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YOU'RE JUST a stay at home mom! WHAT do you do all day?

Posted by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 8:17 AM
  • 264 Replies
12 moms liked this

Love this guy. ;)

“You’re a stay-at-home mom? What do you DO all day?”

It’s happened twice in a week, and they were both women. Anyone ought to have more class than this, but women — especially women — should damn well know better.

Last week, I was at the pharmacy and a friendly lady approached me.

“Matt! How are those little ones doing?”

“Great! They’re doing very well, thanks for asking.”

“Good to hear. How ’bout your wife? Is she back at work yet?”

“Well she’s working hard at home, taking care of the kids. But she’s not going back into the workforce, if that’s what you mean.”

“Oh fun! That must be nice!”

“Fun? It’s a lot of hard work. Rewarding, yes. Fun? Not always.”

This one wasn’t in-your-face. It was only quietly presumptuous and subversively condescending.

The next incident occurred today at the coffee shop. It started in similar fashion; a friendly exchange about how things are coming along with the babies. The conversation quickly derailed when the woman hit me with this:

“So is your wife staying at home permanently?”

“Permanently? Well, for the foreseeable future she will be raising the kids full time, yes.”

“Yeah, mine is 14 now. But I’ve had a career the whole time as well. I can’t imagine being a stay at home mom. I would get so antsy. [Giggles] What does she DO all day?”

“Oh, just absolutely everything. What do you do all day?”

“…Me? Ha! I WORK!”

“My wife never stops working. Meanwhile, it’s the middle of the afternoon and we’re both at a coffee shop. I’m sure my wife would love to have time to sit down and drink a coffee. It’s nice to get a break, isn’t it?”

The conversation ended less amicably than it began.

Look, I don’t cast aspersions on women who work outside of the home. I understand that many of them are forced into it because they are single mothers, or because one income simply isn’t enough to meet the financial needs of their family. Or they just choose to work because that’s what they want to do. Fine. I also understand that most “professional” women aren’t rude, pompous and smug, like the two I met recently.

But I don’t want to sing Kumbaya right now. I want to kick our backwards, materialistic society in the shins and say, “GET YOUR FREAKING HEAD ON STRAIGHT, SOCIETY.”

This conversation shouldn’t be necessary. I shouldn’t need to explain why it’s insane for anyone — particularly other women — to have such contempt and hostility for “stay at home” mothers. Are we really so shallow? Are we really so confused? Are we really the first culture in the history of mankind to fail to grasp the glory and seriousness of motherhood? The pagans deified Maternity and turned it into a goddess. We’ve gone the other direction; we treat it like a disease or an obstacle.

The people who completely immerse themselves in the tiring, thankless, profoundly important job of raising children ought to be put on a pedestal. We ought to revere them and admire them like we admire rocket scientists and war heroes. These women are doing something beautiful and complicated and challenging and terrifying and painful and joyous and essential. Whatever they are doing, they ARE doing something, and our civilization DEPENDS on them doing it well. Who else can say such a thing? What other job carries with it such consequences?

It’s true — being a mom isn’t a “job.” A job is something you do for part of the day and then stop doing. You get a paycheck. You have unions and benefits and break rooms. I’ve had many jobs; it’s nothing spectacular or mystical. I don’t quite understand why we’ve elevated “the workforce” to this hallowed status. Where do we get our idea of it? The Communist Manifesto? Having a job is necessary for some — it is for me — but it isn’t liberating or empowering. Whatever your job is — you are expendable. You are a number. You are a calculation. You are a servant. You can be replaced, and you will be replaced eventually. Am I being harsh? No, I’m being someone who has a job. I’m being real.

If your mother quit her role as mother, entire lives would be turned upside down; society would suffer greatly. The ripples of that tragedy would be felt for generations. If she quit her job as a computer analyst, she’d be replaced in four days and nobody would care. Same goes for you and me. We have freedom and power in the home, not the office. But we are zombies, so we can not see that.

Yes, my wife is JUST a mother. JUST. She JUST brings forth life into the universe, and she JUST shapes and molds and raises those lives. She JUST manages, directs and maintains the workings of the household, while caring for children who JUST rely on her for everything. She JUST teaches our twins how to be human beings, and, as they grow, she will JUST train them in all things, from morals, to manners, to the ABC’s, to hygiene, etc. She is JUST my spiritual foundation and the rock on which our family is built. She is JUST everything to everyone. And society would JUST fall apart at the seams if she, and her fellow moms, failed in any of the tasks I outlined.

Yes, she is just a mother. Which is sort of like looking at the sky and saying, “hey, it’s justthe sun.”

Of course not all women can be at home full time. It’s one thing to acknowledge that; it’s quite another to paint it as the ideal. To call it the ideal, is to claim that children IDEALLY would spend LESS time around their mothers. This is madness. Pure madness. It isn’t ideal, and it isn’t neutral. The more time a mother can spend raising her kids, the better. The better for them, the better for their souls, the better for the community, the better for humanity. Period.

Finally, it’s probably true that stay at home moms have some down time. People who work outside the home have down time, too. In fact, there are many, many jobs that consist primarily of down time, with little spurts of menial activity strewn throughout. In any case, I’m not looking to get into a fight about who is “busier.” We seem to value our time so little, that we find our worth based on how little of it we have. In other words, we’ve idolized “being busy,” and confused it with being “important.” You can be busy but unimportant, just as you can be important but not busy. I don’t know who is busiest, and I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. I think it’s safe to say that none of us are as busy as we think we are; and however busy we actually are, it’s more than we need to be.

We get a lot of things wrong in our culture. But, when all is said and done, and our civilization crumbles into ashes, we are going to most regret the way we treated mothers and children.

by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 8:17 AM
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Replies (1-10):
DestinyHLewis
by Destiny on Oct. 10, 2013 at 8:20 AM

BUMP!

D-Town
by Silver Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 8:36 AM
20 moms liked this
I think this man is just as guilty of "backwards thinking" as those he accuses. As a working mother I also am responsible for making my children into human beings. I am still responsible for making sure they are fed, clothed, homework done and hygiene taken care of. Just because I have a job outside of the home doesn't mean that I am not responsible for it anymore.


It seems that every time this topic comes up it has to be one or the other and completely ignores the significant number of women who do both.
survivorinohio
by René on Oct. 10, 2013 at 8:38 AM
1 mom liked this

ya 18 hour days are "fun".  LOL  I did both but mostly worked when my kids were young.  Now I have been SAH grandma for 9 yrs and boy is it work lol.  The more interesting life you offer the children in your care the harder the work I think.

idunno1234
by Silver Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 8:45 AM
2 moms liked this

Too bad not everyone feels the way he does, including many of the sahms who denigrate their own roles and say that their husbands work hard but they don't.  When kids are preschool and younger, being a sahm is a 24/7 constant.  There is no other job that compares.

Once the kids reach school age, then I personally think, for the mom's sake as much as anything, that its time to get back into the job market.

I was privileged to stay home.  My plan had always been to go back to work when my youngest was in school full time.  Problem is that my kids are spread out over almost 10 years so by the time my youngest went to school full time, I was out of the job market for way to long and my marriage was crumbling....not an easy time to be thrust into this awful job market.

Now, I'm in a really, really bad situation with no end in sight regarding being able to support myself and my kids.  I have had to tell my daughters (really didn't need to because they have seen what has happened) that they should never, EVER be financially dependent on anyone and if that means that they are unable to stay home with their children, so be it.

I have to say....the US is awful when it comes to maternity leave, day care costs, just motherhood in general.  

SuzCahn
by Bronze Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 8:48 AM
7 moms liked this

 I read Matts blog yesterday. Having done both, stay at home- work outside the home, I totally agree with him. It's a good read!

Countess79
by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 8:48 AM
3 moms liked this
I don't think he is ignoring either side.. and I see he said he doesn't argue or belittle workin moms.. He said he understands that either they have to or they choose to be working.. And he said nothing wrong with that. But at the same time Working moms don't allow SAHM's that same privledge. They want to act like we are just sitting on our asses. Meanwhile many of us homeschool our children.. Or have multiple children where if we put all 5+ kids into a daycare it would be a burden not an asset.. And SAHM's are there to be available to their children.. That is something that a Working mom.. Can't be all the time.. Her kid will live and adjust and probably be more independent.. But that kid might have been helped by the extra attention..kwim? There needs to be a place where moms put down the pitchforks and realize that it's ok to be different from one another!

romalove
by Roma on Oct. 10, 2013 at 8:50 AM
10 moms liked this

It is no one else's business what I do all day.

Could I answer?  Yes

Would I answer?  No

Answering validates the question and that the questioner has the right to ask.

SilverSterling
by MrsSilverusSnape on Oct. 10, 2013 at 8:51 AM
7 moms liked this

Wait a SAHM isnt supposed to do anything all Day??? Damn it I am doing something wrong then!!!

NWP
by guerrilla girl on Oct. 10, 2013 at 8:53 AM
1 mom liked this
I'm a work at home mom. Dunno where that puts me in this issue. Folks assume all the time I'm a stay at home mom. I don't care.
Countess79
by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 8:55 AM
3 moms liked this

Don't tell your daughters that..!

Goodness! Don't spread around your bitterness at your own situation.

Maybe their choices of a spouse will be better than the one you made.. I don't know your situation.. But as A child I watched my mom's men parade an chose not to do that.. So I made a better choice than she did.. However I am now single too.. Why cause I didn't spend time taking care of and showing my husband I valued him as my partner.. 

Just saying.. Think about what your doing.

Quoting idunno1234:

Too bad not everyone feels the way he does, including many of the sahms who denigrate their own roles and say that their husbands work hard but they don't.  When kids are preschool and younger, being a sahm is a 24/7 constant.  There is no other job that compares.

Once the kids reach school age, then I personally think, for the mom's sake as much as anything, that its time to get back into the job market.

I was privileged to stay home.  My plan had always been to go back to work when my youngest was in school full time.  Problem is that my kids are spread out over almost 10 years so by the time my youngest went to school full time, I was out of the job market for way to long and my marriage was crumbling....not an easy time to be thrust into this awful job market.

Now, I'm in a really, really bad situation with no end in sight regarding being able to support myself and my kids.  I have had to tell my daughters (really didn't need to because they have seen what has happened) that they should never, EVER be financially dependent on anyone and if that means that they are unable to stay home with their children, so be it.

I have to say....the US is awful when it comes to maternity leave, day care costs, just motherhood in general.  


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