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What is the most important thing for your children to consider before marriage?

Posted by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 11:37 AM
  • 85 Replies
4 moms liked this

DH and I have two pieces of advice we hope our boys will take (in many years, since the oldest is only 12).

1. Marry your best friend.

2. Never, ever marry someone you haven't shared a bathroom with. Yes, this means live together before marrying. You don't truly know someone until you've lived in the same space with them. 

So, what are your 'learned from experience' bits of wisdom?

by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 11:37 AM
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Replies (1-10):
punky3175
by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 11:43 AM
1 mom liked this
I agree with marrying your best friend. I didn't do that the first time but I am this time around. I also lived with my ex first (for a year) and still didn't know him so I won't be giving that piece of advice.
GLWerth
by Gina on Jan. 13, 2014 at 11:46 AM
1 mom liked this

Hopefully, number 1 will make knowing your mate much easier.

Glad you are doing that this time around! My DH and I are coming up on 25 years (with 3 years of cohabitation before that) and people regularly ask us if we're newly married, because we're so happy when we're with each other.

Quoting punky3175: I agree with marrying your best friend. I didn't do that the first time but I am this time around. I also lived with my ex first (for a year) and still didn't know him so I won't be giving that piece of advice.


AlekD
by Gold Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 11:52 AM
3 moms liked this
1. How will this person be as the parent of your children?
2. How will this person support and encourage your walk with God?
3. How will this person challenge you to grow in holiness?
4. Marriage is for life. How will you deal with relationship problems?
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GLWerth
by Gina on Jan. 13, 2014 at 11:56 AM
7 moms liked this

Tongue in cheek, but this too!


StarburstKisses
by Bronze Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 12:18 PM
1 mom liked this

1) KNOW THEIR FAMILY! If their family is WACKED OUT, FAR OUT THERE, are VERY poor examples of how to be a family. How a mother should act. How a father should act. The sister, etc. The whole bunch.... You need to watch him, and spend time with him. Find out EVERYTHING. Find out where he stands on everything. If you're looking at marriage or considering it, YOU NEED TO ASK HIM how he feels on children (if you want them). You need to ask them how they feel on discpline. ALL OF IT. You need to make sure that he isn't just giving you an answer that is what you want to hear. Worst thing is for you to agree on everything, then get married, have kids and OP! His roots are showing, and now all hell is breaking loose because mom is saying, "Like hell" and the dad is saying, "This is what a normal family does". NOT KIDDING - LOOK AT THE FAMILY!!!!

2) See how he treats his mom and what kind of relationship there is! You don't want a man who will go running to his mom when you two have issues, or when he will listen to her over you, etc. etc. etc. You also don't want one that treats her like scum, speaks to her like she's trash, etc. He may not do it now, but he's a time bomb. One you don't want to wait for!

3) See how his dad treats his mom and vice versa. Not kidding you! It has been proven that little girls look for parts in her partner that she learned from mom and dad treating each other. Also from how dad treated her. Even if it was horrible, there is still this part that is in the brain. Same can be said for boys. So again, LOOK AT HOW THAT MOM AND DAD TREAT EACH OTHER

4) How they treat you! If it's bad, WHY do you think it will get better after marriage? It won't! 

5) CULTURE! I'm sooooooo very serious about this. If they're from/in one that they practice and are heavily influenced in that clashes with yours, turn and run the other way - fast. Just my experiences, but if you're going into a family that has a patriarch and the women don't speak unless asked or their opinion is shit, the patriarch/man has the last say, etc. again - RUN RUN THE OTHER WAY! For some women, they may be fine with it. But if you're a woman like me where the women are equal to any man, strong willed and minded, and independent. Hell  no, run the other way. 

6) See how he/she uses money. How they are financially. Everyone's got habbits. If they can't save, are loads in debt, and their solution is to just get another loan. Nope. They need to fix that stuff before you marry. Not kidding you. IF they're older, 30+ and still doing this - NOPE. Even more so! Yes, shit hits the fan. People loose their jobs, fall on hard times. BUT if they have a great paying job, or just a job - can pay their things and don't and run out of money and cry fowl - look at this seriously!

7) Make sure that they can own up to things. That they won't hide from problems, or push them off on you or someone else! At some point, for people who are like this, someone failed to teach them accountability and all that entails! What really sucks is being with someone when things get tough and the start throwing childish/teenager antics your way! Or after a bit since it's going nowhere they tell you, "Yep you're right", "You're right" just to get out of the conversation. Or - again with roots - they can't handle it so they get physical with you or the space around you. 

8) See how he lives! If it's piggish, it's not going to change when you move intogether. He's going to expect you to do it. A lot of people do a honeymoon phase, and no not the kind where you just got married. I'm referring to they try to be someone or soemthing they're not for someone. Usually only lasts a few weeks, but most is I believe 2 months. They'll start slipping and then it'll land slide into you. Some men these days  seriously still have the 50's outlook of a woman. If you can't or won't comply, they'll cheat and they'll be fine with it becuase, "The woman couldn't please the man". Nooopppe. 

9) Women are just as bad as men, and in some way much much worse. Some look like the best women ever, they've got everything going for them. Shit hits the fan - whooooooohoooooooooooooo watch out! Restraining order and run the other way!

10) If he's a douche, he's not going to change if you marry him! Just like some men turn into one, practically a different man then the one you were dating once you marry! Those types all believe they don't have to try anymore, and have the attitude where the woman does it all AND it doesn't matter how she's treated! This WILL NOT change over time!

11) If he's got habbits, or she, that you HATE. Like smoking if that's one - Don't think you can change them! They'll be livid that you once thought you could, and you'll get madder and madder over time because he/she hasn't stopped. 

12) COMMUNICATE! If You CANNOT Communicate efficently, do not marry! It is one HUGE THING to keeping marriages together!

13) There are so many things I could go on and on and on and on.

---- All of these answers are based off of what I have seen, gone through, or heard happening to people around me. Family and friends. 

Jessy76
by Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 12:32 PM

Marry your best friend is my #1. I also advise living together 1st because as you said you don't fully know the person you are with until you are sharing the same space. The other thing I tell them all the time is talk. You have to be able to communicate with each other or it will never work. You have to be able to disagree without it ruining your relationship. You don't always have to share an opinion or agree on everything but you do need to be able to respect each other opinions and be able agree to disagree sometimes.

lga1965
by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 12:33 PM
I agree with marrying your best friend. And getting to know their family. And friends. Make sure they're mature and have a sense of independence and ambition, hopes for a successful future. And you need to feel the same about having children or not having children.
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TranquilMind
by Platinum Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 12:43 PM

 Marry only someone who shares you faith and values.

Pay attention to the evidence early on.  A leopard does not change his spots and those spots are visible right away if you know how to evaluate behaviors you see. 

Marry someone who is so comfortable to be with that being with him is like being alone (introverts will understand that). 

Same views on children and child-rearing and SAME VIEWS ABOUT MONEY!

If you are fighting while dating, you will be miserable when married.  Marry someone who is your best friend with whom you get along beautifully and have almost no conflict (nothing more serious than "Will you put the lid down!!?" or "Stop forgetting to put the toothpaste cap back on!" or "Hurry up!").  That's my best advice right there and I've been happily married for a quarter of a century now. 

TranquilMind
by Platinum Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 12:47 PM

 Great advice right here.  I thought my post was long!  Ha ha.  I bolded what I consider the best stuff!

Quoting StarburstKisses:

1) KNOW THEIR FAMILY! If their family is WACKED OUT, FAR OUT THERE, are VERY poor examples of how to be a family. How a mother should act. How a father should act. The sister, etc. The whole bunch.... You need to watch him, and spend time with him. Find out EVERYTHING. Find out where he stands on everything. If you're looking at marriage or considering it, YOU NEED TO ASK HIM how he feels on children (if you want them). You need to ask them how they feel on discpline. ALL OF IT. You need to make sure that he isn't just giving you an answer that is what you want to hear. Worst thing is for you to agree on everything, then get married, have kids and OP! His roots are showing, and now all hell is breaking loose because mom is saying, "Like hell" and the dad is saying, "This is what a normal family does". NOT KIDDING - LOOK AT THE FAMILY!!!!

2) See how he treats his mom and what kind of relationship there is! You don't want a man who will go running to his mom when you two have issues, or when he will listen to her over you, etc. etc. etc. You also don't want one that treats her like scum, speaks to her like she's trash, etc. He may not do it now, but he's a time bomb. One you don't want to wait for!

3) See how his dad treats his mom and vice versa. Not kidding you! It has been proven that little girls look for parts in her partner that she learned from mom and dad treating each other. Also from how dad treated her. Even if it was horrible, there is still this part that is in the brain. Same can be said for boys. So again, LOOK AT HOW THAT MOM AND DAD TREAT EACH OTHER

4) How they treat you! If it's bad, WHY do you think it will get better after marriage? It won't! 

5) CULTURE! I'm sooooooo very serious about this. If they're from/in one that they practice and are heavily influenced in that clashes with yours, turn and run the other way - fast. Just my experiences, but if you're going into a family that has a patriarch and the women don't speak unless asked or their opinion is shit, the patriarch/man has the last say, etc. again - RUN RUN THE OTHER WAY! For some women, they may be fine with it. But if you're a woman like me where the women are equal to any man, strong willed and minded, and independent. Hell  no, run the other way. 

6) See how he/she uses money. How they are financially. Everyone's got habbits. If they can't save, are loads in debt, and their solution is to just get another loan. Nope. They need to fix that stuff before you marry. Not kidding you. IF they're older, 30+ and still doing this - NOPE. Even more so! Yes, shit hits the fan. People loose their jobs, fall on hard times. BUT if they have a great paying job, or just a job - can pay their things and don't and run out of money and cry fowl - look at this seriously!

7) Make sure that they can own up to things. That they won't hide from problems, or push them off on you or someone else! At some point, for people who are like this, someone failed to teach them accountability and all that entails! What really sucks is being with someone when things get tough and the start throwing childish/teenager antics your way! Or after a bit since it's going nowhere they tell you, "Yep you're right", "You're right" just to get out of the conversation. Or - again with roots - they can't handle it so they get physical with you or the space around you. 

8) See how he lives! If it's piggish, it's not going to change when you move intogether. He's going to expect you to do it. A lot of people do a honeymoon phase, and no not the kind where you just got married. I'm referring to they try to be someone or soemthing they're not for someone. Usually only lasts a few weeks, but most is I believe 2 months. They'll start slipping and then it'll land slide into you. Some men these days  seriously still have the 50's outlook of a woman. If you can't or won't comply, they'll cheat and they'll be fine with it becuase, "The woman couldn't please the man". Nooopppe. 

9) Women are just as bad as men, and in some way much much worse. Some look like the best women ever, they've got everything going for them. Shit hits the fan - whooooooohoooooooooooooo watch out! Restraining order and run the other way!

10) If he's a douche, he's not going to change if you marry him! Just like some men turn into one, practically a different man then the one you were dating once you marry! Those types all believe they don't have to try anymore, and have the attitude where the woman does it all AND it doesn't matter how she's treated! This WILL NOT change over time!

11) If he's got habbits, or she, that you HATE. Like smoking if that's one - Don't think you can change them! They'll be livid that you once thought you could, and you'll get madder and madder over time because he/she hasn't stopped. 

12) COMMUNICATE! If You CANNOT Communicate efficently, do not marry! It is one HUGE THING to keeping marriages together!

13) There are so many things I could go on and on and on and on.

---- All of these answers are based off of what I have seen, gone through, or heard happening to people around me. Family and friends. 

 

MeAndTommyLee
by Platinum Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 12:57 PM

I would like to see a commonality met between them regarding ethnicity, religion to begin with. After that, love, mutual respect, honor, loyalty and compassion.  Who will support these children -- do both of you want to be parents?  Are both of you working outside the home?  These few things are just that, a few.  Much more needs to be discussed and re discussed before a marriage happens.

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