I think my time has come. Please those who don't believe don't bash me.
I really can't take any negativity right now so if you think I am nuts please just close the post and move on.
some of you who have known me going back the 7 years I have on Cafe Mom might remember I used to be very religious. I became very angry with God about some things about 5 years ago and although I never lost my beliefs I lost my spirituality and slowly went farther and farther backwards until I stopped practicing all together.
Because I never lost my beliefs this really was scary to me because I know if I die while my life style is what it is I will have to be punished and probably spend some time in Hell fire.
At the same time you can't just go back for the sake of going back. You have to be ready and feel it in your heart. I wanted so bad to feel it in my heart but I just couldn't. I have said a hundred times that I am one of those people who are going to have to experience some life changing tragedies to open my eyes.
Well I really have not said much about what is going on in my personal life but the unimaginable happened to me a few days before I got sick about 3 weeks ago. My whole life fell apart and I have never felt so much grief and loss. I was beside my self with emotional pain and I couldn't see any possibility of getting over it. I was at the end of my rope.
Then I got sick. I have never in my life been this sick. I have been so sick that my other problem went to the back of mind. As much as I am suffering from sickness now it is worth it because the emotional pain and loss was much worse.
Some times things are a blessing in disguise. God promises us not to give us more than we can bare. I couldn't bare much more of that emotional pain. I think God has given me this sickness to bring me out of what I was going through. I believe God knew I had just about all I could bare. That might sound silly and might not make much sense but I really believe that.
I didn't realize any of this or even realize I was not feeling the emotional pain of my loss until today because I have too sick to think about anything. Then I went to get the mail today and some one sent me a book. There was no return address on the package. The book is called 10 Amazing Muslims Touched By God. In the book was a letter signed by someone named Faisal. He said he hopes this book will bring me peace.
I have no idea who this man Faisal is or how he knows me. It all hit me like a ton of bricks and everything that has happened over the last 3 and half weeks suddenly all made sense.
I think it is my time. It is my time to make astaghfirullah (repentance) and surrender myself back to God. I have come to a cross roads and there is nowhere else to turn.
I'm just scared to make the move and then not live up to it. I plan to start reading the book tomorrow.