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s/o The "other" side of Adoption: When the baby grows up

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The Darker Side of the Adoption Story

This month’s theme has to do with the effects of adoption on the adoptee and the adoption issues that most people in the adoption community don’t want to talk about. Sadly, adoptee Adopted child syndrome; do adoptees have more problems? Common Psychological and Emotional Effects of Adoptionissues are real, and the tragedy comes when adoptive parents do not understand what they are really facing as they make the all-important decision to adopt a child.

Like everyone else, I enjoy the hardcover adoption magazines full of adorable images, arts and crafts, and “my baby is the cutest” photo contests. But every time I look at one of those magazines, I have to think to myself,

“Please tell the other side of the adoption story.”

Adoption can be full of happiness and joy, but it can also be full of loss, grief, and in some cases indescribable anger and dangerous behavior.

 

Common Psychological and Emotional Effects of Adoption

Some common issues observed in adoptees are:

  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Self-esteem issues
  • Reactive attachment disorder (RAD)
  • Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
  • Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
  • Identity development
  • General feelings of grief, loss, and rejection

 

Statistics on Adopted Children and Adults Show Adoption Always Affects the Adoptee

Many research studies have shown that adoptees and birth mothers suffer more from depression, and that there is a higher rate of suicide among these populations. Because adoption issues often show up during the teen years, unresolved issues can manifest themselves in dramatic and destructive ways that adoptive parents may not be prepared for.

There are a handful of disciplinary correctional schools, residential treatment centers, and adoption ‘camps’ that are designed to deal with adopted teenagers whos parents have decided that they don’t know how to handle the behavioral problems of their adopted child. These adoptee camps take in adopted children with all kinds of issues: substance Adopted child syndrome; do adoptees have more problems? Common Psychological and Emotional Effects of Adoption and drug abuse, sexual misconduct, violence and anger towards parents, siblings, pets, or even themselves, the list can go on. There is even a camp referred to as “The Last Chance Ranch,” that specializes in teens from Russia. Sadly, some of these teens are actually re-relinquished to the camp by their adoptive parents.

Despite the fact that adoptees make up less than 2% of the US population, they represent 25-35% of teens in these correctional camps and institutions-

I find that statistic so incredibly sad and alarming.

 

Resources to Help Adoptive Parents Understand the Psychological and Emotional Effects of Adoption on their Children

There are many resources available today, that did not exist years ago. There have been many wonderful books written about the impact of adoption, three of my favorites are,

  1. The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
  2. Lost and Found by Betty Jean Lifton
  3. Raising Your Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen.

There are also adoption therapists who specialize in helping adoptees heal and overcome their psychological and emotional issues.  Here is a very important point to remember: there are many therapists who attempt to help adoptees, but unfortunately have no real understanding of adoptee issues. I was fortunate to find a child therapist who was herself adopted, and she was enormously helpful throughout all of my years of raising my three adopted children. The therapist does not need to be a member of the adoption triad, but they need to have some special training about these crucial child development issues.

This month’s edition of the magazine will talk about all of these adoption issues and more, including adoptee suicide. It will also feature a very special 24 minute video of a young man who suffered from severe attachment issues, and talks about it in a truly real and compelling way, I promise you will be mesmerized by his story, and the hope he gives all of us.

 

So… Do Adoptees Have More Problems?

Every adoptee has a completely unique and separate experience but I think one of our anonymous Message in a Bottle submissions best summed up a great answer for general adoption questions…

“Adoption isn’t all unicorns and rainbows.”

Thank you to whomever submitted this message! To submit a Message in a Bottle of your own, use this form.

Adoption is not always unicorns and rainbows.

 


by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 11:36 AM
Replies (201-202):
Bonita131
by Bronze Member on Oct. 30, 2013 at 6:26 PM

 


Quoting mcginnisc:

 

 

Quoting Bonita131:

 

 

Quoting paganbaby:


Quoting Bonita131:

 

 

Quoting paganbaby:


Quoting Bonita131:

 

 

Quoting paganbaby:

I don't know about all adoptees, but my 14 year old dd is very happy and well adjusted. I've had people tell me she's going to have a hard road ahead of her because not only is she adopted but she's also bi-racial being raised in a white family.  

*Shrugs* So far, so good. I've been rasing her since she was a month old. Her Bio mom has in been in her life off and on from the begining and she writes her her bio dad occasionally on FB.

I think our situation is unique because she grew up knowing her bio mom. There wasn't this big fantasy about her. In fact DD doesn't really like spending more than a few hours with her,lol. As for her bio dad, she's never really shown an interest in him.

Why would you laugh when saying " in fact DD doesn't really like spending more than a few hours with her bio mom?
That's a pretty disgusting attitude to have. Whatever the situation/reason,  your adopted DDs bio mom is still her bio mom.

 

I laugh because people always tell me she's going to feel rejected by bio mom and want to live with her. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I also laugh because I've earned the right too seeing how she is my sister and drove me nuts growing up :-)

So you're saying your dd is actually your bio sister? If so, why would you adopt your own sister when being appointed her legal guardian via the courts would have sufficed? That is beyond creepy if it is true.

 

Bio mom is my sister, not dd. And even if I did adopt my sister, how would that be creepy?

Now you're saying your sister is your adopted dds bio mother but you for some reason, instead of applying to be your adopted dds (who is actually your niece)  legal guardian, you went as far as to adopt your neice who you now refer to as your dd. 

I have no idea why your sisters life is so messed up that she rarely sees her daughter, but for you to rub sand in your sisters face by adopting her daughter & calling her your own, is as said in my previous reply, beyond creepy on your part. I can only assume since you say your sister drove you nuts growing up, that was your way of getting back at her.  

 

“But the hearts of small children are delicate organs. A cruel beginning in this world can twist them into curious shapes. The heart of a hurt child can shrink so that forever afterward it is hard and pitted as the seed of a peach. Or again, the heart of such a child may fester and swell until it is a misery to carry within the body, easily chafed and hurt by the most ordinary things.” 

 

Why is it creepy? There are many instances in which an Aunt/Uncle will adopt a niece/nephew and call them their child. Typically, this happens when the natural parent has lost rights to the child and the child is adopted by family.They are not erasing anything, nor are they rubbing sand in the siblings face. They are ensuring that child is loved, knows their original story, and yet giving them the stability or a family. It is a fairly common thing in family adoptions by the way. 

 

 

There are many instances in which an Aunt/Uncle will adopt a niece/nephew IF the niece/nephews bio parent/parents have died.  When the bio parent/parents are still living the aunt/uncle have no right to adopt their children and call them their own children.  I don't care if the bio parent/parents are hard core drug addicts, prisoners, or whatever else, as long as they are still living, they are the child/childrens bio/natural parent/parents and no aunt or uncle should have the right to erase that fact as if it never existed.

 

Ms.KitKat
by Platinum Member on Oct. 30, 2013 at 9:46 PM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting Bonita131:

 

 

Quoting mcginnisc:

 

 

Quoting Bonita131:

 

 

Quoting paganbaby:


Quoting Bonita131:

 

 

Quoting paganbaby:


Quoting Bonita131:

 

 

Quoting paganbaby:

I don't know about all adoptees, but my 14 year old dd is very happy and well adjusted. I've had people tell me she's going to have a hard road ahead of her because not only is she adopted but she's also bi-racial being raised in a white family.  

*Shrugs* So far, so good. I've been rasing her since she was a month old. Her Bio mom has in been in her life off and on from the begining and she writes her her bio dad occasionally on FB.

I think our situation is unique because she grew up knowing her bio mom. There wasn't this big fantasy about her. In fact DD doesn't really like spending more than a few hours with her,lol. As for her bio dad, she's never really shown an interest in him.

Why would you laugh when saying " in fact DD doesn't really like spending more than a few hours with her bio mom?
That's a pretty disgusting attitude to have. Whatever the situation/reason,  your adopted DDs bio mom is still her bio mom.

 

I laugh because people always tell me she's going to feel rejected by bio mom and want to live with her. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I also laugh because I've earned the right too seeing how she is my sister and drove me nuts growing up :-)

So you're saying your dd is actually your bio sister? If so, why would you adopt your own sister when being appointed her legal guardian via the courts would have sufficed? That is beyond creepy if it is true.

 

Bio mom is my sister, not dd. And even if I did adopt my sister, how would that be creepy?

Now you're saying your sister is your adopted dds bio mother but you for some reason, instead of applying to be your adopted dds (who is actually your niece)  legal guardian, you went as far as to adopt your neice who you now refer to as your dd. 

I have no idea why your sisters life is so messed up that she rarely sees her daughter, but for you to rub sand in your sisters face by adopting her daughter & calling her your own, is as said in my previous reply, beyond creepy on your part. I can only assume since you say your sister drove you nuts growing up, that was your way of getting back at her.  

 

“But the hearts of small children are delicate organs. A cruel beginning in this world can twist them into curious shapes. The heart of a hurt child can shrink so that forever afterward it is hard and pitted as the seed of a peach. Or again, the heart of such a child may fester and swell until it is a misery to carry within the body, easily chafed and hurt by the most ordinary things.” 

 

Why is it creepy? There are many instances in which an Aunt/Uncle will adopt a niece/nephew and call them their child. Typically, this happens when the natural parent has lost rights to the child and the child is adopted by family.They are not erasing anything, nor are they rubbing sand in the siblings face. They are ensuring that child is loved, knows their original story, and yet giving them the stability or a family. It is a fairly common thing in family adoptions by the way. 

 

 

There are many instances in which an Aunt/Uncle will adopt a niece/nephew IF the niece/nephews bio parent/parents have died.  When the bio parent/parents are still living the aunt/uncle have no right to adopt their children and call them their own children.  I don't care if the bio parent/parents are hard core drug addicts, prisoners, or whatever else, as long as they are still living, they are the child/childrens bio/natural parent/parents and no aunt or uncle should have the right to erase that fact as if it never existed.

 

 if it is the desire of the birth parents to choose to place their child with a relative then the bio parents have right to make a parenting plan for their child(ren) and even if that plan includes placing their child(ren) for adoption with a relative.

 

Although we do not know the circumstances of this poster (and i will not pry-she is free to share-or not her story) however, for all we know, CPS could have been involved as well and sought a relative palcement. That is always the goal of CPS to maintain kinship connections so if a birth parent is unable/incapable of parenting relatives will be sought out first before biological strangers are permitted to seek adoption.

Adoption provides a sense of stability and secuirty for children as well as ensures their financial security. This does not "erase: the existance of the bio parents. They will forever be the bio parents. No legal document can change that.

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