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I think my time has come. Please those who don't believe don't bash me.

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 I really can't take any negativity right now so if you think I am nuts please just close the post and move on.

 some of you who have known me going back the 7 years I have on Cafe Mom might remember I used to be very religious. I became very angry with God about some things about 5 years ago and although I never lost my beliefs I lost my spirituality and slowly went farther and farther backwards until I stopped practicing all together.

Because I never lost my beliefs this really was scary to me because I know if I die while my life style is what it is I will have to be punished and probably spend some time in Hell fire.

At the same time you can't just go back for the sake of going back. You have to be ready and feel it in your heart. I wanted so bad to feel it in my heart but I just couldn't. I have said a hundred times that I am one of those people who are going to have to experience some life changing tragedies to open my eyes.

Well I really have not said much about what is going on in my personal life but the unimaginable happened to me a few days before I got sick about 3 weeks ago. My whole life fell apart and I have never felt so much grief and loss. I was beside my self with emotional pain and I couldn't see any possibility of getting over it. I was at the end of my rope.

Then I got sick. I have never in my life been this sick. I have been so sick that my other problem went to the back of mind. As much as I am suffering from sickness now it is worth it because the emotional pain and loss was much worse.

Some times things are a blessing in disguise. God promises us not to give us more than we can bare. I couldn't bare much more of that emotional pain. I think God has given me this sickness to bring me out of what I was going through. I believe God knew I had just about all I could bare. That might sound silly and might not make much sense but I really believe that.

I didn't realize any of this or even realize I was not feeling the emotional pain of my loss until today because I have too sick to think about anything. Then I went to get the mail today and some one sent me a book. There was no return address on the package. The book is called 10 Amazing Muslims Touched By God. In the book was a letter signed by someone named Faisal. He said he hopes this book will bring me peace.

I have no idea who this man Faisal is or how he knows me. It all hit me like a ton of bricks and everything that has happened over the last 3 and half weeks suddenly all made sense.

I think it is my time. It is my time to make astaghfirullah (repentance) and surrender myself back to God. I have come to a cross roads and there is nowhere else to turn.

I'm just scared to make the move and then not live up to it. I plan to start reading the book tomorrow.

by on Sep. 24, 2013 at 11:57 PM
Replies (41-50):
sweet-a-kins
by Emerald Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 6:17 AM
1 mom liked this
I'm glad you are finding peace or at least a way to peace
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Debmomto2girls
by Platinum Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 6:19 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting sweet-a-kins:

I'm glad you are finding peace or at least a way to peace


“No human race is superior; no religious faith is inferior. All collective judgments are wrong. Only racists make them” 
― Elie Wiesel

SuperChicken
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 6:50 AM

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles and pain.  

I'm not a Muslim, but I believe that there is no way not to live up to a surrendering to God.    That's the whole point, is it not?   That God will always be there with open arms, no matter your mistakes.     I hope for you that you find peace in your return to practicing your religion, and I know that you need not fear stumbling on your journey.   Peace, love and kindness :)

muslimah
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 6:54 AM

 

Quoting ..MoonShine..:

Muslimah, we have different paths, but please know that I do understand how you feel. We look to what fulfills our spirit and makes us feel whole. I genuinely hope you find that.

 Thank you.

romalove
by Roma on Sep. 25, 2013 at 7:00 AM
2 moms liked this

I'm so sorry for all your pain, both physical and emotional.

Please know I'm thinking of you and hoping you'll be well and feeling peaceful very soon.

Sending hugs!

meriana
by Platinum Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 7:28 AM

I'm so sorry you've been suffering. It sounds like you've found and chosen the path you know is right for you so now you must take that first step. Don't be afraid, even though that first step may seem difficult, once taken the rest will follow. Remember God knows we are not perfect and he does not expect perfection from us, just that we sincerely try and do our best.

muslimah
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 7:29 AM

 

Quoting 1Giovanni:

Right know I am pretty much going through the same thing. I hope some day soon I will find my way again hopefully sooner then later. I really don't know how much time I may have.

Thank you for sharing because your words has helped me a lot. I was going to bed but something (probably god) told me to come on Cafemom. This was the reason. :)

 Well if what I am able to share helps you get closer to where you want to be and need to be then that is one more reason why all this pain and suffering has been worth it. I know what it feels like to know what you should be doing but you can't do it because you don't feel it. None of us know how much time we have and I know what it feels like to know that and know if I pass with things not right the wrath I will have to face and even though knowing that not being able to do what should be done because the feeling is not there.

 I do remember just a few weeks ago I replied in a post about prayer. I had told about how I had lost my spirituality and didn't know to get it back. I also said I will be one of those people who need a tragedy to bring me to surrender. I remember you quoted me and said you were experiencing the same thing. I know you can't do it until you are really ready and you feel it in your heart. I hope that time comes soon for you and I hope it comes with out hardship but if your anything like me it may take a hardship to get you there. I just hope you find your way and can be at peace without having to suffer too much loss. Good luck you and keep your heart and mind open so you will know the chance when it comes. If something that seems like a tragedy happens look for the signs. That tragedy may actually be a blessing in disguise. 

pvtjokerus
by Platinum Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 7:30 AM
2 moms liked this

Muslimah....go with your heart. You have free will.  Don't be tied down to the powers and the judgments of others.  You will find your way because you are a strong soul and have proven that over and over.  You will get to wherever you need to be....just follow your own path.  Big hugs!

muslimah
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 7:49 AM
2 moms liked this

 

Quoting Carpy:

Lately, you have made me think of this. 

 

Footprints Prayer

Quoting muslimah:

 

Quoting jessilin0113:

Good luck to you.  I hope you find what you need. I'm sorry for your recent troubles, and hope you find some peace and comfort. 

 Thank you but I think I had to experience these troubles. I knew things would come to this point one day I just didn't know when. I think these troubles are actually going to turn out to be blessings.


 Oh carpy you have been a real friend and so supportive through out this whole thing. You have listened to me go on and on and on about all my problems. You are so smart. You saw it all coming months ago and tried to tell me back then but I couldn't see it. When it finally happened you were there to offer your wisdom and support.

This whole ordeal has taught me that me that my friends are better friends then I knew. So many of you of you have gotten me through this last 3 weeks. I didn't know how much my friends really cared about me. I've always heard that it is supposed to be the other way around and when shit hits the fan you find out that  your friends are not your friends after all. Lucky for me my friends are real and really do care. I am so thankful for all of you. If I didn't have the support from you and the rest of my friends I don't think I would have made it through all this.

muslimah
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 7:54 AM
2 moms liked this

 

Quoting SuperChicken:

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles and pain.  

I'm not a Muslim, but I believe that there is no way not to live up to a surrendering to God.    That's the whole point, is it not?   That God will always be there with open arms, no matter your mistakes.     I hope for you that you find peace in your return to practicing your religion, and I know that you need not fear stumbling on your journey.   Peace, love and kindness :)

 Thank you. Muslim or not we are all the same looking for the same thing out of life no matter what our religion or lack of religion is. We all just want to have peace we just have our different ways of finding it.

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