Our culture does that.

Quoting lokilover:
Here's the problem with how she is teaching her son about rape:

"It’s a solemn conversation. He doesn’t say much, and I can tell he’s confused. And I realize, in the context of our conversations, that his awakening sexuality is, in fact, linked to the act of rape. These two things are merged together for him, in part because of the close proximity of Steubenville, in part because of the emergence of naked bodies all over campus, and in part, because it seemed like the right conversation to have, for now."

She is teaching him about rape in such a way that is becoming wrapped up in his sexuality. That is an extremely unhealthy and possibly dangerous thing to teach him. The OP's blog post is justified in it's critique. 

Also, the whole anti-rape mantras thing and making him cry by telling him he's going to need a new family if he rapes someone. Ye shall know them by their fruits.

Except that if you read the piece, you would know that she doesn't link this to the surrounding culture, she links it to the physicality of having a penis itself:

"We’ve all been told that a loving and healthy sexual relationship isn’t the same thing as rape, but let’s be honest: the penis does what it does, and whether the sex is consensual or not, that penis is engaged in an action that is pretty consistent whether it’s a happy experience or a horrible experience."

This is not talking about culture, she believes that the penis and the penis-bearer are as intrinsically linked to rape as they are to healthy sexuality. This continuum or "consistency of action" is tied directly into it's mechanics, which she goes on to detail. This is why the article has such an emphasis on the penis itself.

I think you and I must be reading different blog posts. 

I think we must be, because she spends a lot of time talking about Steubenville, college kids, and other facets of the culture that caused her to have this conversation with him in the first place. I'm not sure how you're getting what you said out of what she said, but we're obviously not understanding the post in the same way.

fireangel5
by Gold Member on Sep. 10, 2013 at 7:47 PM
1 mom liked this

Mom has a few screws loose and an extremely skewed view of sexuality, especially male sexuality. Her husband needs to stand up and rescue that poor boy from her crap.

Euphoric
by Bazinga! on Sep. 10, 2013 at 7:51 PM

 yikes

lilmama31709
by on Sep. 10, 2013 at 9:16 PM
2 moms liked this
Am I wrong for thinking "if you raised your child to simply respect others, male and female, and did your best to convey that message through
Your own actions, then you'd probably get the message across?" I mean, do you or your husband lack morals in such a way that he would think this was okay? And why would you say that when a kid just asked why specific people behave the way they do? Wouldn't a good answer for a 10year old be. "He wants attention from the girl because he thinks she's pretty." I mean that covers it from a 10year olds prospective, doesn't it? Why, why,why would you even use the word rape when speaking to your 10year old if the question wasn't about rape? Do you have so little faith in your child or ability to raise one that you would feel the need to say that? WOW
LauraKW
by "Dude!" on Sep. 10, 2013 at 10:15 PM
The only good thing the well-intentioned but batshit crazy mother did was to tell her son it isn't ok to force himself on a man or woman. Society as a whole does need to recognize that rape of men is a serious as well.
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