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I think my time has come. Please those who don't believe don't bash me.

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 I really can't take any negativity right now so if you think I am nuts please just close the post and move on.

 some of you who have known me going back the 7 years I have on Cafe Mom might remember I used to be very religious. I became very angry with God about some things about 5 years ago and although I never lost my beliefs I lost my spirituality and slowly went farther and farther backwards until I stopped practicing all together.

Because I never lost my beliefs this really was scary to me because I know if I die while my life style is what it is I will have to be punished and probably spend some time in Hell fire.

At the same time you can't just go back for the sake of going back. You have to be ready and feel it in your heart. I wanted so bad to feel it in my heart but I just couldn't. I have said a hundred times that I am one of those people who are going to have to experience some life changing tragedies to open my eyes.

Well I really have not said much about what is going on in my personal life but the unimaginable happened to me a few days before I got sick about 3 weeks ago. My whole life fell apart and I have never felt so much grief and loss. I was beside my self with emotional pain and I couldn't see any possibility of getting over it. I was at the end of my rope.

Then I got sick. I have never in my life been this sick. I have been so sick that my other problem went to the back of mind. As much as I am suffering from sickness now it is worth it because the emotional pain and loss was much worse.

Some times things are a blessing in disguise. God promises us not to give us more than we can bare. I couldn't bare much more of that emotional pain. I think God has given me this sickness to bring me out of what I was going through. I believe God knew I had just about all I could bare. That might sound silly and might not make much sense but I really believe that.

I didn't realize any of this or even realize I was not feeling the emotional pain of my loss until today because I have too sick to think about anything. Then I went to get the mail today and some one sent me a book. There was no return address on the package. The book is called 10 Amazing Muslims Touched By God. In the book was a letter signed by someone named Faisal. He said he hopes this book will bring me peace.

I have no idea who this man Faisal is or how he knows me. It all hit me like a ton of bricks and everything that has happened over the last 3 and half weeks suddenly all made sense.

I think it is my time. It is my time to make astaghfirullah (repentance) and surrender myself back to God. I have come to a cross roads and there is nowhere else to turn.

I'm just scared to make the move and then not live up to it. I plan to start reading the book tomorrow.

by on Sep. 24, 2013 at 11:57 PM
Replies (11-20):
muslimah
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:22 AM

 

Quoting gdiamante:

I don't know about Muslim belief, but I can tell you that in Christianity, it's expected we won't live up to it and are always starting over. Every day is a new day with no mistakes in it yet, but because we're fallible humans we WILL make mistakes. It's a given.

Repentence is part of the Episcopal and Catholic masses every single week, confessing our sins to God and asking forgiveness.

Quoting muslimah:

I'm just scared to make the move and then not live up to it. I plan to start reading the book tomorrow.

I hope things improve for you.

 It is the same for Muslims but the way I have been living my life are no little mistakes. I completely went from one extreme to another.

maria1613
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:23 AM
1 mom liked this
Best of wishes to you on your journey :)
DestinyHLewis
by Destiny on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:23 AM

I commend and praise your courage. I know exactly how you feel and please know I am praying for you. You are right, God doesn't give us anything we cannot handle, and He is there to catch us when we falter. I pray you find peace and the return to your core, will heal your pain. It will, if you allow it. I have struggled so many times like this, and I always feel better when I give up and give over to Him. I think part of what makes the pain worse is when we turn our backs in Him. He will carry us as long as we allow it. The second I turn my back on Him, I'm less able to deal with the things I face. Much love to you.

((((((Hugs))))) We are here if you need us. 

God Bless 


Elyssa414
by Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:24 AM
I am not religious, but I'm so sorry that you have experienced such grief and loss. I hope that your beliefs bring you comfort, and you will be in my thoughts. *HUGS*
snookyfritz
by Platinum Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:24 AM
1 mom liked this

Good luck and lots of prayers for your journey.

muslimah
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:25 AM

 

Quoting Goodwoman614:

Wishing you strength to move through the rough waters,

and that you find

peace and stability soon.

 Thank you Goodwomen. That really means allot coming from you being that we have had some very personal conversations in the past and you know me more so than most here.

muslimah
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:28 AM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting Shoota:

You should do what makes you happy. It sounds like you are pretty clear about your path, you just need to find the courage within yourself. And even though you feel beaten down, there is still strength in there somewhere. We are all stronger then we think we are. Its only when we are really put to the test that we start to really understand ourselves. Good luck.

 Yesterday I felt beaten down today I feel like I have been given a second chance and I am thankful for it. Now I just have to make everything right with God and stick to it.

DestinyHLewis
by Destiny on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:30 AM


I personally believe we worship the exact same God. He just wants you to return to him. If you do that? The most heavy of burdens will be lifted. He doesn't care what sins you have committed as long as you are committed to Him. He knows we will fail, but he loves us unconditionally, even if we stray or are angry with Him. He doesn't choose to leave us, but we can choose to deny Him. He can't come in unless invited, but it never changes His love or devotion to us. There is no grey area where He is concerned. You need to learn to forgive yourself, because nothing is too great for Him to forgive. <3

Quoting muslimah:

 

Quoting gdiamante:

I don't know about Muslim belief, but I can tell you that in Christianity, it's expected we won't live up to it and are always starting over. Every day is a new day with no mistakes in it yet, but because we're fallible humans we WILL make mistakes. It's a given.

Repentence is part of the Episcopal and Catholic masses every single week, confessing our sins to God and asking forgiveness.

Quoting muslimah:

I'm just scared to make the move and then not live up to it. I plan to start reading the book tomorrow.

I hope things improve for you.

 It is the same for Muslims but the way I have been living my life are no little mistakes. I completely went from one extreme to another.



muslimah
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:32 AM

 

Quoting DestinyHLewis:

I commend and praise your courage. I know exactly how you feel and please know I am praying for you. You are right, God doesn't give us anything we cannot handle, and He is there to catch us when we falter. I pray you find peace and the return to your core, will heal your pain. It will, if you allow it. I have struggled so many times like this, and I always feel better when I give up and give over to Him. I think part of what makes the pain worse is when we turn our backs in Him. He will carry us as long as we allow it. The second I turn my back on Him, I'm less able to deal with the things I face. Much love to you.

((((((Hugs))))) We are here if you need us. 

God Bless 

 

 Thank you for your prays, support, and kind words. Please pray that I grab on to this opportunity and don't let it slip away.

DestinyHLewis
by Destiny on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:35 AM
1 mom liked this

I have faith you won't. <3 and you are on my prayers list. 


Quoting muslimah:

 

Quoting DestinyHLewis:

I commend and praise your courage. I know exactly how you feel and please know I am praying for you. You are right, God doesn't give us anything we cannot handle, and He is there to catch us when we falter. I pray you find peace and the return to your core, will heal your pain. It will, if you allow it. I have struggled so many times like this, and I always feel better when I give up and give over to Him. I think part of what makes the pain worse is when we turn our backs in Him. He will carry us as long as we allow it. The second I turn my back on Him, I'm less able to deal with the things I face. Much love to you.

((((((Hugs))))) We are here if you need us. 

God Bless 


 Thank you for your prays, support, and kind words. Please pray that I grab on to this opportunity and don't let it slip away.



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