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I think my time has come. Please those who don't believe don't bash me.

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 I really can't take any negativity right now so if you think I am nuts please just close the post and move on.

 some of you who have known me going back the 7 years I have on Cafe Mom might remember I used to be very religious. I became very angry with God about some things about 5 years ago and although I never lost my beliefs I lost my spirituality and slowly went farther and farther backwards until I stopped practicing all together.

Because I never lost my beliefs this really was scary to me because I know if I die while my life style is what it is I will have to be punished and probably spend some time in Hell fire.

At the same time you can't just go back for the sake of going back. You have to be ready and feel it in your heart. I wanted so bad to feel it in my heart but I just couldn't. I have said a hundred times that I am one of those people who are going to have to experience some life changing tragedies to open my eyes.

Well I really have not said much about what is going on in my personal life but the unimaginable happened to me a few days before I got sick about 3 weeks ago. My whole life fell apart and I have never felt so much grief and loss. I was beside my self with emotional pain and I couldn't see any possibility of getting over it. I was at the end of my rope.

Then I got sick. I have never in my life been this sick. I have been so sick that my other problem went to the back of mind. As much as I am suffering from sickness now it is worth it because the emotional pain and loss was much worse.

Some times things are a blessing in disguise. God promises us not to give us more than we can bare. I couldn't bare much more of that emotional pain. I think God has given me this sickness to bring me out of what I was going through. I believe God knew I had just about all I could bare. That might sound silly and might not make much sense but I really believe that.

I didn't realize any of this or even realize I was not feeling the emotional pain of my loss until today because I have too sick to think about anything. Then I went to get the mail today and some one sent me a book. There was no return address on the package. The book is called 10 Amazing Muslims Touched By God. In the book was a letter signed by someone named Faisal. He said he hopes this book will bring me peace.

I have no idea who this man Faisal is or how he knows me. It all hit me like a ton of bricks and everything that has happened over the last 3 and half weeks suddenly all made sense.

I think it is my time. It is my time to make astaghfirullah (repentance) and surrender myself back to God. I have come to a cross roads and there is nowhere else to turn.

I'm just scared to make the move and then not live up to it. I plan to start reading the book tomorrow.

by on Sep. 24, 2013 at 11:57 PM
Replies (21-30):
muslimah
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:36 AM

 

Quoting Elyssa414:

I am not religious, but I'm so sorry that you have experienced such grief and loss. I hope that your beliefs bring you comfort, and you will be in my thoughts. *HUGS*

 Don't be sorry. All this had to happen. I have been destroying my life. I have been drinking and partying several nights a week, got arrested twice in a month for drunk driving which cost me $18,000.00 all together, my health has declined and I was on a road to destruction and I couldn't be stopped. I needed all this to happen. It probably has saved my life and I am hoping it will save me from Hell fire.

muslimah
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:38 AM

 

Quoting DestinyHLewis:

 

I personally believe we worship the exact same God. He just wants you to return to him. If you do that? The most heavy of burdens will be lifted. He doesn't care what sins you have committed as long as you are committed to Him. He knows we will fail, but he loves us unconditionally, even if we stray or are angry with Him. He doesn't choose to leave us, but we can choose to deny Him. He can't come in unless invited, but it never changes His love or devotion to us. There is no grey area where He is concerned. You need to learn to forgive yourself, because nothing is too great for Him to forgive. <3

Quoting muslimah:

 

Quoting gdiamante:

I don't know about Muslim belief, but I can tell you that in Christianity, it's expected we won't live up to it and are always starting over. Every day is a new day with no mistakes in it yet, but because we're fallible humans we WILL make mistakes. It's a given.

Repentence is part of the Episcopal and Catholic masses every single week, confessing our sins to God and asking forgiveness.

Quoting muslimah:

I'm just scared to make the move and then not live up to it. I plan to start reading the book tomorrow.

I hope things improve for you.

 It is the same for Muslims but the way I have been living my life are no little mistakes. I completely went from one extreme to another.

 

 

 You are right. Everything you have said is the truth.

Mommabearbergh
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:43 AM
I think making the move will be good for you and some times certain things are the kick in the pants we need. Inshallah I hope you live up to it
muslimah
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:45 AM

 

Quoting Mommabearbergh:

I think making the move will be good for you and some times certain things are the kick in the pants we need. Inshallah I hope you live up to it

 Shukran please make dua for me.

Mommabearbergh
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:46 AM
1 mom liked this
I got you. :)

Quoting muslimah:

 


Quoting Mommabearbergh:

I think making the move will be good for you and some times certain things are the kick in the pants we need. Inshallah I hope you live up to it

 Shukran please make dua for me.

DestinyHLewis
by Destiny on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:47 AM
1 mom liked this


Forgive yourself. I'm begging you and let Him in. We all struggle at different times with decisions that aren't smart and cause chaos. Most are not honest about it here. You are a very brave soul. Own it, forgive yourself, and move on. I have my own skeletons, trust me, and denied God because I thought I wasn't worthy. I was wrong and spent far too many years hating myself. It's not easy, but trust me. Turning back to God, and allowing Him to work through you is the best descision you will ever make. He will give you what you need to forgive yourself and let it go. 

Crying now. I can feel your pain. 

Quoting muslimah:

 

Quoting Elyssa414:

I am not religious, but I'm so sorry that you have experienced such grief and loss. I hope that your beliefs bring you comfort, and you will be in my thoughts. *HUGS*

 Don't be sorry. All this had to happen. I have been destroying my life. I have been drinking and partying several nights a week, got arrested twice in a month for drunk driving which cost me $18,000.00 all together, my health has declined and I was on a road to destruction and I couldn't be stopped. I needed all this to happen. It probably has saved my life and I am hoping it will save me from Hell fire.



gdiamante
by Silver Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:53 AM
3 moms liked this


Quoting muslimah:

Quoting gdiamante:

I don't know about Muslim belief, but I can tell you that in Christianity, it's expected we won't live up to it and are always starting over. Every day is a new day with no mistakes in it yet, but because we're fallible humans we WILL make mistakes. It's a given.

Repentence is part of the Episcopal and Catholic masses every single week, confessing our sins to God and asking forgiveness.

Quoting muslimah:

I'm just scared to make the move and then not live up to it. I plan to start reading the book tomorrow.

I hope things improve for you.

 It is the same for Muslims but the way I have been living my life are no little mistakes. I completely went from one extreme to another.

God's not looking at the size of the mistake but the sincerity of the repentance. And knows we'll probably be asking forgiveness again. And again. And again!

Infinite patience and infinite love.

muslimah
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 1:00 AM
3 moms liked this

 

Quoting DestinyHLewis:

 

Forgive yourself. I'm begging you and let Him in. We all struggle at different times with decisions that aren't smart and cause chaos. Most are not honest about it here. You are a very brave soul. Own it, forgive yourself, and move on. I have my own skeletons, trust me, and denied God because I thought I wasn't worthy. I was wrong and spent far too many years hating myself. It's not easy, but trust me. Turning back to God, and allowing Him to work through you is the best descision you will ever make. He will give you what you need to forgive yourself and let it go. 

Crying now. I can feel your pain. 

Quoting muslimah:

 

Quoting Elyssa414:

I am not religious, but I'm so sorry that you have experienced such grief and loss. I hope that your beliefs bring you comfort, and you will be in my thoughts. *HUGS*

 Don't be sorry. All this had to happen. I have been destroying my life. I have been drinking and partying several nights a week, got arrested twice in a month for drunk driving which cost me $18,000.00 all together, my health has declined and I was on a road to destruction and I couldn't be stopped. I needed all this to happen. It probably has saved my life and I am hoping it will save me from Hell fire.

 

 

 I do feel like I can forgive myself. If I don't I can't heal and move on and I need to start the healing process and put all this behind me. I know I have the strength to do this and I have found over the last 3 weeks that I have the best friends ever. Especially carpy and SEEKEROFSHELLS. Both know all the details and have listened to all my heart break. SEEKEROFSHELLS has been on the phone with me almost every night till late hours giving me encouragments and cary has been on me almost daily.

DestinyHLewis
by Destiny on Sep. 25, 2013 at 1:16 AM
1 mom liked this


They are good people. Keep it up!! <3

Quoting muslimah:

 

Quoting DestinyHLewis:


Forgive yourself. I'm begging you and let Him in. We all struggle at different times with decisions that aren't smart and cause chaos. Most are not honest about it here. You are a very brave soul. Own it, forgive yourself, and move on. I have my own skeletons, trust me, and denied God because I thought I wasn't worthy. I was wrong and spent far too many years hating myself. It's not easy, but trust me. Turning back to God, and allowing Him to work through you is the best descision you will ever make. He will give you what you need to forgive yourself and let it go. 

Crying now. I can feel your pain. 

Quoting muslimah:

 

Quoting Elyssa414:

I am not religious, but I'm so sorry that you have experienced such grief and loss. I hope that your beliefs bring you comfort, and you will be in my thoughts. *HUGS*

 Don't be sorry. All this had to happen. I have been destroying my life. I have been drinking and partying several nights a week, got arrested twice in a month for drunk driving which cost me $18,000.00 all together, my health has declined and I was on a road to destruction and I couldn't be stopped. I needed all this to happen. It probably has saved my life and I am hoping it will save me from Hell fire.



 I do feel like I can forgive myself. If I don't I can't heal and move on and I need to start the healing process and put all this behind me. I know I have the strength to do this and I have found over the last 3 weeks that I have the best friends ever. Especially carpy and SEEKEROFSHELLS. Both know all the details and have listened to all my heart break. SEEKEROFSHELLS has been on the phone with me almost every night till late hours giving me encouragments and cary has been on me almost daily.



momofpreemieboy
by Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 1:22 AM
1 mom liked this

 Good luck Hun!!! Our religions may be different but when You take the time you realize it isn't a big difference. I hope you enjoy the book! Hugs!

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