Scientology Promises Amazing 'Super Powers' We Can Only Begin to Imagine
For the longest time, I've been wondering what, exactly, draws people to Scientology. Granted, I'm not huge on organized religion of any kind, but everything one hears about Scientology -- the creepy interviews featuring questions about blowing up planets, Xenu -- makes voluntarily signing up to be a part of this mysterious Hollywood institution seem kinda nuts. Or it did, anyway -- before I found out that Scientology can give you super powers! No joke: The church just opened the doors on its "most important project ever" -- the Flag Building in Clearwater, Florida, a $145 million dollar compound where Scientology's long-awaited "Super Power" program will be launched, at last. Naturally, Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Kelly Preston were among the thousands of attendees at the opening ceremony -- but do they have their super powers yet? (And what kind of super powers do Scientologists get, exactly?!)
Well, this may -- or may not -- clear a few things up for you. According to the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard, people have way more than 5 senses. They think we have 57 (!!) extra senses called perceptics, which "include an ability to sense blood circulation, balance, compass direction, temperature, gravity as well as an 'awareness of importance, unimportance.'" The Super Power course, developed by L. Ron Hubbard, supposedly "boosts" these perceptics "through a series of mental and physical tasks."
Um, okay. I'm a little afraid about what those "tasks" might involve, given the recent rumors spread by Cruise's ex about (allegedly) digging ditches as punishment for blabbing relationship secrets, but I'm more curious about what kind of "super powers" students end up with at the end of this crazy class. Sadly, we may never know -- but we can guess! Here are a few superhuman abilities that could really come in handy (for Tom Cruise and John Travolta, at least). What if they could ...
1. Leap tall couches in a single bound
2. Do Jedi Mind Tricks ("These are not the male masseuses you are looking for ... ")
3. Turn back time like Superman ("Being an actor is as tough as being a soldier?! Good thing I never said anything that stupid!")
4. Blind paparazzi with their dazzling white smiles
5. Silence litigious ex-wives by magically stealing their voices
What Scientology super power would you want?