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Encouraging your son to get a "yes" text before sex.

Posted by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 6:04 PM
  • 102 Replies
2 moms liked this

Editor's note: Roxanne Jones is a founding editor of ESPN The Magazine and a former vice president at ESPN. She is a national lecturer on sports, entertainment and women's topics and a recipient of the 2010 Woman of the Year award from Women in Sports and Events. She is the co-author of "Say It Loud: An Illustrated History of the Black Athlete," (Random House) and CEO of Push Media Strategies.

(CNN) -- "Watch out for the stupid girls," I tell my son. "They are trouble."

You know the type -- the party girls, the girls who thrive on attention. The girls who will do anything to get a guy to notice them, as the pop star Pink riffs on one of her best-ever songs, "Stupid Girls": "If I act like that, flipping my blond hair back, push up my bra like that ... that guy will call me back."

Roxanne Jones
Roxanne Jones

The problem is that all the kids in college are smart or they wouldn't be there in the first place, as my dean's list son likes to remind me. Admittedly, it's a tricky conversation to navigate, but I'm not giving up. There's too much at stake.

It seems nearly every week, we hear news stories about sexual encounters at parties where everyone is drinking -- and a young woman says she was raped, and a young man insists the encounter was consensual.

Make no mistake, no woman -- no matter how much she parties -- is asking to be raped. But too often when heavy drinking is involved, the meaning of consent can be misconstrued on both sides. According to the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, each year about 97,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 are victims of alcohol-related sexual assault or date rape. And those are only the cases that are actually reported.

So understandably, parents worry about how best to prepare their daughters and sons for college. We spend a lot of energy learning to navigate the academic and financial requirements. We give years of thought to which colleges are a best fit for our kids. Once they are accepted, we make sure our children are sent off to college with every overpriced, not-so-necessary item listed on the "what-to-pack-for-college" list. And just before we drop them off on campus, we make sure we have "The Talk" about focusing on grades and not getting caught up in the party scene.

Never have sex with a girl unless she's sent you a text that proves the sexual relationship is consensual
Roxanne Jones

In my case, I filled my son's duffel bag with about 300 condoms and told him watch out for party girls but have fun; meet new people but stay focused on academics.

But I know from my own fun-filled years at Penn State that campus life can be confusing even for the best of kids. So I taught him how to do his own laundry, grocery shop and cook -- just so he wouldn't have to depend on anyone else to do those things. But lately, I've been worried that I left out one important piece of advice that is a must-do today:

Never have sex with a girl unless she's sent you a text that proves the sexual relationship is consensual beforehand. And it's a good idea to even follow up any sexual encounter with a tasteful text message saying how you both enjoyed being with one another -- even if you never plan on hooking up again.

Crazy, I know, but I've actually been encouraging my son and his friends to use sexting -- minus the lewd photos -- to protect themselves from being wrongly accused of rape. Because just as damning text messages and Facebook posts helped convict the high-schoolers in Steubenville of rape, technology can also be used to prove innocence.

How to protect yourself from false rape allegations is a constant conversation among professional athletes. I've covered many rape cases over my career, including those of Kobe Bryant, the Duke lacrosse team, and many others that never made the headlines. Sports agents and athletes have tried everything from openly or secretly recording their sexual encounters, which is illegal in some states, to asking all women they have sex with to sign a pre-consent form. And though the public may scoff at stories of athletes who frequent strip clubs or solicit prostitutes, many athletes say they do this to avoid unwarranted sex assault charges.

NIAA research shows that more than 80% of college students drink alcohol, and almost half report binge drinking -- five drinks for men, four for women, over two hours -- in the past two weeks. And binge drinking can cause many of us, no matter what age, to make bad decisions.

Let's face it, the sexual revolution is real -- but because we still fail to discuss sex and evolving sexual mores frankly with our sons and daughters, all this freedom has led to confusion about the ever-changing rules of engagement when it comes to sex. But one thing is a constant: When a girl tells a boy no, he must always believe her and stop.

Parents need to step up. I'm doing my part, raising a son to respect women and himself by talking to him about how to navigate the freedom that comes with college life.

But we need to do more work to teach our daughters that women also have an equal personal responsibility to respect their bodies. And true equality means that we are also held accountable for our actions. Partying and drinking until you are no longer in control of your body or mind instantly sets you up to become a victim of rape or bodily harm -- or even to die.

Nobody wants to be a stupid girl. It's time for us girls to smarten up. And it's time for guys to understand -- when a girl is way drunk, it doesn't make it open season on her. In fact, it's just the opposite: If she's falling down drunk, stay away, far away.

by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 6:04 PM
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Replies (1-10):
LoveMyBoyK
by Ruby Member on Nov. 29, 2013 at 6:27 PM
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I think it isagreat idea.  That way he has proof she said yes. Although, there is the problem that he could rape her, take her phone, and text it himself.  But it is the germ of an idea that needs to be explored. 


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"Rule of thumb is if it lets you carry it in a purse, it's not a dog; it's a proximity alarm that refuses to be housebroken." -- Cracked.com

allons.y
by Member on Nov. 29, 2013 at 6:32 PM
2 moms liked this

I actually had a guy do this recently! We were at the end of a date, and we started getting hot and heavy, and he says, "I need to do something weird. I want to take a picture with you... holding these." He then held up two index cards. One said, "Do you consent to sex with me?" And the other said, "I consent." He asked me to write the date on my card and sign it. I did. Yeah, it was a little weird, but I understood his need to feel protected. He saved that picture on his phone AND e-mailed it to himself. 

ETA: A couple of ladies have asked if I was worried he would put the picture on the Internet, show it all to his friends as a notch in his belt, etc. I wasn't worried about that. In this particular situation, I knew the guy pretty well and we had a lot of mutual friends. I knew that he was legitimately trying to keep himself protected - and if he did anything unseemly with the photo, he would have had ALL our mutual friends (many of whom are involved with law enforcement) to deal with.

In a situation where I didn't know the guy well (ex: casual sex on the first date or something), I would have suggested another means of proof of consent. 

parentalrights1
by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 6:38 PM
3 moms liked this
Lol I would not get with a guy oh asked me to do that. I would feel like he expects women to cry rape

If men choose to look for sex in sober partners Instead of trying to find women who are inebriated to better their chances then tey might be a little safer.
parentalrights1
by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 6:39 PM
You aren't worried about that picture being out there though? I personally might have suggested another means of proof I I even got with him after that


Quoting allons.y:

I actually had a guy do this recently! We were at the end of a date, and we started getting hot and heavy, and he says, "I need to do something weird. I want to take a picture with you... holding these." He then held up two index cards. One said, "Do you consent to sex with me?" And the other said, "I consent." He asked me to write the date on my card and sign it. I did. Yeah, it was a little weird, but I understood his need to feel protected. He saved that picture on his phone AND e-mailed it to himself. 


tanyainmizzou
by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 6:39 PM
3 moms liked this

That doesn't stop a sober woman from crying rape because she is scorned.

Quoting parentalrights1:

Lol I would not get with a guy oh asked me to do that. I would feel like he expects women to cry rape

If men choose to look for sex in sober partners Instead of trying to find women who are inebriated to better their chances then tey might be a little safer.


parentalrights1
by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 6:40 PM
She could but I would think that's way less likely than with drinking involved.




Quoting tanyainmizzou:

That doesn't stop a sober woman from crying rape because she is scorned.

Quoting parentalrights1:

Lol I would not get with a guy oh asked me to do that. I would feel like he expects women to cry rape



If men choose to look for sex in sober partners Instead of trying to find women who are inebriated to better their chances then tey might be a little safer.



tanyainmizzou
by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 6:41 PM

It simply covers his ass if she gets mad it is a one night stand.

If you don't want to have sex with him if he asks, then don't.

But I see nothing wrong with it, especially if it is the first time between you.

Quoting parentalrights1:

She could but I would think that's way less likely than with drinking involved.




Quoting tanyainmizzou:

That doesn't stop a sober woman from crying rape because she is scorned.

Quoting parentalrights1:

Lol I would not get with a guy oh asked me to do that. I would feel like he expects women to cry rape



If men choose to look for sex in sober partners Instead of trying to find women who are inebriated to better their chances then tey might be a little safer.




MissTacoBell
by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 6:42 PM
2 moms liked this
I disagree with this.

1. Any lawyer that passed the bar can argue it away. If you are a guy going to hook up with a girl, you're most concerned about the question of consent if she is intoxicated. So if you request she send the text and she does, it can be argued away as either being made under duress, or argued away as you knowing she was not in a clear enough state to give consent voiding any consent given. Or you know, just plain argue that you sent it not her especially since you had very intimate access to her you also could send a text. Sex has no provable time stamp.

2. And the potential for rapists who actually are raping people to just send a consent text on behalf of the victim while passed out and getting away 100% is just too high. After all, you might have scruples to not do that if you forget, but a rapist probably doesn't.
rfurlongg
by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 6:43 PM


Quoting LoveMyBoyK:

I think it isagreat idea.  That way he has proof she said yes. Although, there is the problem that he could rape her, take her phone, and text it himself.  But it is the germ of an idea that needs to be explored. 


Yikes... That never even crossed my mind. Very possible though...

Skittles1988
by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 6:44 PM

While I feel it could be a good idea, I also feel that it could be turned into a weapon for those with bad intentions. Getting a girl to text "yes" can be good...but what happens when the girl changes her mind? And the boy, gets upset and continues or vice-versa? The following up after, could be as if it were a good intention, but could also be a form of harrassment had the action been forced after a verbal consent.

If the kid is a responsible adult, I think it's a great idea, however I can see a lot of problems that would arise from this 'solution'. 

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