By Christine Whelan
January 9, 2014
Early last year I ended a monogamous relationship with someone I had
been with for more than a decade. In the aftermath of the breakup I
decided that what I most wanted at this stage in my life was sex, and
lots of it. I dubbed 2013 my "year of fucking recreationally" and set
out to find some hot, sweaty, messy, dirty, uncomplicated fun with
like-minded friends. And find it I did! Here are some things that I
learned about what it's really like to seek casual sex as a forty year
old fat chick.
Now, I should note that when I tell you I'm fat, I
really mean it. I'm not just slightly chubby and complaining about
those last 15 pounds. I'm rather short and weigh almost precisely 300
lbs. I wear size 28 clothing. Unless you think such things are
mutually exclusive, I would describe myself as reasonably pretty, in a
natural, low-maintenance, naughty librarian kind of way. I am fiercely
intelligent, deeply hilarious, casually stylish, utterly unselfconscious
and really, genuinely nice. I am also an absolute riot in the sack.
And I've been getting laid like crazy.
certainly not everyone's cup of tea, and I'm not at all offended by that
fact. I respect that attraction is a personal thing and that lots of
guys just aren't into what I have to offer. That's ok with me, as long
as they're not dicks about it. I have my own tastes and preferences as
well, so I'm certainly not going to begrudge anyone else theirs.
you have a mullet or a moustache or you don't know how to use there,
their and they're correctly, I'm probably not going to be attracted to
you. And I'm allowed to feel that way, just as you are allowed to feel
any way you wish about me. But don't do as one man did and send me a
message out of the blue on Plenty of Fish to tell me that my mere
presence there is disgusting and that I shouldn't subject "normal"
people to the affront of having to see my picture on that site. You go
have your fun and let me have mine.
course of this year, I have had a lot of sex with a lot of different
partners. And I'm not the least bit apologetic about that fact.
Everyone involved has been a consenting adult, communication about
expectations and boundaries was clear, and safeguarding my sexual health
is always at the forefront of my mind. So why not? Some have
developed into lovely ongoing sexual friendships, and some were
deliciously filthy little adventures where we never laid eyes on one
another again after we parted ways. All were honest expressions of my
I've discovered that there
are a few different categories that the men who are interested in me
tend to fall into, based both on those who I have hooked up with and the
many others I have chatted with on the couple of different dating websites
I belong to.
type that I have learned to pretty quickly recognize is the bucket-list
guy. He has never been with a big woman, but wants to give it a go
just to see what it's like and get a checkmark on his sexual bucket
list. Innocent enough, I suppose, but not sufficiently fulfilling from
my perspective for me to be bothered. These guys are often in their
twenties and really like the fact that I am an older woman. Perhaps
that would allow them to check off two boxes at once.
more toxic are the "attracted but ashamed" guys who chat me up on
occasion. They are secretly really turned on by fat women, but are so
uncomfortable with that fact that they would never dream of being seen
in public with one. They are the living embodiment of the old joke,
"What do a fat chick and a moped have in common? They're both fun to
ride but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on one."
the other end of the spectrum are the men who fetishize large bodies to
an extent that is creepy and objectifying. To them, I am not a person
as much as an assembly of measurements and body parts. I don't
encounter too many of those guys, but when I do I always feel like I
need to take a shower after talking to them.
is not to say that I think there is anything creepy about being
attracted to my body type. Far from it. Probably my favourite guys are
those who find me really, really physically attractive and have no
problem owning that desire. Guys who love my softness. Guys who
massage my belly, who grab handfuls of my ass, who bury themselves
between my breasts. Guys who can't get enough of every last inch of me.
To them, I am a revelation - an ample woman with no body shame who
says sure, let's have sex with the lights on.
such friend tells me that he long ago stopped approaching women he was
attracted to in bars. He is a quite a conventionally attractive man,
with an extremely muscular build, and his preference is for women of my
size or even larger. The most common reaction he would receive was one
of anger from women who were so conditioned to believe in their own
unattractiveness that they automatically assumed he was making fun of
When I began this journey of discovery
earlier this year I might have been one of them. It had been many years
since I had dated, and although I have been fat my whole adult life, my
body now is larger than the one I had when I was last single. I had no
idea what to expect on the dating scene.
One of the first men I met after the separation was someone I initially assumed was completely out of my league
He is the absolute whole package -- smart, successful, a hell of a
nice guy, not to mention extremely handsome with the gym-perfected body
of a Greek god. The kind of guy who can pretty much have his pick of
women. To my surprise, he was incredibly into me, and continues to be
to this day.
We were lying in bed one night
after some of the best sex of either of our lives and I asked him what
it was that had attracted him to me in the first place. I knew I wasn't
the type he always went for, so I was curious. He just looked at me
and shrugged and smiled and said "confidence is sexy." Those words were
a touchstone for me.
That friend belongs to the
last group of guys, and I would say it is the largest one I encounter.
Guys who are openminded to all kinds of sexiness. They don't have a
physical "type" and have enjoyed women of a variety of shapes and sizes.
To them, my sex appeal has more to do with my spirit of adventure and
capacity for joyous abandon than the composition of my body.
realize that my lifestyle is not for everyone, and I would never try to
assert that it should be. I'm sure it won't even be the life for me
forever. But at this moment, I am having a great time having exactly
the kind of sex I want. And I'm doing it with the body I have right
now. Because whatever I look like, I have a right to pursue pleasure
without shame. And no matter what anyone else has been telling you, so